Funny - Part 4

5 Things No Guy Should Ever Admit To His Mom

Posted 5/10/13 3:00 pm EST by Michael Pomranz in Funny

yelling mom
Credit: Juanmonino

Mother's Day is hard for guys. It's one of the two days a year where you have to remember to call your mom. (May God's light shine upon you if Mother's Day happens to fall on your mom's birthday!)

When you talk to her, keep it quick and to the point. Don't make this completely unnecessary holiday any harder than it has to be by slipping into taboo mother/son topics. Trust us, when it comes to this relationship, some things are best left unsaid. Frighteningly, it's like your relationship with your girlfriend that way. Here are five confessions to avoid with Mom...and maybe your girlfriend too.

1) That You Hate Her Cooking

Growing up, I hated my mom's cooking. (My name's not going on this thing, right?) The meatloaf she used to make back in the '80s tasted exactly like...well, meatloaf. Terrible.

But know who else hates your mom's cooking? Your mom. She wishes she could serve a gourmet meal on a silver platter every night, but that's just not gonna happen. Also, you were a worthless, picky kid who needed to eat, so she cooked calorie-packed garbage for you so you'd survive. And survive you did, so don't you ever complain.

2) All the Drugs You've Done

Back in high school, at this raging weekend BBQ, some guy was on the phone screaming, "Mom, I'm on mushrooms! It's awesome!" At the time I remember thinking, "Whoa, it's amazing how close of a relationship that guy has with his mother. That's really cool!" What I now realize in retrospect is that guy was tripping f***ing face and his mom wanted nothing to do with the call.

Look, your mom already knows. She constantly smelled the stench of marijuana on your clothes back when you were naive enough to think she didn't know what marijuana smells like. The last thing Mom wants is to be an accomplice when the DEA takes you down, so leave her out of it.

Tags mom, mother, Mother's Day, Parents

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How To Not Freak Out At The Urologist's Office

Posted 5/10/13 1:00 pm EST by Jonathan Hollis in Funny

Urologist-e1367599516712
Credit: Jordan Hollender/Getty Images

Guys under 50 don't normally have to visit the urologist, a.k.a. the dick doctor, but it can happen for a variety of reasons...and not just because you haven't been BRINGING THE RICE in the bedroom. (Or 'cause you've been pee-spraying like your dong is an unsecured fire hose.)

For instance, I recently went to the urologist after I sustained a mysterious groin injury while long-distance running. My primary doctor, just as a cautionary measure, wanted to make sure all of my equipment was in good standing. (And it was!) But whatever your medical case may be, a visit to the urologist's office is an awful and terrifying experience, especially for a healthy young buck.

Why? Because the waiting room is full of creaky old men devoid of all liveliness--some even sporting drainage bags--and the walls are plastered with nightmarish posters about how to tackle erectile dysfunction. In short, it's like a super depressing retirement home for penises. However, there's a way to get through these miserable, frightening appointments without suffering too much damage to your self-esteem or image.

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Why We Should Care About Battle Of The Nations [VIDEOS]

Posted 5/10/13 12:00 pm EST by Charlie Kasov in Funny, Sports, Video

battle of the nations
Credit: battleofthenations.ua

A thousand years ago, if men wanted to settle a dispute, they put on suits of armor, grabbed their swords and fought to the death. (If one man looked at another man's horse the wrong way, they also fought to the death.) Those were nasty, violent times, and now we're more civilized.

However, the manly art of sword-fighting has been revived--safely--with Battle of the Nations, a medieval-themed competition between groups of the bravest guys from 22 different countries. Each dude wears a full suit of armor and carries a blunted sword to inflict pain without cutting his opponent. A competitor is considered "dead" when three body parts touch the ground simultaneously.

This might be the greatest idea for a tournament ever, and it's happening again this weekend. The U.S. joined last year and came in fourth, but maybe this year we'll unseat reigning champion Russia. Whichever team you root for, here are some videos that show why you need to get into this sport.

