Welcome to GUY CODE, the official blog of MTV2's "Guy Code" series and your online destination for all things dude, including—but not limited to—irreverent commentary on sports, hip-hop and ladies. Stay awhile and flex your manhood.
Although breakfast is the most important meal of the day, this guy might stick to cereal if he wants to feel like a champion.
A few weeks ago, Mike Berkemeier, police chief of Laurelville, Ohio, woke up hungry. So he went to the kitchen and ate his daughter's cake. And not just a slice. He told reporters, "I ate it. I ate the whole thing."
Berkemeier felt that the cake wasn't agreeing with him. He showed up for work, but started tweaking out. Other officers soon took him to the hospital. "I felt like I was out of my mind...I thought I was dying," Berkemeier said.
Doctors tried to figure out what was wrong. Eventually, Berkemeier's daughter called with the diagnosis: The cake was baked with a huge amount of cannabis oil.
Two lessons can be learned here: You should eat a healthy breakfast (or at least a donut), not a friggin' cake. Also, if your dad is a policeman--let alone the chief--don't hide your stash in plain sight...especially if it's slathered in chocolate.
Why didn't Hansen stop singing? According to police, it might've been revenge. The couple had been fighting because "Hansen accused Malson of drinking all the alcohol in the house." In fact, cops say, "his face was flushed and it was difficult to tell if the redness was from alcohol intoxication or from Malson grabbing his neck."
Regardless, she's now facing domestic violence and harassment charges. On the bright side, at least this couple finally has a tune they can consider "their song."
The man, who is unmarried (what a catch, ladies!) explained to paramedics, "Please, please help me. The eel is moving through my body." They rushed him to a hospital for surgery, which lasted hours. He survived, barely, albeit not with his dignity intact.
"The eel was simply trying to find its way out," a doctor said.
The most incredible detail? A police spokesman told reporters, "We are aware of what happened and [the] man will be interviewed over alleged animal cruelty."
If there was ever a way to show your wife that you're unhappy with the marriage, this is probably it.
Martin Holmes of Greenwood, South Carolina allegedly visited a prostitute because of troubles at home. Police say that he admitted to paying for her...by pawning his wedding ring. Oh, it gets worse. Much worse. Because he only got $20 for it.
In terms of grand gestures to show a woman how much you value your relationship, this is basically the opposite of surprising her with a diamond necklace. Holmes might think his marriage is only worth $20, but just wait 'til he finds out how much a divorce trial costs.
The Daly River in Australia is so infested with crocodiles that the local government begged trophy hunters to have at them a few years ago. So, when a drunk fisherman's buddies offered him Jack Daniels to cross it nude last weekend, he did the only reasonable thing: Took off his clothes, jumped onto a log and paddled for his life...and for that delicious bourbon.
"I'd enjoyed a few beers and it seemed a good idea at the time," the man told NT (Northern Territory) News. "We weren't catching any fish...so I thought, 'Why not?' But when I woke up the next morning, it didn't seem so clever."
Fortunately, he woke up with all his appendages intact (including the most important appendage of all, which he'd exposed to the vicious aquatic beasts). A friend of the man declared, "It was hilarious," adding, "He got two cases of Jack Daniels for it--and thought that made it all worthwhile." Liquor: Exactly what this idiot needs.
You only live once, but you might repeat junior year. Kyron Birdine, a Texas high school student, wrote "YOLO" on the essay portion of his STAAR test (a state standardized exam) and tweeted the photo. Administrators, who considered it a "breach of security," suspended him for four days.
Although Birdine didn't photograph any questions or answers, it was probably a mistake to tag the local school district and the Texas Education Agency in the tweet. (He resented having to take the STAAR in addition to another exam, the TAKS.) Thing is, states takes these tests incredibly seriously. Too seriously. But if you don't feel like taking it, put the camera down and just fill in letter "A" for every question to get out early.
Whether or not the school overreacted, let's all agree that "YOLO" is friggin'over. The phrase only lived once, and now it's dead...just like your academic career if you tweet it.
It's normal to want revenge after you get dumped, but 61-year-old Kenneth Kurran (a film preservationist at the Library of Congress) allegedly got a little too, uh, creative. Federal authorities have charged him with felony harassment for impersonating his former lover on Craigslist, and directing a bunch of horny guys to her house for "Casual Encounters."
In one such post, Kurran--who faces five years in prison--allegedly claimed to be a "senior lady" looking to "meet a gentleman in his 50s that is Hung and that can give me some pleasuring." He gave a "constant flow" of men her address, according to authorities.
The 64-year-old woman spent countless hours flagging the posts for removal, posted signs uninviting the would-be suitors, installed security cameras and called police "frequently, often several times a day, to chase away the men...enticed by these personal ads."
Here's the thing, guys: The best revenge is living well. If your girlfriend dumps you, just find a hotter one and then rub it in her (less hot) face. On Facebook, not Craigslist.
If you get so blackout drunk that you can't feel your friends drawing a dick on your face with a marker, then it's basically their inalienable right to do so. But when 31-year-old James Watson of Arlington, Virginia woke up at 5:30 a.m. to find a phallic temporary tattoo, he allegedly kicked his roommate's ass hard enough to necessitate an E.R. visit.
The roommate suffered a bloody, swollen eye, and hesitated before pressing charges against Watson--whose mugshot is a work of art, by the way--because they routinely played drunken pranks on each other, according to police. Except, y'know, the reported "malicious assault" kinda crossed the line.
Look, if your buddy draws a penis on your cheek, get him back with Ex-Lax Maximum Strength or Scorpion Pepper chili...it's a prank for a prank, not an eye for a prank!
If you want to convince a woman that you're a hero, join the fire department or adopt an adorable kitten from the pound. Or, uh, ask a friend to mug both of you at knifepoint.
That's the "brilliant" romantic strategy of 26-year-old Jeffery Tyler Siegel, who brought his date to a scenic Arkansas nature preserve. His buddy, wearing all black and wielding a giant blade, jumped them and said, "You can go, but your girlfriend stays." At which point, Siegel was supposed to theatrically kick the friend's ass like Batman.
However, the plan went awry when the girl ran and called the cops. Panicked, Siegel cut himself with the knife and told authorities that he'd fought off the attacker. They searched the area for hours, but began to suspect that his story was bogus.
According to police, Siegel confessed that he "really liked" the girl, and "felt that if he did something like this it would help him with his chances..." Local reporters got in touch with her; she described Siegel (whom she'd never date again) as "not very heroic."
It's normal for dudes to get paranoid from smoking too much weed, but usually they fret about the police, not the Illuminati. However, 27-year-old aspiring rapper Wafeeq Sabir El-Amin of Virginia has been charged with shooting his friend to gain stardom (somehow) from the shadowy secret society.
"You are my sacrifice," El-Amin allegedly told his buddy, who'd fallen asleep in an under-construction music studio, right before attempting to blow his head off.
The friend, who only got hit in the hand, reportedly wrested the gun away and escaped. Authorities found a pound of marijuana and conspiracy theory literature at the scene. The D.A. claims that El-Amin was too stoned to remember the events of the past month.
Probably healthier to just be paranoid about the cops, who...y'know...actually exist.