Text: Sean Green (@seantgreen) is a standup comedian and podcast host living in LA
Design: Jim Tews (@jimtews) is a comedian and former quarterback for the Philadelphia Phillies.
"Dude, I love that movie!" Ehh, are you sure about that? Because the last time you saw it, you were 11 years old. You might want to give it a good re-watch and see how your grown-up brain feels. It's a sad phenomenon, but sometimes our favorite childhood movies turn out to be way worse than we remember. Below are just a few examples of movies we grew up with that turned out to be tragically unwatchable in our bearded years.
1. "Short Circuit"
Remember this one? "Johnny Five, is ALIVE!" Well, he'll be dead to you after watching it again. When you're a kid, this robot seems so cool and hilarious, because he says awesome stuff like, "We be jammin'!" But, in reality, Johnny Five is an unfunny, gear-grinding lemon that is undeserving of Steve Guttenberg's companionship.
Even worse, the wacky, stereotypical Indian scientist from the movie, Ben Jabituya, was actually played by Fisher Stevens--a white guy--making "Short Circuit" almost as racist as "Soul Man."
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Over the years, your brother or sister has been robbing your mother's love right from under your nose. Today, that ends. Today, you charge your way into Mom's heart and throw your siblings off the Mountain of Maternal Love so you can claim the crown. Follow these steps and guarantee you'll give a better a gift than your siblings next Sunday.
Step #1: Snoop the Competition
Credit: Getty Images
Light up a pipe and get Sherlock on your siblings. Bring up their web history, follow them to the mall, do whatever it takes to get a jump on what they'll be giving to Mom. The more information, the better. Get your brother's girlfriend drunk, sleep with your sister's friends or blackmail your dad. This is your chance to flex your James Bond style.
Photo: Roar the dinosaur
While you were drinking...
- When you see a guy in khakis and a cardigan entering an amateur freestyle battle, the bar is probably set pretty low. But this guy surprised the crowd with his super white guy flow.
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One of our favorite additions to "Guy Code" in season three was Dan Soder, who delivered painfully gut-busting laughs. Comedy Central took notice, and now he's performing on "The Half Hour" tonight at 12/11C. As the name implies, it's thirty minutes of standup comedy...and judging by this preview clip, it's gonna be hilarious:
We caught up with Dan to ask about other topics he'll tackle on "The Half Hour," how he felt appearing on Conan and why some comedians are funny on stage but suck at Twitter.
Aside from hipster-bashing, what can we expect tonight?
There are definitely some "Guy Code"-related subjects like drinking, dating, a lot of that kind of stuff.
What have you been up to since season three ended?
I got a haircut, bought a sandwich with the money they gave me and have been taking a lot of naps. So basically, I've been like a lazy Forrest Gump.
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Chances are you're gonna put a lot of tequila in your body this weekend, never mind the horrific hangover (and police record?) that Cinco de Mayo brought you last year. The moment someone pulls out that bottle of magic, you've got a shot glass in hand and a stupid grin on your face that says, "I am horrible at learning lessons."
If you're determined to head down that path, try to learn some lessons about Cinco de Mayo itself. Here are strange-but-true facts that'll help you break the ice with señoritas at any bar or party.
1. Jose Cuervo was a real person
He was the first to commercialize and mass market tequila. (Also real: Jack Daniel, Jim Beam and Captain Morgan.)
2. Tequila was used as a flu remedy during Mexico's flu epidemic of 1918
NyQuil will also knock you out, but isn't nearly as much fun.
3. Scientists can turn tequila vapor into diamonds
Helpful since, after your girlfriend polishes off half a bottle of it, you'll probably have to pay for something.
How far would you go to impress your boss? If you work at Rapid Realty, a New York City real estate firm, you can earn a 15% raise...for getting a tattoo of the company logo.
Forty out of 750 employees have already gotten inked. The tattoos can be hidden--unlike a Mitt Romney logo face tat--but that doesn't make it any less permanent. If any of these workers jump ship and head to the competition, do they ask for laser tattoo removal in their benefits package? And how far away are we, really, from human billboards?
"My wife was a little concerned," a Rapid Realty staffer told the New York Daily News, "but I said, 'You know what? It was the best commitment I could think of.'"
We can't blame a guy for getting paid extra...but no matter what color your tattoo is, after kissing your boss's ass this hard, your nose is gonna be spattered with brown.
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Mexico is our neighbor. And we love those guys. Without 'em, we wouldn't have a badass Spring Break destination...and a bunch of other stuff we're grateful for. With Cinco de Mayo right around the corner, we're saying "gracias, Mexico" for making our lives better with the following contributions.
Credit: Sean Gallup/Getty Images
Not since the Italians gave us pizza has something so frikkin' delicious taken over the U.S.A. Honestly, if we were forced to eat one thing for the rest of our glowing existence, we'd choose tacos. We don't know one person who doesn't like 'em...but if we met them, rest assured, we wouldn’t trust them any more than we'd trust Wiz Khalifa with our stash.
Taste is subjective, varying from person to person. Some of us prefer ketchup, some prefer mustard. Some of us prefer chocolate, some prefer vanilla. However, certain things--true things, like science, mathematics and Guy Code--are objective. And if you hate cilantro, you are objectively wrong.
Let's examine the facts. Most human beings love cilantro, as well they should. It's a staple of cuisines ranging from Asia to Africa to the Mediterranean to Europe to Latin America. So right off the bat, if you don't like cilantro, you're (statistically speaking) inhuman.
Have you ever eaten guacamole without cilantro? It's like having sex if you chopped your dick off. Celebrating Cinco de Mayo this weekend without cilantro would be like celebrating St. Paddy's in a Union Jack shirt: Ignorant at best, intolerant at worst. How did you get this way? No baby is born a bigot, whether against Irishmen or coriander.
Wait, you say, scientists believe cilantro aversion is genetic, so--due to a chemical reaction that makes cilantro taste like soap in my mouth--I was born hating it.
You were also born pissing and s***ting yourself, but that's not appropriate behavior over the age of three (and under the age of 80). Expand your palate! We thought beer tasted gross when we were 12, and now we put it on our Corn Flakes, along with cilantro.
Saying the Kentucky Derby is "just a horse race" is like saying a Porsche is "just a car." Saturday marks the 139th running of this classic American sporting tradition, which is famous for crowds dressed in seersucker, drinking mint juleps and placing bets on the horses they think will make them some quick cash.
We already gave you our odds, but we figured we'd talk to an actual Kentucky Derby expert, so we called Ed DeRosa of twinspires.com. He's a real numbers guy who's been around the track for most of his life...and he knows what each kind of bet says about a man. Here's what we gleaned from his breakdown.
1. "Bet" (The Straight Shooter)
What it is: Betting a single horse to place first.
What it says: Just like this wager, you're a guy who knows what he wants and goes for it. Your confidence is a weapon and you use it well. When you see something you like, a nod is all it takes. You owe it to yourself to cash in on that bravado.
2. "Show" (The Easy Rider)
What it is: Betting a single horse for at least a third place finish.
What it says: Betting for show requires the least amount of effort on your part, which is why you dig it. You're the kind of guy who does laundry once per month--even though you only own a week's worth of clothes--and your ideal dinner is Easy Mac. You might choose your horse wisely after some research...but you also might choose it because of its badass name.