Welcome to GUY CODE, the official blog of MTV2's "Guy Code" series and your online destination for all things dude, including—but not limited to—irreverent commentary on sports, hip-hop and ladies. Stay awhile and flex your manhood.
At this year's O Music Awards on June 19, three legends worthy of having their faces tattooed on your calf are up for the Analog Genius Award for using old technology in new ways. They are Neil Young, Beck and Jack White. (Daft Punk are also nominated, but we're not ready to elevate them to portrait-tat status.)
In addition to groundbreaking work, all three of these guys are lyrical sages. Their songs contain as many nuggets of relationship advice as lurid drug references. Today, we focus on the former. Here are enlightening pieces of relationship advice that worked for them and might work for you. (International fame, otherworldly creativity and millions of dollars probably help, too.)
After a breakup, don't be a baby. -- Neil Young
From "When Your Lonely Heart Breaks":
When your lonely heart breaks
Don't sit counting your mistakes
Don't be waiting
for love to come back
Don't be wastin' time
from left to right: Aaron, Elliott, Manner, Soapy Smiff, Organik, Phonetic, and Adamn
Excuse Guys are the worst. These dudes "would be" chasing their dreams if they just knew the right people, or didn't have to work so much, or lived in a better place. Instead, they walk around miserable, pissed-off that life didn't deal them a better hand.
DON'T BE THAT GUY.
With the Internet and affordable technology, you no longer need to be rich or connected, or live in Los Angeles to make a movie or be in Nashville to record a country song or be in New York City to perform comedy. And if you want to be involved in a scene of like-minded people, start your own! More than likely, there are other people around you who like the same thing; they're just waiting around for someone to take the first step.
For example, would you have guessed there is a passionate hip-hop scene in southeast Alaska? It's not just the land of ice and snow and dogsleds and whale-blubber lamps. There are talented rappers there like Manner and Phonetic, who in 2010 started Word 2 The Wize -- a nonprofit organization that produces battle events and hip-hop shows around Southeast Alaska, Anchorage and all the way down to Wyoming.
How many rappers are there in your Southeast Alaska scene?
If you don't support your local Twerk Team, you need to rethink your priorities. There are female athletes out there who are training hard every day to perfect this sport. They twerk on roofs, in knee socks, even in slow motion. They twerk for the fans. Don't leave them behind.
At this year's O Music Awards, which kicks off June 19th, twerking is one of five nominees for the "Friday, Friday" anti-award, which lets fans vote for the viral sensation they most want to die. We are here to discourage you from voting for twerking. It is timeless, like Shakespeare, and shouldn't be extinguished.
In our expert opinion, it'd be much smarter to vote for these other "Friday, Freaky" nominees...
1. Harlem Shake
If you're going to let an Internet dance craze die, let it be the Harlem Shake. Everybody was excited about it, except for everybody in Harlem. It sucks to have the worst dance videos imaginable named after your neighborhood. The Harlem Shake showcases average people convulsing in the worst way. Twerking is performed by women in stretch pants or batty riders. You make the choice.
2. Flash Mobs
Flash mobs are a public monument to heinous amateur dancing and lame weddings. The Queens of Twerk, in contrast, are professionals. They have a strong work ethic and they don't ruin your trip to the mall by getting married in front of a Brookstone.
Fashion and hip-hop are linked together like the Fourth of July and hot dog-eating contests. And while some legendary rappers put their stamp on timeless trends (for example, Run-DMC with Adidas), others have not fared as well. Here, we look at some items more likely to end up in a Salvation Army dumpster than on the backs of today's dopest MC's.
1. Cross Colours
One of the first designer brands of hip-hop clothing, Cross Colours were hugely influential, but would fade away due to a surge of competing brands and, probably, the fact that kids no longer wanted to look like a flag at the Olympics.
Slapping a woman's ass without her permission is never OK. Slapping Beyonce's ass without her permission is both not OK and really dumb. As some moron in Copenhagen (or is it GROPEnhagen?) learned this weekend, it's a one-way ticket to a public shaming and disdain from all the women on the Internet.
It's also a clear violation of concert code -- those unwritten rules all people should abide by when attending a live music performance. Here are some others.
1. Throwing things at the artist
With the exception of underwear, objects should never be thrown at an artist performing on a stage. You have to be especially stupid to throw a wallet (now you've got to cancel your credit cards and get a new driver's license, dummy) as a fan did at a Kid Cudi show. That moron's punishment? A punch in the face from Mr. Cudi himself.
The second episode of Damien Lemon's web series "D.Lemon in the Morning" is here, and this time he's riffing with Hannibal Buress from "Hip-Hop Squares." Emphasis on "hip-hop," because Hannibal is done with stand-up comedy, a lower art form that limited his brilliance. "I had to put my genius to beats," Hannibal says. "Now it's just me dumbing it down because my genius is just way ahead." Yeah, we're not sure what he's talking about, either, but we know this video is pretty damn funny. Watch it below:
Pick-up lines are well-documented as having terrible success rates, yet heads still use them...probably because rappers make 'em sound cool. But when you lay down these lyrical witticisms, they just don't carry the same weight. Instead of millions from platinum records, you'll merely earn awkward, disgusted glares from ladies.
1. "You don't know how you look to me/But if love was a crime you be a crook to me"
If you quote these smooth bars from Diddy's "I Need A Girl (Part Two)" to an actual girl, it'll sound cheesier than, "Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven?"
2. "I wonder...how would it feel, to sleep with a woman like you?/To fade that monkey 'til it's funky"
Honest questions deserve honest answers. But this question from DJ Quik's "Mo P****" will get you an answer in the form of a fist to your face.
3. "Girl I got that dope d***, now come here let me dope you/You gon' be a dope fiend, your friends should call you Dopey"
Lil Wayne can get away with this boast from "Every Girl," because he's Lil Wayne. But you can't, because you're you.
The Hangout Music Festival won the weekend and became our new favorite warm weather event. In a genius move, it combines two of the greatest things on earth, live music and sexy ladies in bikinis. How did this revelation not come to music festival promoters earlier? All outdoor events from now on should be hosted on beachfront property: renaissance fairs, hotdog eating contests, book fairs, etc. Each would be improved by the presence of women in bikinis. Below are photos of our favorite sexy ladies enjoying the music and sun.
Everybody knows that ladies love guys who can play an instrument--especially if it's a guitar--but for every rock star swimming in groupies, there's a bassoon player sitting in the corner, playing "Magic The Gathering." Here are some instruments to avoid, unless you're getting tired of all that sex you've been having.
It'll be a party for sure, but if you can't make it down to the beach, don't worry: MTV is joining forces with VH1 and CMT to stream all of the best moments from Hangout 2013 on our official Hangout Hub.
All this sounds great, but we haven't gotten to the best news yet. The very sexy Katherine Webb will be one of MTV's correspondents at the festival. The girlfriend of Alabama quarterback AJ McCarron, Webb is famous for nearly causing football commentator Brent Musberger to pass out on live TV when cameras found her in the crowd at this year's BCS National Championship Game. She's parlayed that 15 seconds of fame into national modeling work, a spot on the ABC reality show "Splash" and now working a gig with us!