Guy Code Blog - Part 7

5 Guys Who Ruined Mother's Day By Getting Arrested

Posted 5/10/13 4:00 pm EST by Kara Klenk in Funny

police lineup Photo: Jason Verschoor

It's not difficult to make your mom happy on Sunday. All she wants is a card...and flowers...and maybe credit at the spa...and one too many mimosas at brunch. But really, she just wants to be proud of you, which is difficult if you get arrested right before Mother's Day. She doesn't want to spend her special day arguing with a bail bondsman or the county sheriff, sorting out your mess. Here are few dudes who definitely blew it for Mom this week.

1. The Guy Who Got Attacked By An Alligator While Running From Cops

Alligator
Photo: Pinellas County Sheriff’s Office

Fill this under "Only In Florida." Twenty-year-old Bryan Zuniga allegedly bailed from his car during a traffic stop, scaled a fence and evaded police...but just when he thought he'd ditched the fuzz, he came face-to-face with an alligator behind a water-treatment plant. He survived, but Mom has to spend Mother's Day putting ointment on his alligator bites. Read More...

Tags Dumb Criminals, idiot criminals, Moms, Mother's Day, WTF

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5 Things No Guy Should Ever Admit To His Mom

Posted 5/10/13 3:00 pm EST by Michael Pomranz in Funny

yelling mom
Credit: Juanmonino

Mother's Day is hard for guys. It's one of the two days a year where you have to remember to call your mom. (May God's light shine upon you if Mother's Day happens to fall on your mom's birthday!)

When you talk to her, keep it quick and to the point. Don't make this completely unnecessary holiday any harder than it has to be by slipping into taboo mother/son topics. Trust us, when it comes to this relationship, some things are best left unsaid. Frighteningly, it's like your relationship with your girlfriend that way. Here are five confessions to avoid with Mom...and maybe your girlfriend too.

1) That You Hate Her Cooking

Growing up, I hated my mom's cooking. (My name's not going on this thing, right?) The meatloaf she used to make back in the '80s tasted exactly like...well, meatloaf. Terrible.

But know who else hates your mom's cooking? Your mom. She wishes she could serve a gourmet meal on a silver platter every night, but that's just not gonna happen. Also, you were a worthless, picky kid who needed to eat, so she cooked calorie-packed garbage for you so you'd survive. And survive you did, so don't you ever complain.

2) All the Drugs You've Done

Back in high school, at this raging weekend BBQ, some guy was on the phone screaming, "Mom, I'm on mushrooms! It's awesome!" At the time I remember thinking, "Whoa, it's amazing how close of a relationship that guy has with his mother. That's really cool!" What I now realize in retrospect is that guy was tripping f***ing face and his mom wanted nothing to do with the call.

Look, your mom already knows. She constantly smelled the stench of marijuana on your clothes back when you were naive enough to think she didn't know what marijuana smells like. The last thing Mom wants is to be an accomplice when the DEA takes you down, so leave her out of it.

Tags mom, mother, Mother's Day, Parents

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The Great Gatsby, Great Breaker Of Guy Code

Posted 5/10/13 2:00 pm EST by Aaron Goldfarb in Code Breakers, Movies

"The Great Gatsby" World Premiere - Inside Arrivals
Credit: D Dipasupil/Getty Images

With today's release of the latest movie adaptation of "The Great Gatsby," young guys might finally pick up this 1925 literary classic, along with F. Scott Fitzgerald's other novels. No, of course they won't--that would involve actually reading something longer than a tweet--but plenty of guys will see the movie with their girlfriends. And they'll discover that Gatsby is one of the biggest breakers of Guy Code in fictional character history.

Spoilers coming, though if you didn't sleep through high school English, you would already know this stuff...

1. No pride in his roots

The larger-than-life Jay Gatsby (Leonardo DiCaprio in the movie) isn't even Gatsby! He was once a penniless North Dakota boy named James Gatz. Ashamed of his humble beginnings as he tries to make a splash in New York high society, Gatz ditches his name, ignores his elderly father back home and invents a phony persona for himself.

