Funny - Part 6

Happy Cinco De Mayo: If You Don't Like Cilantro, You're Wrong

Posted 5/3/13 1:00 pm EST by Marty Beckerman in Food, Funny

cilantro

Taste is subjective, varying from person to person. Some of us prefer ketchup, some prefer mustard. Some of us prefer chocolate, some prefer vanilla. However, certain things--true things, like science, mathematics and Guy Code--are objective. And if you hate cilantro, you are objectively wrong.

Let's examine the facts. Most human beings love cilantro, as well they should. It's a staple of cuisines ranging from Asia to Africa to the Mediterranean to Europe to Latin America. So right off the bat, if you don't like cilantro, you're (statistically speaking) inhuman.

Have you ever eaten guacamole without cilantro? It's like having sex if you chopped your dick off. Celebrating Cinco de Mayo this weekend without cilantro would be like celebrating St. Paddy's in a Union Jack shirt: Ignorant at best, intolerant at worst. How did you get this way? No baby is born a bigot, whether against Irishmen or coriander.

Wait, you say, scientists believe cilantro aversion is genetic, so--due to a chemical reaction that makes cilantro taste like soap in my mouth--I was born hating it.

You were also born pissing and s***ting yourself, but that's not appropriate behavior over the age of three (and under the age of 80). Expand your palate! We thought beer tasted gross when we were 12, and now we put it on our Corn Flakes, along with cilantro.

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6 Ways To Deal With Your Embarrassing Mom

Posted 5/2/13 6:00 pm EST by Kara Klenk in Celebs, Funny, TV

Vinny
Credit: MTV

How is it that moms can give birth to you, raise you and help you through any difficult situation...yet still have no idea how embarrassing they can be?

With Mother's Day coming up, we thought we'd check in with the mother of "Jersey Shore" star Vinny Guadagnino, to get some tips on dealing with cringe-worthy mom moments. Since his mom is also his costar in his new show "The Show With Vinny," premiering tonight at 10/9c on MTV, he's got plenty of experience with mom-based humiliation.

Read on for the tips and a few sneak peeks from Vinny's new series.

1. Showing Baby Pictures

This is the classic mom move. She just can't get enough of how adorable you were as a baby, so she offers a peek to anyone who walks through the front door. One or two pics are harmless, but try to stop her before she breaks out the potty training shots. No one needs to see that.
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Tags Embarrassing, mom, Mother's Day, Mothers, the show with vinny, Vinny Guadagnino

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5 Other Defeats Of France We Can Celebrate Like Cinco De Mayo

Posted 5/2/13 5:00 pm EST by Neal Stastny in Funny

Angelenos Celebrate Cinco De Mayo
Credit: Kevork Djansezian/Getty Images

We can't wait for this weekend because Cinco de Mayo is one of our favorite holidays. In fact, we wish we could celebrate it several times per year...but of course it only falls on May 5, when--in 1862--the Mexican Army defeated the French at the Battle of Puebla.

Still, why not celebrate other cultures (and their alcohol) by commemorating their victories over France? We've gone through our old history textbooks to come up with new holidays.

1. 25 October

On October 25, 1415 (or "25 October, 1415" in the U.K.), the English Army won a huge victory over the French in the Hundred Years War at the Battle of Agincourt. Americans should use this day to get in touch with our county's British heritage. Let's wear those Buckingham Palace guard hats, say "brilliant" instead of "awesome," drink Beefeater Gin and eat...well, let's just skip their food.

2. Erste September

Usually you don't want to celebrate German military victories, but the Battle of Sedan was in the Franco-Prussian war, so it's probably fine. Since the battle happened on September 1, 1870, think of this holiday as a warmup to Oktoberfest. Any excuse to drink German beer (and see women in dirndls) sounds good to us.

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What Hockey Players Would Look Like With Gold Teeth [Photos]

Posted 5/2/13 4:00 pm EST by Charlie Kasov in Funny, Photos, Sports

Zach Stortini

Americans think of football as the toughest sport, but let's reconsider that for a second. When two diesel linemen have beef, don't they just grab at each other's face masks until a puny ref pulls them apart? And isn't a team dentist only there to keep the players' teeth white for the cameras?

