Welcome to GUY CODE, the official blog of MTV2's "Guy Code" series and your online destination for all things dude, including—but not limited to—irreverent commentary on sports, hip-hop and ladies. Stay awhile and flex your manhood.
Baseball games last so long that the players are bound to get a little hungry.
During a game against the Seattle Mariners, Prince Fielder chased down a foul ball that landed in the crowd. It was a long run for Fielder, who, let's be honest, is a fatty. Fielder must have felt he deserved a snack after that workout, so he stole a nacho from a fan before running back to first base.
Stealing food from a complete stranger is usually a bad idea and definitely against Guy Code. But Prince Fielder isn't your typical guy. He lives under the Famous Fat Guy Code that says you can steal a small amount of food from a stranger because they will think it's funny. That's not a bad way to live.
Arrests, failed drug tests...Honey Badger don't care! Tyrann Mathieu has put his college troubles behind him and stepped up big time for the Arizona Cardinals, including a game-sealing tackle against the Lions last week. Meanwhile, the Saints are 2-0 but haven't covered a spread bigger than six since the 2011 season. Tyrann Mathieu and Patrick Peterson are a force to be reckoned with, and will leave a mark on Drew Brees and the Saints.
St. Louis Rams At Dallas Cowboys
As a diehard Philadelphia Eagles fan, I frequently refer to the Cowboys as the "Dallas Cowgirls," and with good reason: Like most girls, they're tough to figure out. They can't decide if they want to be a slightly above average team, or slightly below average, and are once again on pace for an 8-8 season for the third year in a row. However, they're coming off a loss and will rebound against the Rams.
Philip Rivers torched the Philadelphia Eagles for 35.9 fantasy points in week two, consistently hooking up with safety blanket tight end Antonio Gates. His wife Tiffany (left) has provided similar reliability off the field. The Titans defense will slow Rivers a little, but he's still good for 24.5 points. Even as a mother of six, Tiffany's still an 8.0, bringing their total to 32.5.
Alex Smith looked sharp against the Cowboys, racking up 26.2 points, surprising fantasy owners with the impressive use of his legs. "Impressive legs" is just one of the many compliments you could pay to his smoking hot wife Elizabeth Barry (right). With such a knockout, it's no wonder that Smith is prone to concussions. Elizabeth scores a 9.5 and Smith will light up the Eagles for 32, bringing them in at 41.5.
Fantasy football can be a great way to stay in touch with friends and make even the most inconsequential football game exciting. It can also be a great way to destroy your friendships and make you distraught over the outcome of a Jaguars vs. Oakland game, even though you're a Giants fan.
Like all good things in life, moderation is required -- or else fantasy sports will destroy your real life. Here are signs that it's time to watch a TV drama or sitcom instead...
1. You've Become An Expert At Microsoft Excel
Making a spreadsheet for the draft (and creating your own complicated formula to rank potential starters) is one thing, but keeping it updated all year is a little much. At least now you've got skills that can get you an office job, so you'll have something else to do with your time besides reading Matthew Berry columns.
2. You Think Everyone's Against You
After two people in your league make a trade for a player you wanted, you suspect they're doing it just to spite you. You accuse them of plotting to work together to keep you out of the playoffs. Eventually your paranoia becomes so great that you accuse Larry Fitzgerald via Twitter of intentionally dropping a pass because it hurts your team.
When your favorite team loses a game, you'll blame dubious factors from "bad luck" to corrupt refs. But if they keep losing year after year, there's only one person you'll blame: The know-nothing, greedy, egomaniac owner. And often you'd be correct, as Playboy's Smoking Jacket explains in this history lesson on incompetent rich guys in pro sports...
Jeffrey Loria: Montreal Expos (1999-2002) / Miami Marlins (2002-present)
If you are looking for a man to come into your city and run your baseball team into the ground, Jeffrey Loria is your guy. He's done it twice already. Loria will buy your team and hold taxpayers hostage, refusing to bring pay for top talent until a new stadium is built, all the while flirting with other markets. No wonder he’s the most hated man in baseball.
Charles Comisky: Chicago White Sox (1901-1931)
Comisky was a famed cheapskate who nickel-and-dimed his own players so severely they grew to hate the man. The players' distaste for Comisky's miserliness directly led to eight of them throwing the 1919 World Series for some extra dough -- provided by mobsters who bet against them. It's the biggest scandal in Major League history and Comisky's legacy.
It's been only nine months since the puck dropped for the 2012-2013 NHL season, but thankfully we're under three weeks from the start of a new, full regular season. Not bitter, Gary Bettman, just saying, because fantasy hockey players have to step up their games to sharpen some clever new team names.
