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Today's Badass: Chubbs The Star Wars Pug [VIDEO]

Posted 3/15/12 11:00 am EST by in Funny, Movies, Today's Badass, Video

Sometimes an animal-centric web video meets nerd porn and new viral heights are reached. This is one of those times. The A.V. Club pointed us to this remake of the wampa scene from "Empire Strikes Back," which marries the film's original audio with action figures, and starring Chubbs the pug in the crucial role of the wampa/wampug.

Yes, the ferocious Jedi trappin' beast that roamed the ice planet Hoth and terrified us as children has been reduced to the most cuddly dog with fake horns and breathing problems. Despite having some of the most memorable creatures in pop culture history, I think we can all agree that the "Star Wars" canon suffers from a lack of pugs.

So before you jock out on March Madness for the rest of the week, appeal to the dark dork side for a minute. And be sure to stick around for the end, where Chubbs totally riffs like an actor at the top of his craft to deliver a shocking twist ending.

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Today's Badass: Girl Scouts Fight For Right To Sell Cookies

Posted 3/14/12 8:00 am EST by in Funny, News, Today's Badass

Credit: Getty Images

Caitlin and Abigail Mills have made a killing selling Girl Scout Cookies from their driveway in Hazlewood, Missouri, for each of the last six years. But this year Hazlewood officials lived out their Eliot Ness fantasies and shut down their cookie stand for "violating city ordinances."

What's next? FDA approval for the beverages you're selling at your lemonade stand? A trade commission sign-off on your magazine subscription fundraiser? Before your field trip to Colonial Williamsburg you need to get the permission slip notarized?  This is an egregious abuse of power that would make George Orwell shiver!

Before their little operation was crushed by the iron fist of an unfeeling government, the Mills sisters sold roughly 1,700 boxes this cookie season (the best season). Hmm, sounds to me like a member of the rival troop has a parent in the Hazleton city council. Collusion!

Luckily, we have these two Brownie badasses fighting the good fight. The Huffington Post says a judge will hear arguments on the Scouts' constitutional rights to sell the cookies. Caitlin and Abigail, you are putting up exactly the kind of impassioned fight for liberty that Patrick Henry envisioned when he said "give me Tagalongs or give me death."
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Today's Badass: Godzilla Turkey Will Wreck You

Posted 3/9/12 11:00 am EST by in Funny, News, Today's Badass, Video


Credit: Eric Seals/Detroit Free Press

Godzilla the Turkey is a beautiful, majestic bird. A beautiful, majestic bird that will completely RUIN YOUR S***! Every day, he brings the lunch pail to work, and puts in 12 hours terrorizing a Commerce Township woman who thinks she can roam freely on her own property. F*** that! This is Godzilla's turkey-bangin' territory, where he makes all the lady turkeys go "gobble...gobble...GOBBLE!!"

This local lady is totally cock-blocking Godzilla, trying to "live her life" and "get into her car." It totally harshes Godzilla's buzz. So each morning he turns into one badass motherclucker and charges her, delivering "a sort of fat-feathered chest-bump." Sometimes he even pulls out the big guns, grabbing at her with his claws (yeah, that's right, Godzilla has CLAWS) and even bit one of her friends (yeah, that's right, Godzilla BITES).

Godzilla is the Chuck Norris and honey badger of turkeys. Watch him in action.

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Today's Badass: Knife-Wielding Kitesurfer Stabs Sharks For Two Days

Posted 3/7/12 11:00 am EST by in Sports, Today's Badass

Credit: Facebook

You hear "kitesurfing" and immediately you picture some bro wearing neon shades and Croakies, jumping out of his Jeep Wrangler and talking about tonight's party at Tad's cabin. First he's just gonna drop in on these wind swells and tear out some sick grindage. Kitesurfers are the Billy Zabka of water sports.

Not anymore. 42-year-old Polish kitesurfing legend (surely there's a lot of competition for that title) Jan Lisewski was stranded in the Red Sea for two days and survived by stabbing sharks in their eyes, nose and gills. Let that sink in...is what he said to the sharks as his blade plunged into their flesh!

You may wonder, "What was a Polish kitesurfer doing in the middle of the Red Sea?" No biggie, the dude was just trying to kitesurf 124 miles from Egypt to Saudi Arabia (suck it, bodies of water!). That's just what badasses do on their lunch break! Unfortunately, the wind stopped and Jan was stuck.
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We Ain't Afraid Of No Icebergs [Video]

Posted 2/8/12 2:07 pm EST by in Sports, Today's Badass, Video


Credit: UpDown Productions

We know wakeboarding--the rowdy offspring of surfing and water-skiing. Now imagine adding "snowboarding" into that mix. That's how they do it in Alaska. The board in freezing temperatures while flipping over large chunks of ice, in the company of whales, dolphins and sea lions.

Andy Hurdman is a pro-rider and one of the stars of the show "Catchin' Air: A Kiteboarding Adventure." The series follows him and amputee Sean Reyngoudt as they shred their way through the Florida Keys, Oregon Dunes, Bonneville Salt Flats and Glacier Island, Alaska. In the teaser video for episode 4, Hurdman pulls some kickass stunts traditional wakeboard-style while he waits for the air to pick up for kiteboarding. Check it out.

Alaska Wakeboarding Teaser from Catchin' Air Tv Show from UpDown Productions on Vimeo.

