Welcome to GUY CODE, the official blog of MTV2's "Guy Code" series and your online destination for all things dude, including—but not limited to—irreverent commentary on sports, hip-hop and ladies. Stay awhile and flex your manhood.
Chris Distefano from "Guy Code" is your replacement physical trainer, thanks to our video series "Chrissy D's Muscle Couch," but we doubt you'll try all of his athletic activities. Specifically, his pickup basketball team (featuring Vinny Guadagnino) has more slammed d*cks than slam dunks. We don't expect "Shorts & Skins" to replace "Shirts & Skins" on every court, nor do we expect a women's league to form anytime soon, as funny as it is:
Anything men can do, women can look better doing. With perfectly applied mascara and not a stray hair out of place, they can kill the main course of Thanksgiving dinner without breaking a sweat. (Women glisten; they don't sweat. Or so our girlfriends keep telling us.)
Don't believe us? Take a look at these photos of pretty ladies showing off their prey. Some are even wielding crossbows that would make Daryl Dixon jealous.
Haircuts can be a tricky thing: The differences between a decent one and a terrible one are subtle, and even you, the owner of the head in question, may not know whether you've been victimized by the person wielding those clippers. But ladies can tell, so here are seven signs that your haircut is nothing to be thankful for this week.
1. You're loyal to your barber...because he is your mom.
2. Your girlfriend suddenly lifts her "no hats in nice restaurants" rule.
3. People ask if you just got a haircut, then nod sympathetically when you say "yes."
We're officially knee deep in the holiday season. Decorations are going up. Presents are being purchased. And whenever you're in a department store, restaurant or train station, you're likely to hear classic Christmas carols. Some of them are pleasant holiday standards. But others, when you really listen to them, are just straight-up creepy. Like, there are Marilyn Manson songs less disturbing. For example...
"Santa Claus Is Coming to Town"
He sees you when you're sleeping
He knows when you're awake
Oh, does he? This anthem is used year in, year out, as a way to introduce young children to the legend of Santa Claus. However, the notion behind this festive little jingle is a little too...hmm...what's the word I'm looking for? "Molesty"? Yep. Molesty.
The lyrics to this song conjure up images of an old bearded creep watching multiple young children sleep. He's making a list and checking it twice? Guess what, fat man? You watch my kids sleep and you'll wind up on a list yourself. My sh*t list.
Guys love football and women, but often these loves must be appreciated separately. Sometimes, though, ladies possess encyclopedic knowledge of the game, which is liable to make a dude's head explode with joy. (The one with a brain in it, we mean.)
That's why comedian Ray DeVito spent a day at New York City's Met Life Stadium, quizzing female fans -- and Gotham City Cheerleaders -- on their NFL knowledge. He left impressed, and some of them even surprised themselves with their correct answers:
Between Mom's homemade stuffing and the Steelers vs. Ravens game on a 75" flat screen, going home for Thanksgiving isn't half bad. We're expected to stuff our faces and watch insane amounts of football, which makes it the best day of the year in our book. Or at least, it makes having to kiss your bearded Aunt Sally on the cheek bearable. (Steer clear of the mole.)
You've got the girl of your dreams and everything is roses and cream. But what seems like true romance to you might be your friends' worst nightmare. You may be in love, but you also may be nauseating. Check out these red flags that your happiness is pissing off everybody you know.
1. Your gushy Facebook posts are so bad, even your parents unfriend you.
2. The only place you don't make out is at the dentist's office.
3. You stitch two sweaters together so you can stay warm forever.
4. You create a horrible hybrid nickname like "Jeremyiffer."
In case you missed it earlier this week, because you were too busy snapping pics with your double-chin jutted out as far as it can stretch, Oxford Dictionaries proclaimed "selfie" its word of the year. A lot of people groaned at the selection, but they're just haters.
Society's unrelenting digital narcissism is a wonderful thing -- specifically, because countless beautiful women post their snapshots online for all to enjoy. This phenomenon was unthinkable before smartphones, but as these photos over at TheCHIVE prove, technology, curves and omnipresent exhibitionism are a wonderful combination.
If you wanna be one of those goofballs with an apron and chef's knife, then go right ahead and carve your turkey the old-fashioned way. If you're looking for alternatives to REALLY make this a Thanksgiving to remember, then read on. We've compiled a list of tools and options to demolish your bird. Some may be more available than others. Also, it goes without saying: DO NOT ATTEMPT ANY OF THESE UNLESS YOU ARE A TRAINED PROFESSIONAL WHO UNDERSTANDS WE ARE ONLY JOKING AROUND (duh!)