Welcome to GUY CODE, the official blog of MTV2's "Guy Code" series and your online destination for all things dude, including—but not limited to—irreverent commentary on sports, hip-hop and ladies. Stay awhile and flex your manhood.
What a guy does in the privacy of his own home is his business, but when you're a hotel guest, you have to follow some rules: Check out by 11, tip the maid and don't ram the emergency fire extinguisher up your anal cavity before masturbating in the hallways.
Unfortunately for 20-year-old British man Joseph Small, London's Premier Inn had a super sexy fire extinguisher hanging on the wall, just tempting him, and he could no longer control himself. Police arrested the very intoxicated, very naked dude for the lewd public act, plus for urinating on the floor and screaming racist insults at a hotel employee.
"I can't recall anything that happened and I'm sorry to anyone that I offended," Small told the court. "I'm truly ashamed of myself."
He pleaded guilty, faced a $1,200 fine and walked free. We're guessing his walk had a bit of a limp, though.
'Tis the season for giving, and 29-year-old Serge Vorobyov took that to the extreme on Black Friday when he flung $1,000 in singles from a Mall Of America balcony. Was this some kind of anti-consumerism protest to show how shoppers will claw at each other over a dollar? No, he apparently just wanted to win back his former spouse.
Unfortunately, Vorobyov's ex-wife didn't accept his invitation to watch him hurl his "last $1,000" to the crowd below, as a choir sang "Let It Snow." But he did receive something in return for his charity: A police citation for disorderly conduct, and a one-year ban from the famous Minnesota shopping center.
He explained on YouTube that "I'm going through a horrible divorce she even took the cat and won't tell me where it is. ... I thought I'd just spread some holiday cheer, be positive and kind of, like, pay it forward." He should've saved a few bucks to pay his citation.
"I don't see how holiday cheer is disorderly conduct," Vorobyov protested, "but I think I made it more fun."
It's always embarrassing when you accidentally call somebody in your contacts list, but most people know a butt-dial when they hear one and soon hang up -- unlike the Arkansas man who listened in on an unintentional caller's private conversation for 1.5 hours. Because, according to police, that conversation was about murdering him.
Last week, Jonesboro cops arrested 68-year-old Larry Barnett, owner of Legend Motor Company, whom they say plotted to kill an ex-employee over monetary obligations -- but "unknowingly made" a call to his would-be victim right before the hit.
"I don't care if you have to burn his house to the ground with him in it," Barnett reportedly told a co-conspirator. "I don't care what you have to do, make it look like an accident."
The former employee alerted authorities, who arrived at his home to discover that "the gas stove had been tampered with." Gas stoves being a piece of technology that most older dudes have less trouble operating than smartphones.
All guys love to slide down staircases. We discover this treat as boys, master it as teenagers (seeking more and more extreme skateboard videos) and occasionally sneak a quick one in manhood, although we feel a little guilty to still do it at our age. But we try to be discrete. We don't just whip it out in the middle of a football stadium.
Unless you're the guy who fell from the upper deck at yesterday's Bills-Jets game. As you can see in the video below, this genius slid down (and then off) the Ralph Wilson Stadium's guardrail, taking a massive 30-foot plunge. Miraculously he survived with only a shoulder injury, and the man he landed on survived as well. The Bills won the game 37-14, so we can see this becoming a new lucky tradition.
Authorities haven't said whether alcohol was involved, because do they really need to?
Neighbors are just the worst. When their dogs aren't barking, their stereos are booming. Or their babies are screaming. Or they're in the middle of a domestic dispute. Or they're having loud sex and don't even have the courtesy to open their window curtains for you.
The point is, sometimes you wish you could go to war with them, an impulse that New York man Brian J. Malta, 52, allegedly acted on by firing a replica Civil War-era cannon at bordering houses for more than a week. Apparently it's 100% legal to own a f*cking cannon, but police arrested Malta for menacing and harassment after "[w]e had reports from people that had heard the cannon go off," some of them reportedly miles away.
