Welcome to GUY CODE, the official blog of MTV2's "Guy Code" series and your online destination for all things dude, including—but not limited to—irreverent commentary on sports, hip-hop and ladies. Stay awhile and flex your manhood.
Everyone knows that star QBs can score big-time babes, but "game managers" seem to be doing pretty well, too. Alex Smith's wife Elizabeth is a former Oakland Raiders cheerleader and a current 9.5. Smith has been sneakily productive in fantasy this year, averaging 19.25 points per game, and I predict that he'll have a big game against his wife's former employer, the Raiders. Smith goes for 24.5 to bring their combined couple score to 34 pts.
Basketball might be the only sport where the street version's better than the pro version, and one of the reasons is streetball's kickass nicknames. Wouldn't you want to be an awesome streetball player with an equally awesome nickname? Of course you would, but how do you know your nickname isn't embarrassing and terrible? Here are 15 that won't exactly intimidate your opponents on the court.
For many fans, the price of admission is an invitation to send a message -- to an opposing team, player, Oregon's cheerleaders, and so on. I'll wait a second for those of you weirdly attracted to blonde, Liza Minnelli-ish Eli Manning (you may have forgotten, Eli pulled a diva-move and refused to play for San Diego when he they drafted him, but the Chargers faithful clearly have not).
Just like we did last year, and the year before that, and the year before that, we've collected the greatest sports fan signs and listed them in no particular order. In this year's edition, we're very heavy on the #GameDaySigns submissions. These run the gamut from elaborate artistry to likening a conference to fecal matter. Not judging.
"Defense wins championships" doesn't normally apply to fantasy football, but a pick six from your D could be the difference in securing you a playoff birth. Green Bay's defense has looked atrocious the past four weeks, but Matty Ice will be no match for the Frozen Tundra, and I got the Packers D going for 12.5. Speaking of cool, Clay Matthews's girlfriend Kristi Stalter is a stone-cold fox, scoring a 9.0 and bringing their combined total to an even 21.5.
Detroit stuffed the scoreboard with points last week beating up on the Green Packers 40-10 on Thanksgiving Day. A big meal causes a food coma and a big win causes a football coma, Detroit is 0-3-1 ATS after winning by more than 14 points. The Eagles have won four in a row with the league's leader QB in efficiency Nick Foles, who has an insane QB rating of 125.2. Looks like Eagles fans won't have to waste their boos on the home team and can instead focus their efforts on booing Santa Clause.
Dallas Cowboys At Chicago Bears
Tony Romo can't deliver in December. Tony Romo is the Anti-Santa Clause. Over his career, he's 11-15 in the month of December and is going into Chicago on "Monday Night" facing an expected game time temp of 19 degrees and high winds. Dallas' defense is dead last in the league allowing 421.6 yards per game and will have trouble matching up against the dynamic Bears receivers.
The football season's winding down, and that means fantasy football's ending even sooner. How are we supposed to live if we can't attribute fake points to actions we have no control over? Never fear, sports nerds, here are some alternative fantasy games to fill that void 'til fantasy golf season starts up again.
1. Fantasy Guys' Night Out
Before you hit the town with your boys, pick one of 'em as your fantasy player for the evening. Come up with a point system for his actions: Points given for drunken hugs, drunken fights and 20-minute conspiracy theory tirades. Automatic win if your player hooks up at the end of the night.
2. Fantasy Your Job
Going to your job is the worst of all the worsts, but make it more fun by selecting the most annoying guy at the office and seeing how many points he can rack up. Points are given for sending you a "funny" e-mail forward, making lame "Case Of The Mondays" jokes and getting yelled at by the boss for incompetence. Also: 10 points for every hour your player spends on Facebook.
Earlier this month, Michael Jordan was spotted playing beer pong in Miami. The world's all-time greatest basketball player appeared to have solid form -- even if he did illegally cross the line with his elbow -- but it got us thinking: What other, current athletes might be great at the frat house's most popular sporting competition? We had some ideas.
1. Rob Gronkowski
The NFL's most beloved party animal looks like the kind of guy who probably already has a $20,000 custom-made beer pong table in the basement of his opulent mansion...and who practices on it a lot.
2. Stephen Curry
This NBA sharpshooter has hit for a startling 44% from the three-point arc (and 90% from the line!) over his brief career, which would make a table-long toss a piece of cake. Having said that, the stick-thin Curry is probably a bit of a drinking lightweight, so challenge him later in the evening once he's had a few.
3. Mariano Rivera
Baseball's all-time greatest reliever just retired a few months ago, but let's make an exception for "Mo." With just one pitch -- a cutter -- that was always deftly accurate, we bet he'd have no trouble consistently getting the ball into a tight opening. And since this devoutly religious man doesn't imbibe, his pong partner will have to shoulder all the drinking load for him.
On Thanksgiving it's important to take a moment and be grateful for all the things that bring us joy like football, gambling and the one year anniversary of Mark Sanchez's butt fumble.
Green Bay Packers At Detroit Lions
A great NFC North match-up on Thanksgiving Day...if only John Madden were alive to see it. Wait what? The Green Bay Packers have struggled to find a consistent offense with the injury to Aaron Rodgers, who is out again this week. Detroit has struggled as well, but Megatron's knee is almost 100% and Matt Flynn is no match for Matt Stafford. Much like your drunk uncle the Green Bay Packers will be predictably disappointing on Thanksgiving.
Oakland Raiders At Dallas Cowboys
The Cowboys have won back to back games only once this year and a lot of that credit goes to Philadelphia Eagles' third-string QB Matt Barkley. They're coming off a win against the New York Giants and are primed for a let-down game against the feisty Oakland Raiders. Meanwhile the Oakland Raiders are like Clifford, an awesome big dog, going 3-1 ATS when getting 7 - 13.5 points.
You don't need an advanced mathematics degree to succeed at fantasy football. Instead use our patented formula, which accounts for a player's ability to score on the field and off.
Matthew Stafford Vs. Tony Romo
Photos: Getty Images
O say can you see...how amazing Kelly Hall looks in an American flag bikini. Yes, Matthew Stafford's girlfriend is a knockout who has a knack for keg stands, and it would be unpatriotic to give her anything but a 10. Not only does Stafford have a mega-babe for a girlfriend, he also gets to throw to a Megatron every Sunday, which has helped his fantasy average to a super high 24.5. I predict he'll light up the Packers' defense, and in honor of his girlfriend's bikini top I'll give him a 34 for a staggering 44 pt couple total.
Tony Romo and Stafford have a lot in common. They both play every Thanksgiving, they both put up great fantasy numbers, they both have huge contracts, they both are 6-5 and they both have struggled to succeed in the postseason. Luckily, playoff wins aren't a deal breaker for super hot blondes. Candice Crawford, a former Miss Missouri and current Mrs. Romo, is a 9.5 on my scorecard. Tony Romo, a.k.a. Mr. November, will put up a solid 22.5 against the Raiders for a total of 32.
Chris Distefano from "Guy Code" is your replacement physical trainer, thanks to our video series "Chrissy D's Muscle Couch," but we doubt you'll try all of his athletic activities. Specifically, his pickup basketball team (featuring Vinny Guadagnino) has more slammed d*cks than slam dunks. We don't expect "Shorts & Skins" to replace "Shirts & Skins" on every court, nor do we expect a women's league to form anytime soon, as funny as it is: