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So you've decided to make the leap from living in a place that smells like Doritos and sweat to a place with curtains and a working doorbell. No, you're not moving back in with your parents; you and your girlfriend are moving in together! Congratulations!
This can be a lot of fun and a great step in your relationship...but it can also be a nightmare if you don't know what you're getting into. And you need to consider that your life is going to change a little. Here are some tips for successfully adjusting.
1. Be Absolutely Certain
Cohabitation is a big move and there's really no going back. (Just try saying, "I'd like to keep dating you, but I'd rather live with my old roommate again...is that cool?") Make sure you aren't moving in with your girlfriend for the cheaper rent or just because she's pressuring you. Even if you're always at her place or she's always at yours, that doesn't necessarily mean you're emotionally ready to combine sock drawers.
2. Do Your Part With The Chores
Some guys expect their live-in girlfriends to cook, clean and do the grocery shopping while they just kill spiders and maybe take out trash once per week. Sorry, dude, that fantasy only exists on "Mad Men." There are no gender specific chores anymore. Here's your apron...what's for dinner?
3. Keep In Touch With Your Boys
Make sure not to fall into a domestic black hole with your lady and then forget about your friends. Do a night out with the guys--it's a good way for you and her to have some healthy time apart. Just remember that when you come home, you're crawling into bed with a sleeping, sober person who doesn't care for your booze-breath and snoring.
Yes, all girls fart...and no, those emissions don't smell like unicorns and butterflies. That's the kind of harsh truth you'll get from "Girl Code," but--even when the truth is gross--you can use it to your advantage. Here's what guys can learn from last night's episode.
1. Some Girls Fart To Judge Your Reaction
Jessimae Peluso "will fart on first dates" to gauge whether a guy is superficial or a gentleman. Conversely, Esther Ku will "only fart after my toothbrush is in his bathroom." Maybe a girl is testing you, or maybe she's just getting too comfortable, but either way she might be trying to tell you something--if you can hear it through the rippage.
2. They Blame Guys For Their Gas
Guys stereotypically blame the dog for cutting one, but girls blame you. "Girls are more blamers than claimers," Esther says, and she told female viewers to "stand next to the fattest guy in the room" when they fart, so he looks guilty. As if you needed another reason to hit the gym and work off your beer gut...
Lying, cheating and sneaking around are not acceptable boyfriend behaviors and if you engage in them, statistics are not in your favor and you will most likely get caught. However, sometimes girls can get too paranoid, and the next thing you know they've thrown on their best detective jacket and are knee deep in a background search on you.
The ladies of "Girl Code" discussed their love for snooping on last night's episode, so here's how to protect yourself from an over-curious girlfriend...
1. Clear Your Search History
Look, girls know you're the worst version of yourself online, whether you're looking up dirty porn, playing online poker or commenting on "Star Trek" fan fiction threads. Whatever weird hobbies and fetishes you have, Firefox knows all about them. Lucky for you, browsers were invented by men with nosy girlfriends, which is why it only takes a couple of clicks for you to erase all your shameful transgressions. Start getting in the habit of cleaning up after yourself online.
2. Throw Away Receipts
If you buy some kind of sexy gift for a mistress and keep the receipt, you're too dumb for us to help you. But even if you're not cheating on your woman, it's a good idea to get rid of receipts that she could nag you about: Fast food, comic books and a bar tab from that night you said, "No, I really do wanna see 'The Big Wedding,' I'm just feeling sick, gonna lay low tonight." She will use it against you in a court of withholding sex. so might as well ditch the evidence immediately.
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Vice President Joe Biden has never lacked confidence. That's how he was able to get elected to the U.S. Senate at only 30 years old. Dude's got marbles. And not just when it comes to politics. A loyal husband of 35 years, Biden is nevertheless a notorious flirt. He's at his best when he's spitting game to married women right in front of their husbands. And when those husbands are his political rivals, it's even better.
Most recently Biden was caught on camera charming Jessica Biel as Justin Timberlake stood back and watched his wife get hit by the mack truck. If it makes JT feel any better, he's not the first.
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Only an amateur thinks he knows everything about women. True wisdom is admitting that you can always learn more, and "Girl Code" is your shortcut to enlightenment...also, to improving your game. Here's the knowledge guys can use from last night's episode.
1. Keep Your Bathroom Clean
You'll inevitably leave yellow droplets on the seat, and you inevitably won't bother to wipe them up. But if you bring a lady back to your place, she's gonna consider you unhygienic...and if she considers you unhygienic, guess what she won't consider?
