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Olivia-Sprauer-small The 5 Hottest Teachers Fired For Being Too Sexy carly-chris-small Chris Distefano & Carly Aquilino Explain How They Started Dating, Kinda masturbation The 10 Best Slang Terms For Female 'Alone Time'

5 Cities That Should Quit At Sports

Posted 5/8/13 2:00 pm EST by in Funny, Sports

Cleveland Browns v Pittsburgh Steelers
Credit: Joe Robbins/Getty Images

Being a sports fan is hard work. Unless you're in one of the five cities where all the champions come from (we're looking at you, coasts), you're stuck rooting for a lost cause just because that's where your parents decided to bone. Some cities are such sports failures, they should just quit and let their citizens become Yankees fans so they can be happy for once. Here are five cities that need to do everybody a favor and call it quits.

1. Cleveland

The last team in Cleveland to win a title was the Browns and there wasn't even a Super Bowl yet. (That was back when pregnant woman smoked cigarettes.) Their baseball team's mascot is pretty racist, their football team is so boring its logo is just a lame helmet, and the greatest basketball player of our generation wanted out of there so badly he didn't care if kids burned his jersey in the street.

On the bright side, "Major League" still totally holds up.

2. San Diego

Sure, the Chargers' powder blue uniforms are badass. That's about where it ends as far as cool things about San Diego sports. Total major professional teams in the city's history: Three. Total number of titles: Zero.

You've got the Pacific Ocean, bitchin' beaches, surfing and one of the best climates in the world. Just do everybody a favor and ship your teams to Iowa. They really need something to do out there.

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7 Tips For Living (Happily) With A Girlfriend

Posted 5/8/13 1:00 pm EST by in Ladies, Relationships

Living Together
Credit: anzeletti/Getty Images

So you've decided to make the leap from living in a place that smells like Doritos and sweat to a place with curtains and a working doorbell. No, you're not moving back in with your parents; you and your girlfriend are moving in together! Congratulations!

This can be a lot of fun and a great step in your relationship...but it can also be a nightmare if you don't know what you're getting into. And you need to consider that your life is going to change a little. Here are some tips for successfully adjusting.

1. Be Absolutely Certain

Cohabitation is a big move and there's really no going back. (Just try saying, "I'd like to keep dating you, but I'd rather live with my old roommate again...is that cool?") Make sure you aren't moving in with your girlfriend for the cheaper rent or just because she's pressuring you. Even if you're always at her place or she's always at yours, that doesn't necessarily mean you're emotionally ready to combine sock drawers.

2. Do Your Part With The Chores

Some guys expect their live-in girlfriends to cook, clean and do the grocery shopping while they just kill spiders and maybe take out trash once per week. Sorry, dude, that fantasy only exists on "Mad Men." There are no gender specific chores anymore. Here's your apron...what's for dinner?

3. Keep In Touch With Your Boys

Make sure not to fall into a domestic black hole with your lady and then forget about your friends. Do a night out with the guys--it's a good way for you and her to have some healthy time apart. Just remember that when you come home, you're crawling into bed with a sleeping, sober person who doesn't care for your booze-breath and snoring.

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Today's Dumbass: Masturbating Man On Boat Claims He Was Just Exercising

Posted 5/8/13 12:00 pm EST by in Today's Dumbass

yachting
Credit: Getty Images

If you're still frantically trying to get in shape for the summer, consult a qualified personal trainer to make sure that your exercise routine doesn't cause you physical or legal harm.

Scott Barron from Alva, Florida was arrested for masturbating on his parked boat in plain sight as other people sailed past him. Allegedly, an off-duty cop asked Barron to stop, to which he quickly replied, "[expletive deleted] you!" After an on-duty officer showed up to arrest him, Barron tried to explain that he wasn't masturbating, he was exercising.

We get it. Everyone is excited that spring has sprung and we're all trying to enjoy the nice weather. But you've got to maintain your excitement at acceptable levels. Cursing out police officers while masturbating furiously is going over-board. Also, what exercise could that possibly even look like? Either Baron is on the forefront of physical fitness techniques, or he's just doing it wrong.

Either way, we'll stick with push-ups and not masturbating outside.

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Neal Stastny (@NealStas) is a comedian and writer in New York.

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The Opponents' Playbook: Is She Farting Near You On Purpose?

Posted 5/8/13 11:00 am EST by in Ladies, Relationships

girl farts

Yes, all girls fart...and no, those emissions don't smell like unicorns and butterflies. That's the kind of harsh truth you'll get from "Girl Code," but--even when the truth is gross--you can use it to your advantage. Here's what guys can learn from last night's episode.

1. Some Girls Fart To Judge Your Reaction

Jessimae Peluso "will fart on first dates" to gauge whether a guy is superficial or a gentleman. Conversely, Esther Ku will "only fart after my toothbrush is in his bathroom." Maybe a girl is testing you, or maybe she's just getting too comfortable, but either way she might be trying to tell you something--if you can hear it through the rippage.

2. They Blame Guys For Their Gas

Guys stereotypically blame the dog for cutting one, but girls blame you. "Girls are more blamers than claimers," Esther says, and she told female viewers to "stand next to the fattest guy in the room" when they fart, so he looks guilty. As if you needed another reason to hit the gym and work off your beer gut...

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Hungover Links: Boob Armor, Dumb Yearbook Pics & More

Posted 5/8/13 10:00 am EST by in News

yearbook
Photo via theCHIVE

While you were drinking...

