Sports - Part 4

Today's Dumbass: Man Sues Derrick Rose For Making Him Fat

Posted 4/22/13 11:00 am EST by Sean Green in Sports, Today's Dumbass

Derrick Rose
Credit: Jared Wickerham / Getty Images

Though Derrick Rose got medically cleared to play more than a month ago, he has still yet to do so, which understandably frustrates Chicago Bulls fans. What we can't understand is why Matthew Thompson, 25, of Peoria, Illinois believes he's entitled to damages.

Thompson claims that, by refusing to play, Rose has caused him emotional distress and mental breakdowns, which have led to obesity issues. Essentially, Matthew Thompson believes Derrick Rose is financially responsible for his fatness.

Are we to believe that if Derrick Rose were playing, this Chicago sports fan would be in amazing shape? When the Bulls were winning titles in the '90s their fans weren't exactly celebrating by chowing down on tofu. If Chris Farley and the Super Fans were around, they'd surely describe this as "Da Bull s#!%."

Matthew Thompson, you've broken Guy Code for creating a public record of your emotional eating, and for suing the best Chicago Bull since Michael Jordan.

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Sean Green is a standup comedian and podcast host living in LA

Tags Chicago Bulls, Derrick Rose, fan sues derrick rose, Michael Jordan, NBA

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The Greatest NBA Playoff Press Conference Outbursts

Posted 4/19/13 11:00 am EST by Sean Green in Sports, Video

lebron
Credit: Getty Images

The NBA playoffs are known for defense, and it doesn't stop on the court. These press conference videos highlight players' and coaches' abilities to defend, reject and outright shut down reporters.

1. Avery Johnson

A good defense is the best offense, and Avery Johnson nails it here by putting the reporter on the hot seat. Johnson had every right to be upset; the 2006 NBA Finals were officiated by Tim Donaghy, the ref who went to jail for betting on games.

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27 Tattoos Of NBA Players [Photos]

Posted 4/18/13 2:00 pm EST by Adam K. Raymond in Photos, Sports, Tattoos

kobe2 Photo: Sports Mashup

Some fans wear jerseys, some fans wear hats and some fans wear body paint. Far fewer fans get tattoos for their favorite teams, and fewer still get inked in honor of their favorite players. But those who do prove a dedication that surpasses the rest of us. Today, we celebrate those fanatical fools with tattoos of NBA players, some legends and some nowhere close.

Tracy McGrady

T-Mac had a chance to be one of the best ever. Most people thought he never reached that potential. This dude is not most people.

tracy-mcgrady
Photo: Hooped Up

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Best Rosters For 3-on-3 Olympic Basketball Teams

Posted 4/16/13 1:00 pm EST by RG Daniels in Funny, News, Sports

olympics-bball
Credit: Getty Images

ESPN recently reported the International Olympic Committee is mulling over the idea of three-on-three hoops. We lit up at the possibility and immediately put together our dream teams of three. Of course, we could take the easy way out and simply break down Team USA or pair them with their NBA teammates, but WHAT FUN IS THAT? Instead, we worked with a few simple rules:

#1: No member of (what we will assume will be) Team USA can compete in three-on-three. Yep, sorry LeBron and D-Wade--you manipulated NBA free agency, but you will not control the entire universe of b-ball.

#2: They have to be American or from their country of origin. We avoided such traps as putting together a Lithuanian team of three 'cause let's face it, if we did, you wouldn't even read past this sentence.

#3: We ignored positions and just slapped together three players according to how we see them fitting together. We barely paid attention to their skills at all, instead focusing ont their looks, situations, personalities, etc.
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Tags Basketball, hoops, NBA, Olympics

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5 Reasons Why Jay-Z Will Make An Awesome Sports Agent

Posted 4/16/13 12:00 pm EST by Sean Green in Hip-hop, Sports

Jay-Z Sports Agent
Credit: Getty Images

Jay-Z recently announced that he's selling his share in the Brooklyn Nets to pursue his NBA agent certification. His company, Roc Nation, has partnered up with CAA to form Roc Nation Sports, a heavyweight hitter of athlete management firms. Here are five reasons why we're convinced Jay-Z will dominate as a sports agent.

1. He Knows How To Close A Nine Figure Deal

Jay-Z secured $150 million from Live Nation in 2008, even after his 2007 album "American Gangster" failed to go multi-platinum. A $150 million deal after a disappointing performance? Can you imagine what he could get Manti Te'o?

2. Access To The Entertainment World

Rappers want to be athletes and athletes want to be rappers. Sure, Scott Boras can get you a contract, but can he score you studio time with the best hip-hop producers in the world? Shaq, Chris Webber, Kobe Bryant and Metta World Peace all would've gladly accepted (and benefited from) Jay-Z's rap mentoring.

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Zack Greinke Should Have Tackled Carlos Quentin

Posted 4/12/13 2:15 pm EST by Brett Smiley in Sports, Video

greinke

When Padres outfielder Carlos Quentin charged the mound last night, pitcher Zack Greinke (who'd just plunked him) sustained a fractured left collarbone in the bench-clearing brawl. This presents a virtual explosion of Guy Code topics: When does a player have grounds to charge the mound? For how long can a guy play the "hold me back!" routine before he ought to (1) stop that or (2) throw a fist?

Regardless, it didn't have to end this way. Greinke should've tackled Quentin's ass.

Let's examine the facts. Quentin has been hit by 42 pitches since 2011, leading all of Major League Baseball. Last night's HBP marks the third time Greinke hit Quentin, so they have a bit of a history, although Greinke claimed it was unintentional. Anyhow, Quentin took a step toward the mound, at which point Greinke might've said something, and then it was game on.

