Welcome to GUY CODE, the official blog of MTV2's "Guy Code" series and your online destination for all things dude, including—but not limited to—irreverent commentary on sports, hip-hop and ladies. Stay awhile and flex your manhood.
Haircuts can be a tricky thing: The differences between a decent one and a terrible one are subtle, and even you, the owner of the head in question, may not know whether you've been victimized by the person wielding those clippers. But ladies can tell, so here are seven signs that your haircut is nothing to be thankful for this week.
1. You're loyal to your barber...because he is your mom.
2. Your girlfriend suddenly lifts her "no hats in nice restaurants" rule.
3. People ask if you just got a haircut, then nod sympathetically when you say "yes."
We're officially knee deep in the holiday season. Decorations are going up. Presents are being purchased. And whenever you're in a department store, restaurant or train station, you're likely to hear classic Christmas carols. Some of them are pleasant holiday standards. But others, when you really listen to them, are just straight-up creepy. Like, there are Marilyn Manson songs less disturbing. For example...
"Santa Claus Is Coming to Town"
He sees you when you're sleeping
He knows when you're awake
Oh, does he? This anthem is used year in, year out, as a way to introduce young children to the legend of Santa Claus. However, the notion behind this festive little jingle is a little too...hmm...what's the word I'm looking for? "Molesty"? Yep. Molesty.
The lyrics to this song conjure up images of an old bearded creep watching multiple young children sleep. He's making a list and checking it twice? Guess what, fat man? You watch my kids sleep and you'll wind up on a list yourself. My sh*t list.
Between Mom's homemade stuffing and the Steelers vs. Ravens game on a 75" flat screen, going home for Thanksgiving isn't half bad. We're expected to stuff our faces and watch insane amounts of football, which makes it the best day of the year in our book. Or at least, it makes having to kiss your bearded Aunt Sally on the cheek bearable. (Steer clear of the mole.)
You've got the girl of your dreams and everything is roses and cream. But what seems like true romance to you might be your friends' worst nightmare. You may be in love, but you also may be nauseating. Check out these red flags that your happiness is pissing off everybody you know.
1. Your gushy Facebook posts are so bad, even your parents unfriend you.
2. The only place you don't make out is at the dentist's office.
3. You stitch two sweaters together so you can stay warm forever.
4. You create a horrible hybrid nickname like "Jeremyiffer."
Video games have been addictive since "Duck Hunt," but as the graphics and stories keep improving, you're more likely to get hooked. You'll lose the job you stopped showing up for. You might even forget to eat. We're not talking about "GTA V," because that game's worth it, but here are five games that you really don't wanna get stuck on.
"League Of Legends"
Even though "League of Legends" involves some of the best fighting we've seen, just learning how to play will cost you a night or two of sleep. By the time you've gotten good at it, you could have beaten the other four games on this list. As a rule, never play a game that everyone in South Korea is better than you at.
Guys like to prank each other. Next to eating gross food, it's what we do best, but sometimes those jokes aren't jokes at all -- they're just you being a giant a-hole. Here are a few things avoid if you want to keep that friend to make fun of him again.
Thanksgiving is already a manly holiday: There's football, meat, booze...what more could the average guy want? But if you're not the average guy -- if you want to go that extra masculine mile -- there are certain ways to make Thanksgiving a true celebration of manhood. Who needs a grocery store when procuring your turkey can be a DIY project?
Tired of your parents always bugging you about getting a "job" and "clothes without food stains on them"? Then use these helpful tricks to convince them you're living the high life instead of just drinking it.
1. Explain to them, "Sallie Mae and Freddie Mac are just some old college friends trying to reconnect."
2. Have a friend call their house pretending to be the CEO of a big company. Use words like "handsome" and "totally employable" a lot.
3. Play an "Office Sound Effects" CD whenever they call. Just make sure it's not scratched, unless you want to explain why you work in a dubstep factory.
After each new episode of "Girl Code," we're breaking down the big takeaways for guys. Ignorance is bliss, but knowing ladies' secrets to up your game is even better.
The Right Way To Propose (If You Want To Break Up)
"Guy Code" already provided the male perspective on getting engaged. The ladies' perspective is a little different. As Jordan Carlos says, men think of it "as an indie movie," but women think of it "as a big Hollywood production." Like Tanisha Long, who "was thinking about being engaged when I was, like, three."
Unfortunately, some guys confuse big production with baseball stadium -- that's a great way to hear "no" in front of thousands of people, all of them laughing at you. "I don't want anything on a Jumbotron," Nicole Byer says on behalf of 99% of her gender.
Another fantastic way to ruin your proposal is buying a cheap-ass ring. This is an item she'll wear for the rest of her life, so don't settle for heavily discounted, damaged goods. "If you can't afford it, f*cking get a credit card," Nicole says.
Last night on "Guy Court," we learned it's OK to draw a cock on your friend's face if he'd passed out; Chris Distefano regularly breaks Guy Code by making Carly order him fruity cocktails; if your friend brings big girls to a party, it's cool because at least he brought girls; and dancing is somehow deemed appropriate testimony from a witness. There was definitely a lot to take in...and we're not even talking about Machine Gun Kelly's sex tapes. Look at poor innocent Melanie Iglesias above, her mind was blown multiple times.
We've collected the most GIFable moments from last night and also have two Cutting Room Floor videos with bonus footage from each episode.