1 vs. 1

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15 Dumb Lies About Mother's Day We Made Up

Posted 5/9/13 3:00 pm EST by RG Daniels in Funny

Mother's Day
Credit: Hulton Archive

The Guy Code on Mother's Day is simple: Treat ya mama right! As you make her day special, you might wonder about the origins of this holiday. How did it start? Was it an invention of the greeting card companies? Am I a bad person if I get my mom something, but completely ignore my stepmom?

Look, we don't have all the answers. Quite frankly, we spend most of Mother's Day hungover since it always falls on a Sunday. Here, though, are some fun lies we completely made up about Mother's Day. Convince your gullible siblings they're all true! Bonus points if someone believes they're real enough to repeat at brunch.

1. Nate Robinson was born on Mother's Day and immediately made his first three.

2. Eight out of the past 10 seasons, the New York Jets have statistically eliminated themselves from the NFL playoffs on Mother's Day.

3. The official song for Mother's Day is Pharcyde's "Ya Mama."

4. They don't celebrate Mother's Day in Mexico 'cause they're still hungover from Cinco de Mayo.

5. Mother's Day is usually celebrated in Italy with a guilt trip about being a bad son, then a really big lasagna is served.

6. Quentin Tarantino began his career writing Mother's Day cards. He was fired after writing, "Happy Mother's Day, Mom…I wanna hug you so tight your eyes pop out of your head and explode in the air like water balloons filled with pus. XOXO"
Read More...

Tags Comedy, Funny, Lying, mom, Mother's Day

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5 Times When Using An iPad Looks Ridiculous

Posted 5/9/13 2:00 pm EST by Aaron Goldfarb in Funny, Gadgets

President Obama Speaks At The National Action Network Awards Gala
Credit: Spencer Platt/Getty Images

We obviously think iPads are awesome, but some people seem to think it's a replacement for all other devices. Yeah, an iPad is great for playing games, reading books and watching movies--but there are also times when using that giant, bulky tablet just looks completely ridiculous.

For example, Spike Lee, taking a photo above. There's no denying he's a great filmmaker, but just because your iPad has a camera doesn't mean you should actually use it. Instead of blocking the view of everyone behind you, how 'bout just using an actual camera? Or, better yet, simply enjoying that beautiful view with those two natural cameras on the front of your face?

Here are four other examples of when an iPad looks more stupid than stylish...

Making a phone call

mzl.ygstauoy.480x480-75 (1)
Credit: Phoney Phone

While you can't technically make phone calls on your iPad, you can (sort of) by using Google Voice, Skype or even Facetime. Don't. Instead, pull that teeny tiny iPad from your pocket--also known as your phone--and handle your voice communications that way.

Tags Cameras, idiots, iPad, phones, Running, Tablet, Technology

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7 Senior Pranks That Got Students Arrested

Posted 5/9/13 11:00 am EST by Neal Stastny in Funny

Colorado Experiments With Liberalization Of Marijuana Laws
Credit: Chris Hondros/Getty Images

Now that the school year is wrapping up, it's time for seniors everywhere to start planning their senior pranks. All seniors want theirs to be epic, but coming up with the perfect prank is incredibly difficult. If it's too lame, no one will care. If it's too extreme, you won't be allowed to graduate, you'll lose your college acceptance...and you might go to jail. Arguably, the latter scenario is worse, judging by these instances of pranks gone wrong.

1. Zip Ties And Soap

In 2010, students in Ohio were arrested for breaking into their school at night, zip-tying lockers shut and putting soapy water on the commons floor. Although the school was reluctant to enforce any penalties due to the lack of actual property damage, you've gotta know how to disable high-tech security systems if you don't want the cops involved.

2. The Wet Bandits

In 2011, three Missouri students broke into their school, filled up a pool in the commons area and covered the floor with soapy water. (Is this a cool trend?) The only problem: They left the water running, and the school flooded. One simple mistake and this prank went from no property damage to thousands of dollars in repairs and felony charges.

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The 10 Most Brilliantly Concealed Flasks

Posted 5/8/13 3:00 pm EST by Sean Green in Funny

Hidden Flask
Photo: flasktie.co

Company picnics, baseball games, quality time with your family...summer is the ultimate drinking season. But why look like a bum, sipping out of a brown paper bag, when there are plenty of innovative and hilarious hidden flask options available?

