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Weird Florida News From The Weekend

Posted 3/11/13 5:00 pm EST by in Funny, News

Kentucky v Florida
Credit: Doug Benc/Getty Images

You might've noticed that many (most?) of our "Today's Dumbasses" come from Florida. For whatever reason, more bizarre things happen in the Sunshine State than all other states, possibly combined. Here's a few stories from over the weekend.

1. Man Doesn't Realize He's Been Shot

More than a million people attend Miami's Calle Ocho Festival. With all that excitement and commotion, it's easy to become distracted...like the guy who got shot in the ass and then walked away, thinking he was fine until he passed out from the bleeding.

2. Does Florida Hate St. Patrick's Day?

Officials forced bar owners to take down their Irish flag because it violates a city ordinance. Businesses in Atlantic Beach can only display American flags...you know, America, the country founded on freedom of speech?

3. Drinking On The Job

Yeah, Florida's strange, but sometimes it's awesome. Like the Port Orange healthcare company that offers employees "Beer Cart Fridays." (A cart stocked with brewskis rolls around the office.) Plus, employees receive a "Get Out of Jail Free" card for a paid day off, so they can start drinking at work on Friday and stay at home hungover on Monday.

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Neal Stastny (@NealStas) is a comedian and writer in New York.

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Hungover Links: Sofia Vergara, A White Crop Top & More

Posted 3/11/13 10:00 am EST by in News

neverending
Photo via Pleated-Jeans

While you were drinking...

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The Weirdest Things Criminals Steal Every Day

Posted 3/8/13 4:00 pm EST by in Funny, News

tide uhaul
Credit: Getty Images

You'd expect thieves to jack your TV or smartphone or other expensive gadgets...but your laundry supplies? It's super common, according to our friends at Guyspeed:

Tide Detergent

Tide detergent has become a target of choice, so much so that it is now referred to on the street as "liquid gold." Due to high black market prices, criminals have loaded up carts full of the stuff and made a run for the doors. Why Tide? It's a popular brand with high resale value, and it's used by homes across the economic spectrum. "It's the item to steal," one Kentucky policeman told The Daily.

Human Hair

Human hair extensions are all the rage among the ladies and, now, among thieves as well. Recently, thieves broke into a Chicago supply store and stole six duffel bags full of hair valued at over $230,000, according to the Chicago Tribune. The owner of the shop thinks the suspects will try to resell the extensions on the street or directly to other salons.

MORE: "5 Unexpected Things People Steal Every Day And One Of Them Is Human Hair"

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The Countries Most-Likely To Yield Drunken UN Delegates

Posted 3/8/13 2:00 pm EST by in Funny, News

un-eastern-europe
Credit: AFP/Getty Images

United States might be one of the more responsible countries in the United Nations, at least when it comes to showing up drunk to work. Joseph Torsella, deputy U.S. ambassador to the UN for management and reform, recently asked that delegates not show up inebriated to the next round of UN budget debates. Torsella said, "While my government is truly grateful for the strategic opportunities presented by some recent past practices, let's save the champagne for toasting the successful end of the session."

We're not sure which country's delegates he's referring to specifically, but we have some strong guesses. Lest you think we're just stereotyping Eastern Europe, the list is taken from a study on alcohol consumption per capita by the World Health Organization.

Moldova

Moldova dominates the world in both the amount of alcohol they consume and in badass saxophone performances. Perhaps you're familiar with the Moldovan band SunStroke Project's performance at the 2010 Eurovision Song Contest which gave the world Epic Sax Guy.

Czech Republic

The Czech Republic boasts the highest beer consumption per capita in the world, even without large state school football programs.
Read More...

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Idiot Or Awesome? College Kid Returns $1,800 From Busted ATM

Posted 3/7/13 11:00 am EST by in News

U.S. Dollar Closes Higher Against The S. Korean Won
Credit: Chung Sung-Jun/Getty Images

We could all use a little extra cash. Not a crazy amount, just an extra couple thousand. Wouldn't it be nice if you could just magically receive, say, $1,800?

Well, that's exactly what happened to 21-year-old University of Delaware student Devon Gluck. An ATM malfunction gave him the cash after he requested a mere $40. But instead of keeping the money, Gluck returned it to the bank. Was he being a moral upstanding gentleman, or just a sucker who skipped out on an easy payday?

Idiot

He should've taken that money and thrown the dorm party of the century. It's like he hit it big in Vegas and didn't even have to pay for the plane ticket. It's not his fault the machine was broken. Plus, the bank's money is insured anyway. When life gives you $1,800, make it rain at the club.

