Credit: Eric Seals/Detroit Free Press
Godzilla the Turkey is a beautiful, majestic bird. A beautiful, majestic bird that will completely RUIN YOUR S***! Every day, he brings the lunch pail to work, and puts in 12 hours terrorizing a Commerce Township woman who thinks she can roam freely on her own property. F*** that! This is Godzilla's turkey-bangin' territory, where he makes all the lady turkeys go "gobble...gobble...GOBBLE!!"
This local lady is totally cock-blocking Godzilla, trying to "live her life" and "get into her car." It totally harshes Godzilla's buzz. So each morning he turns into one badass motherclucker and charges her, delivering "a sort of fat-feathered chest-bump." Sometimes he even pulls out the big guns, grabbing at her with his claws (yeah, that's right, Godzilla has CLAWS) and even bit one of her friends (yeah, that's right, Godzilla BITES).
Godzilla is the Chuck Norris and honey badger of turkeys. Watch him in action.
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You hear "kitesurfing" and immediately you picture some bro wearing neon shades and Croakies, jumping out of his Jeep Wrangler and talking about tonight's party at Tad's cabin. First he's just gonna drop in on these wind swells and tear out some sick grindage. Kitesurfers are the Billy Zabka of water sports.
Not anymore. 42-year-old Polish kitesurfing legend (surely there's a lot of competition for that title) Jan Lisewski was stranded in the Red Sea for two days and survived by stabbing sharks in their eyes, nose and gills. Let that sink in...is what he said to the sharks as his blade plunged into their flesh!
You may wonder, "What was a Polish kitesurfer doing in the middle of the Red Sea?" No biggie, the dude was just trying to kitesurf 124 miles from Egypt to Saudi Arabia (suck it, bodies of water!). That's just what badasses do on their lunch break! Unfortunately, the wind stopped and Jan was stuck.
Credit: UpDown Productions
We know wakeboarding--the rowdy offspring of surfing and water-skiing. Now imagine adding "snowboarding" into that mix. That's how they do it in Alaska. The board in freezing temperatures while flipping over large chunks of ice, in the company of whales, dolphins and sea lions.
Andy Hurdman is a pro-rider and one of the stars of the show "Catchin' Air: A Kiteboarding Adventure." The series follows him and amputee Sean Reyngoudt as they shred their way through the Florida Keys, Oregon Dunes, Bonneville Salt Flats and Glacier Island, Alaska. In the teaser video for episode 4, Hurdman pulls some kickass stunts traditional wakeboard-style while he waits for the air to pick up for kiteboarding. Check it out.
Alaska Wakeboarding Teaser from Catchin' Air Tv Show from UpDown Productions on Vimeo.
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Credit: Getty Images/Michael Loccisano
You probably recognize Vincent D'Onofrio as the bug guy from "Men In Black." You definitely recognize him as Detective Robert Goren from "Law & Order: Criminal Intent." And real men recognize him as the soft-spoken, psychotic Private Pyle in "Full Metal Jacket." He's just added "director" to that badass résumé, with the new slasher-musical "Don't Go In The Woods" (it's like if Bon Iver's write-a-record-in-the-woods story had a baby with "Friday The 13th").
He is Today's Badass because he joined our pals over at Next Movie and put together the hilarious "Hollywood D'o's and D'ont's" video, which we've embedded below. It features some manic insider tips that only a seasoned veteran like D'Onofrio could offer. For example, don't refer to Julia Roberts as "Eric's brother").
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Photo: Coors Brewing Company
An Alaska man who was trapped inside his pickup truck in a snow bank for 60 hours tapped the Rockies for his only source of nourishment during the terrifying experience. The ordeal began when 52-year-old Clifton Vial of Nome, Alaska, went for a ride in his truck, which got swallowed by a snowdrift at 9:30 p.m., in sub-zero conditions, 40 miles from town.
Unable to dig out, Vial remained freezing cold, desperate, angry and extremely hungry for the 60 hours he endured. "I felt really pissed at myself," Vial said. "I shouldn't have been out there by myself unprepared for what I knew was possible." Vial's only foodstuff besides snow was frozen Coors Light in his cab. Although most people probably couldn't distinguish frozen Coors Light from snow, he ate the beer "like cans of beans."
