Welcome to GUY CODE, the official blog of MTV2's "Guy Code" series and your online destination for all things dude, including—but not limited to—irreverent commentary on sports, hip-hop and ladies. Stay awhile and flex your manhood.
Back in the mid-'90s, "Street Fighter II" was the most popular video game around, and it spawned countless imitators...perhaps none more infamous than Shaq's "Shaq-Fu," which pitted the basketball legend against various supernatural monsters from another dimension. Which actually sounds awesome in theory, but not so much in execution.
Making a sequel would be as ludicrous as making a sequel to "Kazaam," but Shaq has registered a trademark for something called "Shaqfighter." What the hell is this? Could it possibly be a long-awaited (by nobody) follow-up? Geekosystem is on the case...
Most dudes have been going to baseball games since they were in short pants. When you were a kid, you went with your family, and if you were lucky, you got to take some friends. When you turned 21, you learned the luxury of drinking an $8 warm Bud Light. And now that you're older with a job, you've learned what it's like to sit in the "not-cheap seats."
The problem is baseball hasn't upheld its title as "America's Game." It can be tough get your friends to go with you to the park. That's fine. It's OK to go by yourself. You can even have a dope time. Just follow these rules for going to the game alone.
Don't Eat For Three
When you go to a game with your boys, you can chug ballpark franks all you want. Hell, you can snort mustard if you want. Nobody cares. It's just dudes being dudes. If it's just you getting down on $40 worth of food, no one around you is going to be hungry. And as for beer, this should go without saying: never get tanked by yourself. Read More...
Never hustle. Hustling only leads to tired legs, sweaty brows and in the case of Major League outfielders, embarrassing face plants in front of 40,000 people.
Washington Nationals wunderkind Bryce Harper is the latest outfielder to sprint head on into an immoveable object. It happened last night in LA and the immediate aftermath is above. Harper, known for his balls-(and now face!)-to-the-wall hustling, was immediately taken out of the game with blood running down his neck.
Don't feel sorry for him though. That's what he gets for hustling. One would think that outfielders have learned by now that loafing and not flattening your face is better than trying hard and hitting the DL. They haven't though and here are the GIFs to prove it. Most of these are from the past few years, with one classic thrown in at the end. Let them all serve as a reminder of the horrors of hustling.
A thousand years ago, if men wanted to settle a dispute, they put on suits of armor, grabbed their swords and fought to the death. (If one man looked at another man's horse the wrong way, they also fought to the death.) Those were nasty, violent times, and now we're more civilized.
However, the manly art of sword-fighting has been revived--safely--with Battle of the Nations, a medieval-themed competition between groups of the bravest guys from 22 different countries. Each dude wears a full suit of armor and carries a blunted sword to inflict pain without cutting his opponent. A competitor is considered "dead" when three body parts touch the ground simultaneously.
This might be the greatest idea for a tournament ever, and it's happening again this weekend. The U.S. joined last year and came in fourth, but maybe this year we'll unseat reigning champion Russia. Whichever team you root for, here are some videos that show why you need to get into this sport.
Being a sports fan is hard work. Unless you're in one of the five cities where all the champions come from (we're looking at you, coasts), you're stuck rooting for a lost cause just because that's where your parents decided to bone. Some cities are such sports failures, they should just quit and let their citizens become Yankees fans so they can be happy for once. Here are five cities that need to do everybody a favor and call it quits.
The last team in Cleveland to win a title was the Browns and there wasn't even a Super Bowl yet. (That was back when pregnant woman smoked cigarettes.) Their baseball team's mascot is pretty racist, their football team is so boring its logo is just a lame helmet, and the greatest basketball player of our generation wanted out of there so badly he didn't care if kids burned his jersey in the street.
Sure, the Chargers' powder blue uniforms are badass. That's about where it ends as far as cool things about San Diego sports. Total major professional teams in the city's history: Three. Total number of titles: Zero.
You've got the Pacific Ocean, bitchin' beaches, surfing and one of the best climates in the world. Just do everybody a favor and ship your teams to Iowa. They really need something to do out there.
As he exhibited once again last night, Manu Ginobili is a stone cold, dead-eye assassin. His game-winning three pointer in double overtime against the Warriors came minutes after he bricked a horrible three off the front iron. But Manu doesn't think about the past. He's got, as the great Bill Raftery would say, ONIONS.
He's also got the best bald spot in the NBA. In the picture above, taken not long after he ruined Steph Curry's night, Manu shows off his glistening pate with no shame. It's as if he's saying, "Yes, I'm bald. But I'll still drain a three right over your hair-having head." As a tribute to Manu, we look back at his magic chrome dome through the years.
A year and a half ago Manu's bald spot was about the same size as it is today but it hadn't yet given up the ghost. If you look closely you can see a thin dusting of wispy hair hanging on for dear life. Those lost of hair-hicans have since called it quits.
Saying the Kentucky Derby is "just a horse race" is like saying a Porsche is "just a car." Saturday marks the 139th running of this classic American sporting tradition, which is famous for crowds dressed in seersucker, drinking mint juleps and placing bets on the horses they think will make them some quick cash.
We already gave you our odds, but we figured we'd talk to an actual Kentucky Derby expert, so we called Ed DeRosa of twinspires.com. He's a real numbers guy who's been around the track for most of his life...and he knows what each kind of bet says about a man. Here's what we gleaned from his breakdown.
1. "Bet" (The Straight Shooter)
What it is: Betting a single horse to place first.
What it says: Just like this wager, you're a guy who knows what he wants and goes for it. Your confidence is a weapon and you use it well. When you see something you like, a nod is all it takes. You owe it to yourself to cash in on that bravado.
2. "Show" (The Easy Rider)
What it is: Betting a single horse for at least a third place finish.
What it says: Betting for show requires the least amount of effort on your part, which is why you dig it. You're the kind of guy who does laundry once per month--even though you only own a week's worth of clothes--and your ideal dinner is Easy Mac. You might choose your horse wisely after some research...but you also might choose it because of its badass name.
Americans think of football as the toughest sport, but let's reconsider that for a second. When two diesel linemen have beef, don't they just grab at each other's face masks until a puny ref pulls them apart? And isn't a team dentist only there to keep the players' teeth white for the cameras?
We thought so. On the other hand, when hockey players fight, they don't even wear masks, and the refs don't get in the way until they decide that one guy's face is sufficiently pulpy. Oh yeah, a hockey team's dentist is busy enough to put your kids through college, too.
The main reason hockey players aren't selling Gatorade like the rest of the jocks is that these fights leave 'em ugly and toothless. It's not fair, so we gave some of them teeth again. Gold teeth.
Guys like beer. Like, a lot. We also like sports...almost as much as beer. Combine the two and you've got a match made in Guy Heaven. Here are the sports guys play solely to get s***faced either during or immediately after.
Bowling can be traced back to the ancient Egyptians, who were probably just in it for the pitchers of beer and wings. How much do guys like beer and wings? We'll join leagues to wear embarrassing shirts and play a game that was new and exciting when Moses was around, even though videos of people getting punched by kangaroos now exist.
Hunting under the influence is terrifying. Fishing buzzed, on the other hand, is living the good life. Get out on the water, wear one of those hats with all the hooks on it...and, if necessary, use a beer cooler as a life raft.