Guy Code Blog http://guycodeblog.mtv.com Guy Code Blog Tue, 11 Nov 2014 19:00:44 +0000 en-US hourly 1 Guy Code Blog Is Sneaking Out To Crash MTV News http://guycodeblog.mtv.com/2014/07/03/guy-code-blog-has-moved/ http://guycodeblog.mtv.com/2014/07/03/guy-code-blog-has-moved/#comments Thu, 03 Jul 2014 17:30:49 +0000 http://guycodeblog.mtv.com/?p=145035

Playing “Madden” at home with your buddies is great. However, there comes a time when you tire of each other’s smells and you venture outside to find pretty girls, stiff drinks and a blue swimming pool. That time has arrived for us, we’re leaving our mom’s basement to crash the MTV News party.

As editor, it’s been a blast running this blog for the last three years. Our dedicated readers are a daily source of insight and entertainment via comments and social media. I can’t wait to show you all the cool new sh*t we’re doing on MTV News, plus we’ll continue doing the same funny sh*t, advice and guy lifestyle posts you already like. We’ll still share our content on Guy Code’s Twitter and Facebook, so follow us and you won’t miss a thing.

I’m well-known amongst my friends for my Irish good-byes. I don’t see the point in making a big production about leaving a party when you’ll see those people again soon. That said ….

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Ryan McKee (@TheRyanMcKee) just ghosted your party
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5 ‘Holy Sh*t’ Moments A Guy Needs To Be Happy http://guycodeblog.mtv.com/2014/07/03/how-to-be-happy/ http://guycodeblog.mtv.com/2014/07/03/how-to-be-happy/#comments Thu, 03 Jul 2014 17:00:07 +0000 http://guycodeblog.mtv.com/?p=145020

When you’re miserable, it’s easy to tell. You wake up hungover most mornings (despite swearing you’d dial it down the previous a.m.), you lash out at everybody (friends, strangers at the bar, your fellow internet comment trolls), you always fantasize about “what if…?” scenarios (because reality’s all wrong), and you stop practicing basic hygiene (take a shower, dude, you smell like ass).

When you’re content, though, it’s more difficult to gauge — or even notice — because guys don’t tend to exhibit signs of euphoria. If you’re leaping to and fro, hugging every human in sight because life is beautiful and each moment is precious, that’s probably just the Molly you took 30 minutes ago kicking in.

And yet, there are certain moments when you realize you’ve moved a mental roadblock out of your way. There’s no whooping it up in ecstatic celebration; you’ll simply feel the placid satisfaction of being on an even keel. That’s real happiness, bud, and here are some epiphanies that’ll foster it…

1. “Holy Sh*t, I’m Over My Daddy Issues”

donttell-locke

Whatever the reason — youthful rebellion, midlife crisis, a plain old raging Oedipus complex — a lot of guys have serious problems with their fathers. From your perspective, he’s an OCD control freak who refuses to treat you like your own man; from his perspective, you’re an ungrateful punk who knows nothing about the real world.

As time goes on, though, and you no longer economically suckle from Dad’s man-teat, you’ll begin to understand where he was coming from: Turning the lights off when you leave a room does cut the utilities bill; you can’t wear a t-shirt to a job interview; you shouldn’t post pics of your bong on Instagram.

But you know what’s really going to fix your father-son relationship, if anything can? Learning that he’s mortal. Your old man’s getting older, and one health scare is enough to put all your petty bickering in the past. He won’t seem like a power-hungry tyrant anymore; he’ll just be a guy you’re glad to still have around. A guy who’s likewise glad to see you finally becoming your own man.

2. “Holy Sh*t, There Is No ‘Perfect 10′”

Im-Glad-You-Think-So-Highly-of-Me-Tumblr

That doesn’t mean beautiful, awesome women don’t exist; it means human beings — including yourself — have flaws, whether they’re physical or otherwise, and you’ll be forever alone if you hold real people to an unblemished ideal in your head. Ain’t nobody perfect but Jesus…and maybe Patrick Stewart.

But you can meet a girl who’s perfect for you – who’s strong in the ways you’re weak, whose frailties you can’t help but love, and who tolerates your awful singing voice. And yeah, she’ll be hot, if your standards aren’t “Kate Upton or bust.” (Or even just “Kate Upton’s bust,” come to think of it, and we might.)

