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5 Reasons Why Jay-Z Will Make An Awesome Sports Agent

Posted 4/16/13 12:00 pm EST by in Hip-hop, Sports

Jay-Z Sports Agent
Credit: Getty Images

Jay-Z recently announced that he's selling his share in the Brooklyn Nets to pursue his NBA agent certification. His company, Roc Nation, has partnered up with CAA to form Roc Nation Sports, a heavyweight hitter of athlete management firms. Here are five reasons why we're convinced Jay-Z will dominate as a sports agent.

1. He Knows How To Close A Nine Figure Deal

Jay-Z secured $150 million from Live Nation in 2008, even after his 2007 album "American Gangster" failed to go multi-platinum. A $150 million deal after a disappointing performance? Can you imagine what he could get Manti Te'o?

2. Access To The Entertainment World

Rappers want to be athletes and athletes want to be rappers. Sure, Scott Boras can get you a contract, but can he score you studio time with the best hip-hop producers in the world? Shaq, Chris Webber, Kobe Bryant and Metta World Peace all would've gladly accepted (and benefited from) Jay-Z's rap mentoring.

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Zack Greinke Should Have Tackled Carlos Quentin

Posted 4/12/13 2:15 pm EST by in Sports, Video

greinke

When Padres outfielder Carlos Quentin charged the mound last night, pitcher Zack Greinke (who'd just plunked him) sustained a fractured left collarbone in the bench-clearing brawl. This presents a virtual explosion of Guy Code topics: When does a player have grounds to charge the mound? For how long can a guy play the "hold me back!" routine before he ought to (1) stop that or (2) throw a fist?

Regardless, it didn't have to end this way. Greinke should've tackled Quentin's ass.

Let's examine the facts. Quentin has been hit by 42 pitches since 2011, leading all of Major League Baseball. Last night's HBP marks the third time Greinke hit Quentin, so they have a bit of a history, although Greinke claimed it was unintentional. Anyhow, Quentin took a step toward the mound, at which point Greinke might've said something, and then it was game on.

It looked like Grienke would use the Kyle Farnsworth two-legged takedown, until he just leaned in with his left shoulder and absorbed a big check from Quentin. It's understandable that the pitcher didn't want to break his throwing hand, but delivering a (likely collarbone-breaking) check made no sense! This isn't bumper cars!

Greinke had only a split-second to decide, but why not go for the tackle? In what other scenario would you body check a man charging at you!? We're not asking for a Nolan Ryan-style Robin Ventura head lock and beat down...just something more than a shoulder blow.

For that matter, Quentin started this thing and the best he had was a shove? Neither one of them threw a punch? We're not mad, just disappointed. Supposedly this was a brawl, yet hockey players they are not. Watch the video after the jump and judge for yourself.

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What You Can Learn From The Masters (If You Don't Play Golf)

Posted 4/12/13 1:00 pm EST by in Sports

The Masters - Round One
Credit: Andrew Redington/Getty Images

With this weekend's arrival of The Masters Tournament, most guys will...probably just ignore it, and leave the viewing to their golf-obsessed fathers. But perhaps they shouldn't. These touring professionals can teach you a lot about how to succeed in life.

1. Stay Cool

They don't sprint or fly through the air like other athletes, but for a golfer to win The Masters, he's gotta thrive in the highest of high-pressure situations. You try banging home a thirty-foot putt to save par. Never getting nervous in the face of stress is the key to raking in cash, or just approaching that one hot girl in class.

2. Show Off

On the course it's just the golfer and his ball...oh, and massive galleries of fans standing just a few feet away. That doesn't rattle a skilled golfer's nerves, but rather drives him to excel. You can either wilt in front of a crowd, or feed off its energy and make 'em admire you. Bring the same panache to your next game of bar darts.

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The Feelings & Faces Of Manchester United's Phil Jones

Posted 4/11/13 4:00 pm EST by in Funny, Photos, Sports

PhilJonesMainCredit: Paul Ellis/Getty Images

Guys don't like to express a lot of emotion. We prefer stoicism over showing the outside world how we're feeling. And truth be told, we don't feel much of an emotional range beyond anger, happiness and indifference.

But one guy who has no problem showing his feelings is Manchester United's Phil Jones. The British are known for keeping their composure, but Jones doesn't follow that tradition. His face might as well be big block letters that spell out his mood. If you have trouble expressing your own feelings, just show people the corresponding Phil Jones picture.

PhilJonesFeelings-Indifferent

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How To Explain Sports Rivalries To Your Girlfriend

Posted 4/9/13 3:00 pm EST by in Funny, Ladies, Sports

161940019_2Credit: Getty Images

If your girlfriend likes sports, congratulations, you lucked out. Unfortunately, a lot of girls could care less about Duke vs. North Carolina or the Packers vs. the Bears. They just don't understand how storied rivalries make those games more important. So here are a few ways to break it down for her.

Kobe Bryant vs. LeBron James

Two of the best NBA players of all time. Everyone loves to argue which is better. Kobe has more championships under his belt, but LeBron's ever-improving skill set is unmatched.

How to explain it to her: It's like Meryl Streep and Anne Hathaway. Yes, Meryl has more Oscar noms and wins, but she's been at the game a lot longer, and some would say the competition in Anne's generation is much stiffer. Nevertheless, Anne is on her way to the same level of success, so it remains to be seen who'll end up on top...as long as Anne tones down her acceptance speech hyperventilation.

Peyton Manning vs. Tom Brady

These two have almost identical statistics, so it's hard to make an argument for either one's superiority. Brady has been to more Super Bowls and won more playoff games, but Manning's fans would point out that Brady had stronger teams built around him.

How to explain it to her: OK, remember in "Sister Act 2" when Whoopi Goldberg's choir has to perform in tattered overalls against all these polished teams in flashy costumes from churches with money? It's kinda like that, only both of these churches have TONS of money. One has a little more, though, and gets better-trained nuns and choir directors, so it's that much harder for Lauryn Hill & Co. to win the title. Yeah, Petyon Manning is Lauryn Hill in this analogy.

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How To Survive The Football Off-Season

Posted 4/8/13 11:00 am EST by in Funny, Sports

Super Bowl XLVII - Baltimore Ravens v San Francisco 49ers
Credit: Christian Petersen/Getty Images

With the Super Bowl long behind us and a new season still months away, these are truly the dog days for the NFL fan. Here's a look at some ways you can satiate your football needs without having to fill the void by doing stupid things like talking to your family.

1. Get Super Into Mock Drafts

Occupy your time with football's most pointless obsession. Become an expert on your future third-string long snapper. Do some research and find out who that middle linebacker from San Diego State is dating--should she affect whether or not you draft him? Also, try to determine, once and for all, which incredible hair product Mel Kiper is using.

2. Brainstorm Your Fantasy Football Name

In a mere five months you and your buds will be drinking beer, eating wings and pretending you aren't just playing the non-geek's version of "World of Warcraft." Make sure this year you aren't stuck with "Doug's Dynamos." Think inside jokes or pop culture references. Come up with a few backup options. You don't want to show up and be the fourth guy calling your team "Jon Hamm's Penis."
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Unhinged Stevie Johnson Hopes North Korea Will Nuke Foxboro

Posted 4/5/13 12:00 pm EST by in Code Breakers, News, Sports

Seattle Seahawks v Buffalo Bills
Credit: Tom Szczerbowski/Getty Images

Smack talk is an important part of sports. It amps up rivalries and adds a bit of motivation to compete. In modern times, though, insults lobbed on Twitter can, ahem, explode into a mushroom cloud of bad judgment. Case in point: Buffalo Bills' WR Stevie Johnson.

You might remember Johnson as the guy who, two years ago, mimicked Plaxico Burress shooting himself in the leg after catching a touchdown. Yesterday, Johnson provoked the New England Patriots, their fans, AND (wait for it) North frikkin' Korea, risking an international incident with this tweet:

stevie johnson n korea

Look, Stevie, we understand the desire to fire yourself up for your division rival. They've beaten your ass the past 12 times. Maybe you could leave nuclear warfare out of it, though? You're a professional athlete, so wishing supreme death on a fan base is a direct violation of Guy Code. Keep the trash talk trashy, not murderous.

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RG Daniels (@RGDaniels) is a comedian and writer in Brooklyn, NY.

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Ways To Embarrass Yourself At The Gym

Posted 4/4/13 6:00 pm EST by in Funny, Sports

gym
Credit: Miroslav Georgijevic

There's zero chance of public embarrassment by installing a pullup bar in your doorway, but it won't get you ripped all over (see photo above), so you need to hit the gym. Over at BroBible, comedian Jared Freid from MTV's "Failosophy" helps you minimize the shame by avoiding these mistakes:

Wear Gloves

If you need gloves, a weight belt, wrist wraps or any other device, then there is a part of your body that is not strong enough to lift that weight; hence, YOU are not strong enough to lift that weight.

Give Advice

Unless your shirt says "trainer" on it, don't talk to me. The Men's Health you read on a plane does not make you an expert. Please just stare and judge like a normal person.

Carry A Gallon Jug

How much water are you going to drink over the course of an hour? There must be a gallon jug workout that I didn't know about where you carry it around the perimeter of the gym while wearing a sleeveless shirt and shaking your head in agreement with some person you are never with.

Give Body Compliments

"Nice traps, man," "You're crushing those lats, dude," "The biceps are getting big, buddy," "You're getting lean, brosef," "Sweet penis!"

MORE: "9 Ways To Embarrass Yourself At The Gym"

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Marathons & Races Only An Idiot Would Run

Posted 4/4/13 3:00 pm EST by in Sports

antarctic marathon
Credit: AFP/Getty Images

Winter's over, which means it's marathon season...not like weather matters to lunatics who run in Antarctica. We admire any guy who builds up his endurance to peak condition, but you'd be better off hitting the treadmill than competing in these events collected at Dumb As A Blog:

Antarctic Marathon and North Pole Marathon

Sub-zero temperatures, extreme winds and the promise of running on ice floes. If you're truly insane, you can choose the 62.1-mile ultra marathon. To train for these events they recommend running on treadmills in giant industrial freezers. If that's not dumb, we don't know what is.

Marathon du Medoc

With 23 wine stations along the 26-mile route, this marathon in the Bordeaux region of France doesn't skimp on stupidity. There's also a drunken pasta party the night before and foie gras, oysters and cheese to nibble during your run. The first one to finish without gaining 50 pounds wins!

Zombie Obstacle Course Race

It's a 5K you can participate in that involves running away from unemployed actors in cheap makeup. Comes with an "Apocalypse Party," featuring hula hoop competitions and games of musical chairs.

MORE: "10 Marathons And Races Only An Idiot Would Run"

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7 Baseball Manager Flip-outs [GIFS]

Posted 4/4/13 2:00 pm EST by in Funny, GIFs, Sports

Wally Backman

Home runs are cool, but the two most exciting things in baseball are the bench-clearing brawl and the manager meltdown. In a brawl, the best part is when the fat-ass manager gets involved. With baseball season starting, we have a long summer of getting to watch managers lose their s**t. To prep, here are some GIFS of our favorite meltdowns.

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