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Welcome to GUY CODE, the official blog of MTV2's "Guy Code" series and your online destination for all things dude, including—but not limited to—irreverent commentary on sports, hip-hop and ladies. Stay awhile and flex your manhood.

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If your girlfriend likes sports, congratulations, you lucked out. Unfortunately, a lot of girls could care less about Duke vs. North Carolina or the Packers vs. the Bears. They just don't understand how storied rivalries make those games more important. So here are a few ways to break it down for her.

Kobe Bryant vs. LeBron James

Two of the best NBA players of all time. Everyone loves to argue which is better. Kobe has more championships under his belt, but LeBron's ever-improving skill set is unmatched.

How to explain it to her: It's like Meryl Streep and Anne Hathaway. Yes, Meryl has more Oscar noms and wins, but she's been at the game a lot longer, and some would say the competition in Anne's generation is much stiffer. Nevertheless, Anne is on her way to the same level of success, so it remains to be seen who'll end up on top...as long as Anne tones down her acceptance speech hyperventilation.

Peyton Manning vs. Tom Brady

These two have almost identical statistics, so it's hard to make an argument for either one's superiority. Brady has been to more Super Bowls and won more playoff games, but Manning's fans would point out that Brady had stronger teams built around him.

How to explain it to her: OK, remember in "Sister Act 2" when Whoopi Goldberg's choir has to perform in tattered overalls against all these polished teams in flashy costumes from churches with money? It's kinda like that, only both of these churches have TONS of money. One has a little more, though, and gets better-trained nuns and choir directors, so it's that much harder for Lauryn Hill & Co. to win the title. Yeah, Petyon Manning is Lauryn Hill in this analogy.

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Golden Popcorn Shower MTV
Credit: PictureGroup

It's a classic move for guys: You take an object, any object--a cucumber, a two-liter soda bottle, a misshapen gourd--and hold it to your crotch, as if to say, "Check it out, it's my dick," and your friends laugh, even though it's been done hundreds of times before.

It never gets old. Want proof? At last year's MTV Movie Awards, Joe Manganiello held the Golden Popcorn up to his package near a swooning Elizabeth Banks. It was a bold move, but well-received. Who will have the guts and charm to pull it off this year? Here are five trophy-humping hopefuls.

1. Ted

If you thought it was creepy watching Seth MacFarlane's Ted at the Oscars, you're totally unprepared to watch him act out the first Golden Popcorn golden shower. After the "dirty Fozzie," he's unstoppable.

2. Taylor Lautner

Nominated for Best Shirtless Performance, Lautner continues to be a "Twilight" sex symbol. But maybe he's ready to make the jump from teen heartthrob to Hollywood bad boy. What better way to do it than by wearing the award as a codpiece, skeeving out his entire teenage girl fan base who'll think he's "soooo immature"?

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Super Bowl XLVII - Baltimore Ravens v San Francisco 49ers
Credit: Christian Petersen/Getty Images

With the Super Bowl long behind us and a new season still months away, these are truly the dog days for the NFL fan. Here's a look at some ways you can satiate your football needs without having to fill the void by doing stupid things like talking to your family.

1. Get Super Into Mock Drafts

Occupy your time with football's most pointless obsession. Become an expert on your future third-string long snapper. Do some research and find out who that middle linebacker from San Diego State is dating--should she affect whether or not you draft him? Also, try to determine, once and for all, which incredible hair product Mel Kiper is using.

2. Brainstorm Your Fantasy Football Name

In a mere five months you and your buds will be drinking beer, eating wings and pretending you aren't just playing the non-geek's version of "World of Warcraft." Make sure this year you aren't stuck with "Doug's Dynamos." Think inside jokes or pop culture references. Come up with a few backup options. You don't want to show up and be the fourth guy calling your team "Jon Hamm's Penis."
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skinny jeans

Gentlemen can agree to disagree on some aspects of Guy Code, but there's no debate over skinny jeans. While many fathers shrug at their teenage sons' unfortunate fashion choices--figuring they'll grow out of it eventually--we applaud the dad in the below video (which we discovered via Guyism) for taking a brave stand...and for dispensing tough love.

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condoms
Credit: AFP/Getty Images

We all know it's important to do the right thing and wear protection, but that doesn't mean we're enthusiastic about it. Well, Bill Gates has heard our prayers and will give $100,000 to the scientist or engineer who designs a less cumbersome rubber that "significantly preserves or enhances pleasure." As long as we're rebooting the condom, here are some much-needed, high-tech upgrades. (And no, we DON'T mean bacon flavoring.)

