Welcome to GUY CODE, the official blog of MTV2's "Guy Code" series and your online destination for all things dude, including—but not limited to—irreverent commentary on sports, hip-hop and ladies. Stay awhile and flex your manhood.
It's probably too late to expand the category to include cinema's best breasts of 2012, but here are our five nominations. (Well, 10 technically.) Either way, we'll be watching on Sunday at 9 p.m. EST.
When Padres outfielder Carlos Quentin charged the mound last night, pitcher Zack Greinke (who'd just plunked him) sustained a fractured left collarbone in the bench-clearing brawl. This presents a virtual explosion of Guy Code topics: When does a player have grounds to charge the mound? For how long can a guy play the "hold me back!" routine before he ought to (1) stop that or (2) throw a fist?
Regardless, it didn't have to end this way. Greinke should've tackled Quentin's ass.
Let's examine the facts. Quentin has been hit by 42 pitches since 2011, leading all of Major League Baseball. Last night's HBP marks the third time Greinke hit Quentin, so they have a bit of a history, although Greinke claimed it was unintentional. Anyhow, Quentin took a step toward the mound, at which point Greinke might've said something, and then it was game on.
It looked like Grienke would use the Kyle Farnsworth two-legged takedown, until he just leaned in with his left shoulder and absorbed a big check from Quentin. It's understandable that the pitcher didn't want to break his throwing hand, but delivering a (likely collarbone-breaking) check made no sense! This isn't bumper cars!
For that matter, Quentin started this thing and the best he had was a shove? Neither one of them threw a punch? We're not mad, just disappointed. Supposedly this was a brawl, yet hockey players they are not. Watch the video after the jump and judge for yourself.
Every time we fire up the Twitter machine and notice a celebrity's name is trending, we try to guess the reason. Most of the time the reason would make the person blush. Today, for example, Padres outfielder Carlos Quentin is trending 'cause he broke pitcher Zach Greinke's collarbone after getting hit by the ball. Not exactly why you want to become a trending topic.
This list covers pretty much every embarrassing scenario. Let's get to it.
1. Your sex tape leaked
Photo: Getty Images
The caveat is if you leaked it intentionally to launch a career (the Kardashian rule).
Recent examples:Hulk Hogan, Former Miss Teen Delaware
With this weekend's arrival of The Masters Tournament, most guys will...probably just ignore it, and leave the viewing to their golf-obsessed fathers. But perhaps they shouldn't. These touring professionals can teach you a lot about how to succeed in life.
1. Stay Cool
They don't sprint or fly through the air like other athletes, but for a golfer to win The Masters, he's gotta thrive in the highest of high-pressure situations. You try banging home a thirty-foot putt to save par. Never getting nervous in the face of stress is the key to raking in cash, or just approaching that one hot girl in class.
2. Show Off
On the course it's just the golfer and his ball...oh, and massive galleries of fans standing just a few feet away. That doesn't rattle a skilled golfer's nerves, but rather drives him to excel. You can either wilt in front of a crowd, or feed off its energy and make 'em admire you. Bring the same panache to your next game of bar darts.
When two Chicago men decided to rob the store Gifts and Sports at gunpoint, they didn't count on two things: An outlet called "Gifts and Sports" might contain a baseball bat, and 62-year-old owner Luis Quizhpe's ridiculous fighting skills.
Even though the burglars shot Quizhpe in the leg, causing him to lose "about a pint of blood," the senior citizen kept swinging and swinging until they ran off. "It was like the Fourth of July," Quizhpe told the Chicago Tribune. "Pow, pow, pow."
They fired 10 shots in all, but Quizhpe survived, as did his brother-in-law, who fought back with a stool and fire extinguisher. He's now considering retirement, but should give the MLB a call. Here's the incredible surveillance footage:
We've all gone overboard with public displays of affection, but for most of us, the only witnesses were the few people still at the bar at 4 a.m. For this Australian couple, however, the audience was considerably larger.
When the Google Street View car drove down Dukes Highway in South Australia, it captured two people seemingly boning on the side of the road. The woman waved at the camera as the man stood behind her with his pants around his ankles, drinking a beer.
Although Google Street View has captured embarrassing moments before, there's speculation that this one is staged. A Reddit user claims it's "me and my missus," and that they sped up to pose for the photo after seeing Google's car.
If he's telling the truth (and who on the internet isn't?), he at least took advantage of a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Still, speeding down back roads with beer in your car is definitely not worth trending online for a day.
Google has since censored the image, because nobody has ever used Google to find images of people having sex.
Why didn't Hansen stop singing? According to police, it might've been revenge. The couple had been fighting because "Hansen accused Malson of drinking all the alcohol in the house." In fact, cops say, "his face was flushed and it was difficult to tell if the redness was from alcohol intoxication or from Malson grabbing his neck."
Regardless, she's now facing domestic violence and harassment charges. On the bright side, at least this couple finally has a tune they can consider "their song."
Guys don't like to express a lot of emotion. We prefer stoicism over showing the outside world how we're feeling. And truth be told, we don't feel much of an emotional range beyond anger, happiness and indifference.
But one guy who has no problem showing his feelings is Manchester United's Phil Jones. The British are known for keeping their composure, but Jones doesn't follow that tradition. His face might as well be big block letters that spell out his mood. If you have trouble expressing your own feelings, just show people the corresponding Phil Jones picture.
The weather is finally getting nicer around the country, which means that bars are opening their gardens and roof decks. Day drinking is a classic spring/summer tradition--we all love an afternoon BBQ--but it comes with certain risks, such as dehydration from the sun and being hungover by 7 p.m.
To help you not make a fool of yourself, we've found some examples of people who got a little too excited about day drinking. The next time you hear yourself saying, "Well, it's five o'clock somewhere," remember these idiots.
1. You forget that bathrooms exist
Police in Florida recently arrested a man at 7:30 p.m. for allegedly exposing himself and defecating on the sidewalk outside a Burger King, then passing out beside empty cans of Four Loko. While it might be hard to find a public restroom at night, during the day you can just walk inside a fast food establishment.
2. You might destroy public property
When you're enjoying the sunshine, it's easy to forget that your actions have consequences. Like the Russian soldier who got hammered in the morning and drove his tank into a lamppost.