Credit: Getty Images
ESPN recently reported the International Olympic Committee is mulling over the idea of three-on-three hoops. We lit up at the possibility and immediately put together our dream teams of three. Of course, we could take the easy way out and simply break down Team USA or pair them with their NBA teammates, but WHAT FUN IS THAT? Instead, we worked with a few simple rules:
#1: No member of (what we will assume will be) Team USA can compete in three-on-three. Yep, sorry LeBron and D-Wade--you manipulated NBA free agency, but you will not control the entire universe of b-ball.
#2: They have to be American or from their country of origin. We avoided such traps as putting together a Lithuanian team of three 'cause let's face it, if we did, you wouldn't even read past this sentence.
#3: We ignored positions and just slapped together three players according to how we see them fitting together. We barely paid attention to their skills at all, instead focusing ont their looks, situations, personalities, etc.
Jon Gabrus may look like a burly lumberjack, but he's a geek at heart. And one of his biggest nerd passions is "Game of Thrones." Since he's always willing to wax poetic about his (second) favorite show (after "Guy Code"), we asked him to do it in front of a webcam and gives us a short recap of each week's episode, with the Most Guy Code Moment as the kicker.
Last night's show was a perfect time to start. From a fiery farewell to a distinguished lord to Podrick Payne's roll with four circus performer-like prostitutes, it is an uber-manly episode to be sure. But what is the most Guy Code moment? Watch the video above to find out.
+ Follow Guy Code on Twitter, Facebook and Tumblr
Credit: Associated Press
It can be hard to rock a badass hairstyle, especially when you add factors beyond your control like baldness, cowlicks and apathy. Sure, Johnny Depp can pull off the long, unwashed look, and Brad Pitt nails the unkempt beard/butt-cut combo, but you're probably not them. Here are some hair choices for most guys to avoid.
1. Using More Product Than Your Girlfriend
Credit: Bravo/Getty Images
Girls don't want to run their fingers through your hair and suffer a laceration. Taking pride in your appearance is one thing; spending hours in front of the mirror working on your locks is narcissistic personality disorder.
Credit: Erika Goldring/Getty Images
Howard Stern is the self-proclaimed King of All Media. This was a title he anointed himself before the internet exploded, but we don't deny his success. In fact, if we had to sculpt a Mount Rushmore of Guy Code, rest assured, Stern's mug would be right on there. But we browsed through the list of people Stern follows on Twitter, and (like with Sylvester Stallone) couldn't help raising our eyebrows. Showbiz makes for strange bedfellows...
1. Martha Quinn
Quinn was one of the first MTV hires, back in the era when VJ's ruled the network. She'd intro videos by Duran Duran, A Flock of Seagulls and other '80s acts with hair that could stab birds mid-flight. On Twitter, Quinn sticks to her guns, tweeting about music most of us don't remember. We can only assume Stern follows her 'cause of the music news?
Credit: Justin Sullivan/Getty Images
Sure, it's a tough job market for students graduating from college--many of them face a choice between flipping burgers and moving back in with their parents--but quit whining! Throughout history, there have been way tougher occupations. Do you really want to get paid to eat food off corpses? Or steal them for aspiring surgeons? Take that unpaid internship and get over yourself, 'cause you don't have it as bad as these guys did.
Before the nineteenth century in England, people wanted to make sure that their family members were absolved of sins after death. So, in a cleansing ritual, they'd place a crust of bread on the corpse's chest, which would supposedly absorb the deceased's sins, and then hire a sin-eater to consume it. Not only did sin-eaters make a quick buck for ingesting all that evil, they also got a free meal. Not a bad gig!
2. Gong Farmer
"Janitor" isn't considered a cushy job today, but it's definitely an improvement over the gong farmer of Tudor England. Before modern plumbing, gong farmers shoveled piles of human waste from cesspits, and transported those piles outside the town. If you showed a picture of a toilet to a gong farmer, he'd cry tears of joy over its sheer beauty.