It looked like Grienke would use the Kyle Farnsworth two-legged takedown, until he just leaned in with his left shoulder and absorbed a big check from Quentin. It's understandable that the pitcher didn't want to break his throwing hand, but delivering a (likely collarbone-breaking) check made no sense! This isn't bumper cars!

Greinke had only a split-second to decide, but why not go for the tackle? In what other scenario would you body check a man charging at you!? We're not asking for a Nolan Ryan-style Robin Ventura head lock and beat down...just something more than a shoulder blow.

For that matter, Quentin started this thing and the best he had was a shove? Neither one of them threw a punch? We're not mad, just disappointed. Supposedly this was a brawl, yet hockey players they are not. Watch the video after the jump and judge for yourself.

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What You Can Learn From The Masters (If You Don't Play Golf)

Posted 4/12/13 1:00 pm EST by Aaron Goldfarb in Sports

The Masters - Round One
Credit: Andrew Redington/Getty Images

With this weekend's arrival of The Masters Tournament, most guys will...probably just ignore it, and leave the viewing to their golf-obsessed fathers. But perhaps they shouldn't. These touring professionals can teach you a lot about how to succeed in life.

1. Stay Cool

They don't sprint or fly through the air like other athletes, but for a golfer to win The Masters, he's gotta thrive in the highest of high-pressure situations. You try banging home a thirty-foot putt to save par. Never getting nervous in the face of stress is the key to raking in cash, or just approaching that one hot girl in class.

2. Show Off

On the course it's just the golfer and his ball...oh, and massive galleries of fans standing just a few feet away. That doesn't rattle a skilled golfer's nerves, but rather drives him to excel. You can either wilt in front of a crowd, or feed off its energy and make 'em admire you. Bring the same panache to your next game of bar darts.

Tags Golf, Guys, Sports, The Masters

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The Feelings & Faces Of Manchester United's Phil Jones

Posted 4/11/13 4:00 pm EST by Jim Tews in Funny, Photos, Sports

PhilJonesMain Credit: Paul Ellis/Getty Images

Guys don't like to express a lot of emotion. We prefer stoicism over showing the outside world how we're feeling. And truth be told, we don't feel much of an emotional range beyond anger, happiness and indifference.

But one guy who has no problem showing his feelings is Manchester United's Phil Jones. The British are known for keeping their composure, but Jones doesn't follow that tradition. His face might as well be big block letters that spell out his mood. If you have trouble expressing your own feelings, just show people the corresponding Phil Jones picture.

PhilJonesFeelings-Indifferent

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How To Explain Sports Rivalries To Your Girlfriend

Posted 4/9/13 3:00 pm EST by Kara Klenk in Funny, Ladies, Sports

161940019_2 Credit: Getty Images

If your girlfriend likes sports, congratulations, you lucked out. Unfortunately, a lot of girls could care less about Duke vs. North Carolina or the Packers vs. the Bears. They just don't understand how storied rivalries make those games more important. So here are a few ways to break it down for her.

Kobe Bryant vs. LeBron James

Two of the best NBA players of all time. Everyone loves to argue which is better. Kobe has more championships under his belt, but LeBron's ever-improving skill set is unmatched.

How to explain it to her: It's like Meryl Streep and Anne Hathaway. Yes, Meryl has more Oscar noms and wins, but she's been at the game a lot longer, and some would say the competition in Anne's generation is much stiffer. Nevertheless, Anne is on her way to the same level of success, so it remains to be seen who'll end up on top...as long as Anne tones down her acceptance speech hyperventilation.

Peyton Manning vs. Tom Brady

These two have almost identical statistics, so it's hard to make an argument for either one's superiority. Brady has been to more Super Bowls and won more playoff games, but Manning's fans would point out that Brady had stronger teams built around him.

How to explain it to her: OK, remember in "Sister Act 2" when Whoopi Goldberg's choir has to perform in tattered overalls against all these polished teams in flashy costumes from churches with money? It's kinda like that, only both of these churches have TONS of money. One has a little more, though, and gets better-trained nuns and choir directors, so it's that much harder for Lauryn Hill & Co. to win the title. Yeah, Petyon Manning is Lauryn Hill in this analogy.

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How To Survive The Football Off-Season

Posted 4/8/13 11:00 am EST by Zachary Sims in Funny, Sports

Super Bowl XLVII - Baltimore Ravens v San Francisco 49ers
Credit: Christian Petersen/Getty Images

With the Super Bowl long behind us and a new season still months away, these are truly the dog days for the NFL fan. Here's a look at some ways you can satiate your football needs without having to fill the void by doing stupid things like talking to your family.

1. Get Super Into Mock Drafts

Occupy your time with football's most pointless obsession. Become an expert on your future third-string long snapper. Do some research and find out who that middle linebacker from San Diego State is dating--should she affect whether or not you draft him? Also, try to determine, once and for all, which incredible hair product Mel Kiper is using.

2. Brainstorm Your Fantasy Football Name

In a mere five months you and your buds will be drinking beer, eating wings and pretending you aren't just playing the non-geek's version of "World of Warcraft." Make sure this year you aren't stuck with "Doug's Dynamos." Think inside jokes or pop culture references. Come up with a few backup options. You don't want to show up and be the fourth guy calling your team "Jon Hamm's Penis."
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Tags Brett Favre, Fantasy Football, Mel Kiper, Mock Drafts, NFL, Offseason

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