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Today's Dumbass: Student Kicked Out For Essay On Hot Teacher

Posted 3/18/13 4:00 pm EST by in Today's Dumbass

hot teacher
Credit: Valentin Casarsa

Joseph Corlett dreamed of graduating from Oakland University with a degree in writing. Unfortunately, the 57-year-old's literary work got him suspended. Specifically, an essay titled "Hot for Teacher," about how badly he wanted to bang his professor:

"There is no way I'll concentrate in class especially with that sexy little mole on her upper lip beckoning with every accented word. And that smile.

"I've had a few worries lately, the first that Lynn Anne, my wife, would read this. But now I don't care. I suppose my fear is a good sign that I'm writing honestly.

"She walks in, and I say to myself, ‘Drop, mother (expletive), drop.' Christ, I'll never learn a thing. Tall, blond, stacked, skirt, heels, fingernails, smart, articulate, smile. I'm toast, but I stay."

Now, of course, Corlett is suing for violation of his First Amendment rights, because 'Murica. Click below for all the sultry details on this class assignment gone awry.

MORE: "College Student’s Final Essay Detailing Teacher’s Hotness Gets Him Kicked Out of School; He’s Suing"

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Today's Dumbasses: Couple Ate Razors To Extort Grocery Store

Posted 3/14/13 2:00 pm EST by in Today's Dumbass

donut razor couple
Photo: Draper Police Dept.

Mmm, donuts...mmm, razorblades?

Police in Utah allege that Carole Lee Leazer-Hardman and Michael Condor placed razor fragments in donuts from Smith's Food and Drug store, and swallowed 'em so they could get a cash settlement. X-rays showed the blades in their bellies.

Only problem is, the cops didn't buy their story. "[T]hings weren't adding up," a sergeant told reporters. 'Cause the bakery that supplied Smith's made a ton of donuts, and none of the others had a razor filling. Condor soon confessed to the plot, police said.

In addition to extortion charges, the genius couple will also stand trial for assault due to allegedly giving an extra-crunchy donut to a coworker at the Dollar Tree where they worked. Even Homer Simpson's get-rich-quick schemes are smarter than this.

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Marty Beckerman (@martybeckerman) is the Associate Editor of Guy Code Blog

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Today's Dumbass: Hooters Girl Interferes With Baseball Game

Posted 3/13/13 3:00 pm EST by in Today's Dumbass, Video

Picture 3

Who says spring training is boring? At a recent Rays-Phillies game, a hard grounder went right over third base before going into foul territory. Priscilla Daughtry, the Hooters babe serving as the ballgirl, quickly scooped the fair ball up and handed it to a fan.

Although she received some boos from the crowd, Daughtry also got some praise for her technique when fielding the grounder. The announcer called it a "pretty clean play," and Rays manager Joe Maddon said that "she presented her hands to the ball very well...the overall package was very, um, efficient."

If Hollywood decides to do a remake of "A League Of Their Own," they should definitely get in touch with Daughtry. Here's the video:

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Neal Stastny (@NealStas) is a comedian and writer in New York.

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Today's Dumbass: Basketball Player Wins Game For Wrong Team

Posted 3/11/13 12:00 pm EST by in Sports, Today's Dumbass

scoreboard
Photo via YouTube

With only seconds left on the clock, Oklahoma teenager Trey Johnson wanted to secure a victory for Hugo High School. Sure, they were up one point, but why not widen the margin? Unfortunately, Trey got a little confused and scored a game-winning shot for his opponents from Millwood High School. The final score: 38-37.

Nobody in the crowd understood WTF they'd just witnessed. "After a moment the Millwood players' and fans' blank expressions turned into a celebration," said a local photographer. The Hugo fans groaned with the agony of defeat... self-defeat.

You'd think such a massive error would ruin Trey's NBA prospects, but the resulting publicity got him courtside Oklahoma City Thunder seats, plus one-on-ones with players and owners. A strange networking technique, but effective. Here's the video:

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Marty Beckerman (@martybeckerman) is the Associate Editor of Guy Code Blog

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Today's Dumbass: Coffee Hut Owner Arrested For Nude Baristas

Posted 3/8/13 1:00 pm EST by in Today's Dumbass

bikini hut
Photo via Facebook

"Grab-N-Go Bikini Hut"? More like "Go Directly To Jail."

Police in a Seattle suburb have arrested an espresso chain proprietor for sexual exploitation after undercover cops allegedly caught four of his employees performing strip teases for customers. (As if a mocha doesn't cost enough already...) And it wasn't exactly discreet: "[D]rivers on the road...could also view the shows."

Oh, and one of the baristas wasn't even legal. We'll stick to Starbucks. Click below for the full story.

MORE: "Bikini Coffee Stand Owner Arrested After 16-Year-Old Employee Puts on Sex Show for Undercover Cops"

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Today's Dumbass: Pantsless Woman Flees DUI Scene In Toy Truck

Posted 3/6/13 3:00 pm EST by in News, Today's Dumbass

craft
Photo: Craighead Co. Sherriff's Office

When you break the law, you need a dependable getaway vehicle...one that isn't manufactured by Fisher-Price.