The local sheriff wouldn't saywhat drove Malta to this alleged barrage, only calling it "a civil matter," adding, "I don't recall, during my 34-year career, taking a cannon" until now.
Somewhat disappointingly, police claim that Malta wasn't firing cannonballs, just the cannon equivalent of blanks. If he had, though, the National Cannon Association would probably blame the neighbors for not owning their own howitzers for self-defense.
Oktoberfest 2013 is long gone, but attendees will always have the memories. Or maybe not. In fact, one guy couldn't even remember how he got there in the first place.
Forty-year-old Italian man Andreas O. (who's apparently too embarrassed to share his full name) drove to Munich for the annual drinking festival before ditching his car on a side street and hopping a tram to the party. When he tried to head home, he realized that he couldn't remember where he parked...or even which tram he had taken.
For more than a month, Andreas searched for his vehicle, flying back to Germany on three occasions and hanging posters, offering a reward, contacting police. Finally, someone who read about it in a local paper spotted the car.
The strangest part: Andreas claims that beer had nothing to do with his whole Oktoberfest ordeal: "I didn't come to drink. I came for the rides." Oh, come on, dude. If you're gonna lie, at least say you came for the women with the low-cut tops.
All guys, at some level, want Bigfoot to be real. For most of us, that level is rather low on our list of concerns, somewhere between "how's the royal baby doing?" and "how many billions of years will it be until the sun engulfs the planet?" However, for two Oklahoman Sasquatch enthusiasts, Yeti's existence could have been a matter of life and death.
Last Saturday, 21-year-old Omar Pineda reportedly went for a "Bigfoot hunt" in the woods off Interstate 44 with a friend and a couple guns. (Who doesn't at that age?) According to police, a "barking noise" startled Pineda, causing him to accidentally blast a round into his buddy's back. Cops arrested him for reckless conduct with a firearm, and then arrested his father-in-law and wife for allegedly trying to obstruct the investigation after the weapon mysteriously vanished in the wilderness...just like Bigfoot always does.
"When you start off with an explanation like that, do you believe anything after that?" said the county sheriff, adding, "To our knowledge, no Bigfoot sightings in Rogers County."
Pineda's friend is expected to live. When he recovers, perhaps they can go on a boating expedition for the Loch Ness Monster together and then clumsily harpoon each other.
On Wednesday, police arrested Pavel Krivov and Petru Tomcac, both 18, after receiving reports of a man in a motorcycle helmet charging at bystanders with the weapon. Police confiscated the ax, which is actually just a realistic prop, and charged the two with second-degree assault. Krivov and Tomcac reportedly admitted to the "pranking" fail.
If these guys had any brains, they would've applied for jobs at a seasonal haunted house and actually gotten paid for this. But hey, where's the fun and YouTube hits in that?
Not so long ago, the most high-tech feature at most restaurants was the cash register. Now, even hole-in-the-wall pizzerias use $500 tablets for sleek decoration and honoring mobile app deals. That's a big temptation for thieves, but one guy is the laughingstock of the Internet after breaking into Chicago's Pie Hole Pizza Joint with a brick, only to be foiled by an iPad security cable attached to the counter.
"[H]e tugged and tugged and tugged on it," the pizzeria's owner told CBS. (Adding to the fail, the thief didn't even try to snip it with any of the pizza cutters lying around.)
A lot of people have drinking problems. But when you're willing to run into a blazing home to rescue your Bud Light, it's seriously time to examine your relationship with alcohol.
When his house in Columbus, Georgia, caught fire -- possibly due to a water heater malfunction -- Walter Serpit escaped with five other adults and two children...and then raced back to the inferno. "I told them to get the kids out and everything, and me myself, being an alcoholic, I was trying to get my beer out," Serpit explained to WTVM.
Hey, they say the first step is admitting you have a problem. And at least he gave priority to the kids. It's like they always say: Women and children first, then the beer.
Miraculously, Serpit saved several cans of Bud Light and made it out of the fire unscathed. Yes, cans. Not that any beer is worth risking your life for, but, c'mon, if you're gonna put your life on the line, at least do it for bottles.