Welcome to GUY CODE, the official blog of MTV2's "Guy Code" series and your online destination for all things dude, including—but not limited to—irreverent commentary on sports, hip-hop and ladies. Stay awhile and flex your manhood.
Guys lie to girls. Girls lie to guys. And that's how society functions. You've probably told plenty of whoppers to the ladies, from "I'll come right home after work" to "your sister is not that attractive." Well, they're fibbing right back, as Dumb As A Blog points out:
The truth: Seriously? Of course something is wrong. Isn't there always something wrong? If it isn't his mangled toenail clippings smattering the bathroom floor, it's his lack of empathy for the women on "Army Wives."
"I'm cool with you going to a strip club"
The truth: This is actually a brilliant subterfuge passed down by great women since Helen of Troy. The woman gives the man just enough room to do something completely ridiculous and then uses her subsequent rage to run amok for months, without repercussions.
"It's okay you forgot"
The truth: A man forgetting important events is like a terrorist attack on a woman's heart. Though she may move on, she'll have to bear the scars of that fateful day forever.
Every now and then, you see a ridiculously hot chick dating a total schlub. It's like "Beauty and the Beast," without the happy ending, because you're not that schlub. On next week's "Guy Code," Andrew Schulz goes out on the streets to ask New Yorkers about "How'd-he," as in "How'd he get with her?"
We bring this up because we were watching the smokin' hot new video of Kate Upton stripping in Antarctica for Sports Illustrated. That got us thinking (once we were capable of thought again) about the dating rumors that surround Upton and Tigers pitcher Justin Verlander. How'd he pull off every living guy's fantasy?
Verlander isn't a hideous troll or anything...and sure, he's a great pitcher. But c'mon, Kate Upton is arguably the hottest woman on the planet, and she chooses this goofy-lookin' dude? How'd-he?
Every guy wonders how many of his female coworkers and fellow bar patrons find him sexually attractive. Well, the fashion industry might've solved this mystery. The prototype "Intimacy 2.0" dress from Daan Roosegaarde supposedly becomes transparent when a woman is turned on, thanks to heartbeat-reading "e-foils." (It's the biggest technological advancement in clothing since Hypercolor.)
Sounds awesome, right? The future will be full of naked women everywhere? Maybe, but this dress could actually complicate things. No matter how much your girlfriend is into you, you're not the most attractive guy in the world. What if her dress turns invisible for your roommate or best friend? (Now you're angry and aroused.)
And what if guys are subsequently expected to wear invisible trousers? Isn't airport security embarrassing enough? Here's the promo video, so decide for yourself:
PMS spells doom for dudes. If you're not careful around your girlfriend during that time of the month, you'll catch a premenstrual whupping, or at least an earful of abuse. But if you view the glass as half-full instead of half-empty, some of her PMS symptoms can actually be a gift to you, not a curse. Tough to believe, we know, but hear us out...
Her back is sore--perfect opportunity to give her a massage, which is an obvious gateway to boning. Go the extra mile: Light some candles, play a little Robin Thicke, commence your thug shiatsu. She'll be putty in your hands. Besides, sex can ease her cramps, so you're really doing her a favor.
You've made your move mid-massage, but she's got a PMS migraine. You bring her Advil and then sadly whack off in the bathroom. But here's the thing: She just turned down sex, which means next time you ask, she'll feel obligated. It's the perfect opportunity to fulfill your weird fantasies. "C'mon, baby, just wear the Princess Toadstool costume! Last week you had that headache, remember? You owe me!"
+ For more on PMS, watch "Guy Code" tonight at 11/10c on MTV2
Hollywood's a fickle place. One minute you're slobbering over the new "It Girl," and the next minute you're wondering, "Whatever happened to... what's her name again?" But there's always the possibility of a comeback. Our friends at Guyism came up with a list of "50 Women We Want to See More Of in 2013":
Hard to believe that Izabella is only 32 because we first fell for her her back in 2000 with her role in "Coyote Ugly." Since then though it's been slim pickings for the gorgeous blonde from Poland. Sure, she played Athena in "Clash of the Titans," but we want a little more.
Can someone please explain to us why Kelly Carlson hasn't had any starring movie roles? Seriously. Especially back in the day when she was the hottest thing going on "Nip/Tuck"? (Who can forget that lesbian scene with AnnaLynne McCord?) Did she not want to do films? Damn but she could have really steamed up the big screen. Even now, at age 36, she could still bring it if she was just given the chance. Perhaps she needs a better agent.
The last episode of "Lost" was in 2010. Since then all we've seen Evangeline appear in is "Real Steel," where she was fantastic, in 2011. Unfortunately she's pretty much disappeared since while shooting two of "The Hobbit" movies. Good news for some people since one of them is set to be released this year, and bad news for others, like us, who think that isn't exactly the type of role we want to see her in. Patience is a virtue, right?
Valentine's Day is a high-risk, high-reward endeavor. Correctly guess your girlfriend's taste in gifts, and you're in for some "gifts" of your own. But if you choose poorly, you'll lose even more points than you would for a crappy Christmas or birthday present, because those celebrations aren't all about your commitment to each other.
The good news: Tiffany Luu from "Guy Code" is here to help you avoid the wrong decision, and maybe (by some miracle) pick the right one. We ran some V-Day classics by her, as well as unorthodox suggestions from gift guides around the web.
+ Watch Tiffany on "Guy Code" this Tuesday at 11p/10c on MTV2 and follow her on Twitter Read More...
When women of the Bible come to mind, you normally think of nice, wholesome ladies walking around with buckets of water on their heads, caring for loads of children. (And they have "hab" somewhere in their names--Achab, Rahab, Bethabara, you get the idea.)
But the Holy Book definitely had its fair share of bad girls. And we're not talking bad girls with a rough exterior and a heart of gold; we're talking some who are downright evil. From Delilah (who chopped off Samson's hair) to the infamous Jezebel (who was just a total pain in God's ass), these are women whom the devil himself wouldn't dare to mess with.
Back in "Guy Code" Season Two, the gang made it clear that a man never, never gets a pedicure. Just clip your nails in the privacy of your home... or better yet, bite them into shape like an animal.
But we're gonna make an exception to that rule: If you get a chance to hit a foot spa with porn star/director Joanna Angel, as comedian Ben Kronberg does in the below SFW video. Not only 'cause she's super hot (those tattoos make us feel... things), but also smart and funny and cool. Just make sure you have a conveniently placed blanket.
Watch the whole thing for answers to your burning questions about the industry, and discover why Joanna is jealous of Snooki.
Every guy wants a Super Duper Power, whether it's the ability to teleport or shape-shift or shoot lasers out of his eyeballs. (Why is Cyclops nobody's favorite X-Man? Wolverine gets all the love.) But for A$AP Rocky, Professor Xavier has the ideal power: Being able to read women's minds.
That could be a scary, downright horrifying proposition--Mel Gibson made a whole movie about it, and look how he turned out--but the way Rocky sees it, while guys are totally open about our desires, "Women are way more confidential... they keep it discreet." And he wants to know how freaky they really are...
On Wednesday afternoon, Te'o issued a public statement: "This is incredibly embarrassing to talk about, but over an extended period of time, I developed an emotional relationship with a woman I met online. We maintained what I thought to be an authentic relationship by communicating frequently online and on the phone, and I grew to care deeply about her."