Funny - Part 3

The 5 Little Lies You Should ALWAYS Tell Your Girlfriend

Posted 5/14/13 5:00 pm EST by Aaron Goldfarb in Funny, Relationships

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Credit: Jacquie Boyd

Successful relationships are built on a foundation of trust and honesty...and that foundation is spackled with little white lies. You should never deceive your girlfriend, of course--except when she asks you these questions. Then you should always lie.

1. "How do I look?"

Whether she's concerned about her weight or her outfit, the only acceptable response here is a positive one. Why is she asking you about her outfit anyway? You don't know anything about fashion--you're wearing a dirty t-shirt and sneakers with holes in them.

Even if you think her romper looks ridiculous and she could stand to lose a few pounds, there's no need to test out your Joan Rivers act on her. If you want to keep having sex, simply tell her she looks...sexy.

2. "Were you staring at her?"

There's an old adage in professional sports: "If you ain't cheating, then you ain't trying." Well, in the relationship game, if you're only staring, then you ain't cheating. How is it straying if you don't even touch?

But your girlfriend doesn't understand this. If she finds your eyeballs glued to a strange woman's ample chest, your only option is to admit the truth: "Yes, I was staring at her..." And then lie: "Because I was so disgusted that someone would go out in public like that. Has she no shame?!"

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5 Things Guys Do When Girls Friend Us On Facebook

Posted 5/14/13 2:55 pm EST by Aaron Goldfarb in Funny, Ladies

Photo: lolvirgin

It's always exciting to get a Facebook friend request, especially from a girl. She might be looking for friendship, but we've only got one thing on our minds. And we've also got a little routine--a checklist, really--whenever we click "Accept."

1. Check profile pic to see if she's hot

Maybe she's a friend-of-a-friend you've never met, or maybe you met her in a bar and can't trust your judgment at the time. So you investigate. Her cover photo is some stupid landscape and her profile pic is a selfie too small to really tell. You enlarge it--oh, yeah, she's cute. You accept!

2. Search through her photo albums for bikini shots

The TV shows she likes ("True Blood," obviously), the online games she's playing, the brunch spots she's checking into...who gives a f***?! We want to find some semi-scandalous bikini pics!

Even though she has several dozen albums and several thousand mobile uploads, we're going to find that one bikini photo in this haystack. To speed up this potentially arduous process, a good bet is to just open any albums labeled "Vacation," "Summer" or "Cancun!!!!" If only there were an app to do this dirty work for us...

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5 Types Of Friends With Benefits (Other Than Sex)

Posted 5/14/13 11:00 am EST by Neal Stastny in Funny

carrying couch
Credit: Yellow Dog Productions

We've all had "friends with benefits" relationships, and most of them end badly when one person becomes much more attached than the other. That partner wants to start actually dating, which is what you were trying to avoid to begin with. The only "benefit" in this friendship is sex--but there are other kinds of friends with benefits that rarely cause much trouble. They're not as exciting, but they'll probably be healthier in the long run.

1. Friends With Premium Cable

You want to watch the newest episode of "Game of Thrones" when it airs, so you won't accidentally read spoilers on Twitter. The only problem is that you're too broke to pay for HBO...which is why you need a buddy with disposable income. All he asks is that you bring over a six-pack, and you can watch whatever you want. He gets beer, you get TV. Everyone wins in this relationship!

2. Friends With A Bartending Job

When you get older and look back on your life, you might realize that the best friend you ever had was the one who poured your pints. A bartender buddy can save you a lot of money and help you meet a lot of girls. He gives you free drinks, and you give him a nice tip at the end of the night. That goes right in his pocket, and you go home with a few extra numbers in your phone.