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Today's Badass: Serious Vincent D'Onofrio Can Be Funny

Posted 1/20/12 4:00 pm EST by in Celebs, Movies, Today's Badass, Video

Credit: Getty Images/Michael Loccisano

You probably recognize Vincent D'Onofrio as the bug guy from "Men In Black." You definitely recognize him as Detective Robert Goren from "Law & Order: Criminal Intent." And real men recognize him as the soft-spoken, psychotic Private Pyle in "Full Metal Jacket." He's just added "director" to that badass résumé, with the new slasher-musical "Don't Go In The Woods" (it's like if Bon Iver's write-a-record-in-the-woods story had a baby with "Friday The 13th").

He is Today's Badass because he joined our pals over at Next Movie and put together the hilarious "Hollywood D'o's and D'ont's" video, which we've embedded below. It features some manic insider tips that only a seasoned veteran like D'Onofrio could offer. For example, don't refer to Julia Roberts as "Eric's brother").

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Today's Badass: Trapped Alaska Man Survives 60 Hours On Frozen Beer

Posted 12/6/11 1:15 pm EST by in News, Today's Badass


Photo: Coors Brewing Company

An Alaska man who was trapped inside his pickup truck in a snow bank for 60 hours tapped the Rockies for his only source of nourishment during the terrifying experience. The ordeal began when 52-year-old Clifton Vial of Nome, Alaska, went for a ride in his truck, which got swallowed by a snowdrift at 9:30 p.m., in sub-zero conditions, 40 miles from town.

Unable to dig out, Vial remained freezing cold, desperate, angry and extremely hungry for the 60 hours he endured. "I felt really pissed at myself," Vial said. "I shouldn't have been out there by myself unprepared for what I knew was possible." Vial's only foodstuff besides snow was frozen Coors Light in his cab. Although most people probably couldn't distinguish frozen Coors Light from snow, he ate the beer "like cans of beans."

Vial was very lucky that a rescue crew found him in his trapped truck in the remote spot. And although Vial lost 16 pounds over the  nearly three-day period, he probably wouldn't recommend the crash diet. Bad dum tssshh.

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Today's Badass: Heroic Doritos Inventor Will Have Doritos Sprinkled On Casket

Posted 9/27/11 11:15 am EST by in News, Today's Badass

You know that old saying, "You can't take it with you"? They weren't talking about Doritos!

Arch West, the man credited with inventing Doritos, died last Saturday at 97, and when he's laid to rest this weekend he'll be taking some of the chips with him. Literally. His kids are going to cover his casket with Doritos before throwing dirt on top of it. It's a fitting tribute for a heroic man.

Yes, heroic. West was a man with passion, drive and an unflinching desire to feed people food that's simultaneously delicious and terrible for them. He's a man who's responsible for an untold number of all-nighters pulled with only the aid of his chips and Mountain Dew. His face belongs on the Mt. Rushmore of junk food next to the inventor of Funyuns, the inventor of Ring Dings and the inventor of Big League Chew. One day we hope to be remembered for something as earth-shattering as Doritos. Enjoy that cool ranch in the sky, Arch West. You'll be missed.

Photo: YouTube

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Today's Badass: Ravens Rookie Wideout Torrey Smith Goes Beast Mode

Posted 9/26/11 11:14 am EST by in News, Sports, Today's Badass

There's impressive debuts and then there's what Baltimore Ravens rookie wide receiver Torrey Smith accomplished in his first career start: Smith's first three NFL catches were touchdowns, and they were all in the first quarter of the Ravens blowout of the St. Louis on the Rams own turf. The last time a guy named Torry exploded for three touchdowns, the year was 2006 and the player was Rams great Torry Holt.

Torrey Smith got the start in the place of injured receiver Lee Evans, who ought to be concerned about his starting job once he heals from an ankle problem. Smith finished the day with five catches for 152 yards and those three touchdown scores of 74, 41 and 18 yards. More troubling for Evans is Smith's reaction to one of the touchdowns, with his finger pointed high indicating that he's number one. That sound you hear is fantasy football fanatics desperate for wide receiver help scurrying to their laptops to pick up or bid on the rookie breakout. But if you miss out, don't sweat it. Who remembers Frisman Jackson?

Photo: Getty Images

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Today's Dumbass: Burglar Takes A Mid-Heist Nap

Posted 9/13/11 12:00 pm EST by in News, Today's Badass

Today's Dumbass, an unidentified 35-year-old man from Wichita, Kansas, comes to us from the world of sleepy, stupid criminals. Since he hasn't been identified by the Associated Press, we'll call him Today's Dumbass (in place of Today's Badass), which is appropriate because the dude took a shower and then a nap while burglarizing a home. According to police, the homeless man had gathered his desired goods before deciding to get some suds and a snooze. Then, of course, the homeowners returned to find the man asleep.

In no particular order, showering, Police say the man, who was homeless, had gathered several items he intended to steal Saturday from a house in southeast Wichita. Read more: masturbating, cooking a delicious tiramisu and sleeping are among the most idiotic activities for a burglar midway through a break-in. Today's Dumbass engaged in two of those activities, possibly three. For you bleeding hearts who may be thinking, "Maybe the guy just needed a shower and a warm place to sleep." Well, maybe so, but that's still no excuse to break into a person's private home, period. This guy could very well be a scum of the earth, career criminal with no moral conscience. Whatever he is, he's also Today's Dumbass, and now he's probably in a cell, asleep, in a bed--wait, maybe he's not so dumb.

Via KC Star

Photo: Getty Images

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