3. “Holy Sh*t, I Behave In Patterns”

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You get blackout wasted and take your pants off at party after party; every relationship you have — all with girlfriends of a specific, mismatched personality type — disintegrates with the exact same arguments; you’re in debt no matter how much money you make; whatever city you move to, however far you travel, you can’t seem to run away from your own homegrown tendencies.

It’s tough to admit, but you’re on autopilot. We all have behavioral GPS coordinates from our biology and upbringing that keep dropping us off at familiar destinations, and they’re buried so deep in our subconscious we don’t even comprehend how familiar those destinations are. In a weird way, you can’t exercise free will until you recognize how you can’t exercise free will.

In other words, if you’re known around town as “that weirdo who takes his pants off at every party,” maybe don’t do it anymore?!

4. “Holy Sh*t, People I Envy Are MORE Envious”

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Guys are super competitive. When we’re younger, we want to outrun our peers; as we creak into decrepitude, we want to outspend them. But let’s skip the “money doesn’t buy happiness” lecture, because A) you already know that, B) it’s preachy as hell, and C) money is f*cking SPECTACULAR. Monks who take a vow of poverty are cool and all, but for most of us, it’s impossible to be happy without enough cash for our basic needs and some cool gadgets on top.

The problem is defining what your needs are. Right out of college, you’re happy to own a broken futon and a wholesale crate of ramen. A decade later, your friends are living in nice-ass homes with nice-ass furnishings, driving nice-ass cars, drinking nice-ass wine and having sex with people who have nice asses.

You will feel incredible pressure to keep up, but your rich friends aren’t comparing themselves to you; they’re comparing themselves to their even richer friends, who hang original commissioned artwork instead of limited edition prints and spend the winter in St. Barts instead of St. Lucia. If you develop your own sense of how much is enough (with anything extra just gravy), you’ll feel #blessed while your privileged pals feel they’re barely making minimum wage.

Maybe it’s time to replace that futon, though.

5. “Holy Sh*t, Only I Can Make Me Happy”

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A hookup won’t solve all your problems. A girlfriend won’t solve ‘em (that’s not her job), and neither will a TV show, try as it might. You first need to figure out who the hell you are, what you want out of life and your plan of attack to make it happen; no other person can define it for you. That means blazing your own damn path and measuring yourself by your own yardstick, not anybody else’s.

You do you. Because the true essence of Guy Code is living by your code.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

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Marty Beckerman (@martybeckerman) is signing off as associate editor of Guy Code Blog. This gig made him happy.
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7 Video Games To Keep You Inside This Summer http://guycodeblog.mtv.com/2014/07/03/summer-2014-video-games/ http://guycodeblog.mtv.com/2014/07/03/summer-2014-video-games/#comments Thu, 03 Jul 2014 16:30:06 +0000 http://guycodeblog.mtv.com/?p=145042 Summertime is all about being outdoors, soaking up the sun and hanging out with your buddies. But when the heat and humidity have you retreating back into the A/C, it’s the perfect excuse to relax with a stack of the latest and greatest video games to hit the shelves. Enjoy some of that well-deserved free time from school by leveling up and embracing the great indoors this summer.

1. “MLB 14: The Show”

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Sure, you can go outside and play the actual game of baseball, but why would you when Sony has created the most realistic baseball gameplay ever? “MLB 14: The Show” makes it easier to play your America’s pastime without leaving your couch and breaking a sweat.

2. “Wolfenstein: The New Order”

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Dim the lights and drop in one of the best FPS games ever created. The latest version of “Wolfenstein” adds insane graphics, tons of narrative play and enough combat to take the daylight hours away quickly.

3. “Mario Kart 8″

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Nintendo has done it again with “Mario Kart 8.” Dust off your old plastic steering wheel controller and get ready for the best version to date. Great track designs, bumper crazy U-turns and hours of defying gravity with all your old friends.

4. “Watch Dogs”

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This summer release has been keeping us inside for hours on end. In “Watch Dogs,” you assume the role of hacker vigilante Aiden Pearce, who uses his craft to right the wrongs dealt to him. The open play and great map of Chicago will have you hooked, even if you’re thinking about changing all your passwords the whole time.

