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What To Do When You Encounter A Bachelorette Party

Posted 4/25/13 12:50 pm EST by in Funny, Ladies

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Credit: Image Source

You're trying to enjoy an evening out with the guys when you see them: A group of women squealing and downing fruity drinks, dressed in coordinated t-shirts and hot pink boas, with one girl wearing a tiara. Oh s**t, it's a bachelorette party!

These dreadful chicks can easily ruin your night of drinking, so it's best if you know how to respond.

1. Ignore them

This might prove near impossible, since they're already making so much noise that you can barely think. Plus, they're all climbing up on the bar, dancing to '80s music and sipping drinks through penis-shaped straws. If you can't ignore them, at least throw some other '80s music on the jukebox--by which we mean, early Metallica.

2. Pick a new bar

But, seriously, why even put up with them? Do you really want to spend your Saturday night in the same bar where a completely wasted girl is spending her last weekend single? On second thought…pass that penis straw, this could get interesting.

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The 10 Ugliest NFL Draft Day Fashion Choices

Posted 4/25/13 11:55 am EST by in Funny, Sports

2011 NFL Draft
Credit: Chris Trotman/Getty Images

Today's NFL draft finally gives football fans a welcome respite from languishing in boredom since the end of last season. For many of us, the outcome of this draft will determine our happiness levels for the next several years. If your team selects the next Peyton Manning, you can eagerly anticipate multiple playoff appearances. If your team picks the next Ryan Leaf, get ready to spend countless Sundays screaming at the TV with white-hot rage.

Only time can tell us which players will rise to the top, but there's one thing we can judge them on immediately...their style. Sure, it might not correlate to success on the field, but draft day style has been a low moment for many NFL players.

JaMarcus Russell

2007 NFL Draft - April 28, 2007
Credit: Richard Schultz/Getty Images

JaMarcus Russell wasn't the first (and won't be the last) player to wear an all-black suit/shirt/tie combo, but it always sets a tone about as depressing as Russell's career.

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Today's Badass: Mormon Bishop Fights Off Stalker With Samurai Sword

Posted 4/25/13 10:50 am EST by in Today's Badass

samurai
Photo: Glenn Waters

Kent Hendrix is just your typical 47-year-old Mormon bishop who's also a fourth-degree black belt with a 29-inch samurai sword at his bedside. So when a stalker allegedly tried to break into his neighbor's Utah home, Hendrix did what anyone (with a 29-inch samurai sword) would: Withdrew the carbon steel blade and shouted, "You are so done!"

The suspect ran away, but Hendrix--a martial arts instructor--gave chase. "His eyes got as big as saucers and he kind of gasped and jumped back," Hendrix told the Associated Press. "He's probably never had anyone draw a sword on him before."

The alleged stalker--a former coworker of the neighbor, who'd already filed a restraining order--promptly turned himself in. Because when you're behind bars, at least a katana-wielding LDS minister can't get to you...for the time being.

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Hungover Links: 'Rent Is Too Damn High' Rap Anthem & More

Posted 4/25/13 10:00 am EST by in News

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"NASA Has Drawn a Giant Penis on the Surface of Mars" via Geekosystem

While you were drinking...

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Celebrity Twitter Accounts That Always Seem Hacked

Posted 4/24/13 4:30 pm EST by in Celebs, Funny

Shawn "Jay-Z" Carter Celebrates The Release Of His Newest Album "Kingdom Come"
Credit: Getty Images

Yesterday's hacking of the Associated Press Twitter account resulted in a tweet they'd clearly never send, which temporarily hurt the stock market. But sometimes on Twitter, you can't be sure whether a hacker is at fault...or just a celebrity. Here are a few notable tweeters who, on a day-to-day basis, always seem like they've been hacked.

1. Jose Canseco

The former MLB star and braggadocios steroid user is straight trolling the world via his Twitter account. Surely he's just trying to get a reaction from all of us, what with frequent tweets about kooky scientific theories, "Twilight"-esque fan fiction starring himself and weird Donald Trump-inspired dragon artwork. Is this the online footprint of a 'roided-up madman...or a comedic mad genius?

Jose Canseco Tweet
Credit: @JoseCanseco

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Today's Dumbass: Man Slashes 1,000 Tires To Meet Women

Posted 4/24/13 3:15 pm EST by in Today's Dumbass

flat tire
Credit: Tiburon Studios

It's normal for guys to feel self-conscious when approaching ladies. That's why you need an icebreaker, whether it's a tasteful joke, an insightful comment, an obnoxious magic trick or...um...a screwdriver and a spare tire.

25-year-old Yoshihito Harada is facing charges in Japan for puncturing women's car tires and then offering to help. "Looks like you've got a flat," Harada would allegedly say in supermarket parking lots after popping 'em. "Let me fix it for you."