There's nothing sadder than a guy ashamed of his roots and embarrassed by his family (unless he's a Kardashian). Though, admittedly, Gatsby is a pretty cool fake name to pick for yourself.

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How To Not Freak Out At The Urologist's Office

Posted 5/10/13 1:00 pm EST by Jonathan Hollis in Funny

Urologist-e1367599516712
Credit: Jordan Hollender/Getty Images

Guys under 50 don't normally have to visit the urologist, a.k.a. the dick doctor, but it can happen for a variety of reasons...and not just because you haven't been BRINGING THE RICE in the bedroom. (Or 'cause you've been pee-spraying like your dong is an unsecured fire hose.)

For instance, I recently went to the urologist after I sustained a mysterious groin injury while long-distance running. My primary doctor, just as a cautionary measure, wanted to make sure all of my equipment was in good standing. (And it was!) But whatever your medical case may be, a visit to the urologist's office is an awful and terrifying experience, especially for a healthy young buck.

Why? Because the waiting room is full of creaky old men devoid of all liveliness--some even sporting drainage bags--and the walls are plastered with nightmarish posters about how to tackle erectile dysfunction. In short, it's like a super depressing retirement home for penises. However, there's a way to get through these miserable, frightening appointments without suffering too much damage to your self-esteem or image.

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Why We Should Care About Battle Of The Nations [VIDEOS]

Posted 5/10/13 12:00 pm EST by Charlie Kasov in Funny, Sports, Video

battle of the nations
Credit: battleofthenations.ua

A thousand years ago, if men wanted to settle a dispute, they put on suits of armor, grabbed their swords and fought to the death. (If one man looked at another man's horse the wrong way, they also fought to the death.) Those were nasty, violent times, and now we're more civilized.

However, the manly art of sword-fighting has been revived--safely--with Battle of the Nations, a medieval-themed competition between groups of the bravest guys from 22 different countries. Each dude wears a full suit of armor and carries a blunted sword to inflict pain without cutting his opponent. A competitor is considered "dead" when three body parts touch the ground simultaneously.

This might be the greatest idea for a tournament ever, and it's happening again this weekend. The U.S. joined last year and came in fourth, but maybe this year we'll unseat reigning champion Russia. Whichever team you root for, here are some videos that show why you need to get into this sport.

1 vs. 1

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What's Good: The Rock's HBO Show, Kanye's Enigma & Macklemore

Posted 5/10/13 11:00 am EST by Guy Code Staff in Hip-hop, MTV2, TV, Video

schulz

It's Friday, which means Andrew Schulz is here to fill you in on the week's biggest pop-culture stories for MTV2's "What's Good." You already saw Mark Wahlberg and The Rock in "Pain & Gain," and now they're teaming up again for an HBO show about retired athletes in Miami. Plus, Kanye West has something big happening on June 18 but nobody knows what. (A kid? A new single? A new kilt?) Lastly, Schulz gives you a tribute to Macklemore, a guy you might've heard of. Before you have a good weekend, find out "What's Good" below!

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Tags Andrew Schulz, Kanye West, Macklemore, Mark Wahlberg, Pain & Gain, The Rock, What's Good

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Hungover Links: Snapchat Hack, Paulina Gretsky & More

Posted 5/10/13 10:02 am EST by Guy Code Staff in News

truck
"Murrican bald eagles attack Japanese pick-up truck" via HyperVocal

While you were drinking...

The long-awaited "Venture Bros." season five premieres June 2 on Adult Swim. Here's a badass eight-minute recap for you suckers who haven't kept up.

Get your learn on with 40 facts printed on 40 photos of gorgeous women.

Thanks to a pervy/intelligent hacker, you can now retain any Snapchat photo...for $300 to $500.

Have you caught Tony Siragusa's commercial for Depends yet? It's classic--so much so, in fact, that one broadcast journalist couldn't keep his s*** together while on the air.