1. Make Them Invisible

See those goofy colors in the photo above? No guy wants his raging boner to be Day-Glo. Yet, for some reason, condoms often look like birthday balloons. And even normal-colored ones are unsexy. If scientists can create a real-life "Harry Potter" invisibility cloak, they can make condoms vanish to the, uh, naked eye.

2. Automatic Sizing

Your penis might be an individual snowflake, but for the most part (if you don't wear Magnums) condoms are one-size-fits-all, and it's pretty embarrassing to have a little extra "room." In addition to hoverboards, "Back to the Future Part II" promised us jackets and shoes that re-size themselves, so why not prophylactics?

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gym
Credit: Miroslav Georgijevic

There's zero chance of public embarrassment by installing a pullup bar in your doorway, but it won't get you ripped all over (see photo above), so you need to hit the gym. Over at BroBible, comedian Jared Freid from MTV's "Failosophy" helps you minimize the shame by avoiding these mistakes:

Wear Gloves

If you need gloves, a weight belt, wrist wraps or any other device, then there is a part of your body that is not strong enough to lift that weight; hence, YOU are not strong enough to lift that weight.

Give Advice

Unless your shirt says "trainer" on it, don't talk to me. The Men's Health you read on a plane does not make you an expert. Please just stare and judge like a normal person.

Carry A Gallon Jug

How much water are you going to drink over the course of an hour? There must be a gallon jug workout that I didn't know about where you carry it around the perimeter of the gym while wearing a sleeveless shirt and shaking your head in agreement with some person you are never with.

Give Body Compliments

"Nice traps, man," "You're crushing those lats, dude," "The biceps are getting big, buddy," "You're getting lean, brosef," "Sweet penis!"

MORE: "9 Ways To Embarrass Yourself At The Gym"

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Wally Backman

Home runs are cool, but the two most exciting things in baseball are the bench-clearing brawl and the manager meltdown. In a brawl, the best part is when the fat-ass manager gets involved. With baseball season starting, we have a long summer of getting to watch managers lose their s**t. To prep, here are some GIFS of our favorite meltdowns.

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instagram-down-meme

No one cares about the dinner pics you upload to Instagram. Bi-sected sandwiches, sad salads, lopsided cakes with illegible frosting, random bowls of muck...we're over it. Even five-star cuisine presented artfully on wide white plates suffers social media fatigue. We suspect many of you enjoy posting pictures of the meal more than the meal itself or the overall dining experience. Your food may be expensive or delicious but no matter the filter it usually looks like a pile of barf.

We are calling for a complete ban on food 'gramming. However, there are always exceptions to the rule. Here are five of the only instances in which it is still OK to share a photo of your meal.

1. If it's Nyotaimori (body sushi)

Body Sushi
Credit: zestmixology.blogspot.com

Guaranteed your followers won't be mad if you post a photo of your body sushi.
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so disgusting

This season of "Guy Code" is over, but you can still improve your game with the help of MTV's "Girl Code," premiering on April 23 at 10:30/9:30c. See, if you can get inside women's heads, then you'll be unstoppable.

Speaking of heads, we've got an advance clip from the new series--featuring Melanie Iglesias and April Rose--that explains how ladies really feel about penises. (Also: Charlamagne Tha God declares that it's a "damn lie" when they claim size doesn't matter.) Even if our flesh torpedoes gross females out, they still love 'em anyway.

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Image Design Courtesy Of @TheseTwoChicks

This season of "Guy Code" had too many classic moments to count, let alone whittle down to a handful of favorites. We asked the show's producers to try anyway...and they somehow got it down to, like, 45. After a long night spent debating the merits of each, we finally arrived at this list. Here are the Season Three lines that will live on in the history books...or, at least, on Twitter.

13. Jermaine Fowler On Getting Fat

"The only difference between fat black guys and fat white guys is that fat white dudes sing opera and fat black dudes sing R&B."

12. Kevin Barnett On Religion

"Change religions for a girl? That's crazy. Can you imagine what your boys would say? 'Kevin's so whipped, he's Jewish!'"

11. Chris Distefano On Being Stoned

"You can't tell me Plato and Socrates weren't stoned. They used to sit in a toga with their balls hanging out, claiming that they knew life's secrets. They were so stoned, it was unbelievable."

10. Jordan Carlos On Apologizing

"It takes only two words to apologize to a man and they're not, 'I'm sorry.' It's, 'We good?"

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