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Today's Badass: This Guy Actually Makes 'DDR' Look Cool

Posted 5/7/13 4:00 pm EST by in Games, Today's Badass

ddr
Photo: YouTube

We all love playing video games, but we seldom break out the "Dance Dance Revolution" floor pad...because we don't own such a controller, and have no desire to do so. We might dance at the club, but we'd rather spend our gaming time on the couch.

Even though "DDR" isn't our favorite game (ranking somewhere around "My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic"), we respect genuine athletic talent when we see it. And this Japanese guy named Takaske could be an Olympic athlete, if he weren't so preoccupied at the arcade. Click through to watch him conquer two pads at once with uncanny speed.

Actually, we kinda want to see him play "My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic" now.

MORE: "The Fastest Feet in the West"

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The 5 Jobs Guys (Wrongly) Assume Make Girls A Sure Thing

Posted 5/7/13 3:00 pm EST by in Funny, Ladies

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Credit:  Valentine/Getty Images

Guys too often seem to believe our lives are a perpetual porno, and that countless women want to have sex with us. A tramp stamp, a tight tank top or even a certain job, and men think a girl is a "slut" who'll quickly jump into bed with us courtesy of one witty line or one hefty tip. However, our thinking is often hilariously wrong--especially because ladies with the following "sure thing" careers aren't that at all.

1. Hair Stylist

You sit in a comfy chair like a king while she grooms you into peak attractiveness. Some snips there, some clips here, and--as she gazes intently at your handsome mug in the salon's giant mirror--you start thinking: This could work. When she uses her long nails to shampoo your scalp...oh! Is this foreplay, or does she treat all her customers so nicely?

The latter, actually. In fact, she probably thinks you're a douche for spending so much loot on a simple haircut. Save your money, go to an old man barber and extinguish your slutty haircutter fantasies.

2. Tattoo Artist

The ink on her torso, back and limbs makes you think she's an impulsive thrill-seeker, and perhaps--as soon as your own ink dries--she'll do some more "work" on your body. Doubtful. Her art might be as permanent as the commitment she wants from a guy.

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Evolution Of A Bald Spot: Manu Ginobili Through The Years

Posted 5/7/13 2:00 pm EST by in Funny, Sports

manu-2013Credit: Ronald Martinez/Getty Images

As he exhibited once again last night, Manu Ginobili is a stone cold, dead-eye assassin. His game-winning three pointer in double overtime against the Warriors came minutes after he bricked a horrible three off the front iron. But Manu doesn't think about the past. He's got, as the great Bill Raftery would say, ONIONS.

He's also got the best bald spot in the NBA. In the picture above, taken not long after he ruined Steph Curry's night, Manu shows off his glistening pate with no shame. It's as if he's saying, "Yes, I'm bald. But I'll still drain a three right over your hair-having head." As a tribute to Manu, we look back at his magic chrome dome through the years.

2012

A year and a half ago Manu's bald spot was about the same size as it is today but it hadn't yet given up the ghost. If you look closely you can see a thin dusting of wispy hair hanging on for dear life. Those lost of hair-hicans have since called it quits.

manu-2012Credit: Steve Dykes/Getty Images

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Mother's Day 2013 Gift Guide: Best Tech Gadgets For Your Mom

Posted 5/7/13 1:00 pm EST by in Gadgets, Gear

Cards buyers look over Mother's day cards
Credit: Chris Hondros/Getty Images

Your mom might be happy just to receive a card or flowers from a website, but c'mon...she deserves something nicer for putting up with your crap throughout the year. Take this day seriously and get her a gift that she can actually use.

We know that some moms are more tech-savvy than others, so we'll help you unleash her inner geek with these gadgets. Just remember, it's the thought that counts...so buy her something you like as well, just in case she can't figure it out and tells you to keep it.

1. For The Music-Loving Mom

B570

Credit: Brevan.com

Braven 570 Wireless Speaker ($120): The Braven 570 allows Mom to bring her music anywhere in the house, or outdoors when she needs to get away from it all. With 10 hours of battery life, six watts of power, a built-in speakerphone and enough colors to match any room, it's a no-brainer for your audiophile mama.

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5 Things Girls Do That Should Not Be Considered Slutty

Posted 5/7/13 12:00 pm EST by in Funny, Ladies

Slut2
Credit: Dan Dalton/Getty Images

On tonight's "Girl Code," the ladies are talking sluts, sluttiness and all things slutty, a sensitive topic that men and women approach very differently. The term can be used any way from a friendly nickname among sorority sisters ("I love you, slut!") to a pointed insult behind an enemy's back ("That slut's probably given half the school herpes") to a desirable personality trait ("She's the perfect girl, super hot and slutty").

Context is everything. Some women find the word offensive while others find it empowering; they embrace their sexuality and stand up against slut-shaming. But the fact is, women get called sluts for doing things that are totally not slutty! Considering it's 2013, it's time to review a few of them.

1. Wearing Hot Outfits

If a girl wants to go out to a club wearing a washcloth as a tube top, cheers to that! (And cheers to double-sided tape!) The whole "judging a book by its cover" reasoning is way past its expiration date; if you think a nuclear physicist or a human rights lawyer never throws on a low-cut cocktail dress for a night on the town, you better think again.

Women should be able to wear hot outfits--last we checked, guys didn't mind that--without being labeled sluts. And while you're at it, don't discount that buttoned-up librarian; she might be an extremely literate tiger in the sack!

2. Talking To Guys

Sometimes girls will call another girl a "slut" for chatting with dudes at the bar, like the band's lead singer or the bartender...and some dudes will also call her that. Not suffering from social anxiety does not mean she's down to have sex with a whole football team; it might just mean she likes live music and free drinks.

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