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'Game Of Thrones' Recap With Jon Gabrus: The Bear Pit

Posted 5/13/13 4:30 pm EST by Ryan McKee in Funny, TV, Video

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"Game of Thrones" geeks like Jon Gabrus have been eagerly anticipating last night's episode. Brienne of Tarth has to battle a grizzly bear with a wooden sword while wearing clothing that's completely foreign to her, a pink dress. Truthfully, Gabrus wasn't as excited for the fight as much as he was for more Brienne. He just can't help but be attracted to that bear of a woman.

The photo above is a great hint towards this week's Most Guy Code Moment. No, Gabrus doesn't award the bear the honor. Watch the video below for the full explanation. Plus, Gabrus even gives us the bonus of naming the Least Guy Code Moment as well.

+ Follow Guy Code on Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr and Google+

Tags Game of Thrones, Jon Gabrus, Video

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'Dave' From The Illuminati Answers More Twitter Questions

Posted 5/13/13 3:00 pm EST by RG Daniels in Funny

Credit: Steven Puetzer/Getty Images

Last month we managed to track down "Dave," a member of the elusive Illuminati organization, who answered "Guy Code" fans' burning questions. After explaining how he orchestrated the Bulls' first round win and messing around with Beibs, "Dave" agreed to answer more Illuminati inquiries. Once again, through a series of complicated sources and connections, we've made this happen.

Whats the plan #askanilluminati

— Austin_Williams (@spinnerwilliams) May 6, 2013

We love when people ask this! The plan is very simple: First, we lead you to believe that you are your own person, a unique snowflake with a brain full of fluffy dreams, puppy dogs, rainbows and mint chocolate chip ice cream. Meanwhile, we kick back with drinks and "Fresh Prince" reruns after a long day of combining animal species and conversations with aliens from space.

@mtv2guycode #AskAnIlluminati if we ask about it will we die?

— SavageEdward (@EdwardHardy_3) May 6, 2013

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What To Do If You Forgot Mother's Day

Posted 5/13/13 11:00 am EST by Neal Stastny in Funny

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Credit: Marcus Mb Photography

How could you be so inconsiderate? This is the woman who gave birth to you, cared for you, and you couldn't even remember to make so much as a phone call on Mother's Day? Shame on you!

OK, enough guilt. Now it's time to figure out how you should handle this. Your options aren't as simple or easy as buying flowers, but you should've done that yesterday.

1. Blame It On Amazon

Sometimes to spare Mom's feelings (and to cover your own ass), you have to tell a little lie. Call her on Monday and ask how she likes her gift. When she says she didn't get it, act surprised and angry at those jerks at Amazon. Then tell her you love her, hang up, go online ASAP and pay extra for overnight delivery.

2. Pretend It Was A Prank

Spend serious cash on something really nice, something that looks like it required a lot of thought. Give it to Mom and say, "Surprise! I bet you thought I really forgot Mother's Day!" She will probably think this is a horrible idea, but she also probably thinks you're enough of a f***-up to actually do it.

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5 Guys Who Ruined Mother's Day By Getting Arrested

Posted 5/10/13 4:00 pm EST by Kara Klenk in Funny

police lineup Photo: Jason Verschoor

It's not difficult to make your mom happy on Sunday. All she wants is a card...and flowers...and maybe credit at the spa...and one too many mimosas at brunch. But really, she just wants to be proud of you, which is difficult if you get arrested right before Mother's Day. She doesn't want to spend her special day arguing with a bail bondsman or the county sheriff, sorting out your mess. Here are few dudes who definitely blew it for Mom this week.

1. The Guy Who Got Attacked By An Alligator While Running From Cops

Alligator
Photo: Pinellas County Sheriff’s Office

Fill this under "Only In Florida." Twenty-year-old Bryan Zuniga allegedly bailed from his car during a traffic stop, scaled a fence and evaded police...but just when he thought he'd ditched the fuzz, he came face-to-face with an alligator behind a water-treatment plant. He survived, but Mom has to spend Mother's Day putting ointment on his alligator bites. Read More...

