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Welcome to GUY CODE, the official blog of MTV2's "Guy Code" series and your online destination for all things dude, including—but not limited to—irreverent commentary on sports, hip-hop and ladies. Stay awhile and flex your manhood.

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While you were drinking...

  • A Wisconsin woman caught a neighbor's two kittens mating in her yard and called 911 to report it, because she thought police had nothing more important to do.

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unisex bathroomCredit: Peter Dazeley

The unisex bathroom is the worst invention since the ______ (insert any invention here). Whether you're at a bar or anywhere else with a single toilet, the thought of a hot girl entering right after you've released the stink hounds is terrifying. Don't let your sphincter wipe out your game! Here are five ways to save your dignity.

1. Make It Look Like You Were Just Peeing

This is the most effective method on two conditions: The person behind you in line had to see someone leave the bathroom before you went in, and you have to be quick. That means no reading or playing video games in there.

Your face will be red from the speedy pushing, but if you leave the seat up quietly, whoever's after you will think you just suffered through peeing in a stank bathroom. Don't be surprised if you get treated like the hero that you are.

2. Be A Boy Scout

Boy Scouts are always prepared, and you can be too, if you make sure to always have a battery-powered fan, extra batteries and some cologne (or travel-size air freshener) in your bag. Oh, and always have a bag, and never take it off so it doesn't look weird when you go to the bathroom still wearing it.

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Doctor Fish Health Spa Alleviates Skin Complaints
Credit: China Photos/Getty Images

Any girl you date will go through more to look hot than you do, unless you're into dirty hippie chicks whose idea of makeup is the dirt that accumulates from not showering for a week. Even if you tell her that she looks great without makeup--or with a little bit of stubble on her legs--fashion magazines and her friends have most likely destroyed her self-confidence way before you met her.

The point is, women go through hell to make us go wild. We love the end result, but let's take a look at what they endure to get there.

1. High Heels

You've made reservations at a fancy restaurant, but arrive hours late because her high heels keep her from walking at more than a mile per year. There's a reason she wears them, though: They make her taller, her boobs look bigger, and her butt gets more curvaceous...at the price of doing a real number on her feet, knees and back. By the end of that date, the best way to woo her is with some romantic Advil.

2. Weird Fish Pedicure

You don't care about how her feet look? That's because she spends so much time taking care of them, you don't know what they'd look like ugly. Ladies have been getting pedicures forever, but the latest trend is to have little toothless fish eat away at the dead skin and calluses on their feet. If a woman has any cut or sore on her foot, she can end up with an infection courtesy of those nasty fish. After that, you're gonna tell her you "don't care"?

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Tarth

"Game of Thrones" geeks like us and Jon Gabrus were really stoked on last week's episode. While this week's installment, entitled "Kissed By Fire," is great as well, it left us wanting more...more of what exactly? Well, you'll have to watch Gabrus's video below for that. He gives a short recap of this week's episode with the Most Guy Code Moment as the kicker.

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Credit:  UpperCut Images

It happens to the best of us. You're enjoying some alone time--really enjoying it--when your girlfriend walks through the door and gasps in disgust. Even if she doesn't catch you with your pants down, she might snoop through your internet history and confront you about it. Either way, you need to have some quick, quality excuses at your disposal.

1. It's spam

The internet is overloaded with annoying advertisements. Simply trying to load a page to check an NBA box score inundates you with a maelstrom of ads for credit cards, insurance companies and dating services. Would it be that hard to convince your girlfriend that you clicked on the wrong pop-up?

2. You didn't know what it was

You probably could get away with making her believe your jerk buddy sent you a video he didn't label correctly, or that his account was hacked. In fact, tell her that based on its file name, you truly thought it was going to be a cute video about, uh, young amateur cats.

