Welcome to GUY CODE, the official blog of MTV2's "Guy Code" series and your online destination for all things dude, including—but not limited to—irreverent commentary on sports, hip-hop and ladies. Stay awhile and flex your manhood.
As another NBA season comes to a close it's time to look back on what we've learned. Not about zone defenses or pick and roll execution, but what has this season taught us about Guy Code? Here's five of the biggest fails and how we can be better dudes because of them.
Leave The Ladies Out of It
Credit: Elsa/Getty Images
It's one thing to talk trash to your friends. It's a good time to make fun of their clothes, their car or their stupid, ugly face. It's another thing when girlfriends/wives enter the equation. Kevin Garnett learned this during a Knicks-Celtics game, after he allegedly told Carmelo Anthony that his wife "tasted like Honey Nut Cheerios."While this may seem like a tremendous compliment (who wouldn't want a nice big bowl of bee-sponsored goodness?), 'Melo didn't see it that way. He waited by the Celtics bus to handle business WWE style.
Lesson: Keep your trash talking on the surface or at least compare their lady to something super-tasty like Captain Crunch. Mmm…Captain Crunch…
"Surf House" is a new online reality series that follows four professional surfers (two males, two females) who live together in Hawaii's North Shore. Think "Real World" meets "Blue Crush." Mitch Crews, Michael Dunphy, Alisha Gonsalves and Bree Kleintop are all trying to become household names in the surfing world.
Alisha and Bree are absolutely gorgeous. They're enough to make any man give up land-loving and swim with sharks. However, as we know from living with female roommates, Mitch and Michael can't sleep with them. It gets messy as hell. Watch how Mitch (seemingly an old pro with ladies) keeps Alisha at arms-distance, which only seems to make her want it more.
Baseball is the national past time for many reasons. It's a pastoral game that began on the fields of farmland and created some of our country's first sports heroes. It's also the only major sport that anybody can play and be super-fat (aside from offensive lineman, but that's a special case). As this year's season gets into full swing we take a look at the best of the best in baseball's fatties. Warning: This post is not for those sensitive to fat jokes.
Don't act like you didn't watch this show. You loved it and watched it religiously. Sure, it probably scarred you emotionally to see all those bodybuilders in leotards, but the emotional scarring didn't matter because "American Gladiators" was that awesome.
Think it wasn't dangerous, with all those pads and helmets? Consider the fact that it was originally hosted by Joe Theismann. That's a bad sign. If your host is an expert on career-ending injuries, prepare for some pain. Prepare to see the bone.
Here are the legendary "American Gladiators" events that truly brought the ruckus.
1. The Human Cannonball
It should be called the Human Wrecking Ball, because you swing toward the gladiator and try to demolish his brick-s***house of a body. Unfortunately, the Human Cannonball was banned in Season 5, and for good reason. Just ask Malibu in the video above, who required stitches for an eyebrow gash.
Back in the mid-'90s, "Street Fighter II" was the most popular video game around, and it spawned countless imitators...perhaps none more infamous than Shaq's "Shaq-Fu," which pitted the basketball legend against various supernatural monsters from another dimension. Which actually sounds awesome in theory, but not so much in execution.
Making a sequel would be as ludicrous as making a sequel to "Kazaam," but Shaq has registered a trademark for something called "Shaqfighter." What the hell is this? Could it possibly be a long-awaited (by nobody) follow-up? Geekosystem is on the case...
Most dudes have been going to baseball games since they were in short pants. When you were a kid, you went with your family, and if you were lucky, you got to take some friends. When you turned 21, you learned the luxury of drinking an $8 warm Bud Light. And now that you're older with a job, you've learned what it's like to sit in the "not-cheap seats."
The problem is baseball hasn't upheld its title as "America's Game." It can be tough get your friends to go with you to the park. That's fine. It's OK to go by yourself. You can even have a dope time. Just follow these rules for going to the game alone.
Don't Eat For Three
When you go to a game with your boys, you can chug ballpark franks all you want. Hell, you can snort mustard if you want. Nobody cares. It's just dudes being dudes. If it's just you getting down on $40 worth of food, no one around you is going to be hungry. And as for beer, this should go without saying: never get tanked by yourself. Read More...
Never hustle. Hustling only leads to tired legs, sweaty brows and in the case of Major League outfielders, embarrassing face plants in front of 40,000 people.
Washington Nationals wunderkind Bryce Harper is the latest outfielder to sprint head on into an immoveable object. It happened last night in LA and the immediate aftermath is above. Harper, known for his balls-(and now face!)-to-the-wall hustling, was immediately taken out of the game with blood running down his neck.
Don't feel sorry for him though. That's what he gets for hustling. One would think that outfielders have learned by now that loafing and not flattening your face is better than trying hard and hitting the DL. They haven't though and here are the GIFs to prove it. Most of these are from the past few years, with one classic thrown in at the end. Let them all serve as a reminder of the horrors of hustling.
A thousand years ago, if men wanted to settle a dispute, they put on suits of armor, grabbed their swords and fought to the death. (If one man looked at another man's horse the wrong way, they also fought to the death.) Those were nasty, violent times, and now we're more civilized.
However, the manly art of sword-fighting has been revived--safely--with Battle of the Nations, a medieval-themed competition between groups of the bravest guys from 22 different countries. Each dude wears a full suit of armor and carries a blunted sword to inflict pain without cutting his opponent. A competitor is considered "dead" when three body parts touch the ground simultaneously.
This might be the greatest idea for a tournament ever, and it's happening again this weekend. The U.S. joined last year and came in fourth, but maybe this year we'll unseat reigning champion Russia. Whichever team you root for, here are some videos that show why you need to get into this sport.
Being a sports fan is hard work. Unless you're in one of the five cities where all the champions come from (we're looking at you, coasts), you're stuck rooting for a lost cause just because that's where your parents decided to bone. Some cities are such sports failures, they should just quit and let their citizens become Yankees fans so they can be happy for once. Here are five cities that need to do everybody a favor and call it quits.
The last team in Cleveland to win a title was the Browns and there wasn't even a Super Bowl yet. (That was back when pregnant woman smoked cigarettes.) Their baseball team's mascot is pretty racist, their football team is so boring its logo is just a lame helmet, and the greatest basketball player of our generation wanted out of there so badly he didn't care if kids burned his jersey in the street.
Sure, the Chargers' powder blue uniforms are badass. That's about where it ends as far as cool things about San Diego sports. Total major professional teams in the city's history: Three. Total number of titles: Zero.
You've got the Pacific Ocean, bitchin' beaches, surfing and one of the best climates in the world. Just do everybody a favor and ship your teams to Iowa. They really need something to do out there.
As he exhibited once again last night, Manu Ginobili is a stone cold, dead-eye assassin. His game-winning three pointer in double overtime against the Warriors came minutes after he bricked a horrible three off the front iron. But Manu doesn't think about the past. He's got, as the great Bill Raftery would say, ONIONS.
He's also got the best bald spot in the NBA. In the picture above, taken not long after he ruined Steph Curry's night, Manu shows off his glistening pate with no shame. It's as if he's saying, "Yes, I'm bald. But I'll still drain a three right over your hair-having head." As a tribute to Manu, we look back at his magic chrome dome through the years.
A year and a half ago Manu's bald spot was about the same size as it is today but it hadn't yet given up the ghost. If you look closely you can see a thin dusting of wispy hair hanging on for dear life. Those lost of hair-hicans have since called it quits.