Welcome to GUY CODE, the official blog of MTV2's "Guy Code" series and your online destination for all things dude, including—but not limited to—irreverent commentary on sports, hip-hop and ladies. Stay awhile and flex your manhood.
When you're dating an awesome girl or breaking up, you convince yourself that nobody in the history of the world has ever felt as strongly as you do. Yeah, buddy, sure. As the video below makes clear, every relationship you've had conforms to a certain script.
It's tough to realize you're a walking stereotype, but take some comfort in your bland, predictable, unremarkable normality. Kudos to the actors on not breaking character for five continuous minutes -- specifically, the characters of "you" and "all of your exes."
Does she miss you as much as you miss her? Is the relationship truly over, or is there still a chance? Sometimes it can be hard to tell after a breakup. You're constantly looking for signals, reading into every situation to see if she wants you back. Here are a few signs she's already moved on...and you need to do the same.
1. She posts a Facebook photo of her new man -- and their new baby. (And you "like" those photos to show her you're still interested.)
2. She doesn't write "happy birthday" on your timeline. (So you change your birth date setting to the next day...and the next...and the next...)
3. She un-friended you. (So you create a fake profile and try to add her.)
4. She changed her phone number. (So you listen over and over to the voicemails you've recorded to a backup device.)
5. She no longer flirts by touching her hair when she speaks to you. (She won't even touch the hair doll you made for her as a gift from the locks in your shower drain.)
In most circumstances, asking your girlfriend to invite one of her gal pals into the bedroom is an excellent way to piss her off. But 28-year-old Florida woman La Crystal King-Woolfork allegedly attacked her boyfriend for rejecting her ménage à trois request.
King-Woolfork "had been at the Shake Your Booty club having a good time," according to the arrest report. When she and a friend came home drunk at 4 a.m., they "started performing oral sex on one another...King stated that she wanted [her boyfriend] to have sex with both her and the other female and [he] refused."
King-Woolfork admits grabbing "a large filet knife," which the boyfriend tried to take from her. A fight ensued and he was stabbed in the eye, authorities say. She claims, "I didn't stab him, but I did hit him in the face several times with a metal candle holder." Either way, he fled to the hospital and police arrested her for attempted murder.
Obviously, nobody should be threatened, let alone hurt, for declining a sexual proposition. That said, let this be a lesson to guys everywhere: If you're lucky enough to be offered a three-way, the correct answer is probably, "Yes, thank you...thank you so, so much."
Guys are by no means the only people who watch porn on the Internet, but it's probably safe to say that it's mostly guys. If we were to ask girlfriends around the country if they assume their boyfriends watch it, we're guessing most of them would say yes. Still, if you get caught (and your lady doesn't share your hobby), you might end up in a tough situation -- a few excuses could work, but just make sure that you don't try any of these...
1. "I'm only watching it because the girl in the video looks like you. Well, not that girl, the one who's still wearing part of her cop uniform."
2. "Considering the types of porn I could be watching, you should be very happy right now."
3. "If you get to look at your ex on Facebook, then I should get to look at my ex on adult websites."
4. "Yep, the rumors are true. There's porn on the Internet. Just trying to verify the stories I've heard."
5. "I only watch it for the pop-up ads."
6. "A friend sent this to me because of the interior design in the video. Where do you think they got that dresser?"
Fall is upon us, and it's a perfect time for romancing the bejesus out of your boo. Show her that you're more than just some dude who watches football and loves watching football and also football. You're more than that. You're a man of taste, culture and style. For instance, maybe you like wearing sweaters and making leaf collages. Possibly you enjoy a warm slab of artisanal bread from time to time.
If there's a new woman in your life, it's your duty to show her a different side of yourself, and now's the perfect season to do so. Just be careful to take her out on the right kind of date, because some autumn favorites can lead to disaster. Here are some contingency plans in case you encounter one of these fall date pitfalls.
