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Currently, in countless bars, homes, and "man caves" around America, men are gathering for a yearly ritual: their league's fantasy football draft. But, though some 15 million Americans are said to participate in fantasy football, I am not one of them. In fact, I find it incredibly boring. No, I'm not some hipster weirdo who hates sports. In fact, I love football, have begrudgingly played fantasy football numerous years in my past and eagerly await the upcoming (actual) season. I just have no interest in fantasy football because countless things about it are truly boring.
Many people hail the draft as the most fun part of playing fantasy football. A bunch of your best buddies gathered around a giant table for an interminable amount of hours, their laptops flapped open, a pile of papers nearby, a cache of beer and booze laid before them and piles of food to satisfy their every whim. This is an enjoyable way to spend your weekend? No one has ever been enjoying a night out drinking and thought, "Man, this would sure be a lot more fun if there were no women around and we all had our laptops here so we could rank placekickers."
How Arbitrary It Is
Maybe 25 years ago, before the internet existed, fantasy football was actually somewhat enjoyable. Something that took some skill in ranking the point-scoring potential for hundreds of places over the upcoming season. But nowadays, there is pretty much a universal consensus of who you should be drafting. #1 pick? Adrian Peterson is a lock. Likewise, you'd be stupid to take a quarterback in the first round. A cricket-loving foreigner could show up at your draft day party and, so long as he had internet access, do just as well as your football-obsessed self does. And, if he's lucky enough to fall into a higher draft position than you...he'll probably do better. You sadly know it's true. Read More...
Beer Pong is a right of passage for every American bro and brodette, dating back to when our Founding Fathers tossed sheep bladders into Solo goblets to determine who'd be our first president. (Look it up.) But what if you've mastered the sport and are ready for a new challenge? Look no further, because here are five drinking games that make beer pong look like wine cooler pong...
We can't get away from the coverage of A-Rod, nor can we ignore the return of Walter White on "Breaking Bad." Therefore, our brains have mashed the two together, making us realize they have more in common than we ever saw. In fact, the similarities seem uncanny. Below, we've listed the career arcs of both men, which overlap in strange, monumental ways. (There are SPOILER ALERTS, if you're still catching up on B-Bad.)
A-Rod hits first home run, appears with Derek Jeter on the cover of SI Walt teams up with Jesse Pinkman and cooks his first batch of meth
A-Rod hits 100th home run, earning his reputation as a serious player Walt offs rival dealer Krazy 8, earning his reputation as "Heisenberg"
A-Rod signs MASSIVE contract with the Texas Rangers for 10 years, $252 million Walt and Pinkman steal a barrel of methylamine, ensuring long-term fiscal security
Football is back! Well, not quite yet, but gambling on football is in full swing with Las Vegas already taking action on NFL season win totals. Gambling on NFL win totals allows you to get invested in teams that otherwise would be completely irrelevant, like the Arizona Cardinals.
Plus, the payoff or loss on season win totals is so far in the distant future, it almost feels like investing in the stock market. So, when your girlfriend asks, "You're not from Jacksonville...why are you watching the Jaguars game?", simply respond, "Because I care about our financial future, babe."
Going against America's team? You bet I am. The Cowboys are coming off back-to-back 8-8 seasons with a quarterback coming off of back surgery. Jerry Jones continues to make baffling coaching moves with his hiring of defensive coordinator Monte Kiffin. If you have to resign a job for fear of being fired by your own son, maybe you're no longer a defensive genius. It's no better for head coach Jason Garret, who has been stripped of his play-calling duties and should focus his free time on learning the Heimlich maneuver for the impending Tony Romo choke job.
Mock drafts are for four-eyed stat nerds -- make your fantasy picks based off of NFL players' fantasy chicks.
Welcome back to "Fantasy Picks & Chicks," in which I combine a player's average fantasy points per game with the hotness score of his wife or known girlfriend to create the ultimate foolproof fantasy ranking system. It's been a while, so let's dive right in...
