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Today's Badass: Dude Wants 'Bro-Date' With Justin Bieber

Posted 6/5/12 11:30 am EST by in Funny, News, Today's Badass

Leon Purvis, like most dudes at age 16, is probably more comfortable bro-ing out than courting chicks. Only, Purvis has higher bro aspirations (brospirations). He asked Justin Bieber to come to prom as his "bro." Let us be clear: although misguided, this is an extremely ballsy thing to do. Rather than thinking "every guy is going to rag on me for this," Purvis had an advanced strategy, like a teenaged general. He knew it was win-win: if Bieber actually did it, Purivs gets the ultimate wingman, allowing him to get all the scraps that fall off Bieber's platter. If he doesn't, he still gets tons of attention.

Predictably, Beebz never responded. So Purvis did what any attention-seeking, dateless teenager would do: he went with a cardboard cutout of the singer. Though Cardboard Bieber couldn't dole out any rad bro-fives, the video garnered some 140,000 views on YouTube, just like Purvis strategized. The video even prompted Bieber's manager to reach out and give Purvis two tickets to the pop star's concert. If it's really a date Purvis is after, he has his pick of the ladies (or certain guys) now.

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GIFs: RIP Kissing Bandit, Richard Dawson

Posted 6/4/12 3:40 pm EST by in GIFs, News, Today's Badass, TV

Today's Badass did much of his finest work in the late 1970s and early 1980s as the original host of "Family Feud," at a time when it was feasible for a kiss-happy British-born actor to spread his warmth over America. Dawson passed away over the weekend at age 79. Executive producer Howard Felsher estimated that over the course of Dawson's 10-year run as host of the game show, the "Kissing Bandit" laid a wet one on about 20,000 women. Some of them more than once. He's basically the Wilt Chamberlain of kissing.

Times have changed and America is a bit more prude and politically correct, at least on national television. "I kissed them for luck and love, that's all," Dawson said. To his credit, most women seemed willing participants in the smooches he planted on them as fathers, brothers and uncles (and possibly even husbands) looked on. It's not like the ladies didn't expect a kiss. Dawson eventually even met his future wife on the show when she was a contestant in 1981, Gretchen Johnson. Click on to see a few more of Dawson's greatest kisses.

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Watch Badass NYC Boxer Berate Wall Street Nerds

Posted 5/17/12 3:30 pm EST by in Funny, Sports, Today's Badass

Real talk: you will not see a funnier, more satisfying video today than this one we've found care of Business Insider via Animal NY. It's a hilarious, wonderful nugget of schadenfreude featuring Eric Kelly of Church Street Boxing Gym in New York City. His day job consists of insulting Wall Street suits who work out at his gym. (We're guessing they're brushing up on their boxing due to the rising Occupy Wall Street insurrection.)

As satisfying as it is to watch these clumsy sacks of numbers flail around on the heavy bag, the real draw of this video is Kelly's string of insults. They run the gamut: "Where'd you get that old-ass Top Gun haircut from?" "I bet someone gave you a wedgie on your way here." "Dumb motherf***er!" Best of all, he's saying it to their faces. And this is after they've paid him! Small price to pay after ruining the economy.

The video is so profane we can't embed it here, so you should most definitely CLICK THIS LINK AND GO WATCH IT, you dumb motherf***er!

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Today's Badass: 12-Year-Old Lands Skateboarding's First 1080

Posted 4/3/12 10:30 am EST by in News, Sports, Today's Badass

Credit: RedBullUSA

Not Shaun White, not Tony Hawk. Last week skating phenom Tom Schaar  became the first skateboarder to land a clean 1080. And he's 12. I guess this means in about five years we'll all be playing "Tom Schaar's Pro Shredder" on Playstation 4.

Dude's balls haven't even dropped--yet he's dropping in on the mega pipe and making skateboarding history. To give you some perspective: Schaar wasn't even a functioning cognitive being when Tony Hawk became the first to land a 900 back in '99. It took Hawk 11 tries to land the 2.5 revolutions; wunderkind Schaar needed just five attempts to land his three revolutions.

Is it just us, or DAMMIT are athletes getting better and better even younger? Who says kids these days are locked in their basements under the glow of tablets and game consoles? Pretty soon there will be no-shave pro leagues, and they will be the premiere ones. Scary. Anyway, bow down to our new skateboarding overlord, and check out the amazing video, via GrindTV.

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Today's Badass: Man Fights Burglar With Sword And Beer Bottle

Posted 3/27/12 1:56 pm EST by in Funny, News, Today's Badass

Credit: 20th Century Fox

This bizarre story comes out of Florida, which isn't surprising since 88 percent of stories involving sword attacks occur in Florida. Anthony Brisbane was working the graveyard shift at Captain Steamers when a masked robber wielding a tire iron came into the kitchen. Naturally, Brisbane grabbed a sword and they began sparring. You're probably thinking, "This isn't Grand Theft Auto where you can just summon random melee weapons whenever you want. Why does a Florida restaurant called Captain Steamers have a sword, and why was it so accessible?" But then, is it really that shocking?

Brisbane called the cops after he thought he had subdued the attacker, and when his guard was down the burglar hit him three times in the head with a tire iron. So Brisbane grabbed a nearby beer bottle (makes more sense) and cracked him over the head with it. Score one for the good guys.

We're always amazed by the "guy fends off burglar" stories, mainly because we are trembling cowards who would gladly provide the robber with those old-timey money sacks and even offer to help carry them to the getaway car. So bravo, Anthony Brisbane. You are Today's Badass.