1. Corn Maze
Nothing good ever happens in a maze, especially a maze of maize. Sure, it's fun at first, but you never know when you're going to get attacked by knife-wielding children or the aliens that made that crop circle in the first place.
Solution: Find a bar that has a popcorn machine, pour a bowl for the two of you, and enjoy a couple of beers and good conversation. This way, you're experiencing the magic of agriculture and nobody gets lost.
2. Hot Air Balloon Ride
They look like adorable gum drops in the sky, but hot air balloons can quickly become your own personal Hindenburg disaster. It's a balloon, with a wicker coffin at the bottom that you stand in, and it breathes fire. It's a complete wild card. Don't take the risk.
Solution: Take a ride in a Ferris wheel. You'll experience the same high-flying excitement afforded by the hot air balloon ride, but at a way cheaper price and without the risk of plummeting to the earth in a blazing fireball.
We've all been there: A night comes to a close, you're in bed alone, and your mind starts racing. It's been a couple months…you wonder what she's up to. You fish your phone out of your pocket. Then, you put the perfect text together in your head: "u up?"
DON'T DO IT! We're here to save you. Choose one of the following options instead of texting that ex at 3 a.m.
1. Spank It (Duh!)
We don't need to state the obvious. You're not texting your ex because you want an intelligent conversation about the mysteries of life. Back away from the phone. That Five-Second Happy Burst is not worth the hours/weeks of drama that are sure to follow.
2. Sleep It Off
You're not thinking straight. It is 3 in the morning, after all. Think about all the other wise decisions people make at 3 in the morning. Right. You can't, because they don't exist. 3 a.m. is when fights break out at clubs and when the Cleveland Browns make personnel decisions. You're not a Cleveland Brown, are ya? Of course not. Put the phone down.
Guys love to say and do whatever we want, but this tends to get us in trouble with the ladies, who value tact and thoughtfulness and other social graces we don't understand. Another thing we don't understand: Why they'll forgive us just 'cause we buy some useless, overpriced flowers. But those roses work like a charm, assuming you get the right ones, as "Guy Code" animator Bryan Brinkman explains in this week's GIF Code.
When your girlfriend says that she loves you, the only good answer you can give -- the only answer that won't make things awkward -- is "I love you, too." But if that's not how you really feel, whether you've been a couple for years or mere weeks, then here are 20 others that might come to mind, even though you definitely should never say any of them.
2. "I love me, too."
3. "With everything that's going on in Syria right now, it's hard for me to commit a lot of mental and emotional energy to our relationship."
5. "Look out behind you!" (Run out the door, leave town, start a new life.) Read More...
If you're in a relationship long enough, you'll have to make a huge decision: Whether your girlfriend should also be your roommate. It means less freedom to be an unhygienic slob -- and fewer hours to watch porn sports -- but, let's face it, that's probably for the best.
Everyone knows the song "Bills, Bills, Bills" by Destiny's Child, and its message to the ladies: Don't date a broke dude. That's fine, but in a real relationship, both you and your girlfriend can fall on hard times and need the other to help out. Much as you don't want to do it, at some point you're gonna have to hit your girl up for money. Don't worry. There are ways to ask without seeming weak or pissing her off enough to sing, "Oh silly me, why haven't I found another?"
1. Try Everyone Else First
No matter how well it goes, borrowing from your girl is going to feel stressful. If you can, hit up your parents first, then any sibling you have, then aunts, uncles and anyone who smiles at you in the grocery store today. Try running up those credit card bills (you can get cash off of them by paying yourself through PayPal). If all those don't work, now you can ask her.
2. Keep It Small, Keep It Real
As a rule, never ask for more than 2% of her annual income. That means, if she makes $30,000, don't ask for more than $600. Otherwise, she'll think you're using it to help pay for an engagement ring, which would make you King Douche. And always ask for a weird number, because that sounds more realistic. $574 makes it sound like you know exactly what you need it for; $600 sounds like you might be spending some of that money on iTunes.