5. “Ultra Street Fighter IV”

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The sequel to the king of all fighting titles, “Ultra Street Fighter IV” will have you bringing the pain without breaking a sweat. The latest version can be had for a $15 upgrade to anyone who owns the previous version; there’s nothing like getting a bargain and giving an ass-whooping.

6. “Destiny”

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Destiny” is almost guaranteed to keep you home until the first day back to school. Thanks to the creators of “Halo” and publisher of “Call of Duty,” expect a slowdown in your neighborhood cable connection at launch and for a few weeks after.

7. “FIFA 14″

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With World Cup fever sweeping the globe (even if Team USA unfortunately didn’t make it to the quarterfinals), EA Sports’ “FIFA 14” — with its improvements in gameplay, controls and realistic players — will allow you to get into the game without actually lifting a leg…except maybe to get a drink.

Photo Credits: EA Sports, Ubisoft, Bungie, Capcom, Bethesda, Nintendo, SCEA

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Craig Goldstein (@techmywifeplz) will be unavailable this holiday weekend to catch up on some “work” items.
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5 Ways To Get Over Your Ex http://guycodeblog.mtv.com/2014/07/03/get-over-ex/ http://guycodeblog.mtv.com/2014/07/03/get-over-ex/#comments Thu, 03 Jul 2014 16:00:15 +0000 http://guycodeblog.mtv.com/?p=145016 474121761 400x600

An ex can unintentionally ruin your favorite song or TV show by association; every time it comes on the radio or cable guide, you’re reminded how much of your life you shared with this person. And even if you’re sitting around in total silence, an ex can pop into your head at the most random moment. An ex is just a big bag of sadness, fondness, nostalgia, dread, heartache and confusion, and carrying around that bag can be a heavy burden. How the hell do we move on?

Maybe we never fully “get over” our exes, or maybe we get to a point where we no longer understand how we ever dated that person in the first place. Either way, you can get back in the dating game and do it all over again, so here are ways to move forward instead of looking backward. Stay up, playa!

1. Get Your Ass To The Gym

Not to start on a superficial note, but nothing will make you feel better and more in charge of your life than getting back into shape when you’ve been crying into a box of pizza most nights. When you exercise and eat healthily, it will make your brain and heart feel way better.

Lose that relationship weight, go for long runs outside to get that sun-crisp tan, maybe pay your barber a visit for a cut and a shave. You’ll feel better when you look better. Plus, the reaction on your ex’s face next time you see her will be priceless.

2. Delete Delete Delete

I could tell you to do it quickly, like ripping off a Band-Aid, but sometimes you need time to face that painful sh*t. We all know that deleting someone from your life is crucial when the relationship is over, and far easier said than done. This doesn’t have be done in a hateful way, but it’s today’s version of throwing all your relationship memorabilia in a trashcan and lighting it up in flames.

Delete her number. Zap her texts. Unfriend and unfollow on social media, or at least hide/mute her posts. This sounds petty, but it’s just a necessity in helping you move on, so you don’t spend that first month constantly over-analyzing every photo and post she puts up, which is pure torture. Maybe you can add her again someday, but in the beginning, it’s a must-do.

3. Do The Stuff She Wouldn’t Let You Do

Instead of sitting around, thinking about the good times and bad times and clutching your pillow like it’s her (sorry, might have just revealed a little too much about my past experience, but that pillow saved me!), think of all the things you could have been doing the whole time instead because she didn’t approve or like it, or it took time away from her. So start drinking all day every day! (JK don’t do that!)

But do pick back up hobbies and interests that were more prevalent in your life before you got in full-on boyfriend mode. Alone time is a good thing, and now you have an infinite amount. Thrive in it. Don’t wallow.

4. Make A List Of All Your Ex’s Bad Qualities

After a breakup sinks in, an overwhelming wave will hit you that’s filled with all the beautiful and amazing things about your ex. The way she laughs, how she gets into bed each night, the way she holds chopsticks…STOP!

