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Today's Dumbass: Man Pocket-Dials 911 While Plotting Murder

Posted 9 hours ago by in Today's Dumbass

mugshot
Credit: Broward Sheriff’s Office

When discussing illegal plans, it's best to follow some basic protocol: Assure no law enforcement officers are nearby, check that the room isn't bugged and see if anyone is wearing a wire. Also, make sure you haven't just butt-dialed 911, thus allowing the police to listen in on your entire conversation.

That's allegedly what happened to Florida man (surprise, surprise!) Scott Simon, who has been charged with first-degree murder after cops said they overheard him plotting to kill someone who later turned up dead.

Look, it's tough out there for would-be murderers -- fingerprint identification, DNA testing, society's general disdain for murder -- and communications technology isn't making things any easier. Police can track your location via your cell. And though our phones are now "smart," they aren't smart enough to let us know when they're landing us in jail.

Your best bet: Just leave the phone at home. Or, better yet, don't murder anyone.

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Mike Pomranz (@pomranz) is a comedian who has never been arrested for murder.

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How To Date A Girl If You're A Broke-Ass

Posted 10 hours ago by in Ladies, Relationships

Crisis Open Christmas Shelter
Credit: Bruno Vincent/Getty Images

The foundation of kickin' a good game is playing up your strengths despite the odds. In the all-time Game Hall of Fame you'll see a lot of guys making the most with very little. In these tough times, your pockets might not be overflowing with cash...but you can still show that chick you met at last week's party a great time. Here are some tips on how to be a penniless pimp.

1. Ice cream dates

Is that Italian joint with $30 lasagna out of the question? No problem. Ice cream solves many problems, large and small. It's inexpensive, there's a ton of variety and it's f***in' delicious. Bonus points for ordering one large bowl with two spoons to increase the level of intimacy. And if you happen to meet a girl who doesn't like ice cream, run the other way, friend. A girl who hates ice cream is not the type of girl you'll enjoy being around.

2. Netflix

Instead of dropping an entire paycheck on movie tickets and popcorn (if you had a paycheck, we mean), stay at home and utilize that Netflix streaming account. Tear through an entire season of "Breaking Bad" or check out any number of modern classics. Quick tip: Be sure to clean your place before she comes over. A sloppy room means you were too lazy to clean and she might think you are also too lazy to get a job.

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'90s Fashions That Guys Should Never Embrace Again

Posted 11 hours ago by in Funny, Photos

Photo of VANILLA ICE
Credit: Redferns

Everyone is sick and tired of economic hard times, so it makes sense that we're collectively looking back to the 1990s, a decade when "Why Don't You Get A Job?" was a hit song instead of a question that millions of millennials asked into their mirrors.

The problem with nostalgia, however, is that you romanticize the positives while ignoring the negatives. That's the theme of my new book, "90s Island," about a Kickstarter-funded tropical commune to recreate the past. Back in reality, our good feelings for the '90s shouldn't compel us to wear this ridiculous crap again...even if it is Throwback Thursday.

1. Chain Wallets

chain wallets
Credit: UIG via Getty Images

A man protects his debit card with his fists, not a chain.

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11 Awesome Summer Beers For Memorial Day Weekend

Posted 12 hours ago by in Food

outdoor-drinking
Credit: Ezra Shaw/Getty Images

This weekend is the official start of summer fun. A beer is definitely in order...but make sure you kick off your summer right -- with good warm-weather beer. Spending Memorial Day with a six-pack of Guinness would be like pairing a fine cut of beef with a wineglass full of cat piss.

You want something light, refreshing and drinkable, that can go with grilling burgers and throwing horseshoes. Canned beers are great if you're going to the beach or pool. And we're talking three days of drinking here, so aim for something with low enough alcohol that you'll actually remember how much you enjoyed your holiday weekend.

With those criteria in mind, here are our 11 best bets for kicking off summer 2013...and backup brews, just in case you can't find the main picks.

1. Bell's Oberon

Larry Bell has been brewing Oberon for nearly three decades, yet demand for this easy-drinking summer wheat from Michigan is as strong as ever. Maybe because it's only available six months out of the year and in just 18 states. Bring a few to your Memorial Day barbecue and you're sure to be a hero -- more so the farther you are from Kalamazoo.

