Credit: Universal Pictures
Hey, you! With the pimples! Look familiar?
Sure, there are a few extra pounds around the midsection, now that we can legally purchase beer. There are also a few gray hairs, but as you can see, we're rocking it like Clooney. That's right, I'm you, buddy! And since communicating apparently won't destroy the time-space continuum like Doc Brown theorized, let's have a chat.
First of all, quit wasting your money on VHS tapes and buy Apple/Amazon stock instead. Oh, there's a dude in Jersey named Mark Zuckerberg -- loan him a few bucks to get his company off the ground.
But here's the most important thing we need to discuss: You are terrible with women. You are thirstier than the vast majority of marine lifeforms. And the problem isn't that you're too much of a nonconformist individual for them -- it's your sh*tty, self-defeating attitude.
You're already shaking your head. Fine, I know how much you're enjoying virginity at 18. If you want to avoid years of romantic misery, however, take some of your own advice.
1. Friendship Is Not A Seduction Technique
Think the Friend Zone sucks? Try the Defriended Zone. Honesty is the best policy upfront, 'cause girls who consider you a good pal will feel betrayed when you finally confess your amorous ulterior motives. It's unfair to them and unproductive for you. There's a time for making friends deeply uncomfortable, and that time is during a prank.
2. Paranoia Is Not A Turn-On
I won't tell you which girlfriend it is, because that might disrupt the chain of events that ultimately leads you to Mrs. Right (don't worry, she's awesome and has big boobies), but you're gonna get cheated on. And it's going to suck.
That doesn't make it OK to assume the worst about your subsequent relationships. Demanding to know where a girl's been -- and who she's been there with -- is a chump move. Want her to ditch you? Then act like she already has.