You might feel awkward when the doctor squeezes your nuts during annual physicals, but he's doing it for a reason: You have a 1-in-250 chance of developing testicular cancer, usually between the ages of 20 and 40. You don't wanna think about losing your sack, but you also wanna keep your life, so it's important to check yourself regularly.
However, guys are lazy and easily distracted. We begin to feel for lumps, then jack off and take a nap instead. We need someone--or something--to remind us about our health-related duty. And that someone/something is Mr. Balls, a giant, grinning scrotum that debuted (descended?) at a recent Brazilian cancer awareness festival, delighting everybody in attendance, except for those who need PTSD counseling now.
He's got eyes! He's got a couple teeth! He's got pubes...lots and lots of pubes. And he's got a message: RUN, RUN AWAY AS FAST AS YOU CAN...to the nearest bathroom and perform a self-exam. More photos at Gawker and in your nightmares.
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Text: Sean Green (@seantgreen) is a standup comedian and podcast host living in LA
Design: Jim Tews (@jimtews) is a comedian and former quarterback for the Philadelphia Phillies.
"Dude, I love that movie!" Ehh, are you sure about that? Because the last time you saw it, you were 11 years old. You might want to give it a good re-watch and see how your grown-up brain feels. It's a sad phenomenon, but sometimes our favorite childhood movies turn out to be way worse than we remember. Below are just a few examples of movies we grew up with that turned out to be tragically unwatchable in our bearded years.
1. "Short Circuit"
Remember this one? "Johnny Five, is ALIVE!" Well, he'll be dead to you after watching it again. When you're a kid, this robot seems so cool and hilarious, because he says awesome stuff like, "We be jammin'!" But, in reality, Johnny Five is an unfunny, gear-grinding lemon that is undeserving of Steve Guttenberg's companionship.
Even worse, the wacky, stereotypical Indian scientist from the movie, Ben Jabituya, was actually played by Fisher Stevens--a white guy--making "Short Circuit" almost as racist as "Soul Man."
Credit: Mario Carlini/Iguana Press
Over the years, your brother or sister has been robbing your mother's love right from under your nose. Today, that ends. Today, you charge your way into Mom's heart and throw your siblings off the Mountain of Maternal Love so you can claim the crown. Follow these steps and guarantee you'll give a better a gift than your siblings next Sunday.
Step #1: Snoop the Competition
Credit: Getty Images
Light up a pipe and get Sherlock on your siblings. Bring up their web history, follow them to the mall, do whatever it takes to get a jump on what they'll be giving to Mom. The more information, the better. Get your brother's girlfriend drunk, sleep with your sister's friends or blackmail your dad. This is your chance to flex your James Bond style.
Credit: Joe Raedle/Getty Images
Chances are you're gonna put a lot of tequila in your body this weekend, never mind the horrific hangover (and police record?) that Cinco de Mayo brought you last year. The moment someone pulls out that bottle of magic, you've got a shot glass in hand and a stupid grin on your face that says, "I am horrible at learning lessons."
If you're determined to head down that path, try to learn some lessons about Cinco de Mayo itself. Here are strange-but-true facts that'll help you break the ice with señoritas at any bar or party.
1. Jose Cuervo was a real person
He was the first to commercialize and mass market tequila. (Also real: Jack Daniel, Jim Beam and Captain Morgan.)
2. Tequila was used as a flu remedy during Mexico's flu epidemic of 1918
NyQuil will also knock you out, but isn't nearly as much fun.
3. Scientists can turn tequila vapor into diamonds
Helpful since, after your girlfriend polishes off half a bottle of it, you'll probably have to pay for something.
How far would you go to impress your boss? If you work at Rapid Realty, a New York City real estate firm, you can earn a 15% raise...for getting a tattoo of the company logo.
Forty out of 750 employees have already gotten inked. The tattoos can be hidden--unlike a Mitt Romney logo face tat--but that doesn't make it any less permanent. If any of these workers jump ship and head to the competition, do they ask for laser tattoo removal in their benefits package? And how far away are we, really, from human billboards?
