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Today's Dumbass: Drunk Guy Leaves Baby Son At Strip Club

Posted 1/2/13 11:00 am EST by in Today's Dumbass


Photo via Daily Mail

Babysitters have gotten so expensive that strippers are cheaper by the hour. At least that seems to be the reasoning of Kenneth Rowe, Jr., whom police arrested on New Year's Eve for abandoning his two-month-old kid at Shark Lounge Liquor Store & Strip Club in Daytona Beach, Florida. Not exactly a daycare center.

Rowe allegedly told a Shark Lounge employee that he was going outside to smoke a cigarette, and left his infant son in the erotic establishment's custody. Fifteen minutes later, Shark Lounge's owner--who either has a surprising amount of responsible family values, or just didn't want to look after a damn baby--called 911 and organized a search party.

They found Rowe, who demanded his baby back. He then bolted, "staggering in and out of traffic," according to CNN, and then allegedly hid in some bushes until cops heard the baby's crying.

The kid is now with its mother, who probably won't take it anywhere near a lap dance. Rowe is facing child neglect charges, although--in his defense--Shark Lounge special guest Ron Jeremy is basically the poor man's SpongeBob SquarePants.

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Marty Beckerman (@martybeckerman) is the Associate Editor of Guy Code Blog

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Today's Dumbass: Man Robs Bank To Fund Going-To-Jail Party

Posted 12/31/12 11:00 am EST by in Today's Dumbass


Photo: Cook County Sheriff

Back in 2007, an Illinois guy named Mickey Loniello Jr. got caught with drugs, and then got sentenced to hard time. So the down-on-his-luck heroin addict did what anyone would: plan a bank robbery to pay for his epic goodbye party.

He approached two other lowlifes to help with the scheme, which involved stealing a getaway car and then holding up a Chase branch. Unfortunately for Loniello, one of his co-conspirators--who gave him a handgun that didn't work--was working undercover for the FBI. On the day of the heist, federal agents intervened and put him back in handcuffs.

Loniello took a plea deal, and will now serve 19 months in the slammer. We might never know exactly what he had planned for his going-to-jail fiesta, but he told the judge, "I was not in the right state of mind," so it probably would've been awesome.

Maybe he can throw a party when he's released... and maybe he can just charge a cover?

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Today's Dumbass: Guy Allegedly Brings 32 Bags Of Weed To Court

Posted 12/28/12 12:00 pm EST by in News, Today's Dumbass


Credit: Getty Images

Here's the thing about courthouses: laws are enforced there.

New Jersey resident Marquis Diggs, 29, probably should've considered this when he showed up to family court (where his mom was dropping a restraining order) with 32 bags of marijuana in his jacket, according to police.

Guards arrested him on sight for a bunch of outstanding warrants, and a search allegedly revealed the contraband. It gets even worse for Diggs: because he was within 1,000 feet of a school, he's looking at three extra years in jail. And the huge quantity of pot--dozens of bags instead of, like, one--gets him "intent to distribute" on top of mere possession.

It appears from Mugshots.com that Diggs was also charged with distributing a controlled substance on school property back in 2006. If he's prone to repeating his mistakes, let's hope for his sake that he empties his pockets before the next court appointment.

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Today's Dumbass: Man Arrested For DUI On AA Founder's Lawn

Posted 12/27/12 12:00 pm EST by in Today's Dumbass


Credit: WilsonHouse.org

In the pantheon of drunk drivers (otherwise known as "prison"), this guy might possess the greatest sense of irony--if he has any sense at all.

Vermont police say that 55-year-old Donald Blood III enjoyed too much of the Christmas spirit on December 24, and mistook a house's front yard for a parking lot. Happens every day... except this house once belonged to the co-founder of Alcoholics Anonymous.

The Wilson House was the birthplace of Bill Wilson ("Bill W." in AA parlance), who helped create the 12-step program in 1938 after battling his own addiction. It's still used for regular AA meetings, and is listed on the National Register of Historic Places.

According to its website:

"The Wilson House ... is being maintained as a living memorial to Bill W., as a place of sanctuary where people can come to give thanks to God for their new lives. ... The peaceful, quiet spirit of The Wilson House is conducive to prayer, meditation, reading or just 'being.' In the spring, summer and fall months – sitting on Bill's front porch is a real treat."

And in the winter months, it's a real terror. We need a drink just thinking about it.

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Today's Dumbass: Serial Farter Reprimanded By U.S. Government

Posted 12/26/12 4:00 pm EST by in Today's Dumbass


Photo via The Smoking Gun

A Social Security Administration employee--pictured above with his wife, possibly making Pepe Le Pew hold a deep breath--received a formal reprimand earlier this month, according to the Smoking Gun. Not for dishonesty or malfeasance in the workplace, but for "releasing [an] awful and unpleasant odor." Yeah, he could get fired for farting too much.

In an official U.S. government document, the 38-year-old SSA worker is accused of "uncontrollable flatulence," thereby creating an "intolerable" stench for his coworkers. Over the course of seven months, supervisors had instructed him to see a doctor and/or "make it to the restroom before releasing the awful and unpleasant odor."

The poor bastard, who says he's lactose intolerant, offered to turn on a fan, but his manager responded, "[T]urning on the fan would cause the smell to spread and worsen the air quality in the module." She concluded, "It is my belief that you can control this condition."

Attached to the reprimand: a log of his emissions, including 60 offenses on 17 dates. (So that's what they're doing with our tax dollars.) A union disability lawyer is advising the olfactory offender on how to proceed. If you ask us, this whole case stinks.

