Welcome to GUY CODE, the official blog of MTV2's "Guy Code" series and your online destination for all things dude, including—but not limited to—irreverent commentary on sports, hip-hop and ladies. Stay awhile and flex your manhood.
The football season's winding down, and that means fantasy football's ending even sooner. How are we supposed to live if we can't attribute fake points to actions we have no control over? Never fear, sports nerds, here are some alternative fantasy games to fill that void 'til fantasy golf season starts up again.
1. Fantasy Guys' Night Out
Before you hit the town with your boys, pick one of 'em as your fantasy player for the evening. Come up with a point system for his actions: Points given for drunken hugs, drunken fights and 20-minute conspiracy theory tirades. Automatic win if your player hooks up at the end of the night.
2. Fantasy Your Job
Going to your job is the worst of all the worsts, but make it more fun by selecting the most annoying guy at the office and seeing how many points he can rack up. Points are given for sending you a "funny" e-mail forward, making lame "Case Of The Mondays" jokes and getting yelled at by the boss for incompetence. Also: 10 points for every hour your player spends on Facebook.
Earlier this month, Michael Jordan was spotted playing beer pong in Miami. The world's all-time greatest basketball player appeared to have solid form -- even if he did illegally cross the line with his elbow -- but it got us thinking: What other, current athletes might be great at the frat house's most popular sporting competition? We had some ideas.
1. Rob Gronkowski
The NFL's most beloved party animal looks like the kind of guy who probably already has a $20,000 custom-made beer pong table in the basement of his opulent mansion...and who practices on it a lot.
2. Stephen Curry
This NBA sharpshooter has hit for a startling 44% from the three-point arc (and 90% from the line!) over his brief career, which would make a table-long toss a piece of cake. Having said that, the stick-thin Curry is probably a bit of a drinking lightweight, so challenge him later in the evening once he's had a few.
3. Mariano Rivera
Baseball's all-time greatest reliever just retired a few months ago, but let's make an exception for "Mo." With just one pitch -- a cutter -- that was always deftly accurate, we bet he'd have no trouble consistently getting the ball into a tight opening. And since this devoutly religious man doesn't imbibe, his pong partner will have to shoulder all the drinking load for him.
On Thanksgiving it's important to take a moment and be grateful for all the things that bring us joy like football, gambling and the one year anniversary of Mark Sanchez's butt fumble.
Green Bay Packers At Detroit Lions
A great NFC North match-up on Thanksgiving Day...if only John Madden were alive to see it. Wait what? The Green Bay Packers have struggled to find a consistent offense with the injury to Aaron Rodgers, who is out again this week. Detroit has struggled as well, but Megatron's knee is almost 100% and Matt Flynn is no match for Matt Stafford. Much like your drunk uncle the Green Bay Packers will be predictably disappointing on Thanksgiving.
Oakland Raiders At Dallas Cowboys
The Cowboys have won back to back games only once this year and a lot of that credit goes to Philadelphia Eagles' third-string QB Matt Barkley. They're coming off a win against the New York Giants and are primed for a let-down game against the feisty Oakland Raiders. Meanwhile the Oakland Raiders are like Clifford, an awesome big dog, going 3-1 ATS when getting 7 - 13.5 points.
You don't need an advanced mathematics degree to succeed at fantasy football. Instead use our patented formula, which accounts for a player's ability to score on the field and off.
Matthew Stafford Vs. Tony Romo
Photos: Getty Images
O say can you see...how amazing Kelly Hall looks in an American flag bikini. Yes, Matthew Stafford's girlfriend is a knockout who has a knack for keg stands, and it would be unpatriotic to give her anything but a 10. Not only does Stafford have a mega-babe for a girlfriend, he also gets to throw to a Megatron every Sunday, which has helped his fantasy average to a super high 24.5. I predict he'll light up the Packers' defense, and in honor of his girlfriend's bikini top I'll give him a 34 for a staggering 44 pt couple total.
Tony Romo and Stafford have a lot in common. They both play every Thanksgiving, they both put up great fantasy numbers, they both have huge contracts, they both are 6-5 and they both have struggled to succeed in the postseason. Luckily, playoff wins aren't a deal breaker for super hot blondes. Candice Crawford, a former Miss Missouri and current Mrs. Romo, is a 9.5 on my scorecard. Tony Romo, a.k.a. Mr. November, will put up a solid 22.5 against the Raiders for a total of 32.
