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Mother Of The Year Hires Strippers For Teenage Son's Party

Posted 2/22/13 11:00 am EST by in News

stripper mom
Photo via South Glens Falls Police Department

Well, this gives a whole new meaning to "My Super Sweet 16." Earlier this week, police arrested 33-year-old New York mother Judy Viger for allegedly hiring strippers to perform at her son's 16th birthday extravaganza. (They grow up so fast... one day it's a Superman-themed party; the next it's a Sigmund Freud-themed party.)

The birthday boy and his friends had a great time--you know, getting their faces straddled by ladies from company Tops In Bottoms--but a bunch of parents (specifically, NOT COOL parents) saw photos on Facebook and complained to authorities, who subsequently charged Viger with multiple counts of endangering the welfare of a child.

"As difficult as it may be for us to have to weigh in on these kinds of cases," said the local district attorney. "Certainly exposing the unsuspecting children to this sort of 'entertainment' goes beyond the pale when it comes to what is appropriate."

Now, we wouldn't want our moms handing us singles to place in a g-string. But it's pretty dubious that this qualifies as a sex offense, and here's why: The strippers weren't even naked! The service Viger allegedly bought is called a "Bikinigram," for chrissakes.

Besides, Viger going to prison for years will "endanger" her son far more than a stupid lap dance. If this district attorney wants to make an arrest whenever some 16-year-old gets blue balls, there aren't enough handcuffs in the world.

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Hungover Links: 'Spring Breakers' Red Band Trailer & More

Posted 2/22/13 10:00 am EST by in News

spring
Credit: Division Films

While you were drinking last night...

  • Take a red band peek at Harmony Korine's bikini-clad foursome before "Spring Breakers" hits theaters next month.
  • "Put your number in my phone"-- a bold pick-up tactic that, according to this video, is more effective than you'd think.
  • Anne Hathaway wore what appears to be a lingerie hat to the grocery store.
  • It's the 10th anniversary for the theatrical release of Todd Phillips' instant classic "Old School." To celebrate, here are 10 GIFs.

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Hungover Links: Batwoman's Lesbian Lover & More

Posted 2/21/13 10:00 am EST by in News

batwoman kiss
Credit: DC Comics

While you were drinking last night...

  • Just when you thought a meme was dead and buried, along comes "Godfather XXX" director with the naked Harlem Shake.
  • Hey ladies, these two dudes on Craigslist need wedding dates for their cousin's wedding next month.

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Today's Dumbasses: Kansas Bros Win Lottery, Blow Up House

Posted 2/20/13 12:00 pm EST by in News, Today's Dumbass

lottery
Credit: Getty Images

Most of us fantasize about what we'd do if we bought a winning lottery ticket. None of those fantasies include going to the hospital, then going to jail, 'cause we immolated our home during a celebratory meth binge.

But according to Kansas authorities, that's exactly what two brothers did, emptying two large cans of butane lighter fluid near their furnace's pilot light. "As you might expect, ka-boom," said a sergeant with the Wichita Police Department.

One of the bros, a 27-year-old, sustained second-degree burns on his hands, arms and chest. (He wore a lottery t-shirt during the explosion.) Talk about a reversal of fortune on par with Hurley's from "Lost," and dozens of other lives ruined after a major windfall.

The sad part is that $75,000--a nice chunk of cheddar, sure--isn't enough to quit your day job over, let alone ruin your life over. Maybe if the brothers had won the full jackpot, they would've torched the entire block?

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Hungover Links: Emoji Dick, Farting 'Not Guilty' Plea & More

Posted 2/20/13 10:00 am EST by in News

count
Photo via Reddit

While you were drinking last night...

  •  As soon as the Kickstarter-backed book "Emoji Dick" gets published, the Library of Congress promises to include it in their catalog. Who says literature is dead?
  • Mao is Darkseid, Bin Laden is the Green Goblin, of course Zuckerberg is Loki. Some fine fan art from Butcher Billy.
  • YouTuber Marty Adams teaches the Internet how to make chicken cordon bleu while rolling hard.

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Hungover Links: Japanese Condom Ice Cream

Posted 2/19/13 9:45 am EST by in News

image

While you were drinking last night...

  • Homoerotic Shake: The Nyack-Tappan Zee hockey team said goodbye to the Section 1 hockey playoffs, thanks to "a borderline inappropriate video in the locker room."
  • 5.5 million views later, and the "Hot Cheetos & Takis" kids have received zero dollars in royalties for their Internet phenomenon. All the money has gone to the videographer.
  •  Canadian standup Darren Frost slays a heckler who took a cheap shot at the comic's battle with cancer. [NSFW]
  • Season eight of "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" hits DVD in September, scheduled the same month as its season nine premiere.

["Long time no see" via Flying Scotsman]

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Heart Attack Grill 'Spokesman' Dies From Heart Attack

Posted 2/13/13 6:00 pm EST by in Food, News

ht_john_alleman_jef_130212_wg
Photo: Heart Attack Grill

Nobody can accuse Las Vegas restaurant Heart Attack Grill of false advertising. The eatery just lost its second unofficial spokesperson from...yes, a heart attack, at age 52.

John Alleman, who ordered a "Single Bypass Burger," fries and a soda almost every day, suffered a massive coronary near the restaurant. He'd often stand outside it, convincing strangers to come in for lunch.

"He lived a very full life," Heart Attack Grill owner Jon Basso told the Las Vegas Sun. "He was definitely one of the boys and so much one of the boys that half the time it seemed like he was running the place."

Alleman wasn't paid for his evangelizing. (Nor was his predecessor, 575-pound Blair River, who died in 2011.) Now the restaurant is seeking a new greeter with a passion for burgers and a willingness to become another statistic in America's obesity epidemic.

But who are we to criticize? Alleman literally died doing what he loved: Eating gigantic burgers and socializing with friends. We all want to go out happy, and what could make a guy happier than a 9,982-calorie, three-pound Quadruple Bypass Burger? His diet isn't for us, but if you leave this world with a smile on your face, then you did something right.

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Montana TV Station Pranked With Zombie Apocalypse Warning [Video]

Posted 2/12/13 4:00 pm EST by in News, TV, Video


Photo: Getty Images News

We're pretty fond of zombies around here, from "The Walking Dead" to harmless pranks. You know, the kind that don't risk causing widespread panic. So we're not sure we can 100% endorse the prankster who hacked a Montana TV station to alert several counties of an in-progress zombie apocalypse.

"Civil authorities in your area have reported that the bodies of the dead are rising from their graves and attacking the living," says a muffled voice, juxtaposed with a silly pancake commercial, which would make a crappy last supper.

Applicable Guy Code in this situation? Hey, you've gotta be prepared for anything, but also skeptical. If you have a crossbow or battle ax handy, go outside and check things out. Or call the police, like four concerned Montanans did. Your best bet, however, is probably to ignore the warning, because zombies aren't real. Here's the video:

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Maker's Mark: The Bourbon For Guys Who Love Water

Posted 2/11/13 5:00 pm EST by in Code Breakers, Food, News


Credit: Denver Post via Getty Images

See that glass of bourbon? See that glass of water? You might as well mix 'em together, because that's exactly what Maker's Mark is doing. Time to stock up on the classic formula; the new one will contain 42% alcohol, not 45%. It's like New Coke all over again, except more of a betrayal.

See, the problem is too many people are drinking too much bourbon. (We don't call that a "problem" so much as a "weekend.") Kentucky can't keep up with demand--it's now responsible for more than a third of the U.S. liquor market--and there's just not enough to go around. (All right, that's a problem.)

Maker's already raised prices; unfortunate but understandable. However, there's no excuse for diluting the supply to boost profits like a weed dealer who cuts his stash with oregano. And the company's heirs think you're a sucker who doesn't know any better.

"We have both tasted it extensively, and it's completely consistent with the taste profile our founder/dad/grandfather ... created nearly 60 years ago," the scoundrels claim. "We've also done extensive testing with Maker's Mark drinkers, and they couldn't tell a difference."

Yeah, maybe, but we can tell the difference between good honest folks who sell a quality product and greedy corporate jerk-offs who charge more for less. So the next time we order a Manhattan or Old-Fashioned, we're gonna specify Jim Beam or Knob Creek or Booker's or... wait, the same company owns all those?

Fine, we're just gonna have to brew this s*** in our bathtubs. And unlike Maker's Mark, we won't turn on the faucet.

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Marty Beckerman (@martybeckerman) is the Associate Editor of Guy Code Blog

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Nigerian Prostitutes To Give Soccer Fans A Week Of 'Free Sex'

Posted 2/11/13 11:00 am EST by in News, Sports


Credit: Getty Images

Normally guys root for the home team out of pride, but Nigerian men had an extra incentive this year. The Association for Nigerian Prostitutes (which actually exists) offered a week of free sex if the national soccer team won the Africa Cup, which it just did. Finally, a reason to get fired up about soccer!

Sex workers offering freebies as a reward for their sports teams winning is nothing new. During this past NBA season, porn stars Angelina  Castro and Sara Jay offered free oral sex to any of their Twitter followers if the Miami Heat won the title. (And they made good on their offer, although dudes who showed up had to agree to be filmed.)

We don't know how many Nigerian guys will take advantage of the free sex--the lines might be prohibitively long, and wives are probably on high alert--but it's quite a moment in sports history. And quite a moment in the history of organized labor.

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Sean Green is a standup comedian and podcast host living in Los Angeles

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