Aaron Rodgers & Destiny Newton (Left): Last year, Aaron Rodgers racked up 26.29 fantasy points per game. And speaking of racks, check out Destiny Newton! Mel Kiper's big board could barely contain this busty first-rounder, so I'll give her a 9.5 for a combined 35.79.
Drew Brees & Brittany Brees (Center):Drew Brees scored an average 26.72 fantasy points per game in a year when his team was decimated because of Bounty Gate. I'm sure most opposing defenders would be happy to take out his wife, Brittany, on a nice date. She's cute, but a little too wholesome for my taste. I'll give her an 8 for a total of 34.72.
Tom Brady & Gisele Bundchen (Right):Tom Brady scored 25.39 per game for fantasy owners. Tom scored off the field when he locked down his dream girl Gisele Bundchen. (Finally, someone he can share a pair of Uggs with!) Gisele is a 10, but gets downgraded to a 9 for throwing Wes Welker under the bus, bringing their total to 34.39.
You might think Mormon missionaries look a little nerdy with their white shirts and ties, riding bikes around your neighborhood. But making snap judgements like that can get you into trouble -- particularly if you challenge them to a game of pick-up basketball.
The video below is proof that clean living pays off, at least when it comes to three-pointers. As one guy says, "Don't let the shirt and tie fool you." Next time a couple dudes want to speak to you about the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, hear 'em out about their religion and then ask for tips on how to dunk.
Sometimes the seemingly interminable pace of baseball games leads to the best highlights in sports. These highlights often come from the announcers getting bored and looking for some action in the stands. At a recent Mets vs. Royals game at Citi Field, the announcers found a battle as intense as any on the field.
The camera captured a man with giant arms struggling to open a water bottle. We have to admit that we probably couldn't open this water bottle either. Just look at the size of that guy's arms! Still, not being able to open a water bottle kind of makes all the working out fruitless. If, for some reason, you can't watch this video with sound, here's the play-by-play:
"Here's the wind up and the twist...strike one."
"Looks like he's going to the jeans now to get some extra power. It's a change in technique he's been working on down in AAA."
"Here's the windup and the twist...strike two."
"Now he's back to the bare-handed technique. He's showing a lot of frustration here. It seems like the pressure of the big stage might be getting to him."
"Let's see how this goes...strike three."
"What's this? He's going for it again, but changing hands!"
"Now, that's illegal."
"He'll probably be penalized from the league for this. This is just a sign of a man who lacks the discipline and maturity you need to make it in this league."
If your football team has ever lost a home game because it was chosen to play in the NFL's annual game in London, you're painfully aware that the NFL is trying to expand its presence overseas. Well, the English Premier League (that's soccer) has similarly reached a saturation point in its country and is trying to expand to the States.
There won't be an Arsenal v. Manchester United game in the U.S. next year, but you can now watch the EPL on NBC Sports. To get America prepped for this football-for-football trade, NBC made a video of Jason Sudeikis as "Ted Lasso," an American football coach who goes to England to train soccer (er, football) players. If the EPL proves to be as entertaining as this promo, it should do very well.
Photos: Ronald C. Modra/Getty Images, Al Pereira/Getty Images
'Tis the season to be drafting your fantasy football team and, more importantly, coming up with funny or obnoxious or clever or offensive team names. Ideally some combination of all four. Offseason activities -- particularly those of Aaron Hernandez -- have given plenty of fodder to those looking for material for a good team name. Not judging.
Already Anthony Weiner's "Carlos Danger" alter-ego has already been beaten off to death by fantasy players, so we won't bother dropping that moniker below. We've also steered away from derivations of Manning, Rodgers, Brees and other established players. Also, adios to: I'm a Man, I'm Forte!, It's On Like Ndamukong, Titus Young and the Restless, I Pitta the Fool, Forgetting Brandon Marshall and Gronk If You're Horny. Without further ado, we've once again curated the best fantasy names we could find on the Web for the just-about-here NFL season, and added in a bunch of our favorites.