Chris Distefano from "Guy Code" is your replacement physical trainer, thanks to our video series "Chrissy D's Muscle Couch," but we doubt you'll try all of his athletic activities. Specifically, his pickup basketball team (featuring Vinny Guadagnino) has more slammed d*cks than slam dunks. We don't expect "Shorts & Skins" to replace "Shirts & Skins" on every court, nor do we expect a women's league to form anytime soon, as funny as it is:
Guys love football and women, but often these loves must be appreciated separately. Sometimes, though, ladies possess encyclopedic knowledge of the game, which is liable to make a dude's head explode with joy. (The one with a brain in it, we mean.)
That's why comedian Ray DeVito spent a day at New York City's Met Life Stadium, quizzing female fans -- and Gotham City Cheerleaders -- on their NFL knowledge. He left impressed, and some of them even surprised themselves with their correct answers:
Professional wrestling is perhaps the most polarizing form of entertainment known to man. It's a TV show, yet people have been known to hide their fandom like an alcoholic hides his flask. Sadly, many fans are embarrassed to be identified as such, afraid that someone will blindly, arrogantly dismiss the medium as "stupid" or "for children."
Before I go on, let me address wrestling's most time-honored criticism.
Yes, yes it is. Anyone with a modicum of intelligence is well aware that the outcome of any wrestling show is predetermined. But guess what? The same can be said for each episode of "Modern Family," "Homeland" or "Rizzoli & F*cking Isles." Professional wrestling is a scripted athletic sideshow that, at its best, is a gripping, dramatic and often hilarious broadcast.
Is it always good? Hell no. On the last "Monday Night Raw," while the awesome main event featured modern day standouts like CM Punk and Daniel Bryan, it also featured a segment that was, well, an in-ring game of musical chairs. Gripping? Dramatic? More like dogsh*t. Sadly, WWE often presents segments would make an existing fan bury their head in the sand, and that could in no way convert a detractor.
But I, as a true fan, never throw the proverbial baby out with the bathwater.
After giving up four sacks and four INTs against the Bills the Jets and Geno Smith are four-point dogs going up against the four-win Baltimore Ravens. Fortunately for the Jets they are 4-0 ATS and straight up after a loss this season. Unless you count their trip to Dave & Buster's, scoring on the road has been a major problem for the Jets. However, Ravens defense has been really suspect. The Ed Reed revenge aspect is the final key to making you Mayor of Lock City.
Jacksonville Jaguars At Houston Texans
Fans booed him, fans burned his jersey and fans cheered his injury, so here's the real question: was Gary Kubiak high when he decided to play Matt Schaub? Kubiak may not of been high but this week's spread certainly is, in fact it's the highest line for a 2-8 team ever. If there's one thing the Jaguars do, it's cover historically high spreads. They did against the Denver Broncos. The Jaguars may stink, but you know who else stunk? 'The Garbage Picking Field Goal Kicking Philadelphia Phenomenon' and he scored me a ton of cash!
Some guys dream big, work hard and sacrifice everything to achieve their goal of becoming professional MLB mascots. That dude in the Green Monster costume? He didn't get there by luck alone. Other guys, well...they've got some talent -- not just anyone can amp up a crowd -- but they didn't quite make the cut. And now they have to put "Modesto Nut" or "Montgomery Biscuit" on their résumé forever. At least, as Dumb As A Blog proves with this gallery, they can entertain us with mockery, if not enthusiasm.
Trent Richardson's struggles have allowed Donald Brown to step in and make a name for himself in Indy, averaging 12.9 fantasy points over the past four games. You may still be able to pick him up in some of your deeper fantasy leagues, and he's a solid start this week against Arizona, as I predict he'll put up 8.5 pts. One person whom you won't be able to pick up is his beautiful babe of a wife, Mallory, who's easily a 9.5, bringing their total to 18.
Montee Ball only ran the ball eight times against the Chiefs on Sunday night. The good news for fantasy owners is two of those carries were for touchdowns. This week, he's matching up against a New England defense coming off a physical loss against Carolina on a short week. He's only caught five passes out of the backfield this year, so it's easy to say his greatest snag has been girlfriend Ann Marie Jahnke. He can fill out your fantasy lineup (9.5 pts) and Ann Marie can fill out out a formal dress (9.5 pts) for a total of 19.