Credit: Daniel Parks/Flickr
College football: Amateur athletics at its finest, with true gameday excitement on both the field and in the bleachers. So much better than the overly-sanitized NFL, right? Sure, except for the fact that, unlike the NFL, the concession stands can't legally sell beer at virtually all college football stadiums across America.
Watching college football is fun, but not for four sober hours. Thus, you're gonna have to learn how to sneak beer and/or booze into the big game. Please allow me to teach you. (And, if you're gonna break stadium rules, don't also break the law. You must be 21 years old or older to read this post.)
1. Be Uninhibited
If you were a well-raised boy like I was, you might be sheepish about breaking rules, even stupid ones you don't agree with. Thus, you're going to have to figure out a way to lose that meddlesome inhibition. Hmmm...what should we do? I know, how 'bout drinking a little of our liquor stash in the parking lot beforehand? You can even call it "tailgating," if you don't want to feel like a total f**k-up.
2. Pack Wisely
You're going to want to utilize drinking vessels that are easily and efficiently brought into the stadium. A giant 40-ounce glass bottle of malt liquor? Negative. Minuscule airline-sized "nips" of 100-proof Irish whiskey? Now we're talking. A simple rule of thumb is to opt for plastic over aluminum and aluminum over glass, in order to pack the most punch. Do you really want to go to all this effort for the pleasure of having a few "lite" beers at your seat?
3. Dress For Success
You're also going to need to know what garments are good for smuggling in contraband. You may love your team, but gym shorts and full body paint aren't your best bet...unless that body paint is actually alcohol-based and slowly entering your body through your pores, hmmmm.
Instead, with fall and winter approaching, opt for baggier wares: Hooded sweatshirts and jackets (toss a few beer cans in the hood), out-of-fashion cargo pants with undetectable pockets for stashing tiny bottles and flasks, perhaps even sturdy undergarments so you can smuggle your booze package right next to your, uh, package package.