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Today's Dumbass: Guy Hides From Cops In His Trunk...Twice

Posted 5/9/13 4:00 pm EST by Marty Beckerman in Today's Dumbass

maximilianschroeder

Palm Beach County Sheriff's Office

If you get pulled over for speeding, you'll probably try to get out of it with some good old-fashioned lies. "Sorry, officer, I must've missed the speed limit sign...my father was a policeman, by the way, and my love for him extends to all those who wear the badge."

That never works, though, so you might as well keep your dignity and accept the ticket like a man. Not like 28-year-old Maximilian Andrew Schroeder of West Boca, Florida, whom police accuse of playing hide-and-seek after they pulled him over at 3 a.m. for going about 20 mph over in a 35.

When police approached the red Mitsubishi, however, they couldn't find anyone inside. Mystified that "there was no one in the vehicle," they walked around it...at which point Schroeder allegedly jumped out of the trunk and drove away with "rapid evasive maneuvers." When authorities caught up to him 20 minutes later, they say, he hid inside the trunk again.

Yeah, the element of surprise only works once. Police arrested Schroeder for fleeing and marijuana possession. (Appropriately at 4:20 a.m.) Just stick with "I'm sorry, officer, it'll never happen again." Another lie.

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Marty Beckerman (@martybeckerman) is the Associate Editor of Guy Code Blog

Tags Cars, driving, Dumb Criminals, Today's Dumbass

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15 Dumb Lies About Mother's Day We Made Up

Posted 5/9/13 3:00 pm EST by RG Daniels in Funny

Mother's Day
Credit: Hulton Archive

The Guy Code on Mother's Day is simple: Treat ya mama right! As you make her day special, you might wonder about the origins of this holiday. How did it start? Was it an invention of the greeting card companies? Am I a bad person if I get my mom something, but completely ignore my stepmom?

Look, we don't have all the answers. Quite frankly, we spend most of Mother's Day hungover since it always falls on a Sunday. Here, though, are some fun lies we completely made up about Mother's Day. Convince your gullible siblings they're all true! Bonus points if someone believes they're real enough to repeat at brunch.

1. Nate Robinson was born on Mother's Day and immediately made his first three.

2. Eight out of the past 10 seasons, the New York Jets have statistically eliminated themselves from the NFL playoffs on Mother's Day.

3. The official song for Mother's Day is Pharcyde's "Ya Mama."

4. They don't celebrate Mother's Day in Mexico 'cause they're still hungover from Cinco de Mayo.

5. Mother's Day is usually celebrated in Italy with a guilt trip about being a bad son, then a really big lasagna is served.

6. Quentin Tarantino began his career writing Mother's Day cards. He was fired after writing, "Happy Mother's Day, Mom…I wanna hug you so tight your eyes pop out of your head and explode in the air like water balloons filled with pus. XOXO"
Read More...

Tags Comedy, Funny, Lying, mom, Mother's Day

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5 Times When Using An iPad Looks Ridiculous

Posted 5/9/13 2:00 pm EST by Aaron Goldfarb in Funny, Gadgets

President Obama Speaks At The National Action Network Awards Gala
Credit: Spencer Platt/Getty Images

We obviously think iPads are awesome, but some people seem to think it's a replacement for all other devices. Yeah, an iPad is great for playing games, reading books and watching movies--but there are also times when using that giant, bulky tablet just looks completely ridiculous.

For example, Spike Lee, taking a photo above. There's no denying he's a great filmmaker, but just because your iPad has a camera doesn't mean you should actually use it. Instead of blocking the view of everyone behind you, how 'bout just using an actual camera? Or, better yet, simply enjoying that beautiful view with those two natural cameras on the front of your face?

Here are four other examples of when an iPad looks more stupid than stylish...

Making a phone call

mzl.ygstauoy.480x480-75 (1)
Credit: Phoney Phone

While you can't technically make phone calls on your iPad, you can (sort of) by using Google Voice, Skype or even Facetime. Don't. Instead, pull that teeny tiny iPad from your pocket--also known as your phone--and handle your voice communications that way.