Welcome to GUY CODE, the official blog of MTV2's "Guy Code" series and your online destination for all things dude, including—but not limited to—irreverent commentary on sports, hip-hop and ladies. Stay awhile and flex your manhood.
There comes a time in just about every relationship when one partner (usually the girl) asks for a break. Maybe she's gotten cold feet, or gone temporarily crazy. Or perhaps she has a hunch that she just shouldn't be with a guy like you.
This so-called break could last for a week or for months. Sure, you'll probably/definitely/absolutely get back together sometime soon...but until then, you can get a lot of s*** accomplished in your free (and we do mean FREE) time. Here are some things to knock off your "taking a break" bucket list.
1. Stay out late. No longer do you need to be tucked in and spooning by 10:30.
2. No one needs to know where you are at all times. Go off the grid. No phone calls, no emails, no texts and certainly no "checking in." It's liberating! (Let your parents know you're OK, though.)
3. Shots? Why not?
4. Whatever the opposite of a "foodie" is, become one. Pizza, burgers and plenty of food carts. Your girlfriend isn't making you eat quinoa anymore.
5. Pass out on your couch. Bed is so many feet away.
No lady wants a guy who actively messes with her head -- but when first dating a woman, it's not only fair to play some games...it can be crucial. Here are five ways to keep the chase going and preserve the romance in the long run.
1. Stay Mysterious
For the first few dates, keep your personal info guarded, divulging it slowly over time. If you dress your cat in human clothes, for example, or were born with a vestigial tail -- save those fun facts for date number six. The less she knows about you, the more she'll want to know about you.
Keep close track of your social media accounts. Tweet vaguely and generally, and don't give too much away on Facebook. (At least change that status update from "grinding NYC's finest at the Hustler Club" to "chillin' with a homie.")
2. Act Poorer Than You Are
You don't want a woman to think you're a deadbeat, but spending too much money at the beginning of a relationship sets a terrible precedent. If you show off with front-row Kanye West tickets on the second date, by date four she'll expect you to hire the cast of "Game Of Thrones" to reenact Season 1 in her kitchen.
Dinner on a first date is a related rookie mistake. You'll have no way to impress her again if you spring for a meal at Le Expensive French Bistro, paying $100 for snail-dick tartar.
Times can get tough for your body, mind, soul and penis. So, if you've had a dry spell and notice the calendar moving quicker than usual, don't worry. We're here to help you swim out of that sexual quicksand and get back on top.
1. Relax And Take Stock
First off: Chill the f*** out! The average guy falls into a slump every now and again. No need to feel like you're any less of a man. A slump just means that you've gotta take a breath and take a look at yourself. If there's one good thing about being alone, it gives you time to stare in the mirror and ask, "Who am I f'realz???"
2. Scale Back Your Game
The threat of loneliness does funny things to a guy. It makes him act in weird, panicked ways, like a mouse trying desperately to find the end of a maze. And this could be responsible for you coming on too strong with the ladies. Try not to be so eager. Women like having sex (we promise), but they can smell a desperate man like a fat kid can smell bacon.
3. Don't Swing For The Fences
All too often, dudes in slumps fix their libidos on perfect 10, model-like chicks. This is a bad, bad, baaaaaad idea. You're not thinking straight when you try to prove you've "still got it." When you're in a slump, even though your confidence is shot, you can begin to suffer delusions of sexual grandeur.
We recommend talking to a down-to-earth girl. She's more likely to appreciate your company (and, y'never know, be a cool chick) than one who carries her headshot portfolio everywhere. Which leads us to this…
The sneaking around. The guilt. The fear of getting caught in the act. Sure, watching porn is fun, but wouldn't it be a lot less stressful (and hotter) if your girlfriend would just watch it with you?
Actually, it may be easier than you think. Here are some simple ways to get her to join you in appreciating the adult cinematic arts.
1. Use Chick Flicks As A Gateway
Chances are, she's already stimulating her imagination with viewing material; it's just that her idea of a hot scene involves a scandalous affair between two British people in the 1800s. Sit down and watch a sexy love story like "Atonement" or "Unfaithful" with her, and put the moves on her as things heat up on screen.
Next, suggest a French movie like "Breathless," which is basically porn with subtitles. If that seems like a crowd-pleaser, see how she'd feel about watching something a little racier for your next movie night.
2. Tell Her About James Deen
There's a reason James Deen has risen to fame, and it's not just his upcoming movie with Lindsay Lohan. Chicks enjoy watching him have sex because he's more sensual and sensitive than your average male porn actor. (He also, of course, has sex with smoking-hot babes, which makes his stuff enjoyable for both genders.)
Tell your girlfriend that you heard about this guy who made a "Toy Story" porn parody, and let Woody's woody do the work for you.
Every guy in a relationship has heard the words, between sobs, "Don't try to fix it. I just need you to listen." But we don't listen, because the request doesn't make any sense. Our girlfriend has a problem, we have a logical solution... but she doesn't want to hear it and thus solve the problem? She just wants to talk about it? What does talking solve?
