Welcome to GUY CODE, the official blog of MTV2's "Guy Code" series and your online destination for all things dude, including—but not limited to—irreverent commentary on sports, hip-hop and ladies. Stay awhile and flex your manhood.
Some guys dream big, work hard and sacrifice everything to achieve their goal of becoming professional MLB mascots. That dude in the Green Monster costume? He didn't get there by luck alone. Other guys, well...they've got some talent -- not just anyone can amp up a crowd -- but they didn't quite make the cut. And now they have to put "Modesto Nut" or "Montgomery Biscuit" on their résumé forever. At least, as Dumb As A Blog proves with this gallery, they can entertain us with mockery, if not enthusiasm.
Trent Richardson's struggles have allowed Donald Brown to step in and make a name for himself in Indy, averaging 12.9 fantasy points over the past four games. You may still be able to pick him up in some of your deeper fantasy leagues, and he's a solid start this week against Arizona, as I predict he'll put up 8.5 pts. One person whom you won't be able to pick up is his beautiful babe of a wife, Mallory, who's easily a 9.5, bringing their total to 18.
Montee Ball only ran the ball eight times against the Chiefs on Sunday night. The good news for fantasy owners is two of those carries were for touchdowns. This week, he's matching up against a New England defense coming off a physical loss against Carolina on a short week. He's only caught five passes out of the backfield this year, so it's easy to say his greatest snag has been girlfriend Ann Marie Jahnke. He can fill out your fantasy lineup (9.5 pts) and Ann Marie can fill out out a formal dress (9.5 pts) for a total of 19.
All guys love to slide down staircases. We discover this treat as boys, master it as teenagers (seeking more and more extreme skateboard videos) and occasionally sneak a quick one in manhood, although we feel a little guilty to still do it at our age. But we try to be discrete. We don't just whip it out in the middle of a football stadium.
Unless you're the guy who fell from the upper deck at yesterday's Bills-Jets game. As you can see in the video below, this genius slid down (and then off) the Ralph Wilson Stadium's guardrail, taking a massive 30-foot plunge. Miraculously he survived with only a shoulder injury, and the man he landed on survived as well. The Bills won the game 37-14, so we can see this becoming a new lucky tradition.
Authorities haven't said whether alcohol was involved, because do they really need to?
New Orleans has won and covered convincingly in all five of its home games and it's tough to believe things will change against the 49ers this Sunday. Never a good sign when your safety blanket could be out with a concussion, which is what Colin Kaepernick is facing with Vernon Davis likely out. Kaepernick's QBR this season is 81.7 with Davis, 13.1 without him. Meanwhile the Niners defense will need a exorcist to slow down Drew Brees who's playing like a man possessed.
Kansas City Chiefs At Denver Broncos
Andy Reid is an amazing 13-1 coming off a bye week and will need that extra time to prepare against this vaunted Denver offense. Denver however is missing their head coach John Fox and instead turn to Jack Del Rio who is 7-12 ATS when his team is favored by more than 7 points. Cold inclement weather is expected Sunday night combined with injuries means it could be a long night for Peyton Manning. Losing money leaves a poor taste in your mouth, so make the right choice and chose Big Red.
Case Keenum was not on anyone's fantasy radar at the beginning of the year, and for good reason: He was the third-string QB for the Houston Texans. However, injuries and poor play pushed him into the starting role, where he's become the Snow White (a beautiful sleeper) of the AFC South, averaging 24.9 fantasy points per game. His wife Kimberly is the lei-wearing babe on the left, whom I'll score a 9.0, combined with Case's projected score of 27 against the Raiders for a total of 36.
Josh McCown is another former backup QB turned legitimate fantasy option. He's not going to light up a defense, but a 16.94 fantasy point per average is a decent option if your QB is on a bye week. "Da-Babe!" is what any Bears fan would call McCown's smoking hot wife Natalie. She's a 10, combined with my McCown projection of 18.5 against the Ravens for a 28.5 point total.