"My wife was a little concerned," a Rapid Realty staffer told the New York Daily News, "but I said, 'You know what? It was the best commitment I could think of.'"
We can't blame a guy for getting paid extra...but no matter what color your tattoo is, after kissing your boss's ass this hard, your nose is gonna be spattered with brown.
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Credit: William Thomas Cain/Getty Images
Mexico is our neighbor. And we love those guys. Without 'em, we wouldn't have a badass Spring Break destination...and a bunch of other stuff we're grateful for. With Cinco de Mayo right around the corner, we're saying "gracias, Mexico" for making our lives better with the following contributions.
Credit: Sean Gallup/Getty Images
Not since the Italians gave us pizza has something so frikkin' delicious taken over the U.S.A. Honestly, if we were forced to eat one thing for the rest of our glowing existence, we'd choose tacos. We don't know one person who doesn't like 'em...but if we met them, rest assured, we wouldn’t trust them any more than we'd trust Wiz Khalifa with our stash.
Taste is subjective, varying from person to person. Some of us prefer ketchup, some prefer mustard. Some of us prefer chocolate, some prefer vanilla. However, certain things--true things, like science, mathematics and Guy Code--are objective. And if you hate cilantro, you are objectively wrong.
Let's examine the facts. Most human beings love cilantro, as well they should. It's a staple of cuisines ranging from Asia to Africa to the Mediterranean to Europe to Latin America. So right off the bat, if you don't like cilantro, you're (statistically speaking) inhuman.
Have you ever eaten guacamole without cilantro? It's like having sex if you chopped your dick off. Celebrating Cinco de Mayo this weekend without cilantro would be like celebrating St. Paddy's in a Union Jack shirt: Ignorant at best, intolerant at worst. How did you get this way? No baby is born a bigot, whether against Irishmen or coriander.
Wait, you say, scientists believe cilantro aversion is genetic, so--due to a chemical reaction that makes cilantro taste like soap in my mouth--I was born hating it.
You were also born pissing and s***ting yourself, but that's not appropriate behavior over the age of three (and under the age of 80). Expand your palate! We thought beer tasted gross when we were 12, and now we put it on our Corn Flakes, along with cilantro.
How is it that moms can give birth to you, raise you and help you through any difficult situation...yet still have no idea how embarrassing they can be?
With Mother's Day coming up, we thought we'd check in with the mother of "Jersey Shore" star Vinny Guadagnino, to get some tips on dealing with cringe-worthy mom moments. Since his mom is also his costar in his new show "The Show With Vinny," premiering tonight at 10/9c on MTV, he's got plenty of experience with mom-based humiliation.
Read on for the tips and a few sneak peeks from Vinny's new series.
1. Showing Baby Pictures
This is the classic mom move. She just can't get enough of how adorable you were as a baby, so she offers a peek to anyone who walks through the front door. One or two pics are harmless, but try to stop her before she breaks out the potty training shots. No one needs to see that.
Credit: Kevork Djansezian/Getty Images
We can't wait for this weekend because Cinco de Mayo is one of our favorite holidays. In fact, we wish we could celebrate it several times per year...but of course it only falls on May 5, when--in 1862--the Mexican Army defeated the French at the Battle of Puebla.
Still, why not celebrate other cultures (and their alcohol) by commemorating their victories over France? We've gone through our old history textbooks to come up with new holidays.
1. 25 October
On October 25, 1415 (or "25 October, 1415" in the U.K.), the English Army won a huge victory over the French in the Hundred Years War at the Battle of Agincourt. Americans should use this day to get in touch with our county's British heritage. Let's wear those Buckingham Palace guard hats, say "brilliant" instead of "awesome," drink Beefeater Gin and eat...well, let's just skip their food.
2. Erste September
Usually you don't want to celebrate German military victories, but the Battle of Sedan was in the Franco-Prussian war, so it's probably fine. Since the battle happened on September 1, 1870, think of this holiday as a warmup to Oktoberfest. Any excuse to drink German beer (and see women in dirndls) sounds good to us.