For example, you can look sharp and feel sharp with the Flask Tie (pictured above). Your boss might even compliment you on your snappy appearance. Here are some other ingeniously camouflaged scotch delivery systems...

The Beer Belly Flask

beer belly flask
Photo: stupid.com

Trying to sneak beer into a baseball game? Even a seasoned security guard won't be able to distinguish between an actual beer belly and the beer belly flask. At $12 per plastic cup, they made you do this!

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5 Cities That Should Quit At Sports

Posted 5/8/13 2:00 pm EST by Zachary Sims in Funny, Sports

Cleveland Browns v Pittsburgh Steelers
Credit: Joe Robbins/Getty Images

Being a sports fan is hard work. Unless you're in one of the five cities where all the champions come from (we're looking at you, coasts), you're stuck rooting for a lost cause just because that's where your parents decided to bone. Some cities are such sports failures, they should just quit and let their citizens become Yankees fans so they can be happy for once. Here are five cities that need to do everybody a favor and call it quits.

1. Cleveland

The last team in Cleveland to win a title was the Browns and there wasn't even a Super Bowl yet. (That was back when pregnant woman smoked cigarettes.) Their baseball team's mascot is pretty racist, their football team is so boring its logo is just a lame helmet, and the greatest basketball player of our generation wanted out of there so badly he didn't care if kids burned his jersey in the street.

On the bright side, "Major League" still totally holds up.

2. San Diego

Sure, the Chargers' powder blue uniforms are badass. That's about where it ends as far as cool things about San Diego sports. Total major professional teams in the city's history: Three. Total number of titles: Zero.

You've got the Pacific Ocean, bitchin' beaches, surfing and one of the best climates in the world. Just do everybody a favor and ship your teams to Iowa. They really need something to do out there.

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The 5 Jobs Guys (Wrongly) Assume Make Girls A Sure Thing

Posted 5/7/13 3:00 pm EST by Aaron Goldfarb in Funny, Ladies

165539497
Credit: Valentine/Getty Images

Guys too often seem to believe our lives are a perpetual porno, and that countless women want to have sex with us. A tramp stamp, a tight tank top or even a certain job, and men think a girl is a "slut" who'll quickly jump into bed with us courtesy of one witty line or one hefty tip. However, our thinking is often hilariously wrong--especially because ladies with the following "sure thing" careers aren't that at all.

1. Hair Stylist

You sit in a comfy chair like a king while she grooms you into peak attractiveness. Some snips there, some clips here, and--as she gazes intently at your handsome mug in the salon's giant mirror--you start thinking: This could work. When she uses her long nails to shampoo your scalp...oh! Is this foreplay, or does she treat all her customers so nicely?

The latter, actually. In fact, she probably thinks you're a douche for spending so much loot on a simple haircut. Save your money, go to an old man barber and extinguish your slutty haircutter fantasies.

2. Tattoo Artist

The ink on her torso, back and limbs makes you think she's an impulsive thrill-seeker, and perhaps--as soon as your own ink dries--she'll do some more "work" on your body. Doubtful. Her art might be as permanent as the commitment she wants from a guy.

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Evolution Of A Bald Spot: Manu Ginobili Through The Years

Posted 5/7/13 2:00 pm EST by Adam K. Raymond in Funny, Sports

manu-2013 Credit: Ronald Martinez/Getty Images

As he exhibited once again last night, Manu Ginobili is a stone cold, dead-eye assassin. His game-winning three pointer in double overtime against the Warriors came minutes after he bricked a horrible three off the front iron. But Manu doesn't think about the past. He's got, as the great Bill Raftery would say, ONIONS.

He's also got the best bald spot in the NBA. In the picture above, taken not long after he ruined Steph Curry's night, Manu shows off his glistening pate with no shame. It's as if he's saying, "Yes, I'm bald. But I'll still drain a three right over your hair-having head." As a tribute to Manu, we look back at his magic chrome dome through the years.

2012

A year and a half ago Manu's bald spot was about the same size as it is today but it hadn't yet given up the ghost. If you look closely you can see a thin dusting of wispy hair hanging on for dear life. Those lost of hair-hicans have since called it quits.

manu-2012 Credit: Steve Dykes/Getty Images

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