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Today's Badass: 5-Year-Old Drives Car To Save Mom

Posted 5/20/13 10:58 am EST by in Today's Badass

kid steers car
Credit: WXII-TV

Usually our "Today's Badass" nominees are old enough to legally drive (or say "Badass" without getting their mouths cleaned out with soap), but five-year-old Caleb Taylor of North Carolina deserves the honor for steering his mom's car after she suffered a seizure.

"I was taking a nap, and I just woke up," Caleb recounted to a local TV station. "Then I saw her not driving."

So he climbed to the wheel from the backseat, shifted gears to neutral, swerved to the side of the busy road, removed the keys and found someone to call 911. Holy crap, this kid's cooler under pressure than we are. Even more incredibly, his father had prepared him for this exact scenario.

"I've always told him if a car runs away, turn the ignition off," his dad told reporters, adding that Caleb "knows how to start a car and hold a steering wheel, ride a lawn mower...you know, go carts."

The heroic tyke now wants to change his name to "Caleb Batman." Put it on his driver's license.

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Marty Beckerman (@martybeckerman) is the Associate Editor of Guy Code Blog

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Today's Badass: This Guy Actually Makes 'DDR' Look Cool

Posted 5/7/13 4:00 pm EST by in Games, Today's Badass

ddr
Photo: YouTube

We all love playing video games, but we seldom break out the "Dance Dance Revolution" floor pad...because we don't own such a controller, and have no desire to do so. We might dance at the club, but we'd rather spend our gaming time on the couch.

Even though "DDR" isn't our favorite game (ranking somewhere around "My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic"), we respect genuine athletic talent when we see it. And this Japanese guy named Takaske could be an Olympic athlete, if he weren't so preoccupied at the arcade. Click through to watch him conquer two pads at once with uncanny speed.

Actually, we kinda want to see him play "My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic" now.

MORE: "The Fastest Feet in the West"

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Today's Badass: Man Grabs Robber's Shotgun, Breaks Windshield [Video]

Posted 5/1/13 11:00 am EST by in Today's Badass, Video

For most of us, a shotgun held to our face would be a strong incentive to hand over a wallet or phone...but most of us aren't the insanely brave guy in the below surveillance video, who snatched away his robber's firearm and chased after the suspect.

According to police, the suspect got into his car and asked for the gun back in exchange for the victim's phone. The victim (well, maybe "victim" is the wrong here) didn't think that was a good deal, so he bashed in the suspect's back windshield with the shotgun.

Considering what could've happened, this video is kind of terrifying. We doubt we'd have the courage or the reflexes to pull off those Jason Bourne moves. We assume most of the video's million-plus views are from the dude showing it to his friends or girls at bars.

Police in New Orleans are looking for information. So if anyone in the Big Easy knows a guy who used to have a shotgun and a rear windshield, please contact the authorities.

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Neal Stastny (@NealStas) is a comedian and writer in New York.

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Today's Badass: Mormon Bishop Fights Off Stalker With Samurai Sword

Posted 4/25/13 10:50 am EST by in Today's Badass

samurai
Photo: Glenn Waters

Kent Hendrix is just your typical 47-year-old Mormon bishop who's also a fourth-degree black belt with a 29-inch samurai sword at his bedside. So when a stalker allegedly tried to break into his neighbor's Utah home, Hendrix did what anyone (with a 29-inch samurai sword) would: Withdrew the carbon steel blade and shouted, "You are so done!"

The suspect ran away, but Hendrix--a martial arts instructor--gave chase. "His eyes got as big as saucers and he kind of gasped and jumped back," Hendrix told the Associated Press. "He's probably never had anyone draw a sword on him before."

The alleged stalker--a former coworker of the neighbor, who'd already filed a restraining order--promptly turned himself in. Because when you're behind bars, at least a katana-wielding LDS minister can't get to you...for the time being.

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Today's Badass: Man Punches Alligator To Save Son

Posted 4/24/13 11:55 am EST by in Today's Badass

man punches alligator
Credit: ABC Local 10

Kids, they're always getting into trouble--drawing on walls, not wearing their bicycle helmets, almost getting eaten by alligators...

When Florida man Joseph Welch took his six-year-old son Joey on a canoe trip last Friday, he hoped to expose the boy to "something new and different." That's certainly what happened, because an eight-foot-long gator chomped onto Joey's arm.

Some parents would be frozen into passive horror. Some parents would run for help. Not Joseph, who walked right up to the vicious beast and started punching the crap out of it.

"I didn't want to get into a tug-of-war with the gator," Joseph said. "I didn't want my son's arm ripped off."

Eventually, the animal decided that the pummeling wasn't worth a quick snack, and let Joey go. The child had some cuts, but more importantly had his arm. The hero father sustained no injuries, NPR reported, "except for a bruised right hand," which is basically the most hardcore thing we've ever read.

Wildlife officials killed the alligator. Joseph probably would've done it himself, but you can only punch a giant carnivorous monster for so long without getting bored, right?

