Welcome to GUY CODE, the official blog of MTV2's "Guy Code" series and your online destination for all things dude, including—but not limited to—irreverent commentary on sports, hip-hop and ladies. Stay awhile and flex your manhood.
With the Super Bowl long behind us and a new season still months away, these are truly the dog days for the NFL fan. Here's a look at some ways you can satiate your football needs without having to fill the void by doing stupid things like talking to your family.
1. Get Super Into Mock Drafts
Occupy your time with football's most pointless obsession. Become an expert on your future third-string long snapper. Do some research and find out who that middle linebacker from San Diego State is dating--should she affect whether or not you draft him? Also, try to determine, once and for all, which incredible hair product Mel Kiper is using.
2. Brainstorm Your Fantasy Football Name
In a mere five months you and your buds will be drinking beer, eating wings and pretending you aren't just playing the non-geek's version of "World of Warcraft." Make sure this year you aren't stuck with "Doug's Dynamos." Think inside jokes or pop culture references. Come up with a few backup options. You don't want to show up and be the fourth guy calling your team "Jon Hamm's Penis." Read More...
Gentlemen can agree to disagree on some aspects of Guy Code, but there's no debate over skinny jeans. While many fathers shrug at their teenage sons' unfortunate fashion choices--figuring they'll grow out of it eventually--we applaud the dad in the below video (which we discovered via Guyism) for taking a brave stand...and for dispensing tough love.
We all know it's important to do the right thing and wear protection, but that doesn't mean we're enthusiastic about it. Well, Bill Gates has heard our prayers and will give $100,000 to the scientist or engineer who designs a less cumbersome rubber that "significantly preserves or enhances pleasure." As long as we're rebooting the condom, here are some much-needed, high-tech upgrades. (And no, we DON'T mean bacon flavoring.)
1. Make Them Invisible
See those goofy colors in the photo above? No guy wants his raging boner to be Day-Glo. Yet, for some reason, condoms often look like birthday balloons. And even normal-colored ones are unsexy. If scientists can create a real-life "Harry Potter" invisibility cloak, they can make condoms vanish to the, uh, naked eye.
There's zero chance of public embarrassment by installing a pullup bar in your doorway, but it won't get you ripped all over (see photo above), so you need to hit the gym. Over at BroBible, comedian Jared Freid from MTV's "Failosophy" helps you minimize the shame by avoiding these mistakes:
If you need gloves, a weight belt, wrist wraps or any other device, then there is a part of your body that is not strong enough to lift that weight; hence, YOU are not strong enough to lift that weight.
Unless your shirt says "trainer" on it, don't talk to me. The Men's Health you read on a plane does not make you an expert. Please just stare and judge like a normal person.
Carry A Gallon Jug
How much water are you going to drink over the course of an hour? There must be a gallon jug workout that I didn't know about where you carry it around the perimeter of the gym while wearing a sleeveless shirt and shaking your head in agreement with some person you are never with.
Give Body Compliments
"Nice traps, man," "You're crushing those lats, dude," "The biceps are getting big, buddy," "You're getting lean, brosef," "Sweet penis!"
Home runs are cool, but the two most exciting things in baseball are the bench-clearing brawl and the manager meltdown. In a brawl, the best part is when the fat-ass manager gets involved. With baseball season starting, we have a long summer of getting to watch managers lose their s**t. To prep, here are some GIFS of our favorite meltdowns.
No one cares about the dinner pics you upload to Instagram. Bi-sected sandwiches, sad salads, lopsided cakes with illegible frosting, random bowls of muck...we're over it. Even five-star cuisine presented artfully on wide white plates suffers social media fatigue. We suspect many of you enjoy posting pictures of the meal more than the meal itself or the overall dining experience. Your food may be expensive or delicious but no matter the filter it usually looks like a pile of barf.
We are calling for a complete ban on food 'gramming. However, there are always exceptions to the rule. Here are five of the only instances in which it is still OK to share a photo of your meal.
1. If it's Nyotaimori (body sushi)
Guaranteed your followers won't be mad if you post a photo of your body sushi. Read More...
This season of "Guy Code" is over, but you can still improve your game with the help of MTV's "Girl Code," premiering on April 23 at 10:30/9:30c. See, if you can get inside women's heads, then you'll be unstoppable.
Speaking of heads, we've got an advance clip from the new series--featuring Melanie Iglesias and April Rose--that explains how ladies really feel about penises. (Also: Charlamagne Tha God declares that it's a "damn lie" when they claim size doesn't matter.) Even if our flesh torpedoes gross females out, they still love 'em anyway.
This season of "Guy Code" had too many classic moments to count, let alone whittle down to a handful of favorites. We asked the show's producers to try anyway...and they somehow got it down to, like, 45. After a long night spent debating the merits of each, we finally arrived at this list. Here are the Season Three lines that will live on in the history books...or, at least, on Twitter.
13. Jermaine Fowler On Getting Fat
"The only difference between fat black guys and fat white guys is that fat white dudes sing opera and fat black dudes sing R&B."
12. Kevin Barnett On Religion
"Change religions for a girl? That's crazy. Can you imagine what your boys would say? 'Kevin's so whipped, he's Jewish!'"
11. Chris Distefano On Being Stoned
"You can't tell me Plato and Socrates weren't stoned. They used to sit in a toga with their balls hanging out, claiming that they knew life's secrets. They were so stoned, it was unbelievable."
10. Jordan Carlos On Apologizing
"It takes only two words to apologize to a man and they're not, 'I'm sorry.' It's, 'We good?"
You think a girl rejecting you is embarrassing? PSSHT! When a kangaroo kicks your ass, THAT'S embarrassing. You're supposed to be part of the smartest species, so it's pretty shameful to get put in your place by such a cute rascal...even if it can land a left, thump you with its hind legs and (added bonus) has razor-sharp talons that cut through flesh like a machete through Texas brisket.
Here's five videos of kangaroos making humans look foolish, and advice for the victims on how to recover.
HOW TO GET OVER IT: The poor kid's parents should find a good shrink. He's bound to be traumatized. You might also wanna skip buying Dunk-a-Roos for his lunches.
+ For more on embarrassment, watch "Guy Code" tonight at 11/10c on MTV2
Love has inspired the most beautiful poetry and the most embarrassing text messages. It makes us feel and act so strangely, and we've got no idea why...'cause we're not scientists, who are just beginning to understand how love changes our brain chemistry.
So the next time you fall head over heels for a girl, just remember: You're actually falling hormones over neurotransmitters.
Sometimes referred to as the "love hormone" or "the cuddling chemical," oxytocin is released after orgasm to help form an emotional bond. Have you ever suddenly felt the desire to say "I love you" while cuddling after sex? That's because oxytocin has you just as whipped as your girlfriend does.
Likewise produced after sex and linked with pair bonding. A study of monogamous rodents found that decreasing vasopressin levels increased partners. So if you ever accidentally cheat, don't blame it on the vodka; blame it on the vasopressin.
+ For more on falling in love, watch "Guy Code" tonight at 11/10c on MTV2