Welcome to GUY CODE, the official blog of MTV2's "Guy Code" series and your online destination for all things dude, including—but not limited to—irreverent commentary on sports, hip-hop and ladies. Stay awhile and flex your manhood.
Back in the mid-'90s, "Street Fighter II" was the most popular video game around, and it spawned countless imitators...perhaps none more infamous than Shaq's "Shaq-Fu," which pitted the basketball legend against various supernatural monsters from another dimension. Which actually sounds awesome in theory, but not so much in execution.
Making a sequel would be as ludicrous as making a sequel to "Kazaam," but Shaq has registered a trademark for something called "Shaqfighter." What the hell is this? Could it possibly be a long-awaited (by nobody) follow-up? Geekosystem is on the case...
You've seen 'em around: Pinkberry, Peachwave, Orangeleaf, Onionring...they're popping up everywhere, slinging that sweet frozen yogurt. Many women love it, so a fro-yo parlor is a great first date spot or after-dinner destination.
But you might find them intimidating. After all, these aren't exactly biker bars. With that in mind, here's how to eat frozen yogurt like a man.
1. Abuse The Samples
These can be your appetizer or the entire meal, depending on your budget and the establishment. Some dispensaries offer a self-serve stack of paper cups, and you're free to go to town on your own. Run the gamut, pile it high, let that coiled tower lean for a moment and then pop it like a Jell-O shot!
Other places have stricter regulations, requiring staff to dole out the samples like nuthouse nurses making sure you've swallowed your pills. You can occasionally sulk or charm your way into getting these rules relaxed. Fro-yo employees are usually busy, overworked or just don't care -- because they probably have a Bachelor's degree, and this is their life -- so even slight resistance to the rules may result in a quiet, "Whatever."
It's often said that guys are visually stimulated while ladies are turned on by emotional connection, but that's not necessarily true...and it doesn't stop us from sending dirty phone messages anyway.
We're hardly experts on this art form like Richard Johnson, Penis Photographer, but we know that most sexts -- like most artistic endeavors -- are terrible and embarrassing. Here are ways you can screw the sext pooch before even pressing "send."
1. Opening With Your Penis
Don't start with the main event -- you have to build up to it with a little flirting, maybe an explicit text message, to make sure the mood is set before bombarding her with a picture of your holiest of holies. If she's not open to this kind of exchange, she'll gasp in a bad way when her phone flashes a glowing picture of your meat and potatoes.
2. Sending It Before Lunchtime
If she just got to the office, then send her roses -- that's spontaneous and romantic. Sending a text about how you wanna get in dem guts before she's had a chance to finish her morning coffee? Not so much. This is a nighttime game.
Boobs should always be in the news (and we don't just mean those ones in Congress). Luckily, they have been of late.
Last week saw Angelina Jolie reveal intimate details of her double mastectomy. Then, The New York Times spotlighted performance artist Holly Van Voast and her bare-chested activism (we never knew we liked performance art so much). Even Playboy just released an "Ultimate History of Boobs," and, no, it wasn't simply a complete collection of every single issue they've ever published.
All these boobs in the news have made our friends at Nerve.com take note. In a piece called "Why Are Boobs So Fascinating?," writer Kate Hakala tries to answer that most important eternal question. She talks about the history of boobs, some famous ones and even discusses her own ample pair.
How far would you go for a chance to sleep with Daenerys Targaryen? Would you walk across a desert? How about fight in a battle? Would you double-cross your allies, cut off their heads and bring them to her in a burlap sack as she soaks in a bath?
That's what Daario Naharis did for her in last night's "Game of Thrones" and Jon Gabrus thinks that's a pretty baller move. You could argue that's a clear violation of Bros Before Hoes. Yet, as we learned from Charlamagne last season, that's an antiquated code. There is more to consider than just the fact they're your bros. For example, do they want to kill your lady crush? Well, then you might have to behead them. Metaphorically.
Watch and learn as Gabrus (now with a stately summer mustache) breaks down this week's Most Guy Code Moment.
Here's a good rule to live your life by: Never mouth off to a former boxing world champion unless you are also a former boxing world champion.
It's been a while since Rocky Lockridge earned the WBA super featherweight championship by knocking out Roger Mayweather in the first round, but it looks like he hasn't lost his punch. It's hard to hear what's being said in the video; but judging by the unknown man's body language, he decided it was a good idea to insult Lockridge to his face. A decision the dumbass has to regret making.
We don't know why the man started to launch verbal abuse at Lockridge. Maybe he drank too much of whatever was in that 16oz can he was carrying? Whatever the reason, don't pick a fight with a former world champion. Even if he hasn't fought professionally in several years, even if he's been struggling with health problems, you just shouldn't do it.
Unless, of course, you want to get knocked out in about .2 seconds.
The Hangout Music Festival won the weekend and became our new favorite warm weather event. In a genius move, it combines two of the greatest things on earth, live music and sexy ladies in bikinis. How did this revelation not come to music festival promoters earlier? All outdoor events from now on should be hosted on beachfront property: renaissance fairs, hotdog eating contests, book fairs, etc. Each would be improved by the presence of women in bikinis. Below are photos of our favorite sexy ladies enjoying the music and sun.
Whether your best friend stole your girl, or your roommate never bathes away his nasty B.O., it's your duty as a man to bring Code-breakers to court. Watch the video of Schulz below, explaining why you should email email@example.com to press charges.
HBO isn't developing a cartoon version of the "Song of Ice and Fire" series, which would be the most demented animation this side of Japanese tentacle porn. But we wish they'd make such a series, based on these hundreds of illustrations by a "Game of Thrones" superfan in Macedonia.
He drew every single character from the books, human and otherwise. And they look awesome. Seriously, if HBO won't move on this, can somebody please call Pixar?