You can remember her good qualities down the road; for now it’s time to focus on why she was all wrong for you. Write down all the things she did that drove you crazy or hurt you, then read that list whenever she pops into your head and it gets overwhelming. Eventually you’ll realize the good didn’t weigh out the bad, even if there was a lot of good. Then, years later, you can be like, “Well, she was OK, but can you believe she didn’t know how to use chopsticks correctly?”

5. Guys Night Erry Night

FREEEEEDOM! Now you have it, so take advantage of it. Make up for all the time you lost with your boys. Hang out with your friends as much as possible instead of sitting at home talking to your bobblehead collection. They will lift you up when you’re down, and then you can gradually get back to being on the scene. In the meantime, you’ll realize you don’t need to jump right into another relationship; you just need to play “Madden 15″ with your buds for awhile.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

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David Dean (@serial_optimist) is a contributing writer for Guy Code Blog
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10 Hungover Promises You’ll Break http://guycodeblog.mtv.com/2014/07/03/broken-hangover-promises/ http://guycodeblog.mtv.com/2014/07/03/broken-hangover-promises/#comments Thu, 03 Jul 2014 15:30:43 +0000 http://guycodeblog.mtv.com/?p=144972

It’s Sunday morning, and you’re pretty sure your life has never been worse. Your head feels like it’s gonna explode (just like the contents of your stomach already did), and you know you’re gonna have to make a bunch of apologies for stuff you don’t even remember. How do you fix all these problems? By making a bunch of promises to yourself, all of which you’ll probably break by lunchtime.

Mornings are all about making these hungover promises, and nights are all about breaking them. Here’s a refresher course on your failures of self-control:

1. “I’m finally going to the gym…right after I eat this whole pizza.”

2. “I’ll never mix beer and _______ again.”

3. “It’s time I tell my dad I love him.”

4. “I’m only puking in my own toilet from now on.”

5. “I’m gonna really try to win my ex back, but first I’m gonna apologize for that booty text.”

6. “I’m joining a religion that won’t let me do this to myself.”

7. “My mouth is now a Jäger-free zone.”

8. “Today, I start my novel.”

9. “I’ll get my job back somehow.”

10. “This is my last hangover ever.”

Photo Credit: Getty Images

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Zachary Sims (@zacharysims) is a comedian and writer in Los Angeles.
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Pros & Cons Of Wearing A Suit For No Reason On A Bar Crawl http://guycodeblog.mtv.com/2014/07/03/the-pros-and-cons-of-wearing-for-no-reason/ http://guycodeblog.mtv.com/2014/07/03/the-pros-and-cons-of-wearing-for-no-reason/#comments Thu, 03 Jul 2014 15:00:28 +0000 http://guycodeblog.mtv.com/?p=144742 suit-experiment
My suit experiment begins…

It was a staple of old-timey fashion: the suit. Ever see a black-and-white photo (that’s not from an Instagram filter)? Suits as far as the eye can see. Even as recently as your father’s generation, wearing a suit to work was far more common than it is today.

Nowadays suits rarely come out of the closet, unless you have a high-profile Wall Street job, are going to a funeral or are in a Ciroc commercial with Diddy. Hell, I don’t even wear a full suit to weddings. My friends’ fiances already hate me, so why try to impress them?

But the suit hasn’t done anything wrong. Just because the world has gone casual doesn’t mean the suit isn’t still the clothing of choice if you want to look your best.

So I began to wonder: What is the power of the suit?

This past Saturday, I decided to wear a suit out on an all-day bar crawl, just to see what sort of reaction my fashion pick would receive. Based on that experience, here are the pros and cons of wearing your suit and tie sh*t for no real reason whatsoever.

Con #1: Suits Are a Pain

As I ran out the door 20 minutes late, I quickly remembered why suits suck. Throwing on jeans and a polo is a lot simpler than coordinating an outfit with a tie and then half-Windsoring that bitch. Plus, not every day is suit weather. Exhibit A: pretty much every day between June and August. (Slight pro: It is really hard to sweat through a suit.)

Con #2: You Will Stand Out

I’ll admit it: Walking out of my apartment at 2p on a random Saturday in a suit felt weird. I started wishing I had began my drinking at home to curb my self-consciousness. I also became hyperaware of everyone else’s fashion choices. Comfortingly, I noticed a guy in a full suit and tie at my subway stop within minutes of beginning my journey. It is also the last full suit and tie I saw throughout my 12 hour day. The casual suit really is out of fashion.

