Welcome to GUY CODE, the official blog of MTV2's "Guy Code" series and your online destination for all things dude, including—but not limited to—irreverent commentary on sports, hip-hop and ladies. Stay awhile and flex your manhood.
Bill Belichick has been tight-lipped about the injury status of Rob Gronkowski, although I predict he will make his season debut this week against the Saints. No spying or hidden camera is required for you to enjoy Gronkowski's alleged gal pal Britney Maclin. Being an adult film star, she isn't afraid to show some skin. Her hustle and dedication is apparent when scouting her game film, earning her a 10.5. Put that with Gronk's expected fantasy debut of 14.5, and you've got a solid 25-point total.
2013 has been a breakout year for Jordan Cameron on and off the field. He's averaging 13.7 fantasy points per game, and he snagged Victoria's Secret model Erin Heatherton, who was previously tied to Leonardo DiCaprio. If she's good enough for Leo, she's good enough for me, earning her a 9.5. Cameron should have a nice game against the Lions, worth a strong 14, bringing their total to 23.5.
After making love to that special someone (or to a regular old anybody), you can't just walk away. It's a delicate moment, during which you don't want to come off like an insensitive jerk who only cares about sex -- even if you are, in fact, exactly that. Try your best to say something sweet, and try even harder to not say anything like this...
1. "I hope that was as good for you as it was for the people watching the webcam."
2. "Sorry if I seem excited -- this is just the first time I didn't cry afterward."
3. "OK, team! Let's hit the showers!"
4. "You're like the Mariano Rivera of sex, girl, because you're a great finisher."
You're going to feel nervous on a first date, and when guys feel nervous, they tend to overcompensate with boasting. There's a lot to be said for confidence, but nobody likes a braggart, ladies most of all. You're probably making serious dating blunders if you bring up any of the following. Pay attention.
1. Your Luxury Vehicle
The only cars women know about come from rap songs these days, so unless you're driving a Bugatti, an Aston Martin or a Maybach, then your car doesn't matter that much.
2. Your Season Tickets
Are you casually mentioning these to let her know you're wealthy enough to afford them? News flash: Women don't know how much season tickets cost, and you're just making it clear that you'll spend every single weekend at the game with your boys.
3. Your Gym Routine
If you're in shape, she'll notice. If you can't stop talking about how you're in shape, she'll notice that you're in love with yourself. Save the muscle flexes for when you're alone with your mirror, or else she'll assume you're on steroids
You don't want to show up to the Halloween party all by yourself, so you've finally said "OK" to OkCupid. Your profile is up and running, but the ladies just aren't biting, despite the fact that you're clearly a catch. Here are seven things that may be sending girls running away from you faster than they would from Michael Myers.
1. Hiding Your Face In Your Profile Pic
They're called "selfies," not "cell-phies," so don't cover your face with your smartphone in the mirror. If you don't have a picture you like, take a page from girls and shoot yourself from above, stretching your arm as high above your face as possible. This is a universally flattering angle and will showcase the fact that you actually have a face.
2. Using "LOL"
OMG. LOL and its related abbreviations should be reserved for teenaged girls and moms who just learned how to text. Plus, there's something unsettling and narcissistic about someone who LOL's at their own statements LOL.
3. Putting "Casual Sex" As One Of The Things You're Looking For
Most girls safely assume that most dudes are down for casual sex. Spelling it out spells a one-track mind. Opt instead for the "Short Term Dating" description.
Once you hit a certain age, Halloween stops being about getting candy and starts being about getting turned on by ladies' revealing costumes. Does trying to make a crayon sexy sound like a dumb idea? Yes. Is it possible to be turned on by a hot girl wearing a tight, skimpy crayon outfit? Also, yes.
We're not proud that we can be attracted to a crayon, but we'd be lying if we tried to pretend otherwise. Here are some other costumes that get us all mixed up inside.
Sorority sisters are like the caviar of college girls: Pretty and decadent on the outside, but an acquired taste and sometimes overrated. Lucky for you, sorority girls make up only a small part of the female student body, which is good if you're anti-Greek life. But as it turns out, there are actually a lot of reasons why they make A+ girlfriends...and just as many reasons why they don't. Before you decide to "go Greek" (with girls, that is), check out these arguments and know what you're in for.
Reasons Why You SHOULD Date A Sorority Girl
1. They're Committed
Some girls insist they don't want a boyfriend because they're "afraid of commitment," which is usually just slang for "not interested." Luckily, choosing to be part of Greek life means pledging your lifelong allegiance to Kappa Kappa Kappa or whatever, so dating a sorority sister means you know she's capable of committing to something. Just make sure you keep being the kind of guy she wants to commit to, because she has a lot of options if you start taking her for granted.
2. They're Concerned With Upkeep
The stress of college life can make some girls look haggard and forget to wash their hair by the first round of midterms. Sorority girls, however, generally look decent year-round because they're always having to dress up for special events and formals. This also means they're more inclined to keep in shape to fit into those dresses, which is a bonus for you.
3. They Have "Sisters"
Sorority girls tend to travel in packs, which means they're constantly surrounded by fellow hot girls. This is only going to be an issue for you if you can't keep your sights set on just one girl. Otherwise, it's awesome because you can set up all your friends with her sisters and be a freakin' hero.
Guys can be dumb in all kinds of ways, from infantile pranks to ill-advised stunts to plain old saying the dumbest thing possible in any given social situation -- but we nevertheless pride ourselves on our reasoning abilities. We're creatures of logic, determined to form an orderly line to the restroom and GTFO as quickly as possible. We don't let emotions cloud our judgment -- that's what beer is for.
In a relationship, though, you'll be faced with situations that don't make any sense whatsoever, a Bizarro World where the only consistency is inconsistency. It's OK to be confused -- just click through these memes and know that guys everywhere understand your total lack of understanding.
The average ESPN National Cheerleading Champion doesn't pursue a career in comedy, but Syd Wilder from Seth Rogen's "This Is The End" and YouTube hit "How To Take A Slutty Selfie" is more than just another pretty face...or, pretty body...or, pretty, um...the point is, she's real pretty. Anyway, Syd called us up to chat about her latest outrageous video, "How To Twerk With Seniors" (instructing 80-year-olds in the ways of Miley Cyrus) and why guys shouldn't be afraid to date women who are funnier than us.
Thanks for taking the time to talk. How's it going? I'm hungover in bed right now -- I was out celebrating my birthday.
Is it your actual birthday today? Or yesterday? I don't really remember if it's my birthday...I think it was Thursday. It's been a week-long celebration. I hired a big fatass lady who taught twerking and booty-dancing to all my girlfriends, and we were drunk all over the floor like toddlers. That was fun.
Aren't you the twerking teacher? My girlfriends don't learn well from me.