Last weekend, police in Jonesboro, Arkansas arrested 28-year-old Jamie Jeanette Craft for allegedly A) driving while intoxicated and without a license, B) crashing her 2001 Pontiac Grand Am into a family's trailer, C) trying to escape the scene in a child's motorized plastic truck and D) not wearing any pants, because why would she wear pants?

The homeowner reportedly forced Craft out of his son's vehicle. (He didn't have much trouble catching up, since it could only travel five miles per hour.) She yelled at him, "irate and very intoxicated," according to police, who then booked her for a number of progressively more hilarious charges.

Drunk driving is a serious crime, of course, but we just realized that we can finally afford the Hot Wheels that our parents always refused to buy us--and the beer.

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Today's Dumbass: 'Fresh Prince' Ringtone Causes School Lockdown

Posted 3/4/13 1:00 pm EST by in Today's Dumbass, TV

US actor Will Smith acknowledges the cro
Credit: Max Nash/Getty Images

The receptionist at a Pennsylvania doctor's office thought 19-year-old patient Travis Clawson was up to no good, making trouble in the neighborhood.

She had called to confirm an appointment and got the teenager's voicemail message, a recording of the "Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air" theme song. Unfortunately she misheard the lyric "shooting some b-ball outside of the school" as "people outside of the school," and called 911. Police apprehended Clawson and locked down a local high school. (After a short time in police custody, Clawson was released.)

Did the receptionist also ask the mom to be arrested as an accomplice? After all, she tried to send her son to Bel-Air. The auntie and uncle should probably be arrested as well for harboring the suspect. Talk about a diabolical family.

We do hope the receptionist sits down and watches the show. It's a classic.

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Neal Stastny (@NealStas) is a comedian and writer in New York.

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Today's Dumbass: One Direction Fan Nails Harry Styles In Nuts

Posted 2/27/13 5:14 pm EST by in Funny, News, Today's Dumbass


On one hand, it's funny to watch Harry Styles take a shoe to the crotch. Not because he's in One Direction, just because nut-shots are funny. On the other hand, what kind of dumbass pays for an expensive concert ticket, inside the range of projectiles making it onstage, and spends all that time in line just to throw a shoe at the object of her affection?

Jade Anderson is her name, according to MTV News, and she's a local East Kilbride teenager. "I just wanted him to touch something belonging to me. I didn't mean to hit him where I hit him. I'm really embarrassed," she told a local radio show, according to The Daily Record.

Ladies, there are much better ways to show you like a guy than chucking your kicks at him. Throw your bra, your underwear, your phone number, hell, even your shirt, pants and wallet, but not shoes. Those hurt.

Security almost escorted out of Ms. Anderson out of the show, as right they should've, but the band stepped in. They let her stay for the remainder of the show, and even gave her shoes back. That's nice of them...kinda weak, but nice.

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Today's Dumbasses: Kansas Bros Win Lottery, Blow Up House

Posted 2/20/13 12:00 pm EST by in News, Today's Dumbass

lottery
Credit: Getty Images

Most of us fantasize about what we'd do if we bought a winning lottery ticket. None of those fantasies include going to the hospital, then going to jail, 'cause we immolated our home during a celebratory meth binge.

But according to Kansas authorities, that's exactly what two brothers did, emptying two large cans of butane lighter fluid near their furnace's pilot light. "As you might expect, ka-boom," said a sergeant with the Wichita Police Department.

One of the bros, a 27-year-old, sustained second-degree burns on his hands, arms and chest. (He wore a lottery t-shirt during the explosion.) Talk about a reversal of fortune on par with Hurley's from "Lost," and dozens of other lives ruined after a major windfall.

The sad part is that $75,000--a nice chunk of cheddar, sure--isn't enough to quit your day job over, let alone ruin your life over. Maybe if the brothers had won the full jackpot, they would've torched the entire block?

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Today's Dumbass: MLB Star Gets DUI While Driving To Buy Lottery Tickets

Posted 2/8/13 4:00 pm EST by in Funny, Sports, Today's Dumbass

Todd Helton DUI Mug Shot
Credit: Thornton Police

Colorado Rockies first baseman Todd Helton's recent arrest for drunk driving gave us one of the greatest celebrity mug shots of all time. And, it turns out the mug shot isn't the most embarrassing part of Todd Helton's DUI.

The worst part of his arrest is why he was driving in the first place. According to Yahoo Sports, Helton, CURRENT PROFESSIONAL ATHLETE, was driving to the gas station near his house to buy lottery tickets! There's no good reason to drive drunk, but at least Charles Barkley was trying to score oral sex when he got his DUI.

Most would argue that by getting paid millions of dollars to play baseball for a living, Helton has already won the lottery. He isn't some scrub either. Baseball Reference.com estimates the All Star's career salary at over $150 million. That kind of money can buy a mansion, a Bentley with chauffeur and an ass load of lottery tickets.

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Sean Green is a standup comedian and podcast host living in Los Angeles

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