Pro #1: You Will Stand Out

That said, standing out can a good thing. Much has been made of the concept of “peacocking,” or dressing to get attention. If you’re trying to look classy, why not? At the very least, having a suit on is a conversation starter. Though that leads to…

Con #3: People Will Ask You Why You’re Wearing A Suit

The number one conversation people started with me was, “Why are you wearing a suit?” Most assumed I was coming from a wedding. I jokingly told a few people my grandmother had died. (Sorry, Grandmas! Both of you!) But not wanting to fully shed light on my experiment, I told most people, “I just want to look my best.”

Pro #2: People Do Like A Man In A Suit

Even after knowing I was wearing a suit for no reason — in fact, especially after knowing I was wearing a suit for no reason — most people were totally on board. My friend Andrew respectfully responded, “Not bad!” A stranger named Jeff reacted by earnestly saying, “You look sharp.” One bartender, noticing how I stood out from the crowd, stated, “I like how you’re rockin’ that suit.” Respect.

Pro #3: People Respect a Man In A Suit

And that’s the thing: people respect the suit. As fellow Guy Code blogger Ethan Fixell pointed out as we slugged down a drink, “No one’s going to think you’re a bum.” (Little do they know!) Maybe it’s just the added confidence a suit brings, but I felt like I got better service from bartenders. People seemed more willing to engage in conversation with me. People even thought I was better educated than I am. One woman seemed genuinely surprised that I didn’t have a background in international law after one chat. Silly her. I’m an idiot!

Conclusion

When I left my house, I couldn’t have been less comfortable unless I was naked. Wearing a suit made me feel self-conscious and completely out of my element. But by the time I said so long to my friends (and some strangers) at 3a, the suit had become a part of me. In fact, I am positive I couldn’t have had a better night without it. It spawned a lot of great conversations, very few of which were entirely wardrobe-related, and, though I am married (yeah, I suck), I’m pretty sure my suit served as a decent wingman for a few of my buddies. (“Who’s the awesome suit guy,” I’m assuming the ladies kept asking.)

Granted, my 12 hours of “social lubrication” didn’t hurt my suit experiment, but I certainly have pulled an overtime shift of drinking in the past and not left feeling this good about my evening.

All in all, I think the old adage is true that whatever you feel comfortable wearing is going to make you feel the best about yourself. That said, the suit doesn’t deserve its reputation as the stuffy old man of the social scene.

I won’t be rushing to wear one this coming Saturday (I’m a dude, not an attention whore), I certainly don’t think there is anything wrong with occasionally looking your sharpest. And no one I met this past Saturday seemed to disagree with me. Maybe all those old-timey people weren’t as dumb as we think they are. Despite the fact that most of them are dead.

Oh, and I finally got to use the hook on the back of the bathroom door if that tips the scales for anyone.

Photo Credit: Ethan Fixell

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Mike Pomranz (@pomranz) is a comedian who pathetically only owns one suit.
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A Girl Responds To Missed Connections Ads That Aren’t For Her, Still Gets Hit On http://guycodeblog.mtv.com/2014/07/03/a-girl-responds-to-missed-connections-ads-that-arent-for-her-still-gets-hit-on/ http://guycodeblog.mtv.com/2014/07/03/a-girl-responds-to-missed-connections-ads-that-arent-for-her-still-gets-hit-on/#comments Thu, 03 Jul 2014 14:29:14 +0000 http://guycodeblog.mtv.com/?p=144880 guy on computer and phones

Since 1996 Craigslist has been a place for people to advertise their sexual preferences and used furniture on the Internet. I have always been drawn to, yet confused by the Missed Connections section. When confidence is a quality often rewarded romantically, why would anyone post one?