Awesome

Gluck might not have the easy $1,800, but he has some good karma. He should go to Vegas and try to cash it in...even if that ticket isn't free. (Oh yeah, he also won't go to jail, so that's pretty awesome for him.)

What do you think? What would you do in Gluck's shoes? Tweet us your vote!

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Neal Stastny (@NealStas) is a comedian and writer in New York.

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Hungover Links: 'Game Of Thrones' Posters, A Giant Squid & More

Posted 3/7/13 10:00 am EST by in News

trouble
"Someone's in big trouble and he knows it" via reddit

While you were drinking...

  • Spring is coming. Until then, check out the series of posters HBO released of "Game of Thrones".
  • Edward Furlong's lawyer says his client is serving six months in prison because the actor "rejected all proposals to get into drug rehabilitation."
  • Heath Kufahl, an Oklahoma City Thunder fan, hit this halfcourt shot that netted him $20,000 which he'll use to aid his wife's battle against cancer.
  • A glorious recut of "Breaking Bad" set to Foreigner's "White Lie" makes Walter White seem kinda nice.
  • For four million dollars, the Lamborghini Veneto goes from 0 to 60 in 3 seconds with a top speed of 220 mph.
  • Researcher Edith Widder's TED Talk on capturing a giant squid is even more exciting than it sounds. Watch here.

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Most Dude-Worthy Crop Of MTV Movie Nominees In Years

Posted 3/6/13 4:00 pm EST by in Movies, News

best-movie-nominees

The nominees are out for this year's MTV Movie Awards, and man are we pumped about the picks. We love the Awards every year, but after a few years dominated by boy magicians and sparkling vampires, the contenders for Movie Of The Year in 2013 are all movies for dudes. We had two badass comic book movies: "The Avengers" and "Dark Knight Rises." Tarantino made one his best, "Django Unchained," Seth McFarlane left the filthy cartoon world halfway with "Ted" and even "Silver Linings Playbook" was the best rom-com for guys in years. It also doesn't hurt that Jennifer Lawrence looks damn hot in that movie, which is also relieving 'cause we weren't sure if it was just the bow and arrow she used in "Hunger Games" that was doing it for us.

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Charlie Kasov (@charliekasov) is a comedian and cockroach/lady killer .

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Today's Dumbass: Pantsless Woman Flees DUI Scene In Toy Truck

Posted 3/6/13 3:00 pm EST by in News, Today's Dumbass

craft
Photo: Craighead Co. Sherriff's Office

When you break the law, you need a dependable getaway vehicle...one that isn't manufactured by Fisher-Price.

Last weekend, police in Jonesboro, Arkansas arrested 28-year-old Jamie Jeanette Craft for allegedly A) driving while intoxicated and without a license, B) crashing her 2001 Pontiac Grand Am into a family's trailer, C) trying to escape the scene in a child's motorized plastic truck and D) not wearing any pants, because why would she wear pants?

The homeowner reportedly forced Craft out of his son's vehicle. (He didn't have much trouble catching up, since it could only travel five miles per hour.) She yelled at him, "irate and very intoxicated," according to police, who then booked her for a number of progressively more hilarious charges.

Drunk driving is a serious crime, of course, but we just realized that we can finally afford the Hot Wheels that our parents always refused to buy us--and the beer.

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Proof Mexican Drug Dealers Have Enlisted MacGyver

Posted 3/6/13 1:00 pm EST by in News

Mexico Pot Cannon
Credit: Mexicali Public Safety Department

MacGyver was known for getting out of extreme situations by improvising with random objects. Being a lawman, he probably never tried to get 30 pounds of pot north of the border, but what if he had? Enter the MARIJUANA CANNON!

Yeah, it sounds like a nickname for some dumbass college stoner's bong, but it's actually a high-powered drug-smuggling device that police in Mexico recently confiscated. Specifically, it's a plastic pipe hooked up to an old car engine, capable of launching packages of pot airborne.

This might be the handiwork of the same guy who built the marijuana catapult that authorities discovered in 2011. But that couldn't even hurl five pounds of contraband. At this rate, smugglers will probably build their own airplanes from scrap materials soon.

If they're so inventive with transporting pot, just imagine what they must use to smoke it:

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Sean Green is a standup comedian and podcast host living in Los Angeles

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Hungover Links: Little Lebowski, Mila Kunis & More

Posted 3/6/13 10:00 am EST by in News

stabbed
Photo via The Clearly Dope

While you were drinking...

  • Little Lebowski isn't quite yet old enough for a White Russian, but he's a natural in that robe.
  • The UK's Caped Crusader IRL is a 39-year old truck driver named Stan Worby. We were hoping for a billionaire named Bruce.

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