Welcome to GUY CODE, the official blog of MTV2's "Guy Code" series and your online destination for all things dude, including—but not limited to—irreverent commentary on sports, hip-hop and ladies. Stay awhile and flex your manhood.
The football season's winding down, and that means fantasy football's ending even sooner. How are we supposed to live if we can't attribute fake points to actions we have no control over? Never fear, sports nerds, here are some alternative fantasy games to fill that void 'til fantasy golf season starts up again.
1. Fantasy Guys' Night Out
Before you hit the town with your boys, pick one of 'em as your fantasy player for the evening. Come up with a point system for his actions: Points given for drunken hugs, drunken fights and 20-minute conspiracy theory tirades. Automatic win if your player hooks up at the end of the night.
2. Fantasy Your Job
Going to your job is the worst of all the worsts, but make it more fun by selecting the most annoying guy at the office and seeing how many points he can rack up. Points are given for sending you a "funny" e-mail forward, making lame "Case Of The Mondays" jokes and getting yelled at by the boss for incompetence. Also: 10 points for every hour your player spends on Facebook.
Everybody needs a little help now and then, but after a while your parents get f**king sick of sending you a bailout every week. What's the best way to ask for some cash without coming off like a drain on the family budget? Try some of these excuses out and maybe you won't have to worry about whether you'll be invited back for Thanksgiving next year:
1. "I just need a little help to get my professional selfie business off the ground."
2. "I haven't been able to go to work ever since I gave that orphan my kidney."
3. "Beer doesn't just grow on trees, Mom!"
4. "I spent all the money you gave me last month on Christmas presents...for you."
We really have to thank our friends over at BroBible for introducing us to Lucinda Aragon in this week's new Hottie Index. It was a tough morning, dragging our asses back to work after four long days of turkey-gorging, beer-swilling and marathon-watching football. However, Lucinda is a shot of caffeine to our libidos and now we're running around the office like old-timey newspaper men.
There is a downside (isn't there always). Lucinda is the girlfriend of Snapchat CEO, Evan Spiegel. Not like she'd date mere mortals like Guy Code Bloggers anyway, but it's nice when that hope is kept alive.
Check out how lucky those beach kids are in the above photo. Wow. That might end up being the sexual highpoint of their entire lives. Lucky for all of us, Lucinda loves being topless on social media. Enjoy these photos.
It's getting super cold outside, and for most of you that means you're getting super fat. Putting on some winter weight is natural, but how do you know if you're crossing the threshold from a couple extra pounds into the world of the morbidly obese? Here are a few things to look out for:
1. Whenever your belly size increases, you compare it to a new NFL offensive lineman.
2. You spent the last 20 minutes convincing yourself it's possible to "rock" sweat pants.
3. The cashiers at every nearby drive-thru address you by name.
4. Your family holds an intervention by throwing all your ice cream containers in the trash.
Earlier this month, Michael Jordan was spotted playing beer pong in Miami. The world's all-time greatest basketball player appeared to have solid form -- even if he did illegally cross the line with his elbow -- but it got us thinking: What other, current athletes might be great at the frat house's most popular sporting competition? We had some ideas.
1. Rob Gronkowski
The NFL's most beloved party animal looks like the kind of guy who probably already has a $20,000 custom-made beer pong table in the basement of his opulent mansion...and who practices on it a lot.
2. Stephen Curry
This NBA sharpshooter has hit for a startling 44% from the three-point arc (and 90% from the line!) over his brief career, which would make a table-long toss a piece of cake. Having said that, the stick-thin Curry is probably a bit of a drinking lightweight, so challenge him later in the evening once he's had a few.
3. Mariano Rivera
Baseball's all-time greatest reliever just retired a few months ago, but let's make an exception for "Mo." With just one pitch -- a cutter -- that was always deftly accurate, we bet he'd have no trouble consistently getting the ball into a tight opening. And since this devoutly religious man doesn't imbibe, his pong partner will have to shoulder all the drinking load for him.
If your parents won't buy you a next-gen console for Christmas, because they think you should "get some culture" instead, then it's imperative that you defend gaming as an artistic medium. Here's why your "BioShock" poster deserves to be on the wall just as much as their cheesy landscape paintings:
1. Video games are in New York City's Museum of Modern Art (MoMA). So, excuse me, I'm not playing "Madden"; I'm experiencing the existential idea of an all-safety blitz.
2. "GTA V" is more successful than any film ever created, making $1 billion in 24 hours. So break out the popcorn, 'cause we're watching some cut scenes tonight. Read More...
'Tis the season for giving, and 29-year-old Serge Vorobyov took that to the extreme on Black Friday when he flung $1,000 in singles from a Mall Of America balcony. Was this some kind of anti-consumerism protest to show how shoppers will claw at each other over a dollar? No, he apparently just wanted to win back his former spouse.
Unfortunately, Vorobyov's ex-wife didn't accept his invitation to watch him hurl his "last $1,000" to the crowd below, as a choir sang "Let It Snow." But he did receive something in return for his charity: A police citation for disorderly conduct, and a one-year ban from the famous Minnesota shopping center.
He explained on YouTube that "I'm going through a horrible divorce she even took the cat and won't tell me where it is. ... I thought I'd just spread some holiday cheer, be positive and kind of, like, pay it forward." He should've saved a few bucks to pay his citation.
"I don't see how holiday cheer is disorderly conduct," Vorobyov protested, "but I think I made it more fun."
Every Wednesday before "Guy Court," we're debating a Guy Code violation using the Twitter hashtag #trialbycode, and the ladies of "Girl Code" are playing defense attorney.
Last season, "Guy Code" explained the rules of guys' night out, one of which is you don't spend it texting with your girlfriend. But what if you actually bring a girl with you? Is it ever cool in any circumstance? That's the question we sought to answer: