Welcome to GUY CODE, the official blog of MTV2's "Guy Code" series and your online destination for all things dude, including—but not limited to—irreverent commentary on sports, hip-hop and ladies. Stay awhile and flex your manhood.
There's a reason self-checkout machines now exist--so we don't have to deal with human-beings when we're making embarrassing purchases. Unfortunately, sometimes you can't avoid the judging eye of the hot register girl and will get caught buying something you'd rather not be seen with. From the obvious to the less so, these are the 10 items or less that will make you pray for self-checkout.
Jock itch cream
Of all the terrible ailments you could have--and have to publicly purchase medicine for--there's nothing worse than having to let the world know your groin is currently flaming like a campfire. Be thankful, at least you're not picking up some Valtrex. Read More...
As we learned last week, many of our favorite boyhood flicks are better left in the past. Fortunately, there are plenty of films from our youth that, aside from standing the test of time, were integral to our development into the strong, successful, unflappable supermen we are today. As we enjoy the gift of manhood, we should look back and give a nod to those special movies that laid down the law and taught us Guy Code.
This always happens in movies. Someone decides it's a good idea to split up, and then everyone gets systematically murdered. Don't do it. That's how Ricky died, and all he was doing was walking to the store for some milk and scratch tickets. Also, with all due respect to Ricky and his family, he was a fool for stopping to pee on that wall. (Mini-lesson: No public urination in the midst of a potential drive-by.) Read More...
Now that the weather is warming up and beach season is approaching, it's time for guys with chest hair to make some decisions. Do they shave completely, do some trimming or keep it natural? Perhaps the most frustrating aspect of making this decision is that there are only three options to choose from. When deciding what to do with facial hair, you can choose from several types of ridiculous mustaches alone. For those of you who with chest hair, we've found some options for designs you may want to use if you're feeling creative, bold and/or stupid. Read More...
Most dudes have been going to baseball games since they were in short pants. When you were a kid, you went with your family, and if you were lucky, you got to take some friends. When you turned 21, you learned the luxury of drinking an $8 warm Bud Light. And now that you're older with a job, you've learned what it's like to sit in the "not-cheap seats."
The problem is baseball hasn't upheld its title as "America's Game." It can be tough get your friends to go with you to the park. That's fine. It's OK to go by yourself. You can even have a dope time. Just follow these rules for going to the game alone.
Don't Eat For Three
When you go to a game with your boys, you can chug ballpark franks all you want. Hell, you can snort mustard if you want. Nobody cares. It's just dudes being dudes. If it's just you getting down on $40 worth of food, no one around you is going to be hungry. And as for beer, this should go without saying: never get tanked by yourself. Read More...
Usually when a guy gets married, it won't be long until the Mrs. throws away his comic books...or at least hides them in the basement, so she won't be embarrassed to throw dinner parties. Fortunately, one couple turned their nuptials into a Gotham City affair.
"I grew up obsessed with Batgirl," the bride explained. "Our relationship bonded over our superhero obsessions, so why not have a Batman wedding?"
Our boy Damien Lemon is starring in a new web series called "D.Lemon in the Morning." He plays a morning radio DJ, who coincidentally has the same name. His show is ranked fourth in the city and it could get to number one, but Lemon is going to have a tough time making that happen with two co-hosts who might land them all in jail and listeners who might also land his ass in jail. The first episode is funny as hell and we look forward to watching more.
When NYPD Officer Dane Natto woke up yesterday morning, he probably didn't think to himself, "Hey, I should become the laughing stock of all cops everywhere today." But just because dude didn't have that goal didn't mean he wouldn't achieve it. The cop and his partner responded to the ol' cat stuck in a tree call in Queens, and Natto tried to climb the tree to rescue the cat himself. The cat got scared and climbed higher.
Cut to 20 minutes later, and Natto's stuck in a tree while his partner's just finished laughing at him long enough to call the fire department. An elementary school's just let out and children are staring at him. The firemen show up and get a good laugh in before they rescue him.
That's right, firemen had to rescue a cop - not from a fire - but from a tree. You'll never hear about a fireman getting stuck in a tree because they're real men. And they're not morons. Being manly isn't about blind bravery, it's about being brave but smart so you can live to be brave another day. It's a myth that a fireman just runs into a burning building to save someone. They think about how to get the people out afterward.
Officer Natto ran up a tree with no idea how to get back down. So yes, he deserved to get laughed at by manlier men.
Successful relationships are built on a foundation of trust and honesty...and that foundation is spackled with little white lies. You should never deceive your girlfriend, of course--except when she asks you these questions. Then you should always lie.
1. "How do I look?"
Whether she's concerned about her weight or her outfit, the only acceptable response here is a positive one. Why is she asking you about her outfit anyway? You don't know anything about fashion--you're wearing a dirty t-shirt and sneakers with holes in them.
Even if you think her romper looks ridiculous and she could stand to lose a few pounds, there's no need to test out your Joan Rivers act on her. If you want to keep having sex, simply tell her she looks...sexy.
2. "Were you staring at her?"
There's an old adage in professional sports: "If you ain't cheating, then you ain't trying." Well, in the relationship game, if you're only staring, then you ain't cheating. How is it straying if you don't even touch?
But your girlfriend doesn't understand this. If she finds your eyeballs glued to a strange woman's ample chest, your only option is to admit the truth: "Yes, I was staring at her..." And then lie: "Because I was so disgusted that someone would go out in public like that. Has she no shame?!"
It's always exciting to get a Facebook friend request, especially from a girl. She might be looking for friendship, but we've only got one thing on our minds. And we've also got a little routine--a checklist, really--whenever we click "Accept."
1. Check profile pic to see if she's hot
Maybe she's a friend-of-a-friend you've never met, or maybe you met her in a bar and can't trust your judgment at the time. So you investigate. Her cover photo is some stupid landscape and her profile pic is a selfie too small to really tell. You enlarge it--oh, yeah, she's cute. You accept!
2. Search through her photo albums for bikini shots
The TV shows she likes ("True Blood," obviously), the online games she's playing, the brunch spots she's checking into...who gives a f***?! We want to find some semi-scandalous bikini pics!
Even though she has several dozen albums and several thousand mobile uploads, we're going to find that one bikini photo in this haystack. To speed up this potentially arduous process, a good bet is to just open any albums labeled "Vacation," "Summer" or "Cancun!!!!" If only there were an app to do this dirty work for us...
We've all had "friends with benefits" relationships, and most of them end badly when one person becomes much more attached than the other. That partner wants to start actually dating, which is what you were trying to avoid to begin with. The only "benefit" in this friendship is sex--but there are other kinds of friends with benefits that rarely cause much trouble. They're not as exciting, but they'll probably be healthier in the long run.
1. Friends With Premium Cable
You want to watch the newest episode of "Game of Thrones" when it airs, so you won't accidentally read spoilers on Twitter. The only problem is that you're too broke to pay for HBO...which is why you need a buddy with disposable income. All he asks is that you bring over a six-pack, and you can watch whatever you want. He gets beer, you get TV. Everyone wins in this relationship!
2. Friends With A Bartending Job
When you get older and look back on your life, you might realize that the best friend you ever had was the one who poured your pints. A bartender buddy can save you a lot of money and help you meet a lot of girls. He gives you free drinks, and you give him a nice tip at the end of the night. That goes right in his pocket, and you go home with a few extra numbers in your phone.