Photos: Getty Images
Every time we fire up the Twitter machine and notice a celebrity's name is trending, we try to guess the reason. Most of the time the reason would make the person blush. Today, for example, Padres outfielder Carlos Quentin is trending 'cause he broke pitcher Zach Greinke's collarbone after getting hit by the ball. Not exactly why you want to become a trending topic.
This list covers pretty much every embarrassing scenario. Let's get to it.
1. Your sex tape leaked
Photo: Getty Images
The caveat is if you leaked it intentionally to launch a career (the Kardashian rule).
Recent examples: Hulk Hogan, Former Miss Teen Delaware
Photo via mirror.co.uk
We've all gone overboard with public displays of affection, but for most of us, the only witnesses were the few people still at the bar at 4 a.m. For this Australian couple, however, the audience was considerably larger.
When the Google Street View car drove down Dukes Highway in South Australia, it captured two people seemingly boning on the side of the road. The woman waved at the camera as the man stood behind her with his pants around his ankles, drinking a beer.
Although Google Street View has captured embarrassing moments before, there's speculation that this one is staged. A Reddit user claims it's "me and my missus," and that they sped up to pose for the photo after seeing Google's car.
If he's telling the truth (and who on the internet isn't?), he at least took advantage of a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Still, speeding down back roads with beer in your car is definitely not worth trending online for a day.
Google has since censored the image, because nobody has ever used Google to find images of people having sex.
+ Follow Guy Code on Twitter, Facebook and Tumblr
Neal Stastny (@NealStas) is a comedian and writer in New York.
Credit: Paul Ellis/Getty Images
Guys don't like to express a lot of emotion. We prefer stoicism over showing the outside world how we're feeling. And truth be told, we don't feel much of an emotional range beyond anger, happiness and indifference.
But one guy who has no problem showing his feelings is Manchester United's Phil Jones. The British are known for keeping their composure, but Jones doesn't follow that tradition. His face might as well be big block letters that spell out his mood. If you have trouble expressing your own feelings, just show people the corresponding Phil Jones picture.
Credit: Mark Kolbe/Getty Images
The weather is finally getting nicer around the country, which means that bars are opening their gardens and roof decks. Day drinking is a classic spring/summer tradition--we all love an afternoon BBQ--but it comes with certain risks, such as dehydration from the sun and being hungover by 7 p.m.
To help you not make a fool of yourself, we've found some examples of people who got a little too excited about day drinking. The next time you hear yourself saying, "Well, it's five o'clock somewhere," remember these idiots.
1. You forget that bathrooms exist
Police in Florida recently arrested a man at 7:30 p.m. for allegedly exposing himself and defecating on the sidewalk outside a Burger King, then passing out beside empty cans of Four Loko. While it might be hard to find a public restroom at night, during the day you can just walk inside a fast food establishment.
2. You might destroy public property
When you're enjoying the sunshine, it's easy to forget that your actions have consequences. Like the Russian soldier who got hammered in the morning and drove his tank into a lamppost.
Credit: Kevin T. Levesque/Getty Images
Every once in a while, Guy Code Blog likes to explore the planet and learn about majestic creatures. During today's tour, we're gonna take the ol' pontoon boat for a spin on Borneo's Kinabatangan River, hoping to see some proboscis monkeys. Feel free to ask questions, and keep your hands and feet inside the vessel at all times.
"Whoa! I think I see one! Good lord, it's hideous!"
That's right, Tommy. The proboscis monkey is not an attractive animal, but that huge nose is all the rage in its riverside universe. The male proboscis monkey uses his nose to emit honking noises that impress females and strike fear into the hearts of his competitors. Wouldn't it be neat to do that with your nose?
"What's that red thing?!"
Well, Bobby, unfortunately that's his penis. Strangely enough, the male proboscis monkey has jet black testicles and a bright red shaft, making his package look like Darth Vader holding a lightsaber. The male proboscis monkey constantly has an erection, which pokes into his belly. He uses his boner to attract female proboscis monkeys, and to dominate the leafy canopy like a Sith lord.