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Everything was harder back in the day -- way back, before science -- and avoiding sex's unwanted consequences was no exception. Thankfully, technology has progressed to the point where contraception is effective and easily attainable. So instead of complaining about condoms, just be grateful that you don't have to carry weasel testicles in your wallet in case you get lucky.
1. Onion Juice
Ancient Egyptians' building techniques are impressive even by today's standards, but their contraceptive practices leave a lot to be desired. The men would soak their penises in onion juice to prevent pregnancy. Imagine how awkward it'd be to explain that you're not crying because you're sad; you're crying because of your onion-lubricated dick.
2. Goat Bladder
Condoms have been around long enough for actual Trojans to have worn Trojans, but -- since they didn't have latex -- ancient Romans would use condoms made from goats' bladders. We're guessing these did not come in "ultra-thin" or "ribbed for her pleasure" varieties.
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Get ready for another season of burning your feet on sand and thinking Hawaiian shirts are cool. It's summertime, and -- as surely as your back will sweat through T-shirts -- you'll make plenty of mistakes over the next few months. Accept your fate, because getting angry over committing these errors would be a GIANT mistake in this sort of heat. Without further ado, your list of summer mistakes...
1. You will neglect using sunblock and pay a terrible price.
2. You will get on a roller coaster AFTER eating, then puke your face off.
3. You will hook up with someone who hooks up with EVERYONE.
4. You will find a girl attractive simply because she is showing skin.
Credit: Kristian Sekulic
It's good to spend quality time with your woman; it's also good to spend quality time apart from her, because 24/7 togetherness isn't healthy for any relationship. Unless you're trapped in a bomb shelter for the apocalypse, you need some damn privacy.
Distance makes the heart grow fonder, and we're fond of enjoying these fantastic activities whenever our ladies travel for a parental visit, business trip, bachelorette party or...uh, why did she leave town again? We weren't really listening too closely when we reached for the moisturizer and Kleenex.
1. Leave The Toilet Seat Up
Remember those glorious pisses before cohabitation, back when you could spray all over the porcelain throne and then walk away, because urine dries eventually, so what's the big deal? With your girlfriend in a different timezone, don't worry about putting the lid down...except that, like a Pavlovian dog, you do it by instinct at this point, actually having to remember not to remember.
(Also: Don't worry about washing your hands afterward, because urine dries eventually, so what's the big deal?)
2. Drink O.J. From The Carton
This is kinda cliché, but "cliché" is just another word for "classic." It makes perfect sense to drink juice out of the container (same goes for milk and peanut butter), because that way you don't have to run the dishwasher. Speaking of which...
For those of you uninitiated with Ryan McKee: Animated Blogger, he's a cartoon character who has been kicking around MTV.com for the last two years. We can't seem to get rid of him, so we've put him to work -- answering some of the fan questions that pour in via Twitter and Facebook. Since the cast members are too busy to answer everything, we might as well have him do it. He doesn't have much else going on anyway.
Watch the video below to learn about meeting guys at the gym, how to impress a girl without spending money, how to get on MTV and more.
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A lot of things suck about roller coasters: The pricey theme park admission, the long waits and the picture they take near the end that makes you look like you're pooping. But we'll endure those downsides for a sick ride, like Six Flags Magic Mountain's Full Throttle above. Here are some other trading cards for the best new coasters to hit this summer...
With Memorial Day behind us and the sun continuing to be a bigger and bigger sonofabitch, summer is definitely here. While rich folks are vacationing in the Bahamas, you're stuck at home without a job. How are you, the average slacker too lazy to finally get that lawn-mowing business off the ground, going to spend your time?
Here are cheap (or free!) ways to kill it this summer. Just be sure to spend some of your limited cash supply on sunscreen.
Invite Yourself To BBQs
You might be broke, but you've still got friends, right? Chances are one of them has a kick-ass backyard and a grill to match. Throw on your best pairs of cargo shorts and flip-flops, and head on over. It's the perfect outing even if you're low on funds, because every barbecue needs somebody to bring buns, which are only a couple bucks. And instead of buying an expensive case of beer, just offer to pitch in on the grill.
Hit The Beach
You know what's free? Going to the beach. You know what's even more free? Staring at chicks at the beach! Get out in the water, suck in your gut and come up with a good lie to tell ladies about yourself. Think investment banker; it sounds impressive but nobody really knows what it means, so you can just make stuff up.
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Fashion and hip-hop are linked together like the Fourth of July and hot dog-eating contests. And while some legendary rappers put their stamp on timeless trends (for example, Run-DMC with Adidas), others have not fared as well. Here, we look at some items more likely to end up in a Salvation Army dumpster than on the backs of today's dopest MC's.
1. Cross Colours
One of the first designer brands of hip-hop clothing, Cross Colours were hugely influential, but would fade away due to a surge of competing brands and, probably, the fact that kids no longer wanted to look like a flag at the Olympics.
Photo via weknowmemes
Here's your other commencement speech, recent college graduate. It's going to be hard out there in the real world. Not "The Real World," but the rest of your loan-vexed, non-academic life, where the stakes are higher and your diploma really doesn't matter much anymore.
Two to three months after you strut across the stage in your graduation regalia, you'll get a letter from your college or university. In it, you will find a request for money. Not for more tuition -- for a donation, anywhere from $10 to $1,000. Does that sound like something you might be interested in?
Aaaaand it won't be long after graduation that you'll receive your first student loan bill. Remember those thousands of dollars you borrowed for tuition, books, housing, booze? Paying it all back is going to feel something like this:
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Credit: Comedy Central
Microbiologist Norman R. Pace recently ventured into the bowels of the New York City subway system to analyze the air taken in by millions of people who swipe and ride every day. His findings included one quote that caught our eye: "Every time you step down, you pressurize the air that's in your shoe. You stomp down, you squirt out a little warm air, carrying foot microbiology." That's a foot fart! The air in the New York City subway is full of toxic farts emanating from our feet! Fascinating stuff.
In light of this revelation, we now present six more examples of fascinating fart-based research. And please don't laugh. This is about science.
1. Women's farts smell worse than men's
Anecdotal evidence be damned, Danish and British gastroenterologists earlier this year found that a woman's fart is more likely to peel the paint off a wall than a man's. Ladies, this is one thing on which we'll gladly cede superiority.
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We look forward to summer all year long, but then -- once it arrives -- we remember the dreaded reality: It's wedding season. Even if you're still a young guy, you'll soon find yourself at scads of ceremonies, squeezed into a Men's Wearhouse tux, wishing you were anywhere else. But you can survive these tragic events if you follow a few basic rules...
1. Take a fun date
There's a reason why "plus ones" are so coveted on wedding invites: Without one, you'll plus wonder what the hell to do with yourself all night while seated next to complete strangers. Of course, bringing a date negates your chances at hooking up with any hot singles in attendance, and nothing makes single women hornier than weddings.
2. Dominate cocktail hour
The most fun 60 minutes of any wedding is that glorious interlude between ceremony and reception: Cocktail hour. No rules, no formalities, no boring speeches from the maid of honor. Just a lot of eating, drinking and schmoozing. During this time, you'll want to identify A) the hot single girls, and B) from which kitchen exit the best finger food is coming.
Oh yeah, and enjoy the open bar. You've already spent a ton of money on travel, a hotel room, dress clothes and even a stupid gift of salad forks, so now is the time to cash in your chips and earn a little of that money back.