Welcome to GUY CODE, the official blog of MTV2's "Guy Code" series and your online destination for all things dude, including—but not limited to—irreverent commentary on sports, hip-hop and ladies. Stay awhile and flex your manhood.
Everyone is sick and tired of economic hard times, so it makes sense that we're collectively looking back to the 1990s, a decade when "Why Don't You Get A Job?" was a hit song instead of a question that millions of millennials asked into their mirrors.
The problem with nostalgia, however, is that you romanticize the positives while ignoring the negatives. That's the theme of my new book, "90s Island," about a Kickstarter-funded tropical commune to recreate the past. Back in reality, our good feelings for the '90s shouldn't compel us to wear this ridiculous crap again...even if it is Throwback Thursday.
1. Chain Wallets
Credit: UIG via Getty Images
A man protects his debit card with his fists, not a chain.
Breakups suck. Even though we tell ourselves that we don't need a girl, they look good, they smell good and they sometimes put up with hours of our video game playing. Unfortunately, loves are sometimes short-lived and a real keeper decides not to stick around. The pain can be downright cruel.
But you're not alone, no matter how lonely you feel, because we've compiled 25 GIFs that just got dumped. The way these ladies and gents handle their breakups just might make you feel better about your past, present or future situation.
If you were one of the millions of losers with a worthless Powerball ticket last weekend, count your blessings. From family betrayal to untimely death, these poor folks (well, rich folks) embody Biggie Smalls' lyric, "Mo Money Mo Problems."
1. Jeffrey Dampier
Dampier seemed to be doing the smart thing by using his $20 million payday to invest in a gourmet popcorn business. Unfortunately, an affair with his wife's sister went south and she killed him. Even if you can afford Armani suits, keeping it in your pants is the best way to avoid getting screwed.
2. Willie Hurt
Willie thought he'd never "hurt" again after winning $3.1 million in 1989, but he quickly lost it all to a cocaine addiction, a divorce and an attempted murder trial.
Pick-up lines are well-documented as having terrible success rates, yet heads still use them...probably because rappers make 'em sound cool. But when you lay down these lyrical witticisms, they just don't carry the same weight. Instead of millions from platinum records, you'll merely earn awkward, disgusted glares from ladies.
1. "You don't know how you look to me/But if love was a crime you be a crook to me"
If you quote these smooth bars from Diddy's "I Need A Girl (Part Two)" to an actual girl, it'll sound cheesier than, "Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven?"
2. "I wonder...how would it feel, to sleep with a woman like you?/To fade that monkey 'til it's funky"
Honest questions deserve honest answers. But this question from DJ Quik's "Mo P****" will get you an answer in the form of a fist to your face.
3. "Girl I got that dope d***, now come here let me dope you/You gon' be a dope fiend, your friends should call you Dopey"
Lil Wayne can get away with this boast from "Every Girl," because he's Lil Wayne. But you can't, because you're you.
Sometimes your girlfriend has plans and you don't. (Let's be honest, "sometimes" is "most of the time.") She's out having fun with her gal pals, and you're stuck at home, feeling lonely and depressed. Snap out of it! There's a lot of stuff you can be doing while your apartment is girlfriend-free.
Besides that. These ideas don't require clearing you browser history...
1. Clean Some S*** To Make Her Look Lazy
Being in a relationship is a constant battle for moral supremacy. While your significant other is out partying, it's your time to strike. Take care of things around the house: Repair the sink, do a little cleaning, hang a painting.
When she comes home a blacked-out, pizza-by-the-slice-breathed mess and sees how your night has actually been productive (well, she might not notice until the morning), you'll send the love of your life into a shame spiral...and she'll try to make it up to you for days.
You've seen 'em around: Pinkberry, Peachwave, Orangeleaf, Onionring...they're popping up everywhere, slinging that sweet frozen yogurt. Many women love it, so a fro-yo parlor is a great first date spot or after-dinner destination.
But you might find them intimidating. After all, these aren't exactly biker bars. With that in mind, here's how to eat frozen yogurt like a man.
1. Abuse The Samples
These can be your appetizer or the entire meal, depending on your budget and the establishment. Some dispensaries offer a self-serve stack of paper cups, and you're free to go to town on your own. Run the gamut, pile it high, let that coiled tower lean for a moment and then pop it like a Jell-O shot!
Other places have stricter regulations, requiring staff to dole out the samples like nuthouse nurses making sure you've swallowed your pills. You can occasionally sulk or charm your way into getting these rules relaxed. Fro-yo employees are usually busy, overworked or just don't care -- because they probably have a Bachelor's degree, and this is their life -- so even slight resistance to the rules may result in a quiet, "Whatever."
It's often said that guys are visually stimulated while ladies are turned on by emotional connection, but that's not necessarily true...and it doesn't stop us from sending dirty phone messages anyway.
We're hardly experts on this art form like Richard Johnson, Penis Photographer, but we know that most sexts -- like most artistic endeavors -- are terrible and embarrassing. Here are ways you can screw the sext pooch before even pressing "send."
1. Opening With Your Penis
Don't start with the main event -- you have to build up to it with a little flirting, maybe an explicit text message, to make sure the mood is set before bombarding her with a picture of your holiest of holies. If she's not open to this kind of exchange, she'll gasp in a bad way when her phone flashes a glowing picture of your meat and potatoes.
2. Sending It Before Lunchtime
If she just got to the office, then send her roses -- that's spontaneous and romantic. Sending a text about how you wanna get in dem guts before she's had a chance to finish her morning coffee? Not so much. This is a nighttime game.
How far would you go for a chance to sleep with Daenerys Targaryen? Would you walk across a desert? How about fight in a battle? Would you double-cross your allies, cut off their heads and bring them to her in a burlap sack as she soaks in a bath?
That's what Daario Naharis did for her in last night's "Game of Thrones" and Jon Gabrus thinks that's a pretty baller move. You could argue that's a clear violation of Bros Before Hoes. Yet, as we learned from Charlamagne last season, that's an antiquated code. There is more to consider than just the fact they're your bros. For example, do they want to kill your lady crush? Well, then you might have to behead them. Metaphorically.
Watch and learn as Gabrus (now with a stately summer mustache) breaks down this week's Most Guy Code Moment.
Here's a good rule to live your life by: Never mouth off to a former boxing world champion unless you are also a former boxing world champion.
It's been a while since Rocky Lockridge earned the WBA super featherweight championship by knocking out Roger Mayweather in the first round, but it looks like he hasn't lost his punch. It's hard to hear what's being said in the video; but judging by the unknown man's body language, he decided it was a good idea to insult Lockridge to his face. A decision the dumbass has to regret making.
We don't know why the man started to launch verbal abuse at Lockridge. Maybe he drank too much of whatever was in that 16oz can he was carrying? Whatever the reason, don't pick a fight with a former world champion. Even if he hasn't fought professionally in several years, even if he's been struggling with health problems, you just shouldn't do it.
Unless, of course, you want to get knocked out in about .2 seconds.
Graduation ceremonies are painfully boring. Remember what it was like, as a kid, to be trapped in front of a TV playing the news? A graduation is like that, but with ill-fitting robes.
That butt-numbing boredom inevitably inspires people to try spicing up the affair. Often, they'll make bad inside jokes that only half the crowd gets...while friends and family wish for an even bigger asteroid to strike the stage. But even inside (more like insipid) jokes aren't as bad as the worst thing that can befall a graduation ceremony: Someone pretending to trip as he accepts his diploma.