Welcome to GUY CODE, the official blog of MTV2's "Guy Code" series and your online destination for all things dude, including—but not limited to—irreverent commentary on sports, hip-hop and ladies. Stay awhile and flex your manhood.
When NYPD Officer Dane Natto woke up yesterday morning, he probably didn't think to himself, "Hey, I should become the laughing stock of all cops everywhere today." But just because dude didn't have that goal didn't mean he wouldn't achieve it. The cop and his partner responded to the ol' cat stuck in a tree call in Queens, and Natto tried to climb the tree to rescue the cat himself. The cat got scared and climbed higher.
Cut to 20 minutes later, and Natto's stuck in a tree while his partner's just finished laughing at him long enough to call the fire department. An elementary school's just let out and children are staring at him. The firemen show up and get a good laugh in before they rescue him.
That's right, firemen had to rescue a cop - not from a fire - but from a tree. You'll never hear about a fireman getting stuck in a tree because they're real men. And they're not morons. Being manly isn't about blind bravery, it's about being brave but smart so you can live to be brave another day. It's a myth that a fireman just runs into a burning building to save someone. They think about how to get the people out afterward.
Officer Natto ran up a tree with no idea how to get back down. So yes, he deserved to get laughed at by manlier men.
The problem with grocery stores, really, is that you can't eat and sleep and defecate on yourself in them. Why not make supermarkets more like nurseries?
Perhaps someday they will be, thanks to 30-year-old Sam Walton-esque visionary Trevor Runyon, whom police accuse of sneaking into a ValuMarket near Louisville, Kentucky around closing time...and then cooking a half-dozen steaks, in addition to devouring 57 cans of whipped cream, plus shrimp and birthday cake. And beer, obviously.
At some point, Runyon allegedly "went to bathroom on himself and got clothes to change into," and then "climbed into the rafters and went to sleep," according to a local NBC affiliate. Firefighters got him down from the ceiling, which must've been tough considering the approximately 5,000 pounds we're guessing he put on overnight.
On Wall Street, insider information is illegal 'cause it gives some guys an advantage over others. If you're not watching "Girl Code," you're missing out on a similar advantage. Every week, we're breaking down how you can use ladies' secrets to up your game.
1. Be Careful About "Liking" Her Facebook Bikini Photos
Girls hate it when other girls overshare, but we're with Andrew Schulz on this one: "Keep the Cancun pictures coming!"
However, you've gotta be subtle when expressing your appreciation, because she might not take it as flattery. Tanisha Long says, "If a guy 'likes' your picture at 2:45 in the morning on Facebook, he's a creep...especially if it's a picture from 2003. Then he's a super creep."
2. Be Perfect In Bed...And Imperfect Out Of It
A friend with benefits isn't a friend for life--but she is a friend for your sex life. You get laid, and you don't even have to worry about jealousy, meeting her parents or buying her dinner...so don't ruin it by making her fall in love with you!
Shalyah Evans explains that an ideal FWB "is someone you think is super fun and physically attractive, but has no qualities you would ever want to be in a relationship with." You don't have to charm a girl; you just have to keep her coming back for more.
Like all good things, though, it can't last forever. April Rose defines a FWB as "someone you don't mind losing when the right guy comes along." Until then, don't be the right guy. Read More...
We don't know much about Dutch dance and electro house music, but after watching this video, we're going start studying up. THUMP, the new electronic music and culture channel from VICE, has just released a new video of Melanie Iglesias seduced by a raver's glowing fingers as the Dutch electro house banger "Buzzcut" from the DJ duo Bingo Players plays in the background. There really aren't words for it, other than an open-mouthed, "Wow."
Successful relationships are built on a foundation of trust and honesty...and that foundation is spackled with little white lies. You should never deceive your girlfriend, of course--except when she asks you these questions. Then you should always lie.
1. "How do I look?"
Whether she's concerned about her weight or her outfit, the only acceptable response here is a positive one. Why is she asking you about her outfit anyway? You don't know anything about fashion--you're wearing a dirty t-shirt and sneakers with holes in them.
Even if you think her romper looks ridiculous and she could stand to lose a few pounds, there's no need to test out your Joan Rivers act on her. If you want to keep having sex, simply tell her she looks...sexy.
2. "Were you staring at her?"
There's an old adage in professional sports: "If you ain't cheating, then you ain't trying." Well, in the relationship game, if you're only staring, then you ain't cheating. How is it straying if you don't even touch?
But your girlfriend doesn't understand this. If she finds your eyeballs glued to a strange woman's ample chest, your only option is to admit the truth: "Yes, I was staring at her..." And then lie: "Because I was so disgusted that someone would go out in public like that. Has she no shame?!"
Never hustle. Hustling only leads to tired legs, sweaty brows and in the case of Major League outfielders, embarrassing face plants in front of 40,000 people.
Washington Nationals wunderkind Bryce Harper is the latest outfielder to sprint head on into an immoveable object. It happened last night in LA and the immediate aftermath is above. Harper, known for his balls-(and now face!)-to-the-wall hustling, was immediately taken out of the game with blood running down his neck.
Don't feel sorry for him though. That's what he gets for hustling. One would think that outfielders have learned by now that loafing and not flattening your face is better than trying hard and hitting the DL. They haven't though and here are the GIFs to prove it. Most of these are from the past few years, with one classic thrown in at the end. Let them all serve as a reminder of the horrors of hustling.
It's always exciting to get a Facebook friend request, especially from a girl. She might be looking for friendship, but we've only got one thing on our minds. And we've also got a little routine--a checklist, really--whenever we click "Accept."
1. Check profile pic to see if she's hot
Maybe she's a friend-of-a-friend you've never met, or maybe you met her in a bar and can't trust your judgment at the time. So you investigate. Her cover photo is some stupid landscape and her profile pic is a selfie too small to really tell. You enlarge it--oh, yeah, she's cute. You accept!
2. Search through her photo albums for bikini shots
The TV shows she likes ("True Blood," obviously), the online games she's playing, the brunch spots she's checking into...who gives a f***?! We want to find some semi-scandalous bikini pics!
Even though she has several dozen albums and several thousand mobile uploads, we're going to find that one bikini photo in this haystack. To speed up this potentially arduous process, a good bet is to just open any albums labeled "Vacation," "Summer" or "Cancun!!!!" If only there were an app to do this dirty work for us...
"Girl Code" discusses masturbation tonight, so we're jumping in.
Even a celibate monk could come up with a laundry list of terms for male masturbation. But even though females masturbate too (though, surely not as much as us), oddly there are very few mainstream slang terms for this glorious act. Let's change that, guys, and let girls know it's perfectly fine if they...
1. Diddle yourself
Amongst a sea of crass terms for the act, this is the most pleasant. Why, it almost sounds like something your grandma would've said back when she was young diddler! Read More...
Last week, 26-year-old Florida teacher Olivia Sprauer, pictured above, got fired from a Boca Raton high school over racy bikini pics that she'd posted online. "I'm too sexy for my job...LOL," she wrote in response. With a body like that, why waste your time handing out As and Bs when you can show off those amazing Ds?
Sprauer is just the most recent casualty of a disturbing trend: Hot teachers getting fired just for being hot. Here are four other educators who showed too much skin for superintendents to handle.