Vial was very lucky that a rescue crew found him in his trapped truck in the remote spot. And although Vial lost 16 pounds over the nearly three-day period, he probably wouldn't recommend the crash diet. Bad dum tssshh.
You know that old saying, "You can't take it with you"? They weren't talking about Doritos!
Arch West, the man credited with inventing Doritos, died last Saturday at 97, and when he's laid to rest this weekend he'll be taking some of the chips with him. Literally. His kids are going to cover his casket with Doritos before throwing dirt on top of it. It's a fitting tribute for a heroic man.
Yes, heroic. West was a man with passion, drive and an unflinching desire to feed people food that's simultaneously delicious and terrible for them. He's a man who's responsible for an untold number of all-nighters pulled with only the aid of his chips and Mountain Dew. His face belongs on the Mt. Rushmore of junk food next to the inventor of Funyuns, the inventor of Ring Dings and the inventor of Big League Chew. One day we hope to be remembered for something as earth-shattering as Doritos. Enjoy that cool ranch in the sky, Arch West. You'll be missed.
There's impressive debuts and then there's what Baltimore Ravens rookie wide receiver Torrey Smith accomplished in his first career start: Smith's first three NFL catches were touchdowns, and they were all in the first quarter of the Ravens blowout of the St. Louis on the Rams own turf. The last time a guy named Torry exploded for three touchdowns, the year was 2006 and the player was Rams great Torry Holt.
Torrey Smith got the start in the place of injured receiver Lee Evans, who ought to be concerned about his starting job once he heals from an ankle problem. Smith finished the day with five catches for 152 yards and those three touchdown scores of 74, 41 and 18 yards. More troubling for Evans is Smith's reaction to one of the touchdowns, with his finger pointed high indicating that he's number one. That sound you hear is fantasy football fanatics desperate for wide receiver help scurrying to their laptops to pick up or bid on the rookie breakout. But if you miss out, don't sweat it. Who remembers Frisman Jackson?
Photo: Getty Images
Today's Dumbass, an unidentified 35-year-old man from Wichita, Kansas, comes to us from the world of sleepy, stupid criminals. Since he hasn't been identified by the Associated Press, we'll call him Today's Dumbass (in place of Today's Badass), which is appropriate because the dude took a shower and then a nap while burglarizing a home. According to police, the homeless man had gathered his desired goods before deciding to get some suds and a snooze. Then, of course, the homeowners returned to find the man asleep.
In no particular order, showering, Police say the man, who was homeless, had gathered several items he intended to steal Saturday from a house in southeast Wichita. Read more: masturbating, cooking a delicious tiramisu and sleeping are among the most idiotic activities for a burglar midway through a break-in. Today's Dumbass engaged in two of those activities, possibly three. For you bleeding hearts who may be thinking, "Maybe the guy just needed a shower and a warm place to sleep." Well, maybe so, but that's still no excuse to break into a person's private home, period. This guy could very well be a scum of the earth, career criminal with no moral conscience. Whatever he is, he's also Today's Dumbass, and now he's probably in a cell, asleep, in a bed--wait, maybe he's not so dumb.
Via KC Star
Photo: Getty Images
Usually we profile Today's Badass, but this Dallas Cowboys fan changed our focus by zapping a New York Jets fan with a taser he snuck into the September 11 Sunday night game. What happened to pulling together as a country? And what happened to the rigorous security Jets owner Woody Johnson guaranteed? Being that it was a Cowboys fan, the Jets fans are just lucky it wasn't a cattle prod or captive bolt pistol like the one used in "No Country For Old Men."
As the season progresses and rivalries intensify, fans get more and more out of control. That might explain a fan fight in late December, but there's nothing to justify one on the first day of the season, and there's really no justification for using a tazer. You can't see too clearly what's going on in the clip, but you can hear the unmistakable "zzzz zzzz zzzz" of the weapon. Then you can hear everyone murmuring "How'd he get that in here?" C'mon everybody. If you have access to a taser, please only zap those truly deserving, like Philadelphia fans or Cowboys fans.