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Today's Dumbass: Man Pocket-Dials 911 While Plotting Murder

Posted 5/23/13 4:00 pm EST by in Today's Dumbass

mugshot
Credit: Broward Sheriff’s Office

When discussing illegal plans, it's best to follow some basic protocol: Assure no law enforcement officers are nearby, check that the room isn't bugged and see if anyone is wearing a wire. Also, make sure you haven't just butt-dialed 911, thus allowing the police to listen in on your entire conversation.

That's allegedly what happened to Florida man (surprise, surprise!) Scott Simon, who has been charged with first-degree murder after cops said they overheard him plotting to kill someone who later turned up dead.

Look, it's tough out there for would-be murderers -- fingerprint identification, DNA testing, society's general disdain for murder -- and communications technology isn't making things any easier. Police can track your location via your cell. And though our phones are now "smart," they aren't smart enough to let us know when they're landing us in jail.

Your best bet: Just leave the phone at home. Or, better yet, don't murder anyone.

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Mike Pomranz (@pomranz) is a comedian who has never been arrested for murder.

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Today's Dumbass: Girl Tweets About Hit & Run, Cops Tweet Back

Posted 5/21/13 3:00 pm EST by in Today's Dumbass

bicycle hit and run
Credit: Andrew Bret Wallis

Bicyclists can be real pains (even if they are environmentally friendly), slowing down traffic when they aren't hogging sidewalks. However, we can't condone running them over with a car...and we especially can't condone tweeting about such a crime like this British driver apparently did:

hit and run tweet

"Bloody cyclists" might be literal in her case. Fortunately the guy lived without suffering any major injuries, but the road-raging girl might be in for some pain...because local police contacted her using the same 140-character-or-less medium on which she seemingly confessed. Click below for the rest of the story at Dumb As A Blog.

MORE: "Idiot Tweets About Hitting Cyclist With Her Car, Say Cops"

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Today's Dumbass: Man Insults Former World Champion Rocky Lockridge

Posted 5/20/13 4:00 pm EST by in Funny, Today's Dumbass

 

Here's a good rule to live your life by: Never mouth off to a former boxing world champion unless you are also a former boxing world champion.

It's been a while since Rocky Lockridge earned the WBA super featherweight championship by knocking out Roger Mayweather in the first round, but it looks like he hasn't lost his punch. It's hard to hear what's being said in the video; but judging by the unknown man's body language, he decided it was a good idea to insult Lockridge to his face. A decision the dumbass has to regret making.

We don't know why the man started to launch verbal abuse at Lockridge. Maybe he drank too much of whatever was in that 16oz can he was carrying? Whatever the reason, don't pick a fight with a former world champion. Even if he hasn't fought professionally in several years, even if he's been struggling with health problems, you just shouldn't do it.

Unless, of course, you want to get knocked out in about .2 seconds.

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Neal Stastny (@NealStas) is a comedian and writer in New York.

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Today's Dumbass: Pizza Delivery Guy Sold Cocaine With Calzones

Posted 5/17/13 5:00 pm EST by in Food, Today's Dumbass

pizza drugs
Photo: Police Handout

Usually when a pizza place tries to up-sell you on some coke, it comes by the liter and not by the kilo. But the NYPD is accusing 45-year-old Papa John's driver Ramon Rodriguez of delivering drugs in addition to pies.

Allegedly, Rodriguez's run as the Scarface of Sicilian food came to an end when he sold undercover cops $27,500 worth of cocaine hidden inside a box of chicken poppers. According to police, Rodriguez made over 19 such deliveries in uniform, often voicing concern that his drug deals were distracting him from his pizza duties.

Coworkers regarded Rodriguez as a model employee and were shocked to hear the charges...especially that he had $4,500 in cash at home. "He used to hit us for money for food and gas--we were always giving him $20 to $30 at a time," his manager told the New York Daily News, nevertheless adding, "He was the best driver I got."

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Sean Green is a standup comedian and podcast host living in LA.

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Today's Badass: Firemen Save Cat & Cop From Tree

Posted 5/15/13 1:00 pm EST by in Funny, News, Today's Dumbass

IMG_5891

Credit: Curtis Poe/Flickr

When NYPD Officer Dane Natto woke up yesterday morning, he probably didn't think to himself, "Hey, I should become the laughing stock of all cops everywhere today." But just because dude didn't have that goal didn't mean he wouldn't achieve it. The cop and his partner responded to the ol' cat stuck in a tree call in Queens, and Natto tried to climb the tree to rescue the cat himself. The cat got scared and climbed higher.

Cut to 20 minutes later, and Natto's stuck in a tree while his partner's just finished laughing at him long enough to call the fire department. An elementary school's just let out and children are staring at him. The firemen show up and get a good laugh in before they rescue him.

That's right, firemen had to rescue a cop - not from a fire - but from a tree. You'll never hear about a fireman getting stuck in a tree because they're real men. And they're not morons. Being manly isn't about blind bravery, it's about being brave but smart so you can live to be brave another day. It's a myth that a fireman just runs into a burning building to save someone. They think about how to get the people out afterward.

Officer Natto ran up a tree with no idea how to get back down. So yes, he deserved to get laughed at by manlier men.

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Charlie Kasov (@charliekasov) is a comedian and editor of Pride Incredulous.