Tags Dumb Criminals, idiot criminals, Moms, Mother's Day, WTF

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5 Things No Guy Should Ever Admit To His Mom

Posted 5/10/13 3:00 pm EST by Michael Pomranz in Funny

yelling mom
Credit: Juanmonino

Mother's Day is hard for guys. It's one of the two days a year where you have to remember to call your mom. (May God's light shine upon you if Mother's Day happens to fall on your mom's birthday!)

When you talk to her, keep it quick and to the point. Don't make this completely unnecessary holiday any harder than it has to be by slipping into taboo mother/son topics. Trust us, when it comes to this relationship, some things are best left unsaid. Frighteningly, it's like your relationship with your girlfriend that way. Here are five confessions to avoid with Mom...and maybe your girlfriend too.

1) That You Hate Her Cooking

Growing up, I hated my mom's cooking. (My name's not going on this thing, right?) The meatloaf she used to make back in the '80s tasted exactly like...well, meatloaf. Terrible.

But know who else hates your mom's cooking? Your mom. She wishes she could serve a gourmet meal on a silver platter every night, but that's just not gonna happen. Also, you were a worthless, picky kid who needed to eat, so she cooked calorie-packed garbage for you so you'd survive. And survive you did, so don't you ever complain.

2) All the Drugs You've Done

Back in high school, at this raging weekend BBQ, some guy was on the phone screaming, "Mom, I'm on mushrooms! It's awesome!" At the time I remember thinking, "Whoa, it's amazing how close of a relationship that guy has with his mother. That's really cool!" What I now realize in retrospect is that guy was tripping f***ing face and his mom wanted nothing to do with the call.

Look, your mom already knows. She constantly smelled the stench of marijuana on your clothes back when you were naive enough to think she didn't know what marijuana smells like. The last thing Mom wants is to be an accomplice when the DEA takes you down, so leave her out of it.

Tags mom, mother, Mother's Day, Parents

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How To Not Freak Out At The Urologist's Office

Posted 5/10/13 1:00 pm EST by Jonathan Hollis in Funny

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Credit: Jordan Hollender/Getty Images

Guys under 50 don't normally have to visit the urologist, a.k.a. the dick doctor, but it can happen for a variety of reasons...and not just because you haven't been BRINGING THE RICE in the bedroom. (Or 'cause you've been pee-spraying like your dong is an unsecured fire hose.)

For instance, I recently went to the urologist after I sustained a mysterious groin injury while long-distance running. My primary doctor, just as a cautionary measure, wanted to make sure all of my equipment was in good standing. (And it was!) But whatever your medical case may be, a visit to the urologist's office is an awful and terrifying experience, especially for a healthy young buck.

Why? Because the waiting room is full of creaky old men devoid of all liveliness--some even sporting drainage bags--and the walls are plastered with nightmarish posters about how to tackle erectile dysfunction. In short, it's like a super depressing retirement home for penises. However, there's a way to get through these miserable, frightening appointments without suffering too much damage to your self-esteem or image.

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Why We Should Care About Battle Of The Nations [VIDEOS]

Posted 5/10/13 12:00 pm EST by Charlie Kasov in Funny, Sports, Video

battle of the nations
Credit: battleofthenations.ua

A thousand years ago, if men wanted to settle a dispute, they put on suits of armor, grabbed their swords and fought to the death. (If one man looked at another man's horse the wrong way, they also fought to the death.) Those were nasty, violent times, and now we're more civilized.

However, the manly art of sword-fighting has been revived--safely--with Battle of the Nations, a medieval-themed competition between groups of the bravest guys from 22 different countries. Each dude wears a full suit of armor and carries a blunted sword to inflict pain without cutting his opponent. A competitor is considered "dead" when three body parts touch the ground simultaneously.

This might be the greatest idea for a tournament ever, and it's happening again this weekend. The U.S. joined last year and came in fourth, but maybe this year we'll unseat reigning champion Russia. Whichever team you root for, here are some videos that show why you need to get into this sport.

1 vs. 1

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