Backup Brew: Can't score Bell's? Swim across Lake Michigan and grab some cans of the less subtle, but equally quaffable Stevens Point Nude Beach Summer Wheat.

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25 GIFs That Just Got Dumped

Posted 13 hours ago by in Funny, GIFs

Breakups suck. Even though we tell ourselves that we don't need a girl, they look good, they smell good and they sometimes put up with hours of our video game playing. Unfortunately, loves are sometimes short-lived and a real keeper decides not to stick around. The pain can be downright cruel.

But you're not alone, no matter how lonely you feel, because we've compiled 25 GIFs that just got dumped. The way these ladies and gents handle their breakups just might make you feel better about your past, present or future situation.

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5 'American Gladiators' Events That Delivered Pain [VIDEO]

Posted 14 hours ago by in Sports, TV, Video

American GladiatorsCredit: Tony Duffy/Getty Images

Don't act like you didn't watch this show. You loved it and watched it religiously. Sure, it probably scarred you emotionally to see all those bodybuilders in leotards, but the emotional scarring didn't matter because "American Gladiators" was that awesome.

Think it wasn't dangerous, with all those pads and helmets? Consider the fact that it was originally hosted by Joe Theismann. That's a bad sign. If your host is an expert on career-ending injuries, prepare for some pain. Prepare to see the bone.

Here are the legendary "American Gladiators" events that truly brought the ruckus.

1. The Human Cannonball

It should be called the Human Wrecking Ball, because you swing toward the gladiator and try to demolish his brick-s***house of a body. Unfortunately, the Human Cannonball was banned in Season 5, and for good reason. Just ask Malibu in the video above, who required stitches for an eyebrow gash.

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Hungover Links: 3D Printer Pizza, Bangin' Cleavage & More

Posted 15 hours ago by in News

iron man coffee art
"Unbelievable latte art to wake up to" via The Chive

While you were drinking...

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5 Things Guys Don't Consider To Be Cheating...But Girls Might

Posted 5/22/13 4:00 pm EST by in Ladies, Relationships

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Credit: Getty Images

On last night's "Girl Code" (watch full episode here), the gals explained that almost anything can qualify as cheating -- even guys' thoughts -- which is a pretty confusing concept. How is it cheating if touching isn't even involved?

A good rule of thumb is, if you're too ashamed to tell your girlfriend about it -- and face her wrath -- then you've gone too far. Still, can it really be cheating if you're just...

1. Flirting with strangers

What's the harm of chatting up that cute girl at the grocery store? Sure, she laughs at your jokes and compliments your sexy eyes, but that doesn't mean you've done anything wrong...yet. Be safe and self-check out of this store ASAP.

2. Sexual tension with a coworker

Whether you're her boss or she's yours, nothing good can come out of lacing your office conversations with double entendres. The longer you keep this tension going, the likelier you are to do the wrong kind of "networking" at an after-work happy hour.

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The 5 Unluckiest Guys Who've Ever Won The Lottery

Posted 5/22/13 3:00 pm EST by in Funny

Lottery
Credit: Scott Olson / Getty Images

If you were one of the millions of losers with a worthless Powerball ticket last weekend, count your blessings. From family betrayal to untimely death, these poor folks (well, rich folks) embody Biggie Smalls' lyric, "Mo Money Mo Problems."

1. Jeffrey Dampier

Dampier seemed to be doing the smart thing by using his $20 million payday to invest in a gourmet popcorn business. Unfortunately, an affair with his wife's sister went south and she killed him. Even if you can afford Armani suits, keeping it in your pants is the best way to avoid getting screwed.

2. Willie Hurt

Willie thought he'd never "hurt" again after winning $3.1 million in 1989, but he quickly lost it all to a cocaine addiction, a divorce and an attempted murder trial.

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Damien Lemon Interviews Hannibal Buress About Comedy Vs. Rap

Posted 5/22/13 1:50 pm EST by in Comedy, Hip-hop, Video

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The second episode of Damien Lemon's web series "D.Lemon in the Morning" is here, and this time he's riffing with Hannibal Buress from "Hip-Hop Squares." Emphasis on "hip-hop," because Hannibal is done with stand-up comedy, a lower art form that limited his brilliance. "I had to put my genius to beats," Hannibal says. "Now it's just me dumbing it down because my genius is just way ahead." Yeah, we're not sure what he's talking about, either, but we know this video is pretty damn funny. Watch it below:

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