Once again, out with the old: Fresh Prince of Brière, No Country for Old Beauchemin, Never Go Full Kopitard, Weekend at Bernier's, She Slobbered My Nabokov, Koekkoek For Cocoa Puffs, Don't Fehr the Reaper. And in with the new...
Football season is upon is, which means weekly parties, bar crawls, tailgating and sharing binoculars with your boys in the nosebleed seats. Then there's your girlfriend, who might not seem totally down for the cause. Here are some signs that she doesn't really love sports -- she just doesn't want to be single.
1. She Miraculously Loves The Same Team As You
You: "Do you like sports?" Her: "Yes!" You: "What's your favorite team?" Her: "Um...what's yours?" You: "[Your team]." Her: "Mine too!"
Yeah, if you had that conversation when you two started dating, she's no fan. She's Mrs. Me Too.
2. Her "Football Outfit" Is Color-Coordinated
If your girlfriend wears the "away" jersey at a home game -- and her pants, shoes and purse all match it -- then she doesn't care about AstroTurf. She cares about "Project Runway."
3. She Always Cooks While The Game's On TV
Anyone who genuinely cares about the game does not want to be stuck in the kitchen, marinating chicken wings or "freshening up" the potato chip bowls, unless it's a commercial break. If she's a true sports fan, she won't be hellbent on standing over her oven while the Super Bowl is happening.
Kansas City is known for its great ribs, but unfortunately for Cowboys fans, the same can't be said for quarterback Tony Romo, who suffered another injury in week one. The Cowboys are 3-7 against the spread after covering the week previous, which they barley did against the Giants, even with the help of six turnovers. The Cowboys have been consistently inconsistent in the Jason Garrett era, and this is setting up to be a classic letdown game after their nice win against New York.
Miami Dolphins At Indianapolis Colts
Call me Paris Hilton because I love small dogs, except when they are playing the Indianapolis Colts. Indy was an amazing 7-1 ATS last year at home, and even though they failed to cover against the Oakland Raiders, they won't underestimate the Miami Dolphins. Andrew Luck will lead the Colts to another dramatic fourth-quarter comeback as the Colts cover with a game-winning field goal.
Kara Conrad (left) may enjoy slugging beers out of a camouflage cup, but there's no hiding why a stud WR like Brian Hartline would make her his go-to gal. Hartline was a steal in the fantasy draft this year, and showed his value by scoring 17.4 points against the Browns. His hot streak will continue this week against the Colts -- I'm guessing Hartline will up his total to 18.5, and a babe like Kara is worth 10.0, for an impressive total of 28.5.
What does Brooke Stewart (right) have in common with the state of Arizona? They're both linked to Larry Fitzgerald and they are both insanely hot. Brooke Stewart is a smoking 9.5 (had to deduct 1/2 point for the animal-print lingerie), while Fitzgerald doubled her total and then some, putting up 20.0 fantasy points week one. He'll dominate the Detroit defense this week, and I got him going for an insane 24.5, totaling a ridiculous score of 34.0.
The NFL has a new Run Series this season to encourage fans to exercise more (that way you can consume more chicken wings and beer on Football Sundays). At various stadiums around the country, runners (and some walkers) completed a 5K this Saturday. The route is around the mostly-empty stadium parking lot and surrounding roads -- not the most scenic jog. However, you end the race on the actual field to the cheers of ... a few moderately-interested onlookers, but it's still a cool experience.
I participated in the Jets-sponsored run at MetLife Stadium. Getting to walk out on the field early in the morning, with very few people around is kind of overwhelming. I can't imagine being out there when it's full off (oft-angry) shouting fans in green. However, Saturday morning, a large group of hopeful Jets fans showed up to get a jogger's high before their couch-potato Sunday, and you could feel the excitement ... and even hope for the new season, despite Mark Sanchez still being on the roster. And hey, Geno Smith might just keep the starting job now.
It was a very family friendly event. Even though there was a "tailgate party" promised to the runners, I saw no beer, no grilled meat and no Cornhole. Hell, I didn't even see a fat guy sitting on the tailgate of his truck. To me, without those items, you cannot call it a tailgate. Also, I expected the Flight Crew Cheerleaders to be at the finish line, cheering us on. I swear I saw a photo of that happening at another one of the NFL Runs, but I can't find it now. Maybe I dreamed it? Anyway, there were two Crew members on hand for photos.
Check their schedule and if the NFL Run Series is coming to your town, get your lazy ass down there and do something healthy.