Welcome to GUY CODE, the official blog of MTV2's "Guy Code" series and your online destination for all things dude, including—but not limited to—irreverent commentary on sports, hip-hop and ladies. Stay awhile and flex your manhood.
Dads are awesome. They feed you, clothe you, teach you how to play catch and, if you're lucky, how to be a man. But they're definitely stronger in some departments than others. Here's some things they get wrong more often than not.
1. Cooking When Mom's Not Home
Most dads allow themselves to learn one kind of cooking: barbecue. So whenever your mom drove to Pittsburgh to visit her sister, you woke up every morning to the smell of burning charcoal. This was awesome for the first day, but after a week of hot dogs and corn on the cob for breakfast, you need some actual nutrition.
2. Intimidating Teachers
You deserved that C+ on the term paper you started the night before, and your dad deserved to watch a Robert De Niro movie marathon last week. Problem is, he hears about a teacher messing with his kin, and then feels like he needs to go "Goodfellas" on the faculty member.
But your dad's not actually tough, so he ends up talking a litte smack and chest bumping the teacher, which is more baseball manager than mafia wiseguy. No one's scared of a baseball manager, so that C+ becomes the best grade you get the rest of the year.
+ For more on dads, watch "Guy Code" tonight at 11/10c on MTV2
It's April Fools' Day, so we feel compelled to honor the Crown Prince of Pranks, Bill Murray. He's part actor, part comedian and part mythological creature who appears in the strangest places, doing the greatest things.
1. Bill Murray Rolls Up On The Club, RZA And GZA In Tow
He showed up at the Austin bar Shangri-La during the SXSW festival with a quarter of the Wu-Tang Clan. And then volunteered his bartender services, only serving shots of tequila, regardless of what anyone actually ordered. Let's be real though: If you're lucky enough to have Bill Murray pour you a drink, you just drink it and don't ask questions.
Does it count as "morning sex" when you do it right after an evening nap? Joe Budden says it does, which is great because who doesn't love morning sex? Now you can do it twice in day, as long as you take a nap. But guess what is even better than morning sex in the late afternoon? Morning sex in the late afternoon with twins!
Budden really knows how to start off a Good Ass Night and it only gets better from there. The Slaughterhouse member doesn't stop with only one set of twins and keeps the party going until it's time for even more morning sex, this time in a group.
+ Watch the season finale of "Guy Code" tomorrow at 11/10c on MTV2
If you're a world-famous celebrity, you can do whatever you want...except, apparently, bring a pet monkey to Germany. That's what Justin Bieber discovered last weekend when German customs officials confiscated his capuchin because he lacked the proper documentation.
We had no idea that Bieber kept a monkey as a pet, but we respect him for it. And this got us thinking: What would it be like? What are the benefits? What are the pitfalls? In short, what is the Guy Code for owning a monkey?
1. Use It To Pick Up Ladies
Walking a cute puppy in the park is a great way to meet girls, so just imagine how often you'd score with a cute monkey. If your unusual pet makes them nervous, just explain that it's the monkey from that episode of "Friends." (You can also play the hero and say you rescued it from a life of riding dogs at NFL halftime shows.)
2. Use It To Steal Stuff
Aladdin had a kleptomaniac monkey, and so can you. Train your monkey to play innocent, like it doesn't know what an iPhone is, and then pull this trick:
Today is April 1st, and if you're not pranking someone, you're dead inside. There's all kinds of ways to play a good prank. Psychological warfare's always fun--like convincing a loved one you're dying of some rare disease, or calling a buddy and pretending to be an IRS agent with some questions about his "suspicious" tax return--but we also love the pranks of yore. (Bonus: No one ever expects the classics.)
Here's how to do five old-school pranks, plus their unlikely origins.
1. Whoopee Cushion
This gassy bundle of joy has been used since the days of the Roman Empire…by Roman Emperors. The modern version appeared in the 1920s, but the inventor of the Joy Buzzer (more on that in a second) refused to manufacture these "vulgar" devices, which then made a fortune for the entrepreneur who did.
The most fun place to use a whoopee cushion is at a movie theater. Go see a romantic comedy on a Friday night and sit next to a couple engaged in PDA. When one of them heads to the food line or the bathroom, leave the cushion there and wait to ruin their date.
2. Joy Buzzer
Back in the 1920s, prank industrialist S.S. Adams decided to make handshakes super annoying. This one's always cooler on TV and in movies, like when the Joker from Tim Burton's "Batman" movie uses it to give actual electric shocks to his enemies. In reality, the joy buzzer is a weak little prank--it doesn't even have an electric current--that's only fun to use on homophobes and people with high blood pressure.
Between the pastel colors, bunnies, bonnets and baskets, Easter is not a holiday for men. Candy and ham aside, there's just no way for dudes to get excited about Easter--until now. We've put together the Ultimate Easter Basket For Guys, filled with treats to satisfy our manly tastes.
You think Halloween is the scariest holiday that revolves around candy? The Easter Bunny is more like the Easter Jackalope, 'cause egg hunts--seemingly harmless events--tend to get surprisingly aggro. Consider the existence of Easter Egg Hunt Insurance, which sounds crazy until you read up on this perilous spring tradition.
1. Stampeding Adults
Last year, Colorado Springs, Colorado canceled its annual egg hunt. Bad weather? Chickenpox outbreak? No, hundreds of "aggressive" parents leaped into fray to give their kids an unfair advantage, unleashing pandemonium. ("The good news is your Easter basket is filled with candy! The bad news is Mommy ripped out somebody's trachea.")
Planning an egg hunt in Arizona? Think again. Easter Sunday routinely causes a spike in rattlesnake bites, 'cause parents accidentally hide eggs in snake dens. To be fair, it's debatable whether rattlesnake venom is less healthy than the goop inside Cadbury Creme Eggs.
Aren't you tired of watching the same old, boring sports year after year? Aren't the Super Bowl and March Madness getting kinda dull? No? We don't think so either...but if mainstream athletics don't offer you enough action, there's plenty to be found elsewhere if you know where to look.
For example, betting your life savings on where a chicken will take a dump. You can't turn on ESPN and watch Skip Bayless and Steven A. Smith argue about these events, but maybe that's a good thing.
1. Angola Prison Rodeo
At the last prison rodeo in the U.S., spectators get to watch prisoners (who are not allowed to train or practice beforehand) ride bulls and rope broncos. There's even an event called convict poker where four prisoners play cards in the middle of the arena. The winner is the only guy that isn't kicked out of his chair by the bull. It's basically the closest thing we have to the Roman Coliseum.
2. Man Vs. Horse Marathon
This event in Wales tries to determine whether man or beast is supreme. Runners race against riders on horseback for 22 miles across various terrain. Although the event began in 1980, a human didn't win until 2004.
This Easter we're celebrating a bunny's ability to bring chocolate eggs around the world with these photos of children scared s***less of a furry animal. We have to cut the kids a little slack; some of these costumes even frightened us. It's like their parents want to shell out hundreds of dollars for therapy. See the rest of the pictures, from the Tumblr "Sketchy Bunnies," after the cut.
(We're not above laughing at someone else's expense, especially when they're scared to the point of tears. Sorry, kids.)