Welcome to GUY CODE, the official blog of MTV2's "Guy Code" series and your online destination for all things dude, including—but not limited to—irreverent commentary on sports, hip-hop and ladies. Stay awhile and flex your manhood.
You're young, you're dumb and you're too broke to have any fun. Never fear, there are positives to not having any cash, even if your zero-balance bank account seems like it's the worst thing that's ever happened to anyone. (After reading this list, maybe you won't hate Mom and Dad for cutting you off after graduation.)
1. You get to feel superior to your friends with rich parents.
2. You understand and respect the true value of a value meal.
3. You can guilt your employed friends into buying you beers, lots and lots of beers.
'Tis the season for holiday parties, but there's a difference between having seasonal fun and being a complete a-hole. The problem is the line's so thin, you don't know you've crossed it until you're face-down in a puddle of vomit and eggnog. So next time, call it a night before...
1. You've been to 15 office holiday parties…and you're unemployed.
2. You've spent roughly $300 on mistletoe.
3. The drunk Santa outside the 24/7 convenience store tells you to slow it down.
4. You've called a dry cleaners to see if they can get puke out of your reindeer sweater. Read More...
Retirement is tough for athletes. Sadly, most of them don't find the same level of success off the playing field as they did on it. Like these six guys who, if it weren't for their trophy cases, might have forgotten they were professional bone crushers in the first place.
1. Emmit Smith
He was the Dallas Cowboys' all-time leading rusher, but most people nowadays know him as all-time leading twirler on "Dancing With the Stars." He won season four in 2006.
2. Michael Strahan
Went from tackling running backs for the New York Giants to tackling celebrity fashion on his daytime talk show "Live With Kelly & Michael." Your grandmother loves him, probably.
3. Tiki Barber
Had a promising career in broadcasting after he retired from the New York Giants in 2006. That is, until he cheated on his very pregnant wife with a 23-year-old intern. Ouch. Bad play, Tiki.
It's the holiday season, but you're a baller on a budget and money is tight. It's hard to finish your gift list with only $100 in your bank account. So focus on greasing the most important people in your life, in order, so you can have a happy 2014.
It's a tough call between your girlfriend and your mom for #1, but let's be honest: Who can really punish you more?
Plus, your sweetheart probably got you something super cool and thoughtful, because she listens and pays attention to what you say, and you literally forgot it was Christmas until you heard "Jingle Bells" playing at GameStop. You're spending at least half your gift budget on her, or about $50.
Pro Tip: Spend the year asking her about what kind of jewelry she likes or what perfume she wears. Too late? Well…just don't get her a gift card.
You have to get your mom a gift, because she gave you thegift of life, and you owe her. But you know that whole "unconditional love" thing? Yeah, push that to the limit.
If it's really the thought that counts, try to spend under $5. Remember how much she loved those macaroni art projects you made her when you were in kindergarten? Pick up a box of pasta and some glue at the gas station and get to it, Picasso!
You know Jon Gabrus from "Guy Code" and "Guy Court," and now he's also costarring in the web series "Strong Island" from Comedy Central's CC: Studios, which is about two Long Island scam artists who live in their mom's basement. Or, as Gabrus's character puts it, "Our mom lives in a house above our apartment."
A new five-minute episode has premiered each day this week. Watch one of our favorites below, in which Gabrus 'roids up and goes full Hulk at a pool volleyball tournament, and then go check out the rest. (NSFW language, and a lot of shirtless Jon Gabrus.)
You've graduated...congrats! Now it's time to leave that childish college identity behind and start your new life as a boring adult in the working world. Here's the junk you shouldn't bother moving from your dorm room to your fancy apartment.
1. Your Bong
You're a graduate now. The centerpiece of your living room should be artwork, and we don't mean "glass art."
2. Your Wardrobe
Flip-flops and cargo shorts just won't cut it outside the quad, dude.
3. Your Girlfriend
Turns out a beer pong table wasn't the best place to build a relationship.
Christmas is a time of love, cheer and letting those closest to you know how much you really care. But how do you show your friends your appreciation without coming off like a total weenie? Here's some advice on how to brighten your boys' days without awkwardly giving them a gift-wrapped box.
1. No Pranks For A Week
Normally time with your buddy is spent messing with his mind. What better way to treat him than a week of prank-free hanging? Leave the nut-punches, upper-deckers and spitting in his drinks 'til after New Year's. He's earned it. Then do it twice as often, because he'll assume you're done with pranks and that'll really mess with his mind.
2. Be The Wingman
Holidays mean holiday parties, and that means your boy is gonna need a wingman. Be there for him, so he won't drink way too much spiked cider and say all the wrong things to all the right ladies. Call it "Mission: Mistletoe."
When Melanie Iglesias is done punishing the guilty on "Guy Court," she comes back home to this innocent li'l guy featured in the behind-the-scenes video from her latest photo shoot, "Life-Size Melanie Iglesias: Bedtime with Teddy." Didn't think you could feel jealous of a plush bear? Think again. Also, think about how awesome it'd be if Melanie starred in the sequel to "Ted." Or give your brain a rest from thinking and click play:
A man shouldn't complain about winter temperatures, unless he's contracted hypothermia while fighting wolves. But we'll make an exception for today because it is cold as balls outside. Winter doesn't even officially begin for another week; it's gonna be a long few months until spring arrives. We've gotcha covered, though, with these manly ways to stay toasty, 'cause we're about ready to bungee jump into an active volcano.