Welcome to GUY CODE, the official blog of MTV2's "Guy Code" series and your online destination for all things dude, including—but not limited to—irreverent commentary on sports, hip-hop and ladies. Stay awhile and flex your manhood.
If you don't support your local Twerk Team, you need to rethink your priorities. There are female athletes out there who are training hard every day to perfect this sport. They twerk on roofs, in knee socks, even in slow motion. They twerk for the fans. Don't leave them behind.
At this year's O Music Awards, which kicks off June 19th, twerking is one of five nominees for the "Friday, Friday" anti-award, which lets fans vote for the viral sensation they most want to die. We are here to discourage you from voting for twerking. It is timeless, like Shakespeare, and shouldn't be extinguished.
In our expert opinion, it'd be much smarter to vote for these other "Friday, Freaky" nominees...
1. Harlem Shake
If you're going to let an Internet dance craze die, let it be the Harlem Shake. Everybody was excited about it, except for everybody in Harlem. It sucks to have the worst dance videos imaginable named after your neighborhood. The Harlem Shake showcases average people convulsing in the worst way. Twerking is performed by women in stretch pants or batty riders. You make the choice.
2. Flash Mobs
Flash mobs are a public monument to heinous amateur dancing and lame weddings. The Queens of Twerk, in contrast, are professionals. They have a strong work ethic and they don't ruin your trip to the mall by getting married in front of a Brookstone.
Fashion and hip-hop are linked together like the Fourth of July and hot dog-eating contests. And while some legendary rappers put their stamp on timeless trends (for example, Run-DMC with Adidas), others have not fared as well. Here, we look at some items more likely to end up in a Salvation Army dumpster than on the backs of today's dopest MC's.
1. Cross Colours
One of the first designer brands of hip-hop clothing, Cross Colours were hugely influential, but would fade away due to a surge of competing brands and, probably, the fact that kids no longer wanted to look like a flag at the Olympics.
The second episode of Damien Lemon's web series "D.Lemon in the Morning" is here, and this time he's riffing with Hannibal Buress from "Hip-Hop Squares." Emphasis on "hip-hop," because Hannibal is done with stand-up comedy, a lower art form that limited his brilliance. "I had to put my genius to beats," Hannibal says. "Now it's just me dumbing it down because my genius is just way ahead." Yeah, we're not sure what he's talking about, either, but we know this video is pretty damn funny. Watch it below:
Pick-up lines are well-documented as having terrible success rates, yet heads still use them...probably because rappers make 'em sound cool. But when you lay down these lyrical witticisms, they just don't carry the same weight. Instead of millions from platinum records, you'll merely earn awkward, disgusted glares from ladies.
1. "You don't know how you look to me/But if love was a crime you be a crook to me"
If you quote these smooth bars from Diddy's "I Need A Girl (Part Two)" to an actual girl, it'll sound cheesier than, "Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven?"
2. "I wonder...how would it feel, to sleep with a woman like you?/To fade that monkey 'til it's funky"
Honest questions deserve honest answers. But this question from DJ Quik's "Mo P****" will get you an answer in the form of a fist to your face.
3. "Girl I got that dope d***, now come here let me dope you/You gon' be a dope fiend, your friends should call you Dopey"
Lil Wayne can get away with this boast from "Every Girl," because he's Lil Wayne. But you can't, because you're you.
So you want to play music and even do some home producing, huh? Are you sure? You know that making music yields no money for most artists, right? Are you ready for a life of poverty that might or might not lead to gigs at dingy bars? Really?
Well, you're still here, so we'll give you some pointers to get you started. Forget about "Big Pimpin'" yacht parties and wearing clothes you laughed at when you were broke; you have to get your skills down before thinking about anything close to the big time.
1. Spend a little dough on equipment
As you'll quickly realize, music's not a cheap hobby, from buying equipment to going all-in with a DAW. Spend time researching items you'll need, and try them out at a music shop before you commit. A combination of local Guitar Centers, Sam Ashes and mom-and-pop shops probably have what you need on display.
Online customer reviews and other secondhand accounts are helpful, but if you don't feel comfortable with whatever you're using, you're only playing yourself.
Last week, we reached out to you on Twitter to find out what you'd ask a member of the Illuminati if given the opportunity. Through a series of complicated sources and connections we were able to send those questions to "Dave," who refused to explain how he became a member, but proved it by setting up a 2013 MTV Movie Award win for Martin Freeman in the Best Hero category. We didn't ask him to do it, but he said he "was tired of 'The Avengers'" winning everything.
Here are Dave's answers to your questions. Be sure to follow us on Twitter for future Q&A sessions with Dave.
We are not an "organization" and people do not have "jobs" with us. We are an all-encompassing circle of control that can hot-wire your thoughts and make you send pornographic e-mails to your grandparents. Sometimes for fun, we invent a new animal just to see if people can figure out how to kill it. So no, you cannot "get a job" with us, but here is a link to a place where you can: www.KMart.comRead More...
Jay-Z recently announced that he's selling his share in the Brooklyn Nets to pursue his NBA agent certification. His company, Roc Nation, has partnered up with CAA to form Roc Nation Sports, a heavyweight hitter of athlete management firms. Here are five reasons why we're convinced Jay-Z will dominate as a sports agent.
1. He Knows How To Close A Nine Figure Deal
Jay-Z secured $150 million from Live Nation in 2008, even after his 2007 album "American Gangster" failed to go multi-platinum. A $150 million deal after a disappointing performance? Can you imagine what he could get Manti Te'o?
2. Access To The Entertainment World
Rappers want to be athletes and athletes want to be rappers. Sure, Scott Boras can get you a contract, but can he score you studio time with the best hip-hop producers in the world? Shaq, Chris Webber, Kobe Bryant and Metta World Peace all would've gladly accepted (and benefited from) Jay-Z's rap mentoring.
Celebrating his big day got us wondering: Where are some of the other big rappers from the '90s these days?
Credit: Getty Images
Guess what Nas is doing right now? That's right, still rapping. According to his Twitter feed, Nasty Nas is set to release the name of his new album next month, and he's apparently pissed that he didn't get to see Pearl Jam in concert last week.
Does it count as "morning sex" when you do it right after an evening nap? Joe Budden says it does, which is great because who doesn't love morning sex? Now you can do it twice in day, as long as you take a nap. But guess what is even better than morning sex in the late afternoon? Morning sex in the late afternoon with twins!
Budden really knows how to start off a Good Ass Night and it only gets better from there. The Slaughterhouse member doesn't stop with only one set of twins and keeps the party going until it's time for even more morning sex, this time in a group.
+ Watch the season finale of "Guy Code" tomorrow at 11/10c on MTV2