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Today's Dumbass: Guy Hides In Supermarket, Eats Himself Extra Stupid

Posted 5/15/13 12:30 pm EST by in Food, Today's Dumbass

trevor runyon
Bullitt County Detention Center

The problem with grocery stores, really, is that you can't eat and sleep and defecate on yourself in them. Why not make supermarkets more like nurseries?

Perhaps someday they will be, thanks to 30-year-old Sam Walton-esque visionary Trevor Runyon, whom police accuse of sneaking into a ValuMarket near Louisville, Kentucky around closing time...and then cooking a half-dozen steaks, in addition to devouring 57 cans of whipped cream, plus shrimp and birthday cake. And beer, obviously.

At some point, Runyon allegedly "went to bathroom on himself and got clothes to change into," and then "climbed into the rafters and went to sleep," according to a local NBC affiliate. Firefighters got him down from the ceiling, which must've been tough considering the approximately 5,000 pounds we're guessing he put on overnight.

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Marty Beckerman (@martybeckerman) is the Associate Editor of Guy Code Blog

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Today's Dumbass: Angry At Fence, Man Bulldozes Neighborhood

Posted 5/13/13 12:00 pm EST by in Today's Dumbass

bulldozer
Credit: AFP/Getty Images

Good fences make good neighbors, unless you're neighbors with Barry Swegle of Port Angeles, Washington, who--furious over a fence that blocked his logging equipment--allegedly bulldozed four houses, a truck, a boat and an electrical pole, knocking out power to thousands of people.

Nobody got hurt, although one woman (and her chihuahua) narrowly escaped. A local resident told reporters that the 51-year-old "just went nuts," and Swegle's brother confirmed it: "I knew he was capable of tearing the fence out. Not the homes and the power pole. I didn't think he was that mad."

Police are charging Swegle with first-degree assault and malicious mischief. Here's video of the destruction...to be fair, it is an ugly-ass fence:

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Today's Dumbass: Guy Hides From Cops In His Trunk...Twice

Posted 5/9/13 4:00 pm EST by in Today's Dumbass

maximilianschroeder

Palm Beach County Sheriff's Office

If you get pulled over for speeding, you'll probably try to get out of it with some good old-fashioned lies. "Sorry, officer, I must've missed the speed limit sign...my father was a policeman, by the way, and my love for him extends to all those who wear the badge."

That never works, though, so you might as well keep your dignity and accept the ticket like a man. Not like 28-year-old Maximilian Andrew Schroeder of West Boca, Florida, whom police accuse of playing hide-and-seek after they pulled him over at 3 a.m. for going about 20 mph over in a 35.

When police approached the red Mitsubishi, however, they couldn't find anyone inside. Mystified that "there was no one in the vehicle," they walked around it...at which point Schroeder allegedly jumped out of the trunk and drove away with "rapid evasive maneuvers." When authorities caught up to him 20 minutes later, they say, he hid inside the trunk again.

Yeah, the element of surprise only works once. Police arrested Schroeder for fleeing and marijuana possession. (Appropriately at 4:20 a.m.) Just stick with "I'm sorry, officer, it'll never happen again." Another lie.

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Marty Beckerman (@martybeckerman) is the Associate Editor of Guy Code Blog

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Today's Dumbass: Masturbating Man On Boat Claims He Was Just Exercising

Posted 5/8/13 12:00 pm EST by in Today's Dumbass

yachting
Credit: Getty Images

If you're still frantically trying to get in shape for the summer, consult a qualified personal trainer to make sure that your exercise routine doesn't cause you physical or legal harm.

Scott Barron from Alva, Florida was arrested for masturbating on his parked boat in plain sight as other people sailed past him. Allegedly, an off-duty cop asked Barron to stop, to which he quickly replied, "[expletive deleted] you!" After an on-duty officer showed up to arrest him, Barron tried to explain that he wasn't masturbating, he was exercising.

We get it. Everyone is excited that spring has sprung and we're all trying to enjoy the nice weather. But you've got to maintain your excitement at acceptable levels. Cursing out police officers while masturbating furiously is going over-board. Also, what exercise could that possibly even look like? Either Baron is on the forefront of physical fitness techniques, or he's just doing it wrong.

Either way, we'll stick with push-ups and not masturbating outside.

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Neal Stastny (@NealStas) is a comedian and writer in New York.

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Today's Dumbass: Man Tries To Bomb Turtles, Bombs Himself

Posted 5/7/13 11:00 am EST by in Today's Dumbass

Wildlife Reserves Singapore Prepare To Open River Safari Attraction
Credit: Chris McGrath/Getty Images

If the Foot Clan from "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" were real, this guy would've failed the admission test.

According to police, a 19-year-old from Kingwood, Texas planned to detonate a bomb in a local bayou to "blow up turtles." However, the plan allegedly backfired when he lit a cigar and the ashes fell near the explosive cartridges, which detonated in his pocket. He lived, but suffered injuries. No word from police about any potential turtle casualties.

Admittedly, we don't know much about turtle hunting, but using a bomb to kill turtles seems a little excessive. If people use fishing rods to catch something as large and fast as a marlin, you could probably use one to catch a turtle? Also, it's a good idea to save the celebratory cigar until after you've done so.

Still, he should consider himself lucky; he hasn't been arrested or charged in relation to this accident. Next time he wants to catch some turtles, he should just try using pizza as bait.

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Neal Stastny (@NealStas) is a comedian and writer in New York.

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