Sports - Part 8

36 Best Fantasy Baseball Names For 2013

Posted 2/13/13 3:00 pm EST by Brett Smiley in Funny, Sports

Photos: Getty Images

Young outfielders Collin Cowgill (now a Met) and Mike Trout looking to see what we'll come up with.

Pitchers and catchers have finally reported, which means that fantasy baseball owners must begin brainstorming clever, vile and/or entertaining team names.You know the routine... Out with the old: Winnie the Pujols, Fister Pujols, Oscar Meyer Wieters, Carry On My Heyward Dunn, Grand Theft Votto, The Bourn Supremacy, Yu Mamma's Uggla, Honey Nut Ichiros, Morneau After Pill, Cano Soup For You, You Don't Mess With The Johan, Melky Surprise, Huston Street We Have a Problem, Hanrahan Job, It Byrnes When I Peavy, Cuddyer Straits, Fielder of Dreams, Kershawshank Redemption and Latos Intolerant. And in the with the new, after the jump! We curated the best we could find on Twitter and the Web, and added a bunch of our own.

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New Midseason Nicknames For NBA Players

Posted 2/13/13 1:00 pm EST by RG Daniels in Funny, Sports

Credit: Getty Images

NBA All-Star Weekend is right around the corner. Traditionally held slightly after mid-season, the weekend is a chance to reflect on the Association as it's played out so far. There are the usual questions surrounding the Lakers' chemistry and the Knicks' realistic chances of making the Finals. However, we decided to address the lack of creativity and absence of nicknames around the NBA. It seems that more and more players are emerging from the lower rungs and coming into their own. We love a good nickname as much as anyone, so we decided to shine a light on some of these players. Some are All-Stars, some are hard-working hustlers and we included a few who do not deserve to be left off the hook for their recent actions.

Larry Sanders is "The Inspector" as in "Inspector Gadget" as in "Go Go Gadget Arms" as in "Get the f**k outta my way so I can grab this rebound!"

Credit: Mike McGinnis/Getty Images

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Nigerian Prostitutes To Give Soccer Fans A Week Of 'Free Sex'

Posted 2/11/13 11:00 am EST by Sean Green in News, Sports

Credit: Getty Images

Normally guys root for the home team out of pride, but Nigerian men had an extra incentive this year. The Association for Nigerian Prostitutes (which actually exists) offered a week of free sex if the national soccer team won the Africa Cup, which it just did. Finally, a reason to get fired up about soccer!

Sex workers offering freebies as a reward for their sports teams winning is nothing new. During this past NBA season, porn stars Angelina Castro and Sara Jay offered free oral sex to any of their Twitter followers if the Miami Heat won the title. (And they made good on their offer, although dudes who showed up had to agree to be filmed.)

We don't know how many Nigerian guys will take advantage of the free sex--the lines might be prohibitively long, and wives are probably on high alert--but it's quite a moment in sports history. And quite a moment in the history of organized labor.

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Sean Green is a standup comedian and podcast host living in Los Angeles

Tags africa cup, angelina castro, Miami Heat, nigeria, Prostitutes, sara jay, soccer not boring, soccer sex

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The 7 Greatest NBA All-Star Celebrity Game Performances By Celebs

Posted 2/8/13 5:00 pm EST by Brett Smiley in Celebs, Sports

Photos: Jason Merritt/Getty Images, Ethan Miller/Getty Images

Most celebrities who hit the hardcourt for the NBA's annual celebrity game (modeled on MLB's Celebrity Softball Game and probably MTV's Rock N' Jock) just make the real players fall asleep. But a few, from A-listers to D-listers, have surprising athletic talent.

Next Friday will mark the game's 10th anniversary--for which Trey Songz, Ne-Yo and reigning MVP Kevin Hart will suit up--so we're looking back on the top celeb performances. (Honorable mentions to "Guy Code" alums Vinny Guadagnino and Common.)

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Today's Dumbass: MLB Star Gets DUI While Driving To Buy Lottery Tickets

Posted 2/8/13 4:00 pm EST by Sean Green in Funny, Sports, Today's Dumbass

Credit: Thornton Police

Colorado Rockies first baseman Todd Helton's recent arrest for drunk driving gave us one of the greatest celebrity mug shots of all time. And, it turns out the mug shot isn't the most embarrassing part of Todd Helton's DUI.

The worst part of his arrest is why he was driving in the first place. According to Yahoo Sports, Helton, CURRENT PROFESSIONAL ATHLETE, was driving to the gas station near his house to buy lottery tickets! There's no good reason to drive drunk, but at least Charles Barkley was trying to score oral sex when he got his DUI.