We thought so. On the other hand, when hockey players fight, they don't even wear masks, and the refs don't get in the way until they decide that one guy's face is sufficiently pulpy. Oh yeah, a hockey team's dentist is busy enough to put your kids through college, too.

The main reason hockey players aren't selling Gatorade like the rest of the jocks is that these fights leave 'em ugly and toothless. It's not fair, so we gave some of them teeth again. Gold teeth.

Alexander Ovechkin

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Cover Letters: Investigating Illegal Cable

Posted 5/2/13 2:00 pm EST by Michael McGrath in Funny

illegal-cable
Credit: Steve Craft

Every day I apply to jobs. Sometimes two, sometimes twenty. The positions range from sperm donor to seventh grade teacher. The entire process is a humiliating bummer, but the applications do occasionally provide delusional fragments of an alternate life, as well as opportunities for personal reflections. Cover Letters explores these fragments and reflections and the jobs that inspire them.

Position: Plant Security Investigator, Cable Co.

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am a writer with a terminal degree and many interests and experiences relevant to the position of Plant Security Investigator. For starters, I loathe liars. Also, I love justice, accountability and television. Not just appointment viewing--moon landings, New Jersey onion rings, national horrors and athletic triumphs--I'm talking constant companionship, that warm blue glow. So I read your advertisement with great interest. I skipped over a few of the requirements, that blur of acronyms, and went straight to the meat: "investigating claims of unauthorized connections to services."

Now, we're talking illegal cable here, right? Okay, I am uniquely qualified for this position. One of the fathers in my middle school car pool stole cable with a "hot box." It bothered me. This led to a few fierce debates that cost us ice cream parlor pit stops. Back then I was pretty sure anyone with illegal cable was connected to organized crime (it was around this time I wrote a letter to John Gotti asking if he wanted a pen pal), but mostly I was jealous of this guy's kids. I was raised on one hour of TV a week. Sometimes I'd binge on TGIF and spend the rest of the weekend itchy. Other weeks I'd watch the last three minutes of twenty different college basketball games.
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Tags cover letters, how to write a cover letter, illegal cable

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5 Sports That Guys Play Just To Drink

Posted 5/2/13 1:00 pm EST by Zachary Sims in Funny, Sports

FC Ingolstadt v Eintracht Braunschweig- 2. Bundesliga
Credit: Getty Images

Guys like beer. Like, a lot. We also like sports...almost as much as beer. Combine the two and you've got a match made in Guy Heaven. Here are the sports guys play solely to get s***faced either during or immediately after.

1. Bowling

Bowling can be traced back to the ancient Egyptians, who were probably just in it for the pitchers of beer and wings. How much do guys like beer and wings? We'll join leagues to wear embarrassing shirts and play a game that was new and exciting when Moses was around, even though videos of people getting punched by kangaroos now exist.

2. Fishing

Hunting under the influence is terrifying. Fishing buzzed, on the other hand, is living the good life. Get out on the water, wear one of those hats with all the hooks on it...and, if necessary, use a beer cooler as a life raft.

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Diehard Degenerate: Betting On The Kentucky Derby

Posted 5/2/13 11:00 am EST by Sean Green in Funny, Sports

Kentucky Derby
Credit: Robb Carr / Getty Images

Sean Green hosts the Sports Gambling Podcast and is our expert on losing money.

The Kentucky Derby is full of longstanding traditions such as drinking mint juleps, girls wearing giant hats and everyone's favorite, running atop Porta Potties. The greatest tradition, however, happens off-course: Betting a week's paycheck for two minutes of action on an animal that has literally no idea what the hell is going on.