"If I wanted to sit in piss," says Nicole Byer, "I'd answer a craigslist ad."
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It happens to the best of us. You're enjoying some alone time--really enjoying it--when your girlfriend walks through the door and gasps in disgust. Even if she doesn't catch you with your pants down, she might snoop through your internet history and confront you about it. Either way, you need to have some quick, quality excuses at your disposal.
1. It's spam
The internet is overloaded with annoying advertisements. Simply trying to load a page to check an NBA box score inundates you with a maelstrom of ads for credit cards, insurance companies and dating services. Would it be that hard to convince your girlfriend that you clicked on the wrong pop-up?
2. You didn't know what it was
You probably could get away with making her believe your jerk buddy sent you a video he didn't label correctly, or that his account was hacked. In fact, tell her that based on its file name, you truly thought it was going to be a cute video about, uh, young amateur cats.
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Technology has progressed so rapidly over the last few decades, it's almost impossible to imagine what life was like just a generation ago. Although it sounds crazy now, snooping on a new girlfriend used to require more than checking her Facebook profile, where she's spent years publicly expressing her life and opinions. In fact, verifying information or finding out about her exes required difficult detective work.
1. The Social Network
We don't mean Mark Zuckerberg's. Before Facebook, you'd have to actually talk to people to get information. Maybe your brother's friend's sister's cousin knew her in high school and said she's a crazy conspiracy theorist. But then you heard from someone else that your brother's friend's sister's cousin is just totally jealous. Gossip is as unreliable as it is unmanly. Aren't you glad you don't have to talk to people anymore?
2. Old Yearbooks
If you wanted to find out what she was like, who she was friends with or who she used to date, you'd have to track down her yearbook. (Those signatures inside the covers would tell you everything.) If you were lucky, it was in her apartment. If not, you had to break into her parents' house at night.
Sometimes it can be tough for guys to know if they're coming off as creepy or charming. He might have the best of intentions, but the girl just reads the situation as, "DANGER! DANGER!" For example, a guy might watch the movie "Love & Sex" and decide to hire a little person with bongos to serenade his attractive coworker. If the coworker doesn't know where the gesture is coming from, she'll get creeped out and the office will become a very awkward place.
As a way to help out our male readers, we decided to have Jamie Lee from "Girl Code" play a little game called "Creepy Or Charming." We present her with a variety of situations and she tells if it seems like the guy is being cool or a clown.
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Ryan McKee (@TheRyanMcKee) is the editor of Guy Code Blog
Concept by: RG Daniels (@RGDaniels) is a comedian and writer in Brooklyn, NY.
Credit: Jackie Besteman
You and your girlfriend are enjoying a beautiful spring day when it happens: You encounter your ex. It's possible that you two had a mutual, friendly breakup and she's happy you've found someone new--but yeah, right, like that ever happens. Best to know the possible routes you can take to immediately diffuse a potentially sticky situation.
1. Play it cool
Whether you live in a massive urban enclave or a one-horse town, the chances of eventually running into an ex are likely. Might as well grit your teeth and feign normality. "How'ya doin', girl-I-vomit-at-the-sight-of?" "Not bad, weirdo-I'd-rather-forget." How adult!
2. The cold shoulder
Sometimes a pleasant, amicable conversation is impossible. True martial artists avoid confrontation and only fight out of self-defense, so follow their example and don't escalate the situation into an all-out brawl unless it's absolutely necessary. Walk away and your ex won't have any sort of opening to start something.
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For every girl who thinks her birthday is the most important day of the year, there's a boyfriend who thinks a lame card and a breakfast burrito make a killer gift. Birthdays might not matter to you, but if you mess up hers, you'll hear about it for the next 364 days. Here are a few tips for successfully planning some birthday magic for your lady.
1. The Morning Surprise
This doesn't have to be extravagant like a Lexus with a huge red bow on it--just do something to kick off the day. Breakfast in bed is a classic. Or sneak a "happy birthday" note into her bag. Or, if you're feeling inspired, give her a mini-gift (a dog collar) that hints at the real gift you're giving later (a leather bodysuit...or, uh, a puppy).
2. She's Already Told You What She Wants
Even if she didn't say outright, "Buy this present for my birthday," she's probably dropped hints--you just weren't paying attention. Has she mentioned wanting something recently? Has she mentioned wanting it a thousand times?
Also, remember: The money you spend isn't half as important as the thought you put into it. And don't just get her whatever your buddy got his girl; not all girls are into stuff made out of hemp.