Victor Cruz is one of the most dynamic wide receivers in the NFL, and we were lucky enough to talk with him a few days before the Giants beat the Oakland Raiders on Sunday. (Could that just be a coincidence, or are we just good luck?) He told us about the Giants' involvement with Movember, the most bizarre athletic superstition he's ever heard/smelled, and why you don't wanna be at the bottom of the pile during a fumble.
Last week, David Ortiz and Shane Victorino shaved their beards at Gillette's World Shaving Headquarters in Boston. When you were on playoff runs, did the team ever do any mutual ritual like that?
Honestly, no. I'd say we were so caught up in what we were trying to do on the field that we didn't even pay any attention or have time to do something like that. But I think everyone is pretty on board for Movember this year. For some strange reason, everyone is doing this. It's interesting to see.
Is anyone on the team having a particularly hard time growing out their mustache?
I'm going to go with Prince Amukamara. He's trying. He's kind of having a tough time. It kind of grows in little waves. It grows in on an angle a little bit. He's got to get it cleaned up. He's trying. You got to give him credit. ... He's riding with that wave, so you can't be mad at him.
Are you also growing a mustache for Movember?
I am. I am actually growing a full goatee. It's coming in pretty good. ... It's getting cold, so a little more hair never hurt.
Do you have any superstitions or rituals that you stick with?
Not really superstitions, more so my routine. I guess having my routine would be somewhat superstitious. Just having my regimen, getting into the hot tub at this time, taking a shower, getting a massage, get my ankles taped, throwing with Eli. Doing my routine every week has been essential for me.
It's Movember, and to celebrate we tracked down a man with a 'stache so classy, they named a course at Harvard after it: Mr. Mike D'Antoni, head coach of the L.A. Lakers. The team is not expected to do much this year, unless Kobe miraculously hits the floor. Furthermore, after the Dwight Howard fiasco, we're not so sure how D'Antoni will be hanging on to his job much longer. For now, though, D'Antoni is the coach. And his 'stache inspired us to put together these memes of him showing you how to keep a job.
The Oakland Raiders made NFL history this past Sunday when they allowed Nick Foles to throw for seven TD passes, losing to the Eagles 49-20. Horrible news for Raiders fans, but great news for gamblers, because one of the strongest trends in the NFL is when a team underperforms the spread by more than 21 pts and is an underdog the following week. Plus, the Raiders are going up against Eli Manning, who should consider opening a bakery with his 17 turnovers.
Fantasy owners everywhere are kicking themselves for not starting Nick Foles last week. He amassed seven TDs in an historic performance against the Oakland Raiders. Granted, it was the Raiders and after a record-tying game you can only go down, but I still have Foles putting up 25.5 against the Packers coming off a short week. Foles's lady friend Tori Moore, a former Arizona volleyball player (who, like Nick, has a love of spiking) is a real babe. I'll serve her up a score of 9.0 for a total of 34.5.
At 19.16 fantasy points per game, Jake Locker has been a serviceable fantasy player when he hasn't been injured. If there's one thing that's bound to get you healthy, it's playing the Jacksonville Jaguars at home. I predict Locker will air it out racking up 27 fantasy points against the hapless Jags. Now, what about his wife, Lauren...is she from Tennessee? No, but she's still the only 10 I see in this match-up, bringing their total to 37.
Cleveland Cavaliers point guard Kyrie Irving, last seen selecting Melanie Iglesias as his "Woman Crush Wednesday," has something in common with Johnny Knoxville: They both love disguising themselves as old men and pranking the public. In Irving's case, it comes in the form of crushing dismayed "younger" dudes on the court, as his geriatric persona Uncle Drew. He's still looking to put his geezer all-star team back together and stops in Chicago, where he finds his old point guard "Lights," who currently plays trumpet in an underground jazz club.
Chris Distefano tells you all about it in this week's "What's Good" segment: