Welcome to GUY CODE, the official blog of MTV2's "Guy Code" series and your online destination for all things dude, including—but not limited to—irreverent commentary on sports, hip-hop and ladies. Stay awhile and flex your manhood.
You've got the girl of your dreams and everything is roses and cream. But what seems like true romance to you might be your friends' worst nightmare. You may be in love, but you also may be nauseating. Check out these red flags that your happiness is pissing off everybody you know.
1. Your gushy Facebook posts are so bad, even your parents unfriend you.
2. The only place you don't make out is at the dentist's office.
3. You stitch two sweaters together so you can stay warm forever.
4. You create a horrible hybrid nickname like "Jeremyiffer."
"If she fakes it, that's HER problem!" That's not the right attitude to have. It's actually YOUR problem, according to Harvard psychologists who've released a study linking deception about climaxing to deception about boinking your roommate the second you leave to make a beer run.
They interviewed more than 250 students in committed (well, "committed") relationships, and discovered that -- while men are far bigger cheaters -- ladies cheat more often if they feign satisfaction in the bedroom. "The more orgasms a woman had faked, the more likely she was to have cheated previously and the greater her likelihood of cheating again," said lead researcher Dr. Justin Lehmiller.
And it's not just because they're unfulfilled. Women who don't climax and inform their partners are just as faithful as women whose boyfriends know how to please 'em. (How else will guys be inspired to try harder next time?) The truth hurts...but if she's honest about the fact you suck in the sack, then she probably won't go behind your back.
"Sooooooooooo, when are you two getting married?" You might never hear this question from your boys (because why the hell would they care?), but your girlfriend probably hears it all the time from her gal pals. And from her mom. And from pretty much everybody else she interacts with. Sooner or later, she'll likely want to know the answer.
Specifically, a new survey of 2,000 British women found that, on average, they'll give a dude 3.3 years to propose before they ditch him or (infinitely more emasculating) pop the question themselves. When your grandchildren ask to hear your engagement story, you do NOTwanna have to say, "She got tired of waiting and pulled a Sadie Hawkins." So, in the most romantic terms possible, either sh*t or get off the pot.
Take it from me, guys: My wife and I dated for seven years before I finally manned up and got down on bended knee. It's kind of a miracle she didn't kick my procrastinating ass to the curb long ago -- and if you try stalling for nearly that long, your results may vary.
The survey's other results: 19% of women expect you to cry during the proposal(!?) and 10% expect you to serenade them. As if that weren't hilariously unrealistic enough, the majority expect you to only have one drink first. They'll have to just keep waiting on that.
Welcome to the holiday season! If you've been dating a girl semi-seriously, then chances are you'll soon meet her parents for the first time. But don't sweat it. With this handy guide, you'll know exactly what to expect -- and how to keep her dad from putting you on the Thanksgiving dinner menu.
1. The Military Parents
He's a Green Beret. She's an officer in the Navy. To them, you're a threat to their daughter's privates, Private. So stand up straight and pay attention, or your relationship will be M.I.A. Remember, they can leave town at a second's notice.
How To Win Them Over: Have a plan of action. Dinner at 1900 hrs. Movie at 2100 hrs. Back home by 2300 hrs on the dot. Also, if you have family that's served, be it a grandfather who fought in the Pacific or a cousin who cooked in the Coast Guard, make sure to mention it. You'll get additional points, and you didn't even have to risk your neck on the battlefield.
2. The Party Parents
Man, these people are so cool, you just want to stay and chill with them. They smoke in the house, they tease your girlfriend the same way you do, and they don't mind if you come home late because they're probably still up entertaining guests in their kick-ass poker room. They don't even bat an eye when you spend the night in her room. Score!
How To Win Them Over: It's not hard to win over cool parents, unless you're a total d*ck. Make sure to talk about your favorite bands with her father and always say "yes" when her mom offers you a microbrew. Just don't have too many. You don't want to alienate your girlfriend as the three of you dance on the kitchen table.
When you're lucky enough to have a Saturday off, time is a precious thing. There's games to play, pizza to wolf down, and only a few hours to do so. However, sometimes we get that text from our girl that pretty much squashes any hope of getting those things done. That text is very simply, "Let's go to the mall!" And here are a few reasons why we don't look forward to that.
1. Candle Stores
Has there ever been another form of torture for young men quite like the scented candle store? Honestly, if we could build a time machine, our first destination would be the board meeting where some tool in a suit stood up and said, "How 'bout an entire store with scented candles so strong, your sinuses will scream to the heavens as you're suffocated to the point of hallucinating?"
And, of course, our girlfriends love it, because where else can they go to find that vanilla cinnamon pine raspberry rainforest candle they love so much?
2. Holding Her Bags
Being a good boyfriend means making sacrifices. That means holding your girl's bags while she shops. It's a time-tested practice that dates back to John Smith holding Pocahontas's bags as she saved him from being murdered, we're guessing.
It's even worse if she's in a Victoria's Secret, stocking up on the underwear you know you'll have to earn the right to see. Be a good dude and hold those bags, no matter how awkward you feel standing around in there.
The first two episodes of "Guy Court" air tonight at 11p/10c on MTV2, and one of the cases involves a dude who broke up with his girlfriend by changing his Facebook relationship status. Sometimes you have to do unpleasant things face-to-face, not from the comfort of a smartphone. And some places are better for dropping the news than others. Calmly and truthfully at her place? Fair. But never, ever break up with a girl...
1. At the top of a Ferris wheel.
2. On your wedding day.
3. During sex.
4. At a funeral. (Unless you want to be the next burial.)
So you and your girl have been dating for awhile and it's going great. You only argue about the important things (like which Batman actor is the best), you like each other's friends (enough) and, amazingly, you still have sex. Even still, you're hesitant to move in together. As "Guy Code" explained in season two, it's a major life change...and your bathroom will soon be jam-packed with loofahs and cosmetics.
But cohabitation can be great, if you do it for the right reasons. Here are signs that shacking up is the best route for you.
1. Your Current Roommates Are A-Holes
Not only do they steal your leftovers, they open sealed containers. You bought the hummus! That first scoop is yours! And they treat your Xbox like their property, so you never get a chance to play. Maybe it's time to live with someone you actually like?
2. She Has Actual Stuff
Old pizza boxes are not dishes, construction spools are not tables, and bean bag chairs are not beds. You're not a boxcar kid, so stop living like one. Trust us, you'll feel like a king once your stop eating cereal out of a Dixie cup.
3. You Want More Sex
Should she come over your place? Should you go over there? Or should you just meet in the alley behind the dive bar? You already spend enough time commuting for work, so bring some regularity to hooking up.
When you're dating an awesome girl or breaking up, you convince yourself that nobody in the history of the world has ever felt as strongly as you do. Yeah, buddy, sure. As the video below makes clear, every relationship you've had conforms to a certain script.
It's tough to realize you're a walking stereotype, but take some comfort in your bland, predictable, unremarkable normality. Kudos to the actors on not breaking character for five continuous minutes -- specifically, the characters of "you" and "all of your exes."
Does she miss you as much as you miss her? Is the relationship truly over, or is there still a chance? Sometimes it can be hard to tell after a breakup. You're constantly looking for signals, reading into every situation to see if she wants you back. Here are a few signs she's already moved on...and you need to do the same.
1. She posts a Facebook photo of her new man -- and their new baby. (And you "like" those photos to show her you're still interested.)
2. She doesn't write "happy birthday" on your timeline. (So you change your birth date setting to the next day...and the next...and the next...)
3. She un-friended you. (So you create a fake profile and try to add her.)
4. She changed her phone number. (So you listen over and over to the voicemails you've recorded to a backup device.)
5. She no longer flirts by touching her hair when she speaks to you. (She won't even touch the hair doll you made for her as a gift from the locks in your shower drain.)