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Today's Dumbass: Man Shoots Fellow Diner For Complaining About Pizza Delay

Posted 12/21/12 11:00 am EST by in Today's Dumbass


Photo via Raw Story

Americans seem to be developing some kind of violent pathology with restaurant wait times. Yesterday we told you about a guy who allegedly burned a Denny's Christmas tree, causing $150,000 in damage, because his check took "several minutes" to arrive. And now, police say a Florida man has shot another for bellyaching about how long it takes to cook a pizza.

A Little Ceaser's thin-crust veggie pie is supposed to be on your plate within 10 minutes, but 49-year-old Randall White had waited double that. So he complained to the staff. A fellow customer, 52-year-old Michael Jock, told him to shut up. An argument with shoving ensued. That's when Jock--who clearly values patience--withdrew a .38 Taurus Ultralight Special Revolver and (non-fatally) shot White in the torso. Twice.

Jock, who had a permit for the gun, told police that he was defending himself under Florida's controversial "stand your ground" law, but they arrested him anyway because "it did not reach a level where deadly force was required," a spokesman said.

White is recovering, although a bullet fragment remains lodged in his back. Jock posted his $20,000 bond, so--if your next pizza order is running a little late--just let it slide.

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Today's Dumbass: Tired Of Long Wait, Man Burns Denny's Christmas Tree

Posted 12/20/12 10:00 am EST by in Today's Dumbass


Credit: Getty Images

If a waiter or waitress takes too long to bring a check, most of us express our displeasure by tipping under 15%. (Or not tipping at all, if we're especially vindictive.) But a San Antonio man was so pissed at a local Denny's for making him sit around for "several minutes" after finishing his meal, he allegedly set fire to a Christmas tree inside the restaurant.

Nobody was hurt in the yuletide inferno, which caused $150,000 in damage. Police haven't been able to ID the tough-customer pyromaniac yet, although they're hoping surveillance footage helps bring him in for arson charges. (They're also hoping "Gandalf's Gobble Melt" on Denny's new "Hobbit" menu is worth the slow service.)

If authorities do manage to catch this guy, at least he'll never have to wait for a check in the prison cafeteria. Good luck burning that down.

[Via GuySpeed]

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Today's Dumbass: Angry Jets Fan Threatens Mark Sanchez's Life On Twitter

Posted 12/19/12 11:00 am EST by in Sports, Today's Dumbass


Credit: Andy Lyons/Getty Images

Yesterday we showed you videos of disgruntled Jets fans burning players' jerseys in protest after a playoff-disqualifying loss to the Titans. We thought they were maybe, just maybe, a little too intense. But they seem calm and reasonable compared to 25-year-old Bravee Grandcu, who repeatedly threatened to kill Mark Sanchez in 140 characters or less.

Using the (now deleted) Twitter handle @BraveGrancu, this overenthusiastic young man--who lost $700 betting against Tennessee--sent tweets to Sanchez such as:

 "KILL YO SELF TONIGHT! OR IMMA DO IT FOR YOU WEDNESDAY AT PRACTICE"

"DON'T COME TO PRACTICE WEDNESDAY I PROMISE YOU BULLETS EVERYWHERE"

"TAKE A GOOD LOOK AT YOUR KILLER!!"

(That last one included a photo of himself wearing a Jets hat. Shudder.)

Read More...

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Today's Dumbass: Man Steals Hundreds Of Beers From Wal-Mart Two Days In A Row

Posted 12/18/12 11:00 am EST by in Today's Dumbass


Credit: Bloomberg/Getty Images

If you get away with Grand Theft Alcohol once, you shouldn't test your luck again. Last week, Michigan police arrested a kleptomaniac-oholic for allegedly stealing 19 cases (456 cans) of Bud and Bud Light from a local Wal-Mart... a day after he stole seven other cases.

You'd think that would be conspicuous, walking out of a superstore with a year's worth of beer in broad daylight. (The follow-up theft occurred at 4 p.m.) Indeed, Wal-Mart's security team recognized this master criminal from his raid less than 24 hours prior and called 911.

Instead of paying $400 for the merchandise--not a bad deal for 624 brews--he's probably going to pay with years of jail time. The 42-year-old dude's on parole, and cops reportedly found drug paraphernalia on him. For his sake, let's just hope he doesn't try to steal this much prison hooch from the other inmates.

[Via Guyism]

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Today's Dumbass: Man Forced To Pay $28,000 Strip Club Tab

Posted 12/14/12 12:00 pm EST by in News, Today's Dumbass


Credit: Chris Hondros/Getty Images

We've all had nights that wound up costing more than we realized at the time. Cover fees, drinks, buffalo wings and mozzarella sticks (even though we just had dinner an hour ago), a taxi to take our financially irresponsible asses home... hey, expenses add up fast. For one New York gentleman, a night of fun will cost months' worth of economic pain.

Last year, William Ilg paid a visit to Larry Flynt's Hustler Club, a "10,000 square-foot playground of decadent adult entertainment." Emphasis on paid: he somehow racked up a $28,109.60 credit card bill. (And you thought you overdid it last weekend...) When Ilg woke up and discovered how much he owed, he did what any American would: sued the club for getting him so drunk that he was "no longer capable of conducting financial transactions."

However, a judge has ruled that the club is not required "to protect plaintiff from the results of his (voluntary) intoxication." Gonna be a real awkward conversation with his loan officer.

A former manager for the Penthouse Executive Club told HuffPo, "If this guy came in and had a private room with a few private entertainers, it would be very easy to run up a bar tab like that" at a thousand bucks per hour and another thousand per bottle of champagne.

We here at Guy Code respect the judge's decision. Sure, these prices are exorbitant--even unconscionable--but nobody forced Ilg to enjoy a bunch of lap dances from beautiful women. If you don't want to live with the consequences of your drunken actions, then don't drink. Harsh? Maybe... but that's the naked truth.

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