Most would argue that by getting paid millions of dollars to play baseball for a living, Helton has already won the lottery. He isn't some scrub either. Baseball Reference.com estimates the All Star's career salary at over $150 million. That kind of money can buy a mansion, a Bentley with chauffeur and an ass load of lottery tickets.

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Sean Green is a standup comedian and podcast host living in Los Angeles

Tags Baseball, colorado rockies, drunk driving, DUI, mugshot, todd helton

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The 10 Most Disliked Athletes' Most Redeeming Qualities

Posted 2/8/13 10:15 am EST by Brett Smiley in Funny, News, Sports

Photos: Getty Images

Even the most rotten, loathsome athletes possess some positive quality. For example something that makes you say, "I'd like to gouge his face with a salmonella-infested spork, but dammit, he was really nice to that sweet old lady."

Forbes recently released its 2013 list of America's Most Disliked Athletes, which is "based on the latest public surveys from Nielsen Sports and market research firm E-Poll." But what are we -- the fans, observers and members of the media -- if we can't recognize a silver lining, a wrinkle of pleasantness or charity? Unforgiving and cold, maybe.

Not buying it? We're not sure either, but we've already committed to finding each athlete's redeeming quality, so let's do this s***.

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Code Breakers: Jay Cutler Proposes By Text, Mails The Ring?

Posted 2/7/13 5:00 pm EST by Guy Code Staff in Code Breakers, Relationships, Sports

Credit: Getty Images

Valentine's Day is swiftly approaching, and tons of guys are preparing to pop the question. If you're one of 'em, try to do it in the same damn zip code as your girlfriend. Because NFL quarterback Jay Cutler is currently underneath an avalanche of ridicule after fiancee (she said yes!) Kristin Cavallari told E! News:

"It was so silly. I was in the airport, leaving Chicago. We had just spent however many days together and we were texting and somehow it came up, like, 'Oh, shall we get married?' We're like, 'Yeah, OK.' And then he sent my ring in the mail. So I actually had my ring sitting at home for a couple of weeks before I put it on."

Now, before we pile on, it should be noted that Cutler and Cavallari were previously engaged, and reconciled after a breakup. Also, Cavallari has walked the quote back:

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The Least Authentic Rivalries In Sports History

Posted 2/5/13 2:00 pm EST by RG Daniels in Sports, The Show

Credit: Antenna/Getty Images

A great sports rivalry (Sox/Yanks, Ali/Frazier, Duke/UNC) is marked by the level of competition and the caliber of insults. But sometimes rivalries are phony, calculated media creations designed to generate ratings. Years from now, will we really be talking about Lakers/Kings as much we talk about Lakers/Celtics? Probably not.

You can spot the Hype Machine when one team (or individual) dominates the other, and the "rivalry" comes out of nowhere without any history. Here are some examples of sports rivalries that weren't.

For more on rivalries, watch "Guy Code" tonight at 11/10c on MTV2

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6 Lessons Learned From This Year's Superbowl Commercials

Posted 2/4/13 2:00 pm EST by Guy Code Staff in Funny, Most Popular, Sports, Video

Every year on Superbowl Sunday, America's biggest brand-names spend millions of dollars to teach viewers something about their products. Usually, the lesson is something like Doritos are awesome, or that if you buy a Chrysler, Clint Eastwood will personally fix America. However, some this year's best advertisements went deeper and taught us life lessons for being real men.

1. Don't fight a farmer. They are superhuman.

God created a race of beings that look like us and dress like us, but outperform us in every way. They are known as farmers. Don't pick a fight with one in a bar, unless you want an archangel knuckle sandwich.
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Tags Best, Commercials, Deion Sanders, Funny, Super Bowl, Video

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LaMarr Woodley Talks About On-Field Smack Talk

Posted 2/1/13 5:00 pm EST by Ryan McKee in MTV2, Sports, The Show, Video

Pittsburgh Steeler's All-Pro outside linebackerLaMarr Woodley has been playing football long enough to know a thing or two about smack talking. He uses it to get inside the heads of opposing offense linemen and quarterbacks, just like most guys on the field do.

According to him, no topic is off-limits in the NFL. It's not like the wimpy NBA, where a player flies off the handle for hearing that his wife tastes like Honey Nut Cheerios. However, there are some guys who really over-do it and later things "may get resolved" in a shopping mall. LaMarr has seen it. Watch the video to learn more.