Welcome to GUY CODE, the official blog of MTV2's "Guy Code" series and your online destination for all things dude, including—but not limited to—irreverent commentary on sports, hip-hop and ladies. Stay awhile and flex your manhood.
On Tuesday's episode of "Guy Code," the cast will talk about losing your virginity. Some of us here at Guy Code Blog are sharing our stories. #Don'tJudgeUs
My girlfriend in college was a theater major and a year ahead of me. She was outspoken, fun to hang out with and more sexually enlightened than I was, which only intimidated me THIS-F'N-MUCH!
We had been a couple for some time, but hadn't slept together. We were "taking things slow." Now that I think about it, though, she probably didn't want to move too quickly and frighten me off like a scared rabbit.
However, as a late-blooming college sophomore, I decided it was time to become a man for the second time in my life (my Bar Mitzvah was the first) and saw the upcoming Valentine's Day as the perfect opportunity.
After a nice dinner, followed by a few watered-down drinks and flat beers at a nearby bar, we headed to my dorm. I was lucky enough to have a single room. My walls were covered with posters of Allen Iverson, "The Matrix" and Rage Against the Machine, creating a mood as romantic as a clown getting hit by a car. Read More...
One of the topics discussed on Tuesday's season premiere of "Guy Code" is getting engaged. The cast will tell you how to do it... but here's a lesson in what not to do.
You love your girlfriend and you love watching sports, so why not combine both with a JumboTron wedding proposal?
Because you want to avoid the fate of these poor saps, who got rejected in front of countless viewers, including their favorite athletes. Grab a sweater and bundle up; you're about to experience some intense douche chills.
1. Rangers Fan Has Heart Checked Into Glass
Don't crowbar a Rangers reference into your proposal by calling your girlfriend a "blue-shirt bride." Also, getting down on one knee is a little more romantic than just making a gesture towards the JumboTron.
For any man in a relationship, there comes a time when he has to look at himself in the mirror and say, "Am I whipped?" It's difficult to be that honest with oneself, but Guy Code mandates it. If you need help answering, examine the available clues. Do you only spend time with her? Does her voice make you jump to attention? When you see your friends, do they call you whipped?
"Guy Code" is back for a third season (which premieres on MTV2 January 15 at 11/10c) largely thanks to its hilarious cast, but also thanks to its hilarious writers. To celebrate, we're giving you a behind-the-scenes look at how the sausage gets made, with banter over a glamorous table... well, four glamorous tables pushed together.
In today's video, the writers discuss how to know if you're a whipped man.
+ Watch new episodes of "Guy Code"every Tuesday starting January 15 at 11/10c on MTV2
Relationships are about compromise. For example, you want to see an action movie and your lady wants to see a chick flick, so you wind up seeing the chick flick, because she has veto power over intercourse. Actually, that's not so much a "compromise" as the story of your life. Our pals at Guyism list all the horrible things dudes endure for action:
Owning a Small Dog
A man will only own one of those designer poop factories because he knows women are drawn to them in the same way that they're drawn to purses. If you've ever seen a guy walking down the street carrying a small dog, the guy is thinking to himself, "This dog better get me laid soon or I'm turning him into a vest."
Watching the WNBA
While other female sports promote top-notch execution and athletes, televised WNBA games look like when a bird gets inside a house and people frantically try to get it out with a broom. It's sloppy, slow and embarrassing. If you're willing to sit through an entire WNBA game for the sake of having your sexless streak end like a shot clock, I salute you.
Some girls will break up with you, offer to get back together and then break up with you again five minutes later. It's not because they can't make up their minds--at least that would be (kinda) understandable--but they love drama. Instead of just watching a soap opera, they decide to make your life one.
To illustrate this nightmare, comedian Nikki Glaser--who will co-star in MTV's "Nikki & Sara LIVE"--continues her web series with Joe DeRosa, the poor schlub whose luck has run out in the "Worst Break Up Ever." Watch and learn, because an on-again, off-again relationship will drive you out of your mind.
If you're seated across the table by a woman like comedian Nikki Glaser during a date, you're probably screwed no matter what if she demands an answer. Still there's a dilemma that vexes Joe DeRosa in the video: What the heck do you say if a girlfriend asks how many women you've slept with? Tell the truth? One less than what she says? One more? A complete misrepresentation? How about a date ending "35, plus your mom"? You'll have to feel out the situation, although we think the number is irrelevant in any case.
Check out the funny/awkward scene starring Nikki Glaser, one half of MTV's upcoming show "Nikki & Sara LIVE."
Theater used to be awesome. Manly men went to see Greek and Shakespearean tragedies, in which important issues were discussed, such as who's having sex with whose mom. But then movies and TV were invented, and theater seemed to become... well... just another tourist attraction in New York and London.
Theatermania has recognized this fact, and that's why they created Bros on Broadway, reviews of highfalutin plays by regular dudes. Needless to say, it's a godsend for regular, uncultured guys. Think about it. You're getting dragged to see live theater at some point, so you might as well see a play that doesn't suck. And sometimes, a play that looks terrible is actually bro-approved.
WARNING: You'll never want to have sex again after reading this post. You might even have trouble walking. You're going to read it anyway. Abandon hope, all ye who enter here.
Earlier this month, Ultimate Fighting Championship contestant Ray Elbe shared a horrific story on an MMA message board: while having sex with his girlfriend in the cowgirl position, she descended at the wrong angle ("Everything was under control until 1 bounce went a 'little' too high") and snapped his dick. This is how he describes it:
"Falling face first I ko'd myself on the floor ... chipping two teeth and busting my chin... [The nurses] have been trying to clean the dry blood of my swollen shaft in between my tears and pleads for them to be gentle... There has been a tube stuck out of the small hole at the end of my pee-pee which has allowed me to go urinate without having to get out of the bed...however I must admit, seeing the amount of blood leaking from the hole onto the sheets has made me feel like puking every morning. Lesson learned-- I will never let a girl on top again."
Fortunately for Elbe, the $6,000 surgery was successful. He received 10 stitches and will have to "take anti-erection pills for 2 weeks." Even more fortunately, his girlfriend "to make it up to me ... has promised me a threesome of my choice." So, the pain was all worth it! (At least he didn't sue his girlfriend like a Massachusetts guy did after a similar injury.)
We've all been there: the date's gone perfectly, we're back at her place, sex is moments away... and then we open our damn mouths. Whether it's a joke or a criticism or just some inane remark, sometimes you're your own worst enemy. (And your penis's worst enemy.)
Comedian Nikki Glaser, who will co-star in MTV's "Nikki & Sara LIVE," has had enough of our collective stupidity. In her new YouTube sketch with Joe DeRosa, she illustrates how one wayward comment can cost a guy dearly. Silence is golden, and so are blowies.