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Marty Beckerman (@martybeckerman) is the Associate Editor of Guy Code Blog

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Today's Badass: Aspiring Baker Quits Job By 'Resignation Cake'

Posted 4/16/13 4:00 pm EST by in Food, Today's Badass

cake resignation letter
Photo: Twitter

You're lucky to have a job these days, but you might not feel fortunate if you're suppressing a dream to pay the bills. Look at you, with your tucked-in Oxford shirt and your khakis and your stupid tie clip...weren't you gonna be a movie star? Or a world-famous rapper? Or something else that doesn't involve data entry?

That's the dilemma 31-year-old Chris Holmes faced. He'd always dreamed of opening a bakery, but was stuck with a nine-to-five at the U.K. Border Agency...until fatherhood made him reassess his priorities. So he submitted his resignation letter on a damn cake:

"Having recently become a father I now realise how precious life is and how important it is to spend my time doing something that makes me and other people happy. For that reason I hereby give notice of my resignation, in order that I may devote my time and energy to my family, and to my cake business..."

Sure, it's abnormal to quit your job when you've got a new mouth to feed (also abnormal: giving your two weeks notice via chocolate icing), but we applaud this guy for taking a risk. And if the business tanks, hey, the baby can just eat its red velvet birthday cards.

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Marty Beckerman (@martybeckerman) is the Associate Editor of Guy Code Blog

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Today's Badass: Senior Citizen Defeats Gunmen With Bat [VIDEO]

Posted 4/12/13 12:00 pm EST by in Today's Badass, Video

chicago burglars bat

When two Chicago men decided to rob the store Gifts and Sports at gunpoint, they didn't count on two things: An outlet called "Gifts and Sports" might contain a baseball bat, and 62-year-old owner Luis Quizhpe's ridiculous fighting skills.

Even though the burglars shot Quizhpe in the leg, causing him to lose "about a pint of blood," the senior citizen kept swinging and swinging until they ran off. "It was like the Fourth of July," Quizhpe told the Chicago Tribune. "Pow, pow, pow."

They fired 10 shots in all, but Quizhpe survived, as did his brother-in-law, who fought back with a stool and fire extinguisher. He's now considering retirement, but should give the MLB a call. Here's the incredible surveillance footage:

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Today's Badass: 80-Year-Old Man Will Climb Everest...Again

Posted 4/5/13 2:00 pm EST by in Today's Badass

Aerial View Of Mount Everest
Credit: Paula Bronstein/Getty Images

If you think you're getting too old to play a game of pick-up basketball without feeling horrible the next day, then prepare to feel even worse about yourself. Japanese senior citizen Yuichiro Miura is about to climb Mt. Everest for a third time.

Of course, Miura--who's had four heart surgeries--isn't the athletic young man he used to be. When he previously climbed Everest, he was a spry 70- and 75-year-old. Reaching Everest's peak at 80 would make him the oldest person to ever conquer the mountain.

Miura isn't just a one-trick pony either. He's skied down the highest mountains on all seven continents, and he's already making plans to ski down Cho Oyu (the world's sixth-highest mountain) when he's 85. What could possibly drive a man to endure so much at such an old age? He's just following the family tradition; his dad skied down Europe's Mont Blac at 99.

We wish Miura the best on his third attempt, even if he does make our (unmet) goal of doing 10 pushups every morning seem insignificant in comparison.

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Neal Stastny (@NealStas) is a comedian and writer in New York.

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Today's Badass: Guy Wins Lottery, Pays Rent For Entire Block

Posted 4/1/13 4:00 pm EST by in Today's Badass

Powerball Jackpot Reaches A Record $550 Million
Credit: Getty Images

If we picked the winning Powerball numbers, none of our neighbors would ever hear from us again, 'cause we'd be living in some exotic locale far, far away from their domestic squabbles and barking dogs and loud sex. But Pedro Quezada of New Jersey, who just won $338 million, must actually like his neighbors--he's covering their housing.

"He said he's going to pay the rent for everybody here on this block for at least a month or two months," a friend told the New York Daily News. "He's such a good guy."

Much to our relief, Quezada--an immigrant who grew up poor and worked his ass off running a bodega for years--will treat himself too. "I will help those in need," he confirmed at a press conference, but plans to buy "a good car--the one I like."

He's also promising to buy his wife "whatever she wants." Be careful, buddy, that could easily wind up costing more than a block's worth of rent.

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Marty Beckerman (@martybeckerman) is the Associate Editor of Guy Code Blog

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Today's Badass: Licensed Pilot, Black Belt, Armless

Posted 3/6/13 5:00 pm EST by in Today's Badass

plane
Photo via rightfooted.com

You probably can't fly a plane or deliver a flawless roundhouse kick to someone's solar plexus. Jessica Cox, however, can do both...despite being born without arms.

She put herself through high school and college by typing papers with her toes. (And you thought you were hardcore for pulling a few all-nighters.) She then got her driver's license and later her pilot's license, landing her in the Guinness Book of World Records as the first person to fly a plane without arms.

Then there's the black belt in karate. How badass is Jessica Cox? Not only could she beat you up, she'd do it without a single punch.

Cox is the subject of the new documentary "Rightfooted," which she hopes will inspire people both with disabilities and without to follow their dreams. Consider us inspired, and feeling even more ashamed of our laziness than normal.

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Neal Stastny (@NealStas) is a comedian and writer in New York.

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