He holds her hand and calls her by pet names. He even takes her on "date nights," but you're not jealous, because he's not straight. It's your girlfriend's gay best friend! Sure, you might have conflicted feelings about the dude -- she does undress in front of him while trying on outfits -- but here are five reasons you'll befriend him if you know what's good for you.
1. He Knows What She Wants In Bed
They've spent plenty of time in gay bars together watching go-go dancers and talking sex, so he knows about every adventurous act she's curious to try. Before you try spicing things up, pay him a call first -- he'll know just how much spice to add, and not a pinch more.
2. He's Also Totally Into Boobs
Gay guys aren't attracted to women, but they're often just as fascinated by breasts as you are. What's more, they're allowed to touch their chick friends' boobs in a way that straight guys never could, so he's developed quite a sophisticated palate. Have a guys' night out at Hooters and bond over more than just the wings.
3. She'll Call Him When You Fight
When you and your girlfriend disagree, she'll ring him for a night of cocktails and complaining. She trusts his advice and relies on him for a male perspective, so make sure that perspective isn't, "Girl, you can do better." Get this guy in your corner.
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As dudes, we like to think no woman could ever lock us down, but if the girl you're dating is the one (which just means she's both cooler and better-looking than you are), then you want to keep her around. We're not talking about last night's game -- we're talking about the girl you introduce to Mom and Dad. You'd be ruined if she calls it off.
Breakups happen, and you should face them like a man, not an emo mess. If you're noticing signs that she's about to dump your ass, here are five ways to not be an embarrassment to yourself, your girlfriend and dudes everywhere.
1. Don't Be Jealous
As we said, breakups happen, and usually not because she's got another guy waiting in the wings. Don't assume that she's leaving you for another dude (or chick, if you haven't been paying attention to the writing on the wall). We never want to believe it, but some people just need time to focus on their own problems. That'll hurt less when you bump into her in public and she's not on a date with some guy you want to break in half.
2. Don't Make Her Jealous
Just as you shouldn't worry that she's with another guy, don't preemptively announce that you've got something on the side. If your relationship's going to end, it'll end, but wait until then to start seeing other women, or else this breakup is going to be way more dramatic. You'll bring less bitterness into the new relationship if you're at peace with the old one.
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If you're going to pop the question at San Diego Comic-Con (a time-honored geek tradition), just be aware that a guy from England has already upstaged you.
The badass groom, 29-year-old Russ Chilcott, dressed as Batman, rappelled down a building (with the city council's permission), fought some fake bad guys and proposed to his girlfriend with the "recovered" ring. She accepted, which is great because nobody wants to see Batman crying in the arms of the "thieves" he'd just beaten up.
Sure, dressing in spandex and choreographing a fight isn't the key to every woman's heart, but Chilcott told reporters he was confident that she'd appreciate it for two reasons: "She likes seeing me embarrass myself, and she likes Batman." Every guy claims to be the luckiest man in the world after getting engaged, but this dude actually might be.
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Neal Stastny (@NealStas) is a comedian and writer in New York.
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Unless you've been hiding under a rock this month, you know that Edward Snowden's a wanted man. He's wanted by the U.S. government for leaking its most precious secrets. But did you know that he's wanted by one of our hottest enemies? Anna Chapman, KGB agent, model and fake redhead, tweeted a marriage proposal to him.
At first, we thought this was like Kim Kardashian saying she wanted to date Jeremy Lin the minute Linsanity broke out in New York. She didn't want to date him, she just had a rep for dating ballers, so she made the offer for publicity. Likewise, Chapman hasn't been in the news for a minute, so maybe she just wanted some easy headlines.
Chapman's proposal isn't a new thing. For some reason, hard-core criminals often get marriage proposals, even when they're on Death Row. As dudes, we all have an angle to get laid, whether it be athletics, entertainment, etc. But know that even if you kill a dude -- or in this case leak super-important secrets from the most powerful nation in the world -- someone will want to sleep with you. Obviously, killing someone is against Guy Code, but if you're ever framed for murder and end up in the slammer, at least you'll have some admirers.
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The final four episodes of "Girl Code" season one air on Sunday from 9 to 11 p.m. EST, so in preparation for the mini marathon, we're looking back at what the series taught us. Sure, we've recapped it weekly with "The Opponents' Playbook," but let's examine the big takeaways. 'Cause we didn't just laugh and learn...we actually became better guys.
1. Life is tougher for girls, so cut 'em some slack
Whenever they leave the house, they get judged on their looks, outfits, bodies, makeup, accessories...whereas you can leave the house unshaven in flip-flops and nobody blinks. So, don't get mad if she needs a few extra minutes to get ready for dinner.
2. Girls' mouths are just as dirty as ours, if not more so
They might not talk like sailors around us, perhaps because we'd feel inadequate, but your most profane comments are no match for Jessimae Peluso's or Carly Aquilino's.
3. They go crazy sometimes. Live with it.
The "Girl Code" gals all admitted to the occasional freak-out, and it's definitely no fun to be on the receiving end. But if you're gonna date a woman, you can't just date her good qualities (and she can't just date yours), so learn to love the whole package.
4. You can be a good boyfriend without being whipped
Girls want you to be sensitive, caring and a good listener. They also want you to be a self-respecting man with opinions and confidence. Despite what your friends say, those aren't mutually exclusive.
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My goal in life is to meet, and subsequently date, a hot nerd.
And when I say "nerd", I don't mean the ridiculously antiquated stereotype shown on "The Big Bang Theory." That's just a nerd Halloween costume. Those are the nerds who were Screech's underlings on "Saved By The Bell." Lame.
I'm talking about the genuine, modern-day nerd. The Allison Brie on "Community" nerd. That, in my opinion, is the perfect freakin' woman.
Imagine not having to placate a girlfriend's crappy girl-interests whatsoever. Instead of watching "The Real Housewives Of Where The F*** Ever," you could sit on a couch with her and binge on the new "Arrested Development" season for hours. Also, in between episodes, you could have sex! Bonus!
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It can happen when you least expect it: Right smack in the middle of getting it on, your "soldier" fails to come to attention. It may seem like the end of the world, but the reality is that every guy has dealt with a lost erection at some point. Here are some tips on how to save face when you can't save your Private Ryan.
1. Don't Apologize
She probably feels at least as responsible for this as you do. Apologizing will only make her feel like she has to apologize to you, setting off a chain of "No, I'm sorry" that's sure to escalate the awkwardness of the situation. You need all the self-confidence you can muster right now, and apologizing profusely is the last thing that's going to help you in that department.
2. Calm Down
Most girls will understand an occasional malfunction. Girls are used to sex ending less than spectacularly for them, and she's probably not half as upset as you think she is. The trouble happens when you remain in denial about the lost boner, and she feels pressured to "revive" you. By the time your flag reaches half-mast, she's no longer in the mood. Save both of you the trouble; give up on the lost cause and call it a night.
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It's tough when physical distance comes between you and your chick, but thanks to modern technology, it's easier than it used to be. Thankfully, you no longer have to write love letters and hope the guy on the Pony Express doesn't get held up by bandits.
Still, our new tech isn't perfect, so here are the positives and negatives of different ways to "keep things interesting" while she's away.
Pro: The obvious advantage of Skype sex is that you actually get to see the person you're saying filthy things to. Nice to know that she's actually into it and not doing a crossword puzzle.
Con: Depending on the Internet connection, the video and audio may go in and out, making it seem as though you're having a conversation with scrambled porn.
Pro: This is perfect if you're stuck in work or class. To the casual observer, you're sending emails or taking notes, when really you're discussing hot new things to try. Bonus: A laptop or tablet can hide your boner.
Con: If you have other chat windows open, it's easy to make a mistake and accidentally send something to a buddy (who'll use it to make fun of you forever) or, even worse, to your boss (who'll use it in a Human Resources report).
There comes a time in just about every relationship when one partner (usually the girl) asks for a break. Maybe she's gotten cold feet, or gone temporarily crazy. Or perhaps she has a hunch that she just shouldn't be with a guy like you.
This so-called break could last for a week or for months. Sure, you'll probably/definitely/absolutely get back together sometime soon...but until then, you can get a lot of s*** accomplished in your free (and we do mean FREE) time. Here are some things to knock off your "taking a break" bucket list.
1. Stay out late. No longer do you need to be tucked in and spooning by 10:30.
2. No one needs to know where you are at all times. Go off the grid. No phone calls, no emails, no texts and certainly no "checking in." It's liberating! (Let your parents know you're OK, though.)
3. Shots? Why not?
4. Whatever the opposite of a "foodie" is, become one. Pizza, burgers and plenty of food carts. Your girlfriend isn't making you eat quinoa anymore.
5. Pass out on your couch. Bed is so many feet away.