Identifying myself as a writer, I contacted Missed Connections asking just that. Guys were surprisingly welcoming to a girl who wasn’t even the subject of their ad and gave me a lot of information.

craigslist screenshot

“It was nothing fancy, dramatic, romantic. I was just annoyed with myself/with the app’s unforgiving User Interface. And no, I haven’t heard back,” the author responded via email. It’s hard to find your dream woman without knowing if she swiped right or left, but I applaud this guy for trying.

craigslist screenshot

Other guys failed to post any details about themselves, as if the girl they saw did not necessarily see them. After asking this particular poster, he confused me by replying with “shyness is a Hugh flaw.” It’s either an autocorrect or British thing.

craigslist screenshot

“Honestly she’s not really my type. Only reason I noticed her is because how heavily she eyes me from across gym. But after a while she grew on me. Maybe she just wants to see if she can get my attention to boost her self-esteem,” he answered when asked why he didn’t approach this girl at the gym. Quickly shifting into a more flirtatious tone, he then asked, “U got a pic?”

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The fact that he was driving didn’t stop him from casting the widest net ever.

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The flirtation continued with one last, racy Missed Connection.

craigslist screenshot

I responded to this little piece of amateur erotica the most honest way I could, simply writing “YIKES.” It turned out this post was about a married woman he was crushing on, and posted this to get it out of his system. He steered the conversation away from her, and towards happy emoticons.

craigslist screenshot

I felt like Cinderella in a weird world of dudes looking for any girl missing a shoe. These weren’t just some just shy guys who were scared to talk to girls. Rather, the Missed Connections were simply from people willing to connect with anyone. That is creepy, even for Craigslist.

Photo credit: Getty Images

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Lauren Vino (@LaurenVino) is a comedian, writer and girl in NYC.
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5 Ways To Ruin Your Summer http://guycodeblog.mtv.com/2014/07/03/ruin-your-summer/ http://guycodeblog.mtv.com/2014/07/03/ruin-your-summer/#comments Thu, 03 Jul 2014 14:00:18 +0000 http://guycodeblog.mtv.com/?p=144976

Summer might be our planet’s funnest season, but it’s surprisingly easy to mess up. One second you realize the weather’s just starting to warm up, the next you realize summer’s over and you’ve totally dropped the (beach) ball. Don’t let these mistakes get in the way of your good times while the sun’s still shining…

1. Scheduling Too Much Crap

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For some of us, we can’t have a good time unless it’s tightly regimented for every second. Except the whole point of summer is letting the fun happen. You might assume packing in a bunch of activities would make summer seem to last longer, but that’s only true if you feel like you’ve (blissfully) got too much time on your hands. Don’t go crazy with the overplanning. Allow yourself to have real fun…the kinda fun that doesn’t come with a Groupon expiration date.

2. Mishandling Your Fling

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It’s summer, so you and every other human are super horny. But the humidity can go to your brain, and you’re liable to say things like, “I want to keep my options open — we’re only together until the fall, right?” or “Why don’t I apply to your college so this ‘fling’ lasts forever?” Either way, don’t over-analyze what this relationship is or how long it’s got, just enjoy it while it’s happening. You’re too dehydrated to be crying right now.

3. Turning Down BBQ Invites

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There’s a reason why all everybody does in the summer is go to barbecues and pool parties: They’re awesome. Say “yes” to as many invitations as you can — bring your own soy dogs and veggie burgers, if you must — because there’s nothing lamer than…

4. Staying Put

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OK, let’s say you live in an awful town. Maybe the schools are good, but the weather never feels like summer and there isn’t a beach in sight. It’s time to get your crew into that van that always breaks down and venture off to greener, or sandier, pastures. A summer without a road trip is a summer that never happened.

5. A Full-Time Job

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Summer jobs might be the gateway to affording beer and low-grade pizza, but they’re no way for a man to spend his prime. OK, put in enough part-time hours to earn some extra cash, but make sure this is the summer when you did that thing you can never mention to anyone ever again, not the summer when you made a few grand working at the car wash.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

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Zachary Sims (@zacharysims) is a comedian and writer in Los Angeles.
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Funny Firework Fail GIFs For Fourth Of July http://guycodeblog.mtv.com/2014/07/02/funny-firework-fail-gifs/ http://guycodeblog.mtv.com/2014/07/02/funny-firework-fail-gifs/#comments Wed, 02 Jul 2014 20:00:58 +0000 http://guycodeblog.mtv.com/?p=144890

The Fourth of July is a time to celebrate our independence, to scream “F- yeah, ‘Merica!” and to play with (illegal) fireworks. As beautiful colors explode across the sky of our great nation, we will join hands in celebration of freedom and pride. Just kidding, I know we all just wanna see our idiot-friends shoot fireworks out of their asses.