The Lingo

To avoid sounding like a complete douche by asking your bookie what a "trifecta" is, here's a quick rundown of horse gambling terminology:

Show = Horse gets third or better
Place = Horse gets second or better
Win = Don't overthink this one
Purse = Owner's payday for winning the race, this year $2.18 million
Box = Pick the horses in top two or three, no particular order
Exacta / Perfecta = Pick the first two horses in order
Trifecta = Pick the first three horses in order
Superfecta = Pick the first four horses in order and tell your girlfriend you need a "break" when you cash in huge

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Applying Boxers' Absurd Ring Entrances To Your Life

Posted 5/1/13 4:00 pm EST by Will Garre in Funny, Sports

Naseem Hamed v Manuel Calvo
Photo: John Gichigi/Getty Images

The boxing ring is a place where the world's best fighters stand toe-to-toe until one of them can stand no longer. But it's also a place where they can indulge their spirit of theatricality. For many boxers, the ring walk is an opportunity for bizarre displays of machismo that leave audiences feeling weird inside.

But there's more to these flashy, dramatic ring walks than pure entertainment value...they can teach guys about making a proper entrance. Here are the best ring entrances of all time, and how you--the average palooka--can use them to make yourself the coolest guy around, pound-for-pound.

1. Bernard "The Executioner" Hopkins's X Hood

This executioner's hood is poorly executed. Judging by the look on his face, Hopkins made this costume himself and immediately regretted it.

Takeaway: This is a great way to enter the gym, specifically for a spin class. The key is that you keep your personal rapper next to you at all times, and make sure your eye holes don't go askew.

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How To Safeguard Yourself From A Snooping Girlfriend

Posted 5/1/13 3:00 pm EST by Kara Klenk in Funny, Ladies, Relationships

Credit: YouTube

Lying, cheating and sneaking around are not acceptable boyfriend behaviors and if you engage in them, statistics are not in your favor and you will most likely get caught. However, sometimes girls can get too paranoid, and the next thing you know they've thrown on their best detective jacket and are knee deep in a background search on you.

The ladies of "Girl Code" discussed their love for snooping on last night's episode, so here's how to protect yourself from an over-curious girlfriend...

1. Clear Your Search History

Look, girls know you're the worst version of yourself online, whether you're looking up dirty porn, playing online poker or commenting on "Star Trek" fan fiction threads. Whatever weird hobbies and fetishes you have, Firefox knows all about them. Lucky for you, browsers were invented by men with nosy girlfriends, which is why it only takes a couple of clicks for you to erase all your shameful transgressions. Start getting in the habit of cleaning up after yourself online.

2. Throw Away Receipts

If you buy some kind of sexy gift for a mistress and keep the receipt, you're too dumb for us to help you. But even if you're not cheating on your woman, it's a good idea to get rid of receipts that she could nag you about: Fast food, comic books and a bar tab from that night you said, "No, I really do wanna see 'The Big Wedding,' I'm just feeling sick, gonna lay low tonight." She will use it against you in a court of withholding sex. so might as well ditch the evidence immediately.

Tags e-mail, facebook, Girlfriends, phones, Snooping

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How To Take A Dump In A Unisex Bathroom

Posted 4/30/13 5:00 pm EST by Charlie Kasov in Funny, Ladies

unisex bathroom Credit: Peter Dazeley

The unisex bathroom is the worst invention since the ______ (insert any invention here). Whether you're at a bar or anywhere else with a single toilet, the thought of a hot girl entering right after you've released the stink hounds is terrifying. Don't let your sphincter wipe out your game! Here are five ways to save your dignity.

1. Make It Look Like You Were Just Peeing

This is the most effective method on two conditions: The person behind you in line had to see someone leave the bathroom before you went in, and you have to be quick. That means no reading or playing video games in there.

Your face will be red from the speedy pushing, but if you leave the seat up quietly, whoever's after you will think you just suffered through peeing in a stank bathroom. Don't be surprised if you get treated like the hero that you are.

2. Be A Boy Scout

Boy Scouts are always prepared, and you can be too, if you make sure to always have a battery-powered fan, extra batteries and some cologne (or travel-size air freshener) in your bag. Oh, and always have a bag, and never take it off so it doesn't look weird when you go to the bathroom still wearing it.

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