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Today's Badass: Man Saws Off Own Foot To Avoid Work

Posted 3/26/12 3:00 pm EST by in News, Today's Badass

Credit: Topical Press Agency/Hulton Archive

You may say you "hate" your job. But hate is a strong word. You probably don't enjoy your job, but you grudgingly tolerate it. That is not hate.

Ladies and gentlemen (mostly gentlemen), let me introduce you to hating your job, via Reuters: A 56-year-old Austrian man was scheduled to meet with the labor office to determine whether he was fit for employment. So, hours before the meeting, the guy decided to saw off his own foot, thus ensuring that he wasn't fit for the rat race. And to think, he was so close to retirement age!

Just to make sure he wouldn't end up with a reattached foot and thus the ability to return to the working world, he tossed the foot into the oven, so that when the EMT's got to the scene it was too charred to be salvaged. Sadly, unless Austria has some sort of discriminatory law against hiring people with one foot, this is a short-term solution at best.

But that's not what matters. What matters is that this is the most grizzled man ever. It's like "127 Hours," only he was trapped for 490,560 hours under the boulder of LIFE. What the hell gnarly-ass job did this man have that made him think chopping off a body part was a better alternative? Was he a mass grave excavator? A puppy skinner? Khloe Kardashian's bikini waxer?

Many would have filed this under Today's Dumbass, but we have to applaud this man for his dedication to living the dream of a life without work. Sometimes you have to destroy (and roast in the oven) to build.

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Today's Badass: Parents Prank Sleeping Child [VIDEO]

Posted 3/21/12 11:37 am EST by in Funny, Today's Badass, Video

To us non-parents, most of parenthood seems like a mundane slog through a diaper-wiping, fruit punch-stained version of hell. As a parent, your main task is to keep your drooling kid from turning his brain into jelly by conking his head on every hard surface in the house.

That's why when we see parents such as Today's Badasses, it gives us hope. Parenthood doesn't have to be all baby wipes and tears. Your kid trusts you unconditionally, which makes him a perfect target for an awesome prank! The parents in the below video punk the s*** out of their kid during his impromptu stroller nap at some theme park. Some child advocates may argue otherwise, but we think they're the most badass parents around. I mean, just look at that kid. It's obvious that he had it coming. Enjoy the video below, care of The Big Lead.

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Today's Badass: One-Armed Pole Dancing Champion

Posted 3/20/12 10:30 am EST by in Ladies, News, Today's Badass

Credit: Telegraph.co.uk

From the Huff Post comes this heartwarming story of one-armed Deborah Roach of Australia, who took home gold at the International Pole Championship in Hong Kong. First of all, how did Vegas drop the ball on hosting this event? This is like holding a Dungeons and Dragons convention in the "Jersey Shore" house, it's JUST NOT RIGHT.

Anyway, Roach is sending a wonderful message to the young women of the world: that no matter what ails you, no matter your shortcomings, you shall overcome. You can step up onto life's metaphorical stage and twirl around that proverbial pole provocatively. For money.

"Gloria Steinem we've made it!" feminists are surely shouting. Because, you see, "the championships focus on 'pole art,' which emphasizes the fitness and creativity components of pole routines." So now when you go to the strip club, you can just tell your gal you were taking in an interactive art show.

Watch Roach in action below, via The Telegraph. We have to say, her routine's a little clunky, but hey, we're not much into art so what do we know?

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Today's Badass: Kitten Goes HAM On Puppy [VIDEO]

Posted 3/19/12 12:30 pm EST by in Funny, Today's Badass, Video

It's a rivalry as old as time itself, and everyone on Earth falls on one side of this eternal struggle: There are cat people, and there are dog people. Well, dog people, you've been dealt a crushing blow today, based on this video that came to us from Buzzfeed.

A Chihuahua and a kitten, supposedly the same age, duked it out to once and for all decide which species reigns supreme. With the fate of the entire animal kingdom in the balance, the two adorable spazoid Tasmanian devils grapple and swipe paws like warriors in a giggle-filled Thunderdome.

It's nonstop action (save for a quick break in which the contenders smell each others' b-holes), as the cuddly wuddly little scamps fight for the pride of their fellow species. So check out the epic war between canine and feline below, where two fuzzy internet-baiting pets enter and fuzzy one internet-baiting pet leaves.

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Today's Badass: Insane Mountain Biker [VIDEO]

Posted 3/16/12 10:15 am EST by in Sports, Today's Badass, Video

Now that the weather's nice, you promised yourself you'd really take advantage of it. You're envisioning some hiking, some camping and oh DEFINITELY gonna hit the trails for some mountain biking. So you and your bros thrown on cargo shorts and grab your Huffy 8-speeds or whatever the hell hunks of scrap metal you rented. And BOOM, you're ready for a hard-core workout adventure consisting of coasting leisurely through a moderately wooded area where you only sometimes hear car horns in the distance. Look out for those pesky tree roots!

Yeah, well this video from Buzzfeed via Reddit shows you what real (read: literal) mountain biking is. Where the wrong jerk of your wrist is the difference between an animalistic adrenaline rush that proceeds to fuel a wild 12-day sex binge...and a Darwin Award death. It's everything a Mountain Dew commercial wishes it could be.

While the man careening down the mountainside in this clip remained stoically silent (like any badass is wont to do, he let the badassery speak for itself), we watched and filled the room with whisper-screams of "Oh my GAHH, watch that rock!" Check out the video below, if you can handle being exposed as the sentient heap of wussitude that you truly are.

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