Laugh at the 10 GIFs of firework fails below, then Google “common sense” and “firework safety tips” to make sure you have a safe and happy holiday, and never end up like these singed fools. F– yeah, ‘Merica!

We expect better from you, Captain America!

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This guy seems fun

firework fail

Run!

firework fail

This firework is a total showoff

firework fail

This firework is a total dick

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It’s cool…it’s cool…Sh*t!

firework fail

Wins ‘Had It Coming Award’

firework fail

This is a safe distance, right…ahhh!

firework fail

Perfect head-shot!

firework fail

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David Dean (@serial_optimist) is a contributing writer for Guy Code Blog
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5 Classic Albums To Intensify Your Summer Workout http://guycodeblog.mtv.com/2014/07/02/summer-workout-albums/ http://guycodeblog.mtv.com/2014/07/02/summer-workout-albums/#comments Wed, 02 Jul 2014 19:00:16 +0000 http://guycodeblog.mtv.com/?p=144913

If you want huge, ripped pecs this summer, you need to listen to music that rips hugely. A lot of guys have unsuccessful workouts because they do their push-ups to the “Gladiator” soundtrack and expect to magically transform into Russell Crowe. It doesn’t matter how inspirational the movie is; you’ll never get shredded without quality sonic stimulation. So, if you’re embarking on a muscle quest and need musical accompaniment, give these five classic albums a try.

1. Rage Against The Machine - Self-Titled

Rage-Against-the-Machine-S-T

There’s nothing like some Rage to help you expand your rock-hard man-boobs. Just ask Congressman Paul Ryan. Even though guitarist Tom Morello wrote a Rolling Stone article titled, “Paul Ryan Is the Embodiment of the Machine Our Music Rages Against,” Ryan was able to get amazing workout results while listening to his favorite band. So amazing, in fact, that “Paul Ryan shirtless” has been Googled more than his controversial budget proposal.

2. 50 Cent – “Get Rich Or Die Tryin’”

Get_Rich_Or_Die_Tryin'

Did you know that 50 Cent wrote a fitness book called “Formula 50,” which promises a 50% improvement in your body in six weeks? It’s true. Did you ever notice that he has the physique of an action figure? He does. Did you know that it’s your birthday, and there’s a party in da club? Good, then play a few tracks from this album, bang out a few hundred crunches, and impress the ladies like the P.I.M.P. that you are.

3. Pantera – “Vulgar Display Of Power”*

(*or any metal album that has cover art of someone getting punched in the face)

Vulgar Display

We certainly don’t condone violence, but if you listen to Pantera during your workout, their sheer intensity will make you grimace like a guy getting cold-cocked in a mosh pit. We highly recommend attempting your bench press max while blasting “A New Level,” the album’s second track, which should result in something akin to the weightlifting scene in “Unbreakable.” Here’s another single, “Walk,” because brisk walking is decent cardio:

4. Judas Priest – “Painkiller”

Painkiller

This album’s cover depicts a winged quasi-Robocop riding a dragon motorcycle with saw blade wheels over a fiery pit of lava. It’s the perfect Judas Priest record to play if you’re performing a barrel roll in an F-16. It also works for pull-ups. All of the tracks on “Painkiller” are just as fierce as the cover art, so it can enhance any athletic performance, even one that includes bending I-beams with your bare hands, or throwing cattle into an active volcano.

5. Marky Mark And The Funky Bunch – “Music For The People”

Music-For-The-People-by-Marky-Mark-and-the-Funky-Bunch_bRmX4xwhPwUx_full

This probably isn’t Mark Wahlberg‘s favorite life achievement, but the hit song, “Good Vibrations,” will forever serve as inspiration for all men as we get ripped and huge. If you look closely at the music video, you’ll notice that it illustrates the four steps of a successful workout: 1. Wear a chain; 2. Make out with a model in your bed, which is located inside an abandoned factory; 3. Lift weights with a cinder block barbell, and then smash it on the floor; 4. Backflip into a puddle.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

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Will Garré (@wgarre) is a comedian and writer in New York City.
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