Eventually, one of the girls mentioned Harada to her friend, who'd also allegedly received his creepy version of roadside assistance, and they went to police together. Prosecutors are presenting evidence for five such cases, but Harada's own lawyer--possibly the least helpful defense attorney on the planet--said his client pulled the con "about 1,000 times."

Seriously, guys, you might just want to stick with "hello" for your opening line.

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What To Do When You & Your Girlfriend Run Into An Ex

Posted 4/24/13 2:00 pm EST by in Relationships

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Credit: Jackie Besteman

You and your girlfriend are enjoying a beautiful spring day when it happens: You encounter your ex. It's possible that you two had a mutual, friendly breakup and she's happy you've found someone new--but yeah, right, like that ever happens. Best to know the possible routes you can take to immediately diffuse a potentially sticky situation.

1. Play it cool

Whether you live in a massive urban enclave or a one-horse town, the chances of eventually running into an ex are likely. Might as well grit your teeth and feign normality. "How'ya doin', girl-I-vomit-at-the-sight-of?" "Not bad, weirdo-I'd-rather-forget." How adult!

2. The cold shoulder

Sometimes a pleasant, amicable conversation is impossible. True martial artists avoid confrontation and only fight out of self-defense, so follow their example and don't escalate the situation into an all-out brawl unless it's absolutely necessary. Walk away and your ex won't have any sort of opening to start something.

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5 Tips For Planning Your Girlfriend's Birthday

Posted 4/24/13 12:50 pm EST by in Ladies, Relationships

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Credit: Joey Boylan/Getty Images

For every girl who thinks her birthday is the most important day of the year, there's a boyfriend who thinks a lame card and a breakfast burrito make a killer gift. Birthdays might not matter to you, but if you mess up hers, you'll hear about it for the next 364 days. Here are a few tips for successfully planning some birthday magic for your lady.

1. The Morning Surprise

This doesn't have to be extravagant like a Lexus with a huge red bow on it--just do something to kick off the day. Breakfast in bed is a classic. Or sneak a "happy birthday" note into her bag. Or, if you're feeling inspired, give her a mini-gift (a dog collar) that hints at the real gift you're giving later (a leather bodysuit...or, uh, a puppy).

2. She's Already Told You What She Wants

Even if she didn't say outright, "Buy this present for my birthday," she's probably dropped hints--you just weren't paying attention. Has she mentioned wanting something recently? Has she mentioned wanting it a thousand times?

Also, remember: The money you spend isn't half as important as the thought you put into it. And don't just get her whatever your buddy got his girl; not all girls are into stuff made out of hemp.

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Today's Badass: Man Punches Alligator To Save Son

Posted 4/24/13 11:55 am EST by in Today's Badass

man punches alligator
Credit: ABC Local 10

Kids, they're always getting into trouble--drawing on walls, not wearing their bicycle helmets, almost getting eaten by alligators...

When Florida man Joseph Welch took his six-year-old son Joey on a canoe trip last Friday, he hoped to expose the boy to "something new and different." That's certainly what happened, because an eight-foot-long gator chomped onto Joey's arm.

Some parents would be frozen into passive horror. Some parents would run for help. Not Joseph, who walked right up to the vicious beast and started punching the crap out of it.

"I didn't want to get into a tug-of-war with the gator," Joseph said. "I didn't want my son's arm ripped off."

Eventually, the animal decided that the pummeling wasn't worth a quick snack, and let Joey go. The child had some cuts, but more importantly had his arm. The hero father sustained no injuries, NPR reported, "except for a bruised right hand," which is basically the most hardcore thing we've ever read.

Wildlife officials killed the alligator. Joseph probably would've done it himself, but you can only punch a giant carnivorous monster for so long without getting bored, right?

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Marty Beckerman (@martybeckerman) is the Associate Editor of Guy Code Blog

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The Opponents' Playbook: Useful Tricks From 'Girl Code'

Posted 4/24/13 11:00 am EST by in Ladies, Relationships

opponents playbook

Your friends might have decent advice on getting chicks, but you know who has better advice? Chicks. And last night's premiere episode of "Girl Code" gave you plenty of insider knowledge to work with...

1. Give Her Your Breast Regards

Girls are all insecure about their boob size, so a compliment in the bedroom can go a long way--but keep it tasteful. Do NOT say, "I wanna touch your boobies," Carly Aquilino warns.

2. Fit The Profile Or Move On

Most girls have a "type," so 90% of impressing them is just fitting it. For Jessimae Peluso, it's guys with "forearm tattoos and priors." For April Rose, who has a "major daddy complex," it's older guys. Some ladies even love fat dudes. The point is, if she's feeling you, you'll know right away. Otherwise, you're wasting your time.

3. Study Her Body...Language

She won't outright tell you that she's feeling you, though--instead, she'll touch your arm and laugh harder than normal. (This can be confusing, as Chris Distefano notes, because she might just be on Quaaludes.)

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