Filmmaker Jason Headley can't explain this phenomenon -- no man can -- but he'll certainly make you feel less alone with "It's Not About The Nail," his new comedy short about... well, we don't want to spoil it for you, but it "hammers" home the point that sometimes, you just have to resist the urge to be Mr. Fix-It.
Would you say you're a classy guy? If so, let's be honest: There's a solid chance you're lying. Most men are absolute pigs. However, if you've reached a point where you think it'd benefit you to inject some class into your life, here's three possible ways to do so.
Buy Smart Books
Classy people read, right? Of course they do. And not just stuff like Howard Stern's and Andre the Giant's respective autobiographies -- both of which I personally own. So maybe you hit Amazon.com's used section and fill your bookshelf with some Leo Tolstoy, Jane Austin, Nathaniel Hawthorne and F. Scott Fitzgerald. Sadly, tales about a French giant drinking beers with Bobby "The Brain" Heenan won't gain you the literary street cred that having a genuine opinion on "War & Peace" will. Do you have to actually read these books? No. But fake it till you make it, that's what I always say. And the first step to faking that you're well read is to own a few classics. Read More...
It's good to spend quality time with your woman; it's also good to spend quality time apart from her, because 24/7 togetherness isn't healthy for any relationship. Unless you're trapped in a bomb shelter for the apocalypse, you need some damn privacy.
Distance makes the heart grow fonder, and we're fond of enjoying these fantastic activities whenever our ladies travel for a parental visit, business trip, bachelorette party or...uh, why did she leave town again? We weren't really listening too closely when we reached for the moisturizer and Kleenex.
1. Leave The Toilet Seat Up
Remember those glorious pisses before cohabitation, back when you could spray all over the porcelain throne and then walk away, because urine dries eventually, so what's the big deal? With your girlfriend in a different timezone, don't worry about putting the lid down...except that, like a Pavlovian dog, you do it by instinct at this point, actually having to remember not to remember.
(Also: Don't worry about washing your hands afterward, because urine dries eventually, so what's the big deal?)
2. Drink O.J. From The Carton
This is kinda cliché, but "cliché" is just another word for "classic." It makes perfect sense to drink juice out of the container (same goes for milk and peanut butter), because that way you don't have to run the dishwasher. Speaking of which...
If you want advice on grilling a steak, do you ask a vegetarian? Of course not.... So why ask your boys about understanding chicks when you can get the inside scoop from "Girl Code"? Here are the takeaways for men from this week's dual episodes.
1. Talk Her Into A Threesome At Your Own Risk
A ménage à trois is every guy's goal, but only a fraction's accomplishment. Still, it can be done. Jamie Lee estimates, "At least 10% of every girl wants to hook up with another girl...'cause girls are hot." And Nicole Byer reveals the secret sentence for making it happen: "If you don't, you don't know what you like -- you may be missing out on something just because you're being all prude and weird."
Be careful what you wish for, however. April Rose, who got frisky with a college roommate, warns that having a three-way "could create awkward jealousies." Instead of spicing your relationship up, it could just piss your girlfriend off...or she might like it so much, she goes full lesbian and "never want[s] d*** again," in Nessa's words.
2. Paging Dr. Freud
"[G]irls like guys who have similar qualities to their dad," Shalyah Evans says. Learn how to play golf and talk about it nonstop if you want a girl to swing your putter.
Since this is the Internet, people who search for humping beasts are probably not looking for (human) relationship advice. But the animal kingdom can teach guys plenty about matters of the heart. 'Cause even if most species mate solely for survival, some of them have weird moves that can help you with the (HUMAN!!) ladies.
1. The Manakin Bird
This tiny Peruvian bird, located in the Andean cloud forest, uses a variety of sounds to attract females, then seals the deal by performing a bizarre, hilarious "moonwalk" dance across a branch.
Lesson for Mankind: Don't be afraid to make a fool of yourself on the dance floor. Women love a guy who can make them laugh.
Every day I apply to jobs. Sometimes two, sometimes 20. The positions range from sperm donor to seventh grade teacher. The entire process is a humiliating bummer, but the applications do occasionally provide delusional fragments of an alternate life, as well as opportunities for personal reflection. Cover Letters explores these fragments and reflections and the jobs that inspire them.
Dear Water Park Administrator,
I am writing in regards to the lifeguard position. I feel I am uniquely qualified for this position. As a child I spent time at Ocean Beach, a rundown water park with an outlaw, Dogtown feel. The slides were rickety and jagged. Loose screws shredded the seats of our swim suits. During one late summer trip the governor’s son became lodged in an arid stretch halfway down the pipe. They evacuated the pool and so we shivered in our wet towels as the sun went down on the Long Island Sound, waiting for the fire department.
This was amid a period of childish uncertainty. I sometimes felt there was a chance I was not actually human. There was something they weren't telling me. I contained some secret super power. Of course this just turned out to be sex but for a while there I thought maybe I could fly or teleport or had gills tucked away somewhere. All that nameless energy seemed poised to spur some kind of evolution. This made puberty something of a let down. Read More...