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Rooftop Paparazzi
Credit: Kirby/Getty Images

Technology has progressed so rapidly over the last few decades, it's almost impossible to imagine what life was like just a generation ago. Although it sounds crazy now, snooping on a new girlfriend used to require more than checking her Facebook profile, where she's spent years publicly expressing her life and opinions. In fact, verifying information or finding out about her exes required difficult detective work.

1. The Social Network

We don't mean Mark Zuckerberg's. Before Facebook, you'd have to actually talk to people to get information. Maybe your brother's friend's sister's cousin knew her in high school and said she's a crazy conspiracy theorist. But then you heard from someone else that your brother's friend's sister's cousin is just totally jealous. Gossip is as unreliable as it is unmanly. Aren't you glad you don't have to talk to people anymore?

2. Old Yearbooks

If you wanted to find out what she was like, who she was friends with or who she used to date, you'd have to track down her yearbook. (Those signatures inside the covers would tell you everything.) If you were lucky, it was in her apartment. If not, you had to break into her parents' house at night.

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Angust T Jones
Credit: Valerie Macon / Getty Images

Angus T. Jones, the kid from "Two And A Half Men," isn't returning for the 11th season because of religious reasons...and a rant in which he encouraged people not to watch the "filth on CBS." The show must go on, though, so let's help CBS cast a replacement.

1. Andy Milonakis

What has Andy Milonakis been up to since "The Andy Milonakis Show" went off the air? Posting hilariously profane hardcore rap videos, which would make a perfect plot line to drive his "dad" Jon Cryer crazy.

2. Macaulay Culkin

Looking to replace a wisecracking young man who used to be an adorable child star? Macaulay Culkin's phone should be ringing off the hook! Plus, Culkin and Kutcher with a guest cameo from Mila Kunis would be a ratings bonanza.

3. Jason Alexander

Yeah, he's a little old for the part, but George Costanza was America's original "half man" to Jerry and Kramer. Jason Alexander is the premiere short stature, short-fused sidekick...and if there's one thing he knows, it's how to get laughs from living with his parents.

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helicopter guy
Photo via St. John's County Sheriff's Office

Here's the basic plan every criminal has for breaking and entering: Get in, get what you want and get out as fast as possible. However, Jason Vickery of St. Augustine, Florida seems to play by his own set of rules.

Police have charged Vickery with one of the most bizarre cases of breaking and entering we've ever heard. Allegedly, he broke into a house and began masturbating in the bathroom, then saw a remote control helicopter and quit masturbating to fly it outside. After tiring of the helicopter, police say, Vickery ate a salad (which he brought, didn't steal) and started masturbating in the bathroom again until he heard voices outside. He left the house and got arrested with "a bag full of marijuana, other drug paraphernalia, a wig, a towel and a pouch of chewing tobacco," according to a local Fox station.

Nothing about this makes sense. Did he break in to steal something and then get aroused? Did he want to test the helicopter before taking it? Why did he pack a lunch? The craziest part might be that he's health-conscious enough to eat a salad.

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Neal Stastny (@NealStas) is a comedian and writer in New York.

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Photo: Pleated-Jeans

While you were drinking...

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chest shaving
Credit: Nicolas McComber

There are many dubious ways to pass a drug test, such as popping "all-natural" pills from sketchy websites or borrowing your best friend's urine. But we've gotta hand it to Roberto De Paz of Long Island. As part of a custody battle, a judge ordered him to present "a receipt confirming that he had paid for and undergone the hair follicle test."

He paid for the test, all right, except it couldn't be performed...'cause he had shaved every follicle off his body.

The judge held De Paz in contempt and gave him a 90-day jail sentence. However, the baby-smooth man appealed...and won on a technicality: The judge had instructed him not to get a haircut before the test, but didn't mention manscaping.

Even though De Paz is no longer headed to prison, we just can't endorse his actions. Drastic times call for drastic measures, sure, but nothing calls for a man taking a razor to every square inch of himself. Plus, it's gonna look super, super weird stoned.

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Marty Beckerman (@martybeckerman) is the Associate Editor of Guy Code Blog

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