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11 Awesome Summer Beers For Memorial Day Weekend

Posted 5/23/13 1:00 pm EST by in Food

outdoor-drinking
Credit: Ezra Shaw/Getty Images

This weekend is the official start of summer fun. A beer is definitely in order...but make sure you kick off your summer right -- with good warm-weather beer. Spending Memorial Day with a six-pack of Guinness would be like pairing a fine cut of beef with a wineglass full of cat piss.

You want something light, refreshing and drinkable, that can go with grilling burgers and throwing horseshoes. Canned beers are great if you're going to the beach or pool. And we're talking three days of drinking here, so aim for something with low enough alcohol that you'll actually remember how much you enjoyed your holiday weekend.

With those criteria in mind, here are our 11 best bets for kicking off summer 2013...and backup brews, just in case you can't find the main picks.

1. Bell's Oberon

Larry Bell has been brewing Oberon for nearly three decades, yet demand for this easy-drinking summer wheat from Michigan is as strong as ever. Maybe because it's only available six months out of the year and in just 18 states. Bring a few to your Memorial Day barbecue and you're sure to be a hero -- more so the farther you are from Kalamazoo.

Backup Brew: Can't score Bell's? Swim across Lake Michigan and grab some cans of the less subtle, but equally quaffable Stevens Point Nude Beach Summer Wheat.

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Fro-Yo Code: The Guy's Guide To Frozen Yogurt

Posted 5/21/13 1:00 pm EST by in Food, Funny

OrangeLeaf
Credit: Michael McGrath

You've seen 'em around: Pinkberry, Peachwave, Orangeleaf, Onionring...they're popping up everywhere, slinging that sweet frozen yogurt. Many women love it, so a fro-yo parlor is a great first date spot or after-dinner destination.

But you might find them intimidating. After all, these aren't exactly biker bars. With that in mind, here's how to eat frozen yogurt like a man.

1. Abuse The Samples

These can be your appetizer or the entire meal, depending on your budget and the establishment. Some dispensaries offer a self-serve stack of paper cups, and you're free to go to town on your own. Run the gamut, pile it high, let that coiled tower lean for a moment and then pop it like a Jell-O shot!

Other places have stricter regulations, requiring staff to dole out the samples like nuthouse nurses making sure you've swallowed your pills. You can occasionally sulk or charm your way into getting these rules relaxed. Fro-yo employees are usually busy, overworked or just don't care -- because they probably have a Bachelor's degree, and this is their life -- so even slight resistance to the rules may result in a quiet, "Whatever."

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Today's Dumbass: Pizza Delivery Guy Sold Cocaine With Calzones

Posted 5/17/13 5:00 pm EST by in Food, Today's Dumbass

pizza drugs
Photo: Police Handout

Usually when a pizza place tries to up-sell you on some coke, it comes by the liter and not by the kilo. But the NYPD is accusing 45-year-old Papa John's driver Ramon Rodriguez of delivering drugs in addition to pies.

Allegedly, Rodriguez's run as the Scarface of Sicilian food came to an end when he sold undercover cops $27,500 worth of cocaine hidden inside a box of chicken poppers. According to police, Rodriguez made over 19 such deliveries in uniform, often voicing concern that his drug deals were distracting him from his pizza duties.

Coworkers regarded Rodriguez as a model employee and were shocked to hear the charges...especially that he had $4,500 in cash at home. "He used to hit us for money for food and gas--we were always giving him $20 to $30 at a time," his manager told the New York Daily News, nevertheless adding, "He was the best driver I got."

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Sean Green is a standup comedian and podcast host living in LA.

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10 Bloody Marys That Prove America's Superiority

Posted 5/16/13 3:00 pm EST by in Food, Funny

brewers bloodym
photo via Redditor buttermouth

Until last week, Fond du Lac, Wisconsin was a nothing town with a goofy French name that most men would have never cared to visit. And then it abruptly became a religious site worthy of a pilgrimage by land, air or sea. Why the switch? Because of the righteous Bloody Mary above served at O'Davey’s Pub. This behemoth comes standard with popcorn, bacon, sausage, a slider cut in half, pickles, olives, vegetables, peanuts, weird looking cheese curds, tortilla chips, a chunk of nacho cheese and, somehow, beans. And it only cost $5.

This marvel of alcoholic ingenuity inspired us to further explore over-the-top Bloody Marys. What we found was awe-inspiring. All across this great nation there are brilliant bartenders appealing to fat drunks with cocktails that are more accessorized than Kesha on a red carpet. Here are some of our favorites:
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Today's Dumbass: Guy Hides In Supermarket, Eats Himself Extra Stupid

Posted 5/15/13 12:30 pm EST by in Food, Today's Dumbass

trevor runyon
Bullitt County Detention Center

The problem with grocery stores, really, is that you can't eat and sleep and defecate on yourself in them. Why not make supermarkets more like nurseries?

Perhaps someday they will be, thanks to 30-year-old Sam Walton-esque visionary Trevor Runyon, whom police accuse of sneaking into a ValuMarket near Louisville, Kentucky around closing time...and then cooking a half-dozen steaks, in addition to devouring 57 cans of whipped cream, plus shrimp and birthday cake. And beer, obviously.

At some point, Runyon allegedly "went to bathroom on himself and got clothes to change into," and then "climbed into the rafters and went to sleep," according to a local NBC affiliate. Firefighters got him down from the ceiling, which must've been tough considering the approximately 5,000 pounds we're guessing he put on overnight.

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Marty Beckerman (@martybeckerman) is the Associate Editor of Guy Code Blog

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The Pros & Cons Of Dating A Vegetarian

Posted 5/13/13 1:00 pm EST by in Food, Ladies, Relationships

Topless Mermaid Protest In Manhattan
Credit: Matthew Peyton/Getty Images

Some men cringe at the word "vegetarian", but there are major rays of sunshine when dating one. Also, major pits of hell. We'd like to be really clear here: We're talking about dating a vegetarian. Not a vegan (we can't trust anyone who willingly turns down ice cream), not a "junk food vegetarian" (someone who substitutes meat for Doritos, Lucky Charms and Snickers) and not a "pescetarian" (someone who eats fish, but doesn't eat other meat or Joe Pesce). Here are the positives and negatives you have to balance...

PRO: Chances are, she's in great shape

Vegetarians are health-conscious gals who might just keep you in better shape, too. We're not doctors over here, but we believe a healthy body means a lot more fun behind closed doors, even if the door is a curtain of hippie beads she bought at Bonnaroo last year.

CON: Her farts stink

The thing about relationships is that it takes waaaaay longer for a girl to be comfortable with her rips than a dude. Doesn't mean she won't do it. Chicks fart. And believe us, after a sizzling broccoli stir-fry with tofu and onions, you don't wanna be within a two-mile radius of that gas.

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15 Amazing Tequila Facts To Use This Cinco De Mayo

Posted 5/3/13 4:00 pm EST by in Food, Funny

Mexico's Tequila Makers May Halt ProductionCredit: Joe Raedle/Getty Images

Chances are you're gonna put a lot of tequila in your body this weekend, never mind the horrific hangover (and police record?) that Cinco de Mayo brought you last year. The moment someone pulls out that bottle of magic, you've got a shot glass in hand and a stupid grin on your face that says, "I am horrible at learning lessons."

If you're determined to head down that path, try to learn some lessons about Cinco de Mayo itself. Here are strange-but-true facts that'll help you break the ice with señoritas at any bar or party.

1. Jose Cuervo was a real person

He was the first to commercialize and mass market tequila. (Also real: Jack Daniel, Jim Beam and Captain Morgan.)

2. Tequila was used as a flu remedy during Mexico's flu epidemic of 1918

NyQuil will also knock you out, but isn't nearly as much fun.

3. Scientists can turn tequila vapor into diamonds

Helpful since, after your girlfriend polishes off half a bottle of it, you'll probably have to pay for something.

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10 Things From Mexico We're Thankful For

Posted 5/3/13 2:00 pm EST by in Celebs, Food, Funny

Pennsylvania Town To Crack Down On Illegal Immigration
Credit: William Thomas Cain/Getty Images

Mexico is our neighbor. And we love those guys. Without 'em, we wouldn't have a badass Spring Break destination...and a bunch of other stuff we're grateful for. With Cinco de Mayo right around the corner, we're saying "gracias, Mexico" for making our lives better with the following contributions.

1. Tacos

Street Food Thursday Launches In Berlin
Credit: Sean Gallup/Getty Images

Not since the Italians gave us pizza has something so frikkin' delicious taken over the U.S.A. Honestly, if we were forced to eat one thing for the rest of our glowing existence, we'd choose tacos. We don't know one person who doesn't like 'em...but if we met them, rest assured, we wouldn’t trust them any more than we'd trust Wiz Khalifa with our stash.

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Happy Cinco De Mayo: If You Don't Like Cilantro, You're Wrong

Posted 5/3/13 1:00 pm EST by in Food, Funny

cilantro

Taste is subjective, varying from person to person. Some of us prefer ketchup, some prefer mustard. Some of us prefer chocolate, some prefer vanilla. However, certain things--true things, like science, mathematics and Guy Code--are objective. And if you hate cilantro, you are objectively wrong.

Let's examine the facts. Most human beings love cilantro, as well they should. It's a staple of cuisines ranging from Asia to Africa to the Mediterranean to Europe to Latin America. So right off the bat, if you don't like cilantro, you're (statistically speaking) inhuman.

Have you ever eaten guacamole without cilantro? It's like having sex if you chopped your dick off. Celebrating Cinco de Mayo this weekend without cilantro would be like celebrating St. Paddy's in a Union Jack shirt: Ignorant at best, intolerant at worst. How did you get this way? No baby is born a bigot, whether against Irishmen or coriander.

Wait, you say, scientists believe cilantro aversion is genetic, so--due to a chemical reaction that makes cilantro taste like soap in my mouth--I was born hating it.

You were also born pissing and s***ting yourself, but that's not appropriate behavior over the age of three (and under the age of 80). Expand your palate! We thought beer tasted gross when we were 12, and now we put it on our Corn Flakes, along with cilantro.

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Celebrating Dos De Mayo Instead Of Cinco De Mayo?

Posted 4/29/13 11:00 am EST by in Food

inline-2-Dos-de-Mayo-Most-Intersting-Man
Credit: Dos Equis

The problem with being a functional beer-oholic is that you still have to function. In college, you'll flunk out if you party every night. In the corporate world, you'll get fired if you show up hungover every morning.

Unfortunately, sometimes the great drinking holidays--St. Paddy's, Fourth of July, Halloween, Christmas, your birthday, Wednesday--fall in the middle of the week. That's the case this year with Cinco de Mayo. Even though Sunday is technically the weekend, you can't (well, shouldn't) be a nauseous, vomiting mess come Monday morning.

So Dos Equis, with a little help from The Most Interesting Man in the World, is proposing that we instead celebrate Dos de Mayo:

They've set up a whole site with party-hosting tips, fish taco recipes and playlists to "impress any kind of lady" (which might subsequently help you impress her, uh, fish taco).

Here's the thing, though: Dos de Mayo is on Thursday, so it won't save you from Friday's final exam or job performance review. Yeah, we get it, "Dos Equis," "Dos de Mayo"...but c'mon, guys, we've gotta keep up appearances.

Tres de Mayo, though? We're all in. Might even pregame with a Dos-arita...or dos of them, or tres of them, or...

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Marty Beckerman (